Christmas is Near

I feel so horrible. Last night I had a fever and a sore throat. I woke up with no fever, but a raw throat and I'm so drained. I'm eating cough drops like candy today.

Christmas is less than a week away and I think I'm beginning to slack off a bit. I still have so much to wrap and I think I have one more thing to buy. I also need to get all the gifts sorted out that I've already wrapped that are going to other places. I was going to wrap last night, but with my raising fever, I just hopped in bed.

Zach's Christmas party at day care was yesterday. They didn't really do anything. A teacher made ornaments with the kids picture in it, the kids decorated them for about a minute and they ate cookies. I thought Santa was going to show, but he didn't. We should have done some kind of gift exchange or something. Oh, well.

Lilly's pajama day is today. She got to take her house slippers that are the Stompez where when you step down the ears pop up. They are drinking hot cocoa, watching Polar Express and eating ice cream.

My head feels like its swimming and I'm floating and I just wanna go home. I hate being sick at work. At least I'm not throwing up, I guess. (knock on wood) I only have 2 hours left of sick time to take and I'm afraid that I might need it the next 3 days I'm working this year. Its only 2 hours.

I'm off all next week, so don't expect an update unless I decide to download the app on my phone and post pictures. I have some cute pictures that you've been missing out on. I need to get that done. I need to get some pictures off of my phone so I won't run out of memory right when I need it most, like last year.

The weather is warming up and I hate it. Its winter! Its almost Christmas! Where is the snow?? It snowed just last week and now we are going to hit temps in the 70's this weekend!! What is going on with the weather? Its crazy. This is why I'm sick. Mother Nature is so confused. Ok, I'm either going to take a nap here at my desk now or go out for an early lunch and find me some soup or something. If I don't post tomorrow, Merry Christmas!!!

Randomness

We are having a potluck lunch today and a gift exchange at work... so today is going to be pretty laid back. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and I felt sick too. I have a sore throat this morning, I hope its nothing. I ran out of medicine on Sunday and forgot to order it... so I went without last night. I feel ok today. One day without won't kill me or make me crazy, right? I just don't think I can get any more until Friday when I get paid. I don't know if I should go that long without it. Hopefully with it being Christmas time, my spirits will be up and I won't come crashing down.

Last night, as I lay there not sleeping, I kept thinking of all my favorite movies. I thought I'd share them on here since they seemed to be on my mind. Here they are in no particular order with the exception of Wizard of Oz, which of course if my all time #1

Wizard of Oz

Now and Then

Remember the Titans

Saving Private Ryan

Forrest Gump

Gone With the Wind

Shawshank Redemption

Schindler's List

Chicago

The Princess Bride

The Notebook

A League of Their Own

... and I think I'm about to add the Hunger Games movies in the mix too. I love the movies so far, and the books were great, but I'm not sure if they are quite worthy of being on my list just yet.

 

Today Lilly is having a Winter Wonderland workshop at school where the kids get to go and buy some stuff and it helps benefit the PTO. I gave her $6 and everything there is $2, so she'll get to buy for 3 people. Last year she gave me a little ceramic flamingo that hangs on the wall, Zach got a glass votive candle holder, hubby got a 3 piece glass bowl set with flowers on them, mother in law got a Santa mug and father in law got Santa kitchen towels. She was so excited about the gifts. This year she's only getting me, hubby and Zach something. I told her she didn't have to get me anything, but she is. I remember doing these things when I was little. Mom never gave me any money to buy anything. One year I stole 50 cents from her and ended up buying my step dad (at the time) a mini screwdriver. Kids really like doing this kind of thing. It makes them proud to be able to pick something out themselves.

Tomorrow, Lilly gets to wear her PJ's to school. They are going to watch the Polar Express and have hot cocoa. Zach is having his Christmas party tomorrow too. I'm leaving work early for that.

Yesterday I send my big boss an email asking for a promotion/raise. I'm nervous about his answer. I haven't heard back from him yet, but saw that he did forward my email... no idea to who, but he did. I guess that's a sign of progress. I'm in desperate need of a raise. I'm so far in the hole, I've been having problems getting out. Hubby found out just how bad it is the other day and I got yelled at. I can't help it. Day care costs went up, my pay did not. The satellite bill went up, my pay did not. I'm trying. I really am. And with Christmas its just been even harder. Crossing my fingers for that raise!!

100 Thing You May Not Know About Me

2 posts in one day... I'm on a roll

1- I've never been to a beach
2- I'm afraid of deep water
3- I don't make friends ...easily. I tend to keep my distance from people
4- I love to cook but sometimes I'm really bad at it
5- I hate to clean. I do the bare minimum.
6- I cannot sleep with socks on
7- I've never been on an airplane
8- I've been in 2 bad car wrecks that have totaled my car. Both of them in a Ford
9- my favorite sounds are- newborn babies crying and locusts.
10- I quit eating fish when I was 12 up until just a couple months ago.
11- I can't wear high heels. My feet are too wide and just weren't meant to be in them
12- I absolutely love Christmas. I start planning and buying months before
13- I've moved about 20 times and have been in 5 different school districts
14- if I won the lottery, id probably end up giving most of it away
15- I haven't played the flute in nearly 15 years but believe I could still do it
16- I'm in denial about how old I really am
17- anytime I have extra money, I spend it on the kids even if they don't need anything
18- almost every night I have a very vivid, very terrifying, very memorable nightmare
19- one of my biggest fears is having a heart attack
20- I hate having my picture taken. It makes me really see just how much weight I've gained instead of imagining that I'm still the skinny girl I was in high school
21- I love to read but need to take a break between books unless it's a series
22- I love scary movies but find most of them to be corny
23- my dream is to run a marathon
24- I wish I saw my family more
25- I hate folding clothes
26- i still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up
27- I love the feeling of a baby sleeping on my chest.
28- I don't like to talk about just how much my kids have grown
29- I hate that I've lost touch with a lot of great people
30- i don't mind making a fool of myself, I don't easily get embarrassed
31- seeing a wiggly tooth makes me nauseous.
32- my favorite color is purple, but my favorite crayon is orange
33- I love rice!
34- I'm addicted to Chapstick
35- I've run 4 5k's so far
36- the first time I rode a roller coaster was on my honey moon
37- I like to hunt but haven't been in years
38- I cry very easily
39- I don't know how to drive a stick shift
40- I hate shopping for myself
41- I can fall asleep at any time of the day in just about any position.
42- I don't have to wear glasses anymore even though I've had them since I was 5
43- my first pet was a Beagle named Dan
44- I like to talk in a Brittish accent
45- I cannot keep a house plant alive
46-I love to watch game shows. Especially the old ones
47- I didn't go to my senior prom
48- I didn't get my drivers license until I was 18
49- I've had 5 different jobs
50- my first crush was on Mikey, the orange teenage mutant ninja turtle
51- my first car was a '91 gray Dodge Dynasty
52- When I was little I accidentally killed my pet duck by feeding it a crawdad with the pincers still on
53- a bat flew in my hair when I was 15 and riding my bike at night
54- favorite all time movie is Wizard of Oz
55- My favorite actresses are Jennifer Lawrence and Natalie Portman
56- favorite actor is Morgan Freeman
57- least favorite actor is Nicholas Cage
58- in high school I was into Egypt and mummies
59- I originally went to college to be a high school science teacher
60- I hate the taste of beer
61- I've been smoke free for almost 4 years
62- I've had the same hair style since I can remember
63- I've never broken a bone
64- I used to paint, write poetry and even started a book
65- I love taking pictures
66- my favorite toy when I was little was a stuffed orange cat that I named Orange
67- the carpet in my first bedroom was yellow
68- I've been to Canada once back in high school
69- I have no desire to go to Hawaii but would love to go to Alaska
70- I got my belly button pierced at 16 but had to take it out at 18 because my pregnant belly got way too big and it looked like the ring was going to pop out
71- I have one tattoo- a big blue Lily flower on my right ankle
72- I had a lisp up until the 2nd grade when I taught myself how to talk normal.
73- my favorite flowers are lilies
74- I lived with my grandparents during the first few months of my first pregnancy
75- I have 6 brothers with 2 of them being half brothers and one being a step brother
76- I took up running this year
77- i saved one of my younger brothers from drowning once when I was 10
78- I am fascinated by space and can spend forever just staring at the stars
79- swinging sometimes makes me nauseous
80- I have scar on my left knee from when one of my brothers threw a cat at me
81- my front left tooth is slightly chipped from when the same brother threw a metal pipe at me
82- I have scar on my left forearm from where my oldest brother burned me with a piece of wood that he just sawed in half
83- I've had 7 stitches in my head
84- I wore a heart monitor in high school for a while due to panic attacks
85- I have bunions on both feet and have since I can remember. Born with them?
86- anytime I smell veggie soup cooking, it reminds me of grandma Lesher's house
87- I have a psycho ex bf that I'm still scared to death that I'm going to see out in public and we broke up 10 years ago
88- I love driving when it's dark
89- I feel awkward in crowds but don't mind public speaking
90- I can't do small talk
91- one day I will go back to school for a college degree
92- I like to add hot sauce or ranch dressing in just about everything
93- there's not much food that I don't like
94- I have 2 kids but they aren't the first kids I've raised
95- my world revolves around my kids
96- I'd love to have a more meaningful job
97- i have a permanent callous on my right middle finger from where I used to write so much
98- growing up, I'd always pick a GI Joe to play with over a Barbie
99- I spent most of my high school years without running water
100- my lifetime goal is to see the 7 wonders of the world

Keeping Up Wtih it Now

Ok, I know its been forever, but I'm seriously going to try to keep this thing up to date now. Seriously. I mean it this time. Didn't I say that last time? Well... I really mean it. I hate that I haven't written in so long. So much stuff has happened. SO MUCH.

It seems that ever since I've been on this medication, I just can't seem to get my thoughts together enough to write on here. I'm going to try from now on. I have to learn to keep my head straight.

Weight loss is still at a stand still... well, actually, I've gained some weight back. I've gotten lazy. I vowed last night that I was going to start anew and make this happen. I have so much further to go and I'm not going to ruin how far I've come.

I don't really remember what all I have written about. I know its been a while, but I don't know how far I should go back.

My bff had her baby, beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair. She's about 2 1/2 months old now. I've actually been trying to hang out with CJ a lot more lately. I really need her in my life and I haven't realized it.

I ran the a zombie 5k back in October. It was lots of fun. Not my best time, but I had a blast.

My grandpa had surgery, but it all went fine. He is cancer free.

I came so close to kicking out hubby in October because he was so close to cheating on me. I told him this is his last chance and he will not get anymore. I'm too forgiving, I think.

The kids had fun trick-or-treating. Zach was Spongebob and Lilly was a Monster High doll. They got tons of candy.

I have a bit of my basement cleaned out now. I gave 2 car loads of stuff to one of my cousins. She was worried about providing Christmas for her 6 kids, so I gave her stuff. I'm also giving a lot more stuff away for Christmas. Saved me some money.

I didn't get to go Black Friday shopping this year because I had to work, but a lot of places started their sales Thursday evening, so I went out then. I got just about everything I wanted to get and got in bed around midnight. My brother Tony and his fiancé watched Zach for me and we spent the night there. Zach loves Tony, he calls him his Pony. So cute

Saturday was the fire fighter Christmas dinner. Zach was dressed all snazzy in a suit and was so excited to see Santa. Lilly didn't go this year. She kind of chose not to. I hope she's not starting to not believe.

I am done Christmas shopping and halfway done wrapping gifts. The kids aren't getting as much from me as they did last year, but I did overdo it last year. There was so many things that they didn't even bother with. Sometimes its hard for me to remember that they are getting other things from other people.

I get to spend Christmas with my mom's side of the family this year. I haven't done that in years. Hubby is working until that evening, so I'm going to see mom and family, then go to see dad and family then its off to the inlaws. We will be celebrating at my house the day after Christmas.

Lilly is getting just about everything on her list. Her big things were a cell phone and a trampoline. We got her a trampoline and she's getting a tablet. Zach won't understand the trampoline until its out of the box and set up... which isn't going to happen until the spring.

What else? I'm sure I'm missing plenty.

POST!!

I really like to type. Is that weird? I like the sound the keys make when I'm clicking away.

 

A lot has happened since I last posted that I don't even know where to start. I've been so busy lately that its hard for me to find time to post anymore. Work has picked up, Lilly's doing fall ball, hubby has a new job with a new schedule, I'm going walking on my lunch breaks at work and climbing the stairs in my spare time. Life and stuff, right?

Ball is going great. Lilly plays mostly first and third base and she's very happy about it. They've only lost 2 games so far.

Zach is Zach. Still running around like crazy.

Hubby's new job requires him to work shift work so there's some days that we don't even see him. He's been on night shift the past couple of days. Its ok. The only problem I really have is what I'm making for dinner since he's not home.

My second colorful 5k is coming up this Saturday and I haven't even talked about my last one. I think I'll do a comparison post on the 2 and post some pictures as well.

I'm going to seriously try to find time to keep this blog updated. Its a great way for me to collect my thoughts and have a place to go back and read what's been going on. My medication is helping still and I couldn't be happier.

My bff is due to have her baby girl tomorrow, but she's not showing any signs at all of labor, so she'll probably be induced on Monday.

My grandpa is in the hospital because he was passing blood and having chest pains. He passed blood for an entire week without even mentioning it to my grandma. I'm going to go visit whenever he's out of his colonoscopy.

Weight is at a stand still. I haven't been exercising like I should. At least I'm not gaining weight, right?

Ok...I'll keep trying to update this thing.

EDIT: I wrote this earlier today. I did go see my grandpa. They didn't do his colonoscopy today because the nurse didn't know to give him his meds to start it. It's going to happen tomorrow now. He's doing ok. In good spirits and making jokes. My grandma is a nervous wreck. Now this isn't the same grandpa that was in the hospital earlier this year. This is my other grandpa, my dads dad. 

Just me and Zach tonight. We chased each other through the house, had a tickle fight, cuddled, watched cartoons and I even ordered us pizza. He's finishing up now then it's off to bed. 

I forgot Lilly's lunch box in the fridge this morni g and felt so bad about it. School was having something I knew she wouldn't eat and I forgot. So on my way to daycare to get Zach, I stopped and picked Lilly up a little something to eat and have it to her. I hope it held her off until she got to her fathers house. 

This is hubby's last night shift of the week. He will be off the next couple of days and then back on day shift a couple of days. It's actually quite nice when he's working nights. It's quieter. The kids listen better. I get to watch what I want on tv. When Lilly has a game, there's no hassle to get there and we are on time. I know eventually I'll miss hubby being here at night, but for now I'm kinda enjoying it. 

I don't know why I keep forgetting about my blogs. I just haven't felt like doing much lately. I have lots of pics to post and a race to talk about. Hopefully I'll get to that soon. I just wanted to leave a short note here so everyone knows I haven't abandoned my blog, I just temporarily forgot about it. 

Look.. I'm stull Updating

Well... apparently the app on my phone messes up some of my pictures. There's one picture that's supposed to be me, Zach and Lilly, but Lilly is cut out of it. I've tried a few more times to get the whole picture to show, but I just can't. Its a really good picture too.

Lilly has ball practice today, so I'm leaving work early and then its a big rush to feed the kids and get Lilly's homework done. And I just really want a nap. That's all. Is that too much to ask? :-)

No, but seriously... I'm so tired. I could sleep all day. Bad thing is that I think my medicine is doing it to me. Fatigue is one of the side effects. I'm always tired, but not like this. I'm just always exhausted now and it seems like I don't ever get enough sleep. No amount of coffee helps either. I need a nap day. I think its about time I schedule me a nap day.

Did I mention that hubby got a new truck. Yep. Hasn't even started on his new job yet and he has a new truck. Oh, and if that thing isn't his baby, I don't know what is. Every little scratch upsets him. The kids had to wipe their shoes off after playing outside before they could get in. Absolutely no eating. He was a little hesitant to even let Zach have his sippy cup in the truck. I swear, boys and their toys. I hope I'm never this crazy about a car. My kids and their messy happiness is way more important to me than any car ever would be. My boss said that her husband is the exact same way. Is it a guy thing? I just don't understand. There's nothing in this world that I'm that crazy about except living, breathing human beings.

Well.. with hubby's new job, hopefully I can go back to school in a couple of years and I think I've decided I want to go back for social work. I love helping people, and what better way? I'd also love to minor in a foreign language. I'd prefer French since that's what I took in high school and I already know some, but I think Spanish would actually be a smarter thing to study since that seems to be the second language of America. I have plenty of time to think about that though.

My race is 3 days away. I'm going to try to get out to run tonight and tomorrow and take a break on Friday before I race on Saturday. I'm so excited and nervous. Past me would never imagine future me to run a race. I love surprising past me. I'm hoping to be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without slowing down, but me not training in the past 2 1/2 weeks will be a bit of a problem with that. I just wish hubby and the kids could come down and cheer me on, but hubby has to work so the kids are going to my in-laws for a bit. I think I'd be happy if I can run a 12 minute mile the entire time. Maybe I should change that to 12.3 minute mile. That extra 30 seconds doesn't seem like much, but it could mean the difference between my knee acting up or being ok. I've been having problems out of my right knee when I run and I ice it every time I'm done. I just don't know what else to do for it. I'll have to research a bit.

Lilly has been slacking off from school. She's forgetting to do homework, forgetting to bring it home, failing vocabulary tests.... I hope my talk with her last night helps.

Almost 11:00 now and I'm going to probably have my lunch here soon since I'm leaving early today. Still wish I could take a nap though.

More pics!!

Here's a split shot of Zach last year on the 4th of July and this year on the 4th

Zach and Oreo

Me and the kids

Lilly shooting her gun

Lilly on the first day of school. She would not let me get a good picture. 

Here's me and my journey with weight loss. The before pic is me in February and the after us me in July. Same shirt. Same pose. Same mirror. 20 pounds lighter. 

Our first picnic under our apple tree

Zachs in the pool 

Lilly's dunking her head. 

Lilly and her softball trophy for spring ball this year. 

The kids playing in water that's being sorted from a fire truck

Kids and Oreo

Brought Lilly to work with me and set her up a little desk to watch movies. 

Zachs washing my car. 

Lilly and her softball team in the Spring parade. 

Pics

Here's a few pics to start out with..

Here's Lilly accepting an award at school

Lilly got her face painted at the Y

Me and Zach during Mother's Day tea at the Y

Lilly running to home during a ball game

Lilly chilling during a game

Zach climbing a jungle gym before sissy's game

Zach hitting throwing ball and me not paying attention

Zach has a cold

New Post

I haven't written anything for a while... and honestly, I kinda forgot about my blog there for a bit. A lot has been going on and my head has been kinda scattered lately. I'm actually a little sick today, but had to come into work because the other person in my department is on vacation, so I might leave early. Yesterday was kind of a waste, I slept and puked and felt bad, but still played with Zach. I don't think what I have is contagious, its a mix of allergies, my birth control giving me problems, my new meds, and being a girl. I feel like I've been stabbed in the stomach, hit by a bus, a piano dropped on my head and I've been awake for weeks. I need Advil and sleep right now, but I have to settle for coffee and florescent lights and staring at this computer.

I have no idea when I wrote last so I'm just going to talk. My first 5k is in less than a week and I haven't run for over 2 weeks. Life just gets in the way sometimes. I will still run, but I just won't have a really good finishing time. I'm excited. I've even gotten to the point where I can download the Blogger app again, so pictures will soon be coming!!

Lilly had a blast at Disney World, but she only talked about what she did there a little. She was more excited to tell me about her hotel room and what foods she ate. I never brought up that I knew that a bird pooped on her head. She's loving 3rd grade and loves her teacher. I even like her teacher, but I don't think she's had one yet that I don't like. Fall ball has started and we ended up with the coach I didn't want. The one that yells a lot and throws fits like a little kid, but I'm giving him a chance and so far he is ok. He seems to have settled down a lot. Lilly is actually the best player on the team this time. She's gotten better, but we have a lot of girls that haven't played before.

Hubby has a new job. He starts September 16. He will be working shift work. At first I was upset until I noticed that he's not home a lot right now as it is, so there's not going to be much of a difference. I just won't have him with me during Lilly's games and stuff to help out with Zach, but there was a few that he missed anyway. Not really more money starting out, but he's supposed to get significant and frequent raises. Hopefully by the time Zach hits preschool, I can go to part time and work at the Y so I can still be with the kids, but have a job... and a free membership to the gym.

Zach's growing up too fast. He's sleeping better, but he does have his nights when he's up. He's eating more foods and saying more words. He can even draw a circle when you ask him to. He has to have a stuffed animal to sleep with now, but he doesn't really care which one. He gets his stool out and can get in the cabinets now too. He snuck a cookie the other day doing that. He even likes monsters. A couple nights ago he was yelling for some monsters to come sleep with him.

Oreo is growing too. He still jumps and bites, but playfully and I'm trying to teach him not to. He is good about staying in the yard until he sees another dog. The neighbors have a dog named Sam that Oreo likes to go visit. He'll crawl under the fence, but he's almost too big. He's going to get stuck one day. He's good at playing fetch too and we didn't even have to teach him how.

Work is ok. I just have to keep bearing it until I can get out of here. I keep applying for jobs, but keep getting looked over or turned down.

Tony is back on the road with Chris and my uncle Bill. I'm glad that he's making money again, but I hate that he's out traveling.

Its been raining a lot lately here and my work got flooded again. The hidden elevator and the garage elevator got flooded and so did my office. The hallways stink and there's industrial fans set up everywhere to dry the carpet. I'm sneezing like crazy because there's so much mold.

Mom is smoking again. You'd think after all the trouble she's had out of her heart that she would be smart enough to not pick it up again. Donavan is very upset about it and everyone keeps telling him that he doesn't understand just how hard it is to quit. I let him in on the secret that I used to smoke and I had no problems quitting. If mom can go a month without it, then she can keep going with no trouble. She just doesn't want to quit, that's all there is to it. Mom is going to do whatever Mom wants to do and no amount of talking or badgering is going to change her mind. If a doctor telling her that she needs to quit isn't good enough for her, nothing is. She's going to end up a mess and I wish I could get her to see that she probably won't live to see Lilly get married if she keeps this up. It breaks my heart that Mom is so stubborn.

Cj's baby shower was Saturday and it was fun, with a good turnout too. Good food, fun games, great company and lots of gifts for new baby. I brought my grandma and she had lots of fun too. I was trying to hang out with grandma while hosting the party and making sure CJ stays off her feet. I had to force her to go eat. I told her that we are not going to do a replay of her wedding and she's going go feed the baby and I'll take care of everything. Oh, the food. She had her family and me make stuff. There was little sandwiches, macaroni salad, pasta salad, fruit and dip, veggie pizza, cocktail weenies, meatballs, pepperoni rolls, veggies and dip, chips and dip... and I'm sure I'm forgetting something. Her mom made cupcakes- There was vanilla and chocolate and then there was s'more and Resse's cupcakes too. We played a lot of games and gave away lots of prizes. After the baby shower, she was having game night at her house to celebrate her birthday which is tomorrow. I went back home and picked up hubby and Zach, who spent the day at a family reunion, and we headed to CJ's house to play and eat some more. Fun day. We got home after 10pm.

My weight is now down to 177.8, but I haven't really exercised much lately. I almost weigh what I did right after I had Zach. I just have to keep at it. I've come a long way, but I still have far to go. My goal for the year was only to lose 25 pounds by Christmas, but I'm already almost there. I think I'll tack on another 5 pounds and make it 30 pounds by Christmas. I'd love to weigh 140 or so around my next anniversary. I'd love to fit back in a size 10 again too. I've fallen off track a little, but I'm going to hop back on whenever I'm feeling better. I'm running my race Saturday even if I am sick. I'll walk it if I have to, but I'm doing it.

I just finished reading the book Room by Emma Donoghue. Its a book about a girl who got kidnapped and is being held captive for years in this little soundproof shack and being raped almost nightly. She has a little boy while in this room and the book is from the little boy's point of view. It tells of their stay in the room, the escape and then how they adapt to the world. The boy only knew about the room and things inside of it. Good book, but I don't think it ended right. Of course I thought the exact same thing about Gone Girl. I'm taking a break from books for a while so I can concentrate on my weight loss.

I think I've caught you guys up on pretty much everything. I'm going to probably post pictures tomorrow. I haven't posted pictures in a long time, so there will be lots. With the app, I can't put a description with the pictures, but I can talk about them before... I just can't with each picture. Maybe I'll just do a few at a time for a few days. We'll see.   And also with the downloading of the app, I can keep up my smile blog as well!

Weekend Fun and Then Some

I am beyond exhausted today from the weekend. Oh, I didn't stop. Friday after I left work, I went to the store for some grocery shopping for the cookout I was having on Sunday for my family. Then I picked the kids up, let them play-Zach ended up wrecking his scooter, fed them and then helped Lilly pack and dropped her off to the camp out. Zach went with me and he carried her pillow.

Saturday, I got up, took a shower and went to pick Lilly up. Brought her home and told her to go to bed since she didn't sleep all night. I cleaned. I did laundry and washed dishes, swept off the front porch, fed Zach breakfast and then woke Lilly up to leave. Dropped her off to her father and I chatted with my grandparents a little. Stopped on the way home to talk to Tony while he was at work. Went home and finished laundry and finished up the kitchen and played with Zach. I rode on Lilly's scooter, we picked apples and went for a walk with Oreo, played with chalk and Lilly came home around bedtime.

Sunday, I swept and mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, cleaned the mirrors, cleaned off the tables, cleaned Zach's room, put some more pictures in frames, dusted, hubby cleaned up the outside furniture, and I started cooking around noon. I put on the ranch mushrooms in the crock pot, baked a cake, made a huge fruit salad, and made an Oreo pudding pie. Even ended up making another run to the store for more chicken. Mom, Seth, Donavan, and my nephew Jacob showed up first. We chatted for a bit and then hubby's ex brother in law pulled in. He stayed and talked to hubby for about 10 minutes and left. While he was there, Jeff, Josh, his wife Tish and her kids, Patrick and Austin showed up. I went out on the porch and chatted for a bit and watched the kids play. Then my in-laws showed up. I went inside and started cooking and told hubby to start up the grill for the chicken and deer steaks. He waited. Tony and Bre showed up while I was cooking. I sliced up some red potatoes and baked them, made a green bean casserole, cooked some baked beans, baked some fish, cooked corn on the cob, and made the kids hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Also made some lemonade and sweet tea. Hubby finally got done grilling and everyone ate... except Seth. He decided he was going to go sit in the car. I tried and tried to get him to eat or at least get out of the car. He finally got out of the car and sat on the porch and played his guitar. I got him to take a bite of Oreo pie and a strawberry and that was it. I got to talk to people for probably 20 minutes before they all left. Found out mom is smoking again.

I'm glad I got to see everyone, but I was too busy cooking that I didn't really get to visit. Oreo was very well behaved and the kids had a blast. It didn't take long to clean up and then the kids took baths. Lilly's elbow started bleeding again, but she wouldn't let me put a bandage on it. I finally got some big ones, but she started crying saying that it would hurt, so we just put a towel on it.

My evaluation of Seth... I think he is wanting attention. He made a big deal about not eating, he went to sit in the car. He made it very known to everyone that he hasn't eaten all day and didn't want to talk to anyone. If someone is depressed or suicidal, they don't do that kind of stuff. Yes, they may seek attention to get help, but he doesn't even want to try to get help. I think all those days of being alone in the apartment has taken a toll on him and he saw just how fast people will come running when he wants them to. I'm just afraid of the measures he will take to get attention, though. I wish he would go get help and maybe get put on some medication.

I've noticed some things about  my medication. I'm not depressed anymore, but I'm not really anything anymore. I'm not sad or overly happy or angry or anything... I'm just content all the time. My dreams are more vivid than before and sometimes, I swear, I actually FEEL like I'm in my dream living it for real. I feel the pain and the fear and I'm just so tired anymore, like I really did live my dream. I wake up with sore muscles when I can't think of a reason why they would be sore. I also can't breathe through my nose hardly anymore, but of course it could be a cold or allergies. My appetite has gone down significantly. I don't eat hardly as much as I used to and I'm just not hungry. Some days I have to make myself eat. I'm thankful for the medicine, I'm no longer falling down the endless spiral and feeling so alone, but there are just a few things that I have to adjust to now, I guess.

Yesterday Was.....Interesting

Yesterday I got a call from my youngest brother telling me that Seth is in the hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts. So I took off running the 7 blocks from my work to the hospital. The cops had picked him up after one of his friends called because he had sent a message on Facebook to a few of them suggesting that he was going to kill himself. I got there the same time as Jeff and we went in together. He seemed fine. A little scared. They had him in the ER in a basically empty room with a camera in the corner. A social worker came in and said that we can wait until mom gets there because moms know best and Seth said, "You don't know my mom. Mom does not know best, sister knows best, we can talk now." He explained what happened and I didn't see too much of a big deal. Thinking about suicide is a normal thing for me. Actually attempting it is another, however. He never attempted and never took any steps further beyond suggesting to his friends that he was going to. He was depressed over a situation, a situation that we've all been in. I told the social worker that it seemed like normal teenager behavior to me and she agreed. He had some cuts on his hand that he said was just more curiosity than anything and he knew it was stupid when he did it. He said all the hype in social media about being a cutter made him curious. That didn't seem to big of a deal to me. I used to carve in my hand for the fun of it. Tony was a cutter. Seth's was more like scratches instead of cuts too. If they were deeper, it would have been a red flag to me. Social worker said she understands that, but is a little concerned about his age. He's almost 19 and cutting his hand. This was the first time and I told her that Seth is alway behind the times. Jeff agreed with me on everything. Social worker left and I went to get Seth some food from the vending machine because he was hungry. While I was gone, mom slipped in and was talking to the doctor and going off about how Seth is depressed because he doesn't want to do anything. I stepped in and said that he's not depressed, this was an isolated incident that we all can relate to and he's just lazy, that's why he doesn't do anything. Seth totally agreed. Jeff was now taking mom's side. Seth was released just a couple hours after he had been in there. No reason for concern. Mom took him home with her.

Now, I'm not saying that he didn't think about killing himself, but its not an ongoing thought. He was depressed over this one situation and thought suicide was the way out of it. Now he's kind of on suicide watch at moms, but to tell you the truth, she's kind of the last person that should be watching.

I've been a little concerned about him for a while now and have told everyone to stop badgering him about getting a job and growing up. But they all kept on. This was not the reason behind this incident, but I'm sure it didn't help matters any.

Tony texted me this morning and was upset that I hadn't called him yesterday to tell him what was going on. I told him nothing came of it, that its not a big deal. If they had decided to keep him or if I had any major concerns, I would have called him.

On a different note.... Lilly's glasses are broken and she has to go a few days without now. Some kid stepped on them at the pool because I can never remember to pack her glasses case. I got a new pair ordered for her that should be around Tuesday at no cost to me at all. Also yesterday, Lilly wrecked on her electric scooter. She rode in the grass to get away from Zach who was trying to run her over with his Power Wheels 4-wheeler and she crashed, skinning up both knees, her right elbow and her chin. Poor girl. And so here was Lilly crying on my couch while I was trying to doctor her up and then Zach was outside crying because Lilly had pushed him away when he got too close to her elbow. I cleaned up her scrapes, but didn't have a bandage big enough for the areas, so I just let them go without. The bleeding stopped. I comforted Zach and he ended up going down the road with hubby and I was trying to make sure Lilly was comfy. I moved her to my bed and let her watch a movie. She slept ok and woke up with hardly any pain. She's going to a pool today too. She's going to be blind without her glasses and in pain from her scrapes.

Lilly's overnight camp at the Y is tonight. I hope her cuts don't bother her too much and she can have fun. I have to go shopping today for the cookout I'm having on Sunday. Well... I guess I could go Saturday....

Christmas in July?? Sure, Why Not!

My weight is now down to 179.8!! I have crossed the 180 mark. I gotta admit that I did do a little dance when I saw that number. After I had Zach, I got down to 170 but quickly gained and gained and gained. I'm almost there and I'm not going to stop!

You know what I did Saturday?? I got in the pool with the kids! Me. In a pool. I haven't done that in  years. First off, I'm not a water person. I CAN swim, but water freaks me out. Second, I hated the way I looked in a bathing suit. Now between losing some weight and loving the person I am and not caring what other people think, I went out and bought a bathing suit and then I actually wore it in front of people!! I gotta say that I did have fun with the kiddos and got a good workout in swimming around and pushing Zach in his floatie. He can kind of swim now with arm floaties on. He wore arm floaties and a ring floatie, but when I took off his ring, he was fine. He even jumped off the ladder into the pool. Lilly does flips in the water now too. Lilly had a nose bleed at the pool and we had to get her cleaned up. It was running down her arm and dripping onto her leg by the time we made it to the bathroom. Nothing happened. She just gets random nose bleeds. I had so much fun that I can't wait to go back. We left a little earlier than I wanted to because it started storming. Great workout!

I can't say that much else happened. I went this morning and got some blood work done to get my sugar and whatnot checked out.

Took Lilly for a haircut Friday. She got it cut above her shoulders. Looks good and I bet she's way cooler now.

My family is coming down to my house on Sunday for a cookout. I have to start cleaning and planning on what I'm going to cook! I'm so excited. No one's been here since I moved in. Mom, Jeff and 4 out of 5 of my brothers are coming. I have to make sure I cook healthy. Mom and Josh are supposed to be on a diabetic diet and the rest of them but Tony needs to lose weight. I'll probably do some chicken and some fish with corn on the cob, some summer squash, maybe a green bean casserole since its Tony's favorite and then maybe a fruit salad and some angel cake...

Lilly's campout at the Y is this Friday! She's super excited. I have to find her sleeping bag. She's done about $16 worth of chores so far and only has a few more days left to make it to $30.

I did my first bit of Christmas shopping today! I bought Lilly a lap desk with a light and a cup holder. I bought 2 more that have 'boy' designs on them and haven't quite decided who is going to get those. Probably hubby's 2 youngest nephews will. The youngest one starts Kindergarten this year... I think. And then I went ahead and shopped around some more and put some stuff into my online carts. I'm probably up to $300 or more so far. I won't be able to go shopping on Black Friday this year which is a huge bummer, but I'm sure most stores will have sales more than one day. At least that's how it was last year. The sales either lasted all day and it didn't matter what time you got there or they lasted a few days. I'm sure it'll be the same this year. I haven't quite figured out what hubby's big gift should be this year. I have an idea, but I'm not 100% sure I want to get that yet or not. I'm also  thinking of getting Lilly an ipod for her birthday. That's going to take some thinking too.

Feeling Better

My medication is certainly working. I feel happier, yes, but I also feel....lighter, like there's not this heavy weight inside of me pulling me down. I used to always feel like something was inside of me dragging me down, making me slower, heavier, darker, and I'd just feel worse about everything, but that weight is gone now. Hubby told me last night that I'm weird when I'm in a good mood. I guess weird is good now. At least I'm not brooding or crying or silent or sad. My anger outbursts have gone down too. I don't yell nearly as much as I did and so many things that used to bother me to no end just doesn't anymore. Its like I'm seeing everything with new eyes and a new heart. I can't believe I've waited so long to seek help. I've battled this alone for over 10 years and it was getting to the point where I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. Its wonderful.

And speaking of being lighter... I've finally hit the 20 pounds lost mark. So much hard work, all the pain, the hot nights running, the salads every day is paying off. I'm now down 20.6 pounds. That's almost 2 whole pounds in less than a week. I haven't even gotten to go running this week yet because its just been toooooo hot. Heat advisory= no run for me. I'm a wuss like that.  Even though I'm not out running, the weight is still coming off, so I know I'm doing something right. I now weigh 180.4 pounds. From 201 pounds on Valentine's Day to 180.4 pounds today! 5 months and 20 pounds later, I feel great. My clothes fit so much better.. or at least my shirts do. They're not tight anymore. My pants however, are too loose and I need to go shopping for more than just the one pair that I have.

So... hubby is close to getting a new job. Well.. a new position for the place that he works now, but it'll pay better and instead of working for an independent contractor, he'll actually be working for the plant working a reactor. A few more bucks on the hour too. I kind of hope he does get it, but part of me hopes he doesn't. He'll be working some nights and there will be days when we don't get to see him. I know a lot of families are like that, but I like that we're all on the same schedule. See... I'm even trying to be sad about not seeing him, but I don't feel that weight. I do feel sad, but without that weight in my heart, I don't feel like my sadness is genuine. I've just been living with it for long. I guess it really wasn't normal to feel that. Anyway... More money would be great and the work would be easier on him, but I hate that we'd go days without seeing him.

I've applied to work somewhere else too. I know someone that works there already and a girl I work with now is pulling some string for me to try to help me out. She knows someone that could probably help out too. I hope I get it. Closer to home. I may have already talked about this.

I think I'm going to go to the mall tomorrow for lunch. I need to get out of this building during the day. I've been here all week, taking my lunch at my desk because I didn't want to get out in the heat, but I'm going to go tomorrow. I get paid tomorrow and I'm going to scout out some sales for more clothes for Lilly for back to school and I'm probably going to buy Dark Places by Gillian Flynn too. Get Zach some more shorts too. I think we're down to 6 or something at home and if he has an accident, then I have to do laundry and I don't like doing laundry unless its laundry day. :-) We'll just see how much money I have left over after I pay day care and stuff.

I had a dream the other night where a plane crashed into the hotel a block from my work. I was in the mail room and felt this horrible shake like an earthquake and I remember feeling pain. I ran outside and then the plane exploded. I've also been dreaming a lot about bears. Big black bears. A lot of them.

Its about lunch time now. I brought left overs from last nights dinner. We ordered out. I ordered some pasta and stuffed bread and only ate half and brought the other half to work today. I'm proud of myself for that. If this was a couple months ago, I would have eaten all of it last night and went to bed with a stuffed tummy. I'm glad I have all of this under control now.

My Weekend

We are halfway through July and I don't know how we got here. This year has flown by so fast that I didn't even realize that its more than halfway over. What happened? I've been living in my new home for almost a year. Can you believe it? After all the searching, all the bad credit, all the fixing, all the saving, all the offers, all the let downs... we've been home for a year. I still don't have it decorated or anything. A year. A near empty house. Its weird.

Friday, I went running and got my best time. 11:44 minutes a mile and I went almost 3 miles. Felt great! Went home and showered then headed out to Walmart where I spent way more money than I anticipated. I bought me a pair of work pants that are a size down and they fit perfect! Bought Lilly some back to school clothes. Broke my heart to buy her training bras, but I figured it was time. I didn't start wearing them until 5th grade, but growing up was a thing about life that my mom didn't want to talk about. As much as it breaks my heart that she is growing up and as embarrassed as I think I'll get, I'm not going to let her face it alone.

After shopping, I went to the Y for lunch with Lilly and an art show. We ate hot dogs and I talked with her friends and played around with Lilly. I got to take her art home. I was trying to get back to pick Zach up before nap time, but I was 6 minutes too late. I left him there to nap and went home to read and then nap myself. An hour and a half later I went back and he was still out, but I woke him up and he was all smiles.

Headed out to the 'farm' Friday evening. We let off some bug bombs to get rid of gnats. We got there, ate some Subway. Bought Zach a 6 inch pizza sub and he ate all of it and kept saying it was delicious. I love hearing him say that. Blew up an air mattress for Zach to sleep on and went to bed. Got up Saturday and headed out to the woods where me and Zach sat on 4-wheelers and watched the men work, pulling fallen trees out of the woods. I kept trying to get Zach to get down and play, but he wanted to watch. He also gave me 3 dirty diapers while we were out there. I couldn't get him to lay down on the ground so I could change him, so I took him up to hubby's dad's deer blind. Its like a tiny little house. After they were done, we went back to camp for lunch and Zach took a nap. I took one too. Hubby came and woke us up and said it was time to go home. So, just like that, we went home to air the house out. The bug bomb did nothing. We still have gnats and there was even a spider still hanging out in Lilly's room! And we got more than enough for the space that we have. Oh, well.

I lost a pound. I'm down to 182.2 now. Its very exciting to see the scale moving again. Losing weight is still weird to me. I didn't think I was capable and here I am, almost 20 pounds lighter!

I was going to get my blood work done this morning, but I woke up kinda sick and I thought better of it. I'll try again tomorrow.

Yesterday, Zach wrecked his power wheel. He was going up the hill behind our out building and he tipped it, trapping himself between the power wheel and the building. He has a little bruise on his hip, a red mark on the side of his head and a scratch along his neckline on the left side. He was more scared than hurt. I ran and picked him up and he cried, but it wasn't his hurt cry so I knew he'd be ok. We went inside for a drink of milk. He went all day without a nap and crashed right at bedtime.

I think my medicine is helping. Tomorrow will mark a week and I've been in better spirits. But.. this is my good week out of the month. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go. I haven't been too sick from it and it doesn't make me that drowsy anymore.

I'm almost done with the book Gone Girl. Its ok. Lots of weird little twists and turns, but kind of predictable for me. There's very little that happens that I haven't guessed already. I don't want to ruin it for anyone that is reading it. I would recommend it. I mean, its good. Written very well and I like Gillian's style. I just have a bad habit of knowing what's going to happen before it does. I do it with movies and tv shows. Hubby kinda hates when I voice my predictions aloud. He thinks I've already seen it and I'm trying to ruin it for him.

Oh and the dog. I'm kind of at the point where I regret getting the Oreo. The idea of him seemed like it was something we could handle. I think we should have gone with an older dog. I liked the idea of Zach growing up with a dog, but now I wish we would have gotten one a year old or something instead of a puppy. I feel bad leaving him outside while we're at work, but he's going to be an outside dog. He still bites and jumps on the kids and Zach is still afraid of him. He's a little too hyper and rough for Zach. I know we're still in the training stages and we've only had a him a little over a month, but it seems like forever. I just wasn't ready to have another baby in the house. At least if I was pregnant, I would have 9 months to prepare myself. Oreo was a spur of the moment decision and black lab really wasn't what we were looking for. I hope he calms down for Zach's sake. We got him for the kids and they won't go near him. Hopefully soon we can get all that fixed.

Short Note

I slept a little better last night. The medicine still made me a little tired and dizzy but not as bad. I do have the shakes pretty bad today. Yesterday I felt like I was in a dream all day, like I was just floating along. The day went by fast, I didn't have very much of an appetite and I was tired all day. Of course all that from yesterday could have very well been from where I was tired. I didn't feel sick at all last night, so maybe it was something else that made me feel that way. Maybe something I ate? I still feel.... weird.

I didn't work out at all yesterday. No spinning class. No running. No Wii. No weights. Just rest. I'll probably lift my weights tonight and I'll go running Friday morning. Maybe even take a nap too. Still haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either.

I can't think of anything else to write about right now. My brain is switched off or something. I told my mom about the medicine I'm on and she said she's on the same thing and that it will mess with me for a while before I get used to it.  I can't stop yawning. I could go to sleep right now.

Oh, picked the kids up from the Y and Zach's teacher looked like she was about to pull her hair out and I asked her what was wrong. Apparently Zach had made a big mess in the bathroom. He splashed water out of the sink and somehow clogged it up too. Water was all over the floor. Another boy was eating toilet paper. He'll take it off the roll, dip in the toilet and then eat it. How gross is that? I hope he doesn't get sick from it. I feel for those girls. They are dealing with so many kids by themselves. I know Zach is a handful by himself and just throw a few more in the mix, I'd pull my hair out too. There's one teacher in there in the afternoons and if one kid has to go potty, she just kind of has to let him go by himself. She can't leave the rest of the kids in the classroom alone. A lot of times when I get there, I'll stay in the room and let the teacher help a kid in the bathroom or even run to the bathroom herself. Of course its against the rules, but I do it anyway. I've always done that and I'm sure I'm not the only mom that does it.

My coffee is cold now and I'm out of K-cups. Looks like I'm going to the store tomorrow too.

Working on a New Me

I went to the doctor yesterday. I hadn't been to see a family doctor since 2009 and decided it was high time to go. I love this new doctor. He's great! He's personable, he doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, he listens, and he kind of reminds me of the kids' paediatrician. I told him I was wanting to get my all my blood stuff checked and he wrote  me up a lab order for me to go anytime I want as long as I fast beforehand. I plan on going next week... well.. .I might go tomorrow. He also put me on Citalopram which is the generic brand for Celexa. It treats major depression. We talked. I knew I was depressed and told him that I just can't do it by myself anymore. I didn't know I had major depression. I guess deep down I knew, I knew that it was bad. The medicine also treats OCD and has some weird side effects. I believe it made me sick last night. I was up for an hour and a half with extreme nausea, hot flashes, dizziness and my hands were shaking pretty bad. I can't really confirm it was due to the medicine, so I'm going to try again tonight and see what it does. He said that it can also cause nightmares, but I already have those pretty bad. We talked about those too. He's super great. I still feel kind of weird today, but it could be due to lack of sleep. I even got up earlier this morning so I could go to a new spinning class before work, but I was the only one that showed up so it got canceled. I feel really bad for waking the kids up early. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Put them to bed a little early, get them up a little early and get some good exercise in.... but it didn't work out too well.

Went for a run last night but I didn't quite finish. My running app was messing up really bad. It quit beeping to give me running/walking intervals and then it paused by itself and I didn't know for a while. When I tried to unpause it, it wouldn't and then none of the buttons would work. So I just stopped it. Pretty glad I did because I was running out of time to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I saw my short run as an ok thing because I was going to go to a spinning class in the morning.........

Lilly went to The Pottery Place yesterday with the Y. She said she painted me another coffee cup which I am super excited about. I'm still drinking out of the one she made me 2 years ago.

Hubby bought the kids new toys. We got Lilly a bigger bike that is purple and Zach got a bigger Power Wheels that is a 4-wheeler. They loved them. Zach still has trouble understanding that he can turn around without getting off to spin it. He ran into our cars a couple of times. He wasn't watching where he was going and rammed into hubby's truck. He turned it and rammed into my car. He slammed it in reverse and hit hubby's truck again and then he clicked it back to forward and hit my car. He wouldn't take his foot off the pedal. He's used to pushing a button with his thumb on the steering wheel. It was kind of comical. I told hubby he needs a helmet asap.

I started a chore list for the kids and they get money for doing things. Lilly is wanting to go to the camp out at the Y, its $30 (I thought it was $20) and she has to do $30 worth of chores. So far she only has $3. I put small amounts on the chores. Feed and Water Oreo is $1. Stacking the shoes is $.50. Sweeping is $.50. The only one that's above $1 is eating veggies and I made it $2. Zach only has $.50 so far because he gave Oreo a treat.

I wonder if the medicine messes with my appetite too because I haven't had breakfast yet and its about 3 hours past when I usually eat. I'm not hungry. Even my coffee is kind of grossing me out. Now its about lunch time and I'm still not hungry.

Today is actually going by pretty quickly even though I feel like I'm just sort of floating along. I need more sleep tonight.

I'm taking Friday off because the Y is having a family lunch and art show for the kids in day camp. So, I'll go and eat a hot dog and see some art and spend time with Lilly. Me and Zach will get up in the morning (Lilly will be at her father's), and I'll take him to day care. I'll go for a run before it gets too hot. I'll come home and take a shower and then go to the Y for lunch and pick Zach up and go home.

My pace per mile last night was around 12 mins!!!!! Yeah, I didn't finish, but I went for about 20 mins and my app was even messing up. It said that I did the 19th minute super slow. I was stopped trying to fix my app. I'm very proud of that time. I was running faster than I usually do and I sped up my walking time. I think when I go Friday morning, I'm not going to use the part of the app that tells me what to do. I'm going to go on my own and see how well I do. I'll still use the app to track my movements and my time and stuff. Oh, I just checked and the next activity is a 2.5 mile run, so I can use that. It doesn't beep for intervals when I do this.

I'm starting to get a headache now. Maybe I should go and try to eat something...

Why Are Chirstmas Songs in My Head???

Rain. That's all I see anymore is rain. Its been raining on and off for 2 weeks now. A day doesn't go by when it doesn't rain at least a little. I'm so tired of the rain. Just give me one day off from the rain. I was supposed to go see mom yesterday, but the rain was just too much. The city's roads were flooded and mom's hill was nothing but mud. We didn't even get to set off fireworks Saturday because of the rain. The horrible sudden downpour of rain. Some of the fireworks got too wet and are now ruined. Zach burned his thumb on a sparkler. He touched it after it went out and before I could get to him. I was holding a baby and trying to help out all the kids with their sparklers and I just don't have enough hands. He's ok. He cried for a bit and we put toothpaste on it since we didn't have any burn cream. Then he smeared the toothpaste all over his head and he was sticky. No blister. I did get to see 2 of my brothers, my uncle and one set of grandparents yesterday so the day wasn't a total bust.

My weight is down to 183.2. Not really too much to celebrate. The weight loss is going very slow now. I need to get more active, but the rain is making it hard to get outside. I'm going to wait until I'm down to 180 before I completely go down a pant size. So, 3 more pounds and I can start digging out some old clothes. I can wear it now, but I want to wait. I really didn't get too much exercise this weekend. I was on my feet all day Saturday though.

My running is getting a little better. My time is still lower than I would like, but I can jog further distances without having to slow down and walk. I just really need to work on the walking and go faster.

Here's a bit of good news. The police station is hiring office personnel and I'm more than qualified. I'm applying and I have my fingers crossed that I get the job. I know a girl that works there and hopefully she can start telling everyone just how awesome I am. Its closer to home and closer to hubby's work. I asked the girl I know if me leaving every now and then to tend to the kids would be a problem and she said nope. She said that I get more than enough sick and vacation time and as long as I use that, they don't really care. Visiting family in the hospital will become a little of a problem since the hospital is a little further away. Dropping Lilly off to my grandma's would be more problematic since its further away and I don't think I could bring the kids in to work with me. I'm applying to it and I'll work out all the kinks later if I get it.

I was feeling a bit sick yesterday. I'm kind of glad I didn't get to go to mom's. After I got home from grandma's, I felt like someone just hit me with a bus. I laid on the couch and cat napped. I hardly ate yesterday too.. until about 10:00 at night when I got my appetite back. We watched Identity Thief last night and it was a very hilarious movie. I've been dying to see it and it was great. I've been quite disappointed in movies lately. The past few that we've rented, I've fallen asleep an hour into it. Django, Snitch, and a couple others I don't even remember the names to. I'm not saying they were bad movies, they just couldn't keep me awake.

OH, for the cookout on Saturday, Lilly made a fruit pizza. All I did was cut up the fruit for her and she did the rest all by herself. We bought strawberries and blueberries and she arranged them to look like the American flag. She did a great job on it.

My best friend's baby shower is a little more than a month away. We have nothing planned, really. We just got together on Friday to make lists of games, food, people to invite, prizes and whatnot. I'm excited. She's having a girl and I think they are going to name her Sadie. She's not having such a fun time being pregnant. I loved it! I loved everything about being pregnant and I would not hesitate to do it again. She said that she doesn't like the feeling of the baby moving, but I thought that was one of the best parts! I told her to play with Sadie. When she kicks, poke her foot. Put something on your belly for her to kick and push and play with. She only has 2 1/2 months left.

So, I took a break from typing this and went out for lunch. I went to the mall and tried on some bathing suits and I actually bought one. I haven't been in one since 2008. I took a picture of me in it and sent it to hubby making a weird face. I've still got a long way to go before I'm really comfortable in a bathing suit. Not to mention that I'm not a water person, but I will get in the pool for my kids. I'm trying to not care so much about what I look like now... as long as I FEEL good, that's all that should matter. I bought a size 14 and it fits. Its sad to me to be happy about a size 14 when I remember I cried the day I had to buy that size because my size 12 jeans were too small. A lot has happened these past few years. When me and hubby first got together, I was wearing mini skirts! Can you believe that? Now, its a rarity to see me in anything above my knee. But here's to a new me! I'm losing weight and getting back to where I want to be and I'm also learning to be comfortable in my skin and love myself. :-)

I Believe I Can Fly

I just want to take this time to talk about what all I've accomplished on my mission to getting healthy and losing weight. I am now down 17.8 pounds and I can run almost half a mile without stopping. My pace per mile is right around 13 minutes. When I first started, my pace per mile was about 16. I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud of the fact that I am running now, that I CAN run. After high school I thought I would never run again. I thought the people that I saw out in town running were silly. I never knew the joy and the benefits of running until now.

I usually go running around the track at the middle school about two miles from my house. Sometimes I run to the track, sometimes I drive. Sometimes I'll run from my house to wherever I want to go and back. I was using my lack of time as an excuse to not run, but I've began to love it and I feel empty without it. Its my me time. Its my reflection time. Its my hour every other day to my path to a more healthy life.

I've made a doctors appointment for next week. Just a routine thing. I'll get my blood work done and see just how my health is at this point. I want to see the difference between now and 2009 when I last had it done. I had just quit smoking and was pregnant with Zach last time. I also did weigh less by about 10 pounds.

My food is healthier.... so much more healthier. I don't eat deep fried foods anymore. I hardly eat chips or candy. I'm eating way more fruits and veggies. I don't eat fast food. When I do eat out its usually somewhere like Subway. I eat fish now. I hadn't eaten fish since middle school.

I'm bringing this up because not only have I come such a long way, but my mom is back in the hospital for chest pains. She went in 2 days ago and is getting out today. Turns out that it was just her new medicine that was giving her problems. I am trying to push myself in the direction AWAY from heart disease. That's one of the things that scares me the most, having a heart attack. Mom's had 5. Her first one was exactly 13 years ago. She's had triple bypass surgery. She's had so many problems, and I'm trying to not repeat it. Heart disease and diabetes, along with high cholesterol and high blood pressure all run in both sides of my family. I'm hoping that by changing my lifestyle I can avoid all of these things. I'm also hoping that by changing my lifestyle, I can introduce the kids to a healthful life that they will keep with them even after they've moved out and had kids of their own.

Sunday I took Zach to the track with me because I really needed to run. Pushing his stroller became more of a problem than I thought. I got him out and he ran around the track with me. He ran one whole lap without stopping. I was so proud and he was so happy. He giggled the whole time. I hope I can keep both my kids active. Lilly loves to run and she loves sports. I just need to get her eating habits to change. Zach loves to be active and from the looks of it now, he's going to play baseball. He loves baseball.

I never thought in my life that I would end up obese. I never thought that I would ever not be healthy. I never thought that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted to anymore. I never looked at myself as a person that works out or watches what I eat. My first step was a year ago when I joined the gym. I didn't see any results from my membership and I went nearly every day for at least an hour and I worked hard.. but the problem was that I wasn't watching what I was eating. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

The first time I walked in that gym, I felt so weird. The first time I went running, I felt weird. Now it feels natural and I can't not do it anymore.

Still Breathing

Today is my mother's birthday. She's 51 today. My mom. I've learned so much from her and so much about real life. I've learned not to rely on other people, that you must be strong. I've learned how a child's heart can break when you want nothing to do with them. I've learned that a day without food won't kill me, but to a child, they think they are. I've learned that I can do whatever I want at any given time. I've learned that popcorn straight out of the microwave can burn. My mom's always seemed to do her own thing. My best memories of her from my childhood is me and her grocery shopping. That's about all I have. I still love her. She's my mom. I'll never have another one.

As I've grown older, we've grown closer. Having Lilly did help our relationship a bit. There's still plenty we don't agree on and we argue over how she treats my youngest brother. Even when we aren't getting along, we still call each other. Its weird in way. Most women grow up saying that they don't want to turn into their mother... I don't and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. For starters, my kids are number one and my needs get put on the back burner. For two, I am in better health. I don't sit there and blow smoke in my kids faces while stuffing my face full of potato chips. 3- I know how to care for other people. She gave me the opportunity to mature early. I grew up. Someone had to be the adult. So, here I am, 27 and I feel like I'm 80 most days.

Couldn't sleep again last night. The storm was keeping me up as well as my brain. Stupid brain just doesn't know its bedtime. I finally told hubby a little about my paranoia last night. He didn't say much.

I did a little research today and found out that my birth control very well may be the thing that's making me bat-shit crazy. Depression, nervousness, weight gain, headaches, leg cramps and low libido are all side-effects and I suffer from all. I do want to throw in bi-polar as well. Further reading into the side-effects made me want to go to a doctor about the leg cramps. It could mean a blood clot and I could die from it. So... I'm making me an appointment tomorrow. I've picked a doctor today that is walking distance from work. I'll tell them about my leg cramps and maybe throw in the depression on the first visit.

Lilly is going camping with her father this weekend. I really hope they remember to put sunscreen on her and reapply. She got burned last week while at his house.

No more weight loss. I went running Sunday and again Tuesday and I'm hoping to either go again tonight for tomorrow night. I'm eating right. I'm tracking all of my food. I don't understand why the scales aren't moving.

I think I want to try to give my blog some kind of direction instead of just making this a journal like place. I have no idea which direction I should take it. I've been reading quite a few blogs lately and they seem to just focus on one thing for each entry. I just ramble on and see where it takes me. Which I'm about to continue to do.

I need to try to have a yardsale. I just don't know how. I've never done it and I have so much stuff. I don't want to go to the basement, bring a load upstairs, take it outside, organize and arrange it and then have to go back down to the basemen to do it all over again. It'll take me all day to get that done. Maybe I could have a couple small ones instead of one big one, but I don't want people to not stop by because they were there the weekend before... ya know.. I'll have more stuff... different stuff.. come buy my stuff!!

I even thought about renting the community building, but even that would require me running up and down the basement stairs, loading it into my car, out of my car, in the building to organize and arrange and then back to my house for more to do it all over again for a few more trips. I just have soooo much stuff. I even thought about just organizing it all in my basement and having the people go down there and get what they want to buy. That way I don't have to lug it up the stair in so many trips.... but I don't want strangers walking through my house. If I had an outside door to my basement, it would be different, but you have to go through my house. I need to figure something out. I need to get my basement cleaned out.

Something I've learned... everyone has several sides to them. You're crazy, you're silly, you're quiet, you're loud, you're outgoing, you're reserved, you're into sports, you like to read.... there's so many sides to a person. Every other person that you are close with like friends, family, co-workers... you are you, but you are the you that you choose to be around them. I really don't think anyone can say, "You're the only one that knows the real me." Do you even know the real you? Does your boyfriend know the side of you that your mom knows? Does your girlfriend know the side of you that your brothers know? Do you act the kind of silly around your husband that you do with your best friend? Do you really tell someone ALL of your secrets, ALL of your thoughts? I saw someone post, "because he's the only one that knows the real me" on Facebook and it got me thinking if my husband knew the real me. He does, the real me that I am around him. Around my brothers I'm a different kind of goofy and a different kind of serious. Around my best friend I'm a different kind of caring and a different kind of silliness. Which one could really be the REAL me? They're all sides of me. Its all me. Its always just me. I think the people you are with brings out the different sides of you. I've heard, "you bring out the best in people" but does that mean that you are your best around them? Rants almost over.... If you don't act, talk, or think the same way around your significant other like you do your best friend, a sister or even your parents... then they don't know the real you because that part of you is still you. 

Holy Cow

I am so tired today. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having the same boring dream over and over again. I was in my kitchen making my salad for the next day's lunch. THAT'S IT! After all of my horrible dreams that have me up every other night, a salad is what keeps me up now. It was just so boring! I woke up every half an hour and when I went back to sleep, there was my salad again. It was a looooooooong night.

5 year anniversary was Friday. He got me a chocolate diamond necklace and here I am with only a wooden figurine to give him. We went out to eat kind of late and ended up at a place that Lilly wouldn't eat. I told him to go somewhere else, but he kept insisting.

Saturday we took the kids to the pool and they had a blast. Hubby didn't so much. 2 little boys kept following us around the pool and splashing him. I got a good laugh out of it. Later that night I took the kids out to catch fireflies.

Sunday, hubby went to Ohio to get fireworks. Me and the kids had a picnic and a water balloon fight. After I realized that Zach wasn't going to nap, we went out for some frozen yogurt. Hubby got home about the same time we did.

I think I need my eyes examined again. I can see fine, except when I'm on the computer. Everything gets all blurry.

The fire fighter who got arrested back in February for shooting at his wife and kids at a grocery store's parking lot, was released on a property bond Friday. He and hubby don't quite see eye to eye because he is dating hubby's sister. A move by her that we don't understand or support. She has 4 kids and I'm pretty sure she kicked her husband of 20 years out and divorced him so she could be with this guy. Things have been rough with her for a few months and this other guy has been in jail. But now he's out and his trial isn't until September. I'm now scared to be home without hubby. This guy shot at his kids and  his wife and then dumped the gun at Lilly's school. Its hard to tell what else he has planned for anyone else. I know he and hubby are going to end up fighting before this is all over. Hubby's oldest nephew has been reporting back to us everything that's been going on. Hubby's nephew spent his 16 birthday by himself mowing the grass while his mom and her boyfriend were out. Later that night, his mom was out with the boyfriend and someone tried to break into her house. He called his mom. She didn't come home. Hubby went over and made sure everything was ok. And to top everything off, this jailbird is flirting with hubby's 13 year old niece and her mom either can't see it or doesn't care. She's sitting on this guy's lap! He's always hugging on her. A lot is going on with this guy and I don't like it. He hasn't even been out of jail for a week yet and I'm already a nervous wreck. He's even out running fire calls again. Thankfully, I think they found a way to be able to kick him off the fire station without him being able to fight it. I know where my gun is, the clip is in, but not all the way. All it'll take is me 3 seconds to push the clip in and cock it. It just blows my mind that hubby's sister is letting him stay at her house around her kids and flirt with her daughter. What the hell??!!

It was actually to the point where I was considering her a really close friend. We got along great and I liked hanging out with her. But then she pulls this. I don't trust the guy. I don't trust her judgment. I'm scared for what's going to happen. I pray for her kids every night.

OH, and get this... the night before he pulled the gun on his wife and kids, this guy takes all of the guns that are in his name and takes them to his dad's house except the one that he used. Planned? I do think so.

So, this is what has been consuming my mind. Saturday, when me and the kids were out in the yard in the dark catching fireflies, hubby leaves in a rush. Doesn't say a word. Runs out of the house, gets in his truck and leaves. He doesn't turn toward the main road like he's going to the fire station. He heads the other way towards where this guy's house is. First thing that runs through my head is, "OMG, he went to his house and his wife was there and they are fighting." Or something. I thought something horrible happened. He's not allowed around his house until the divorce is final. So, I rush the kids in the house and get them in bed where I know where they are. Grab my gun and lock all the doors. I turn as many lights on as I can without it looking weird. I stand in the hallway before the kids bedrooms where I can see the front door and hear everything else. I'm ready. Hubby comes home and says that it was just a fire call for a brush fire, but it turned out that it was a controlled burn. And guess who else was running the call... jailbird! In hubby's sister's van, with her and her daughter there too. Hubby said he didn't even get out of his truck. He just sat there and watched.

My next thought is going to the July 4th party we always go to at hubby's best friends parent's house. That's where we always set off fireworks that they went to Ohio for. I bet jailbird shows up there. He's always gone and 'helped' set off the fireworks. He mostly ends up knocking them over or getting in the way. I hope he's smart enough to not show. After that is the fire fighter picnic. I hope if they find a way to get him suspended from the station, he can't go to this either.

I've never liked the guy. From day one, I despised him. There was just something about him that I couldn't stand. I told hubby several times that I hated being around him, that he's nothing but a no good drunk who if probably on drugs. "No, he's a good family man." is what hubby would say. He drank beer like it was water, didn't give a damn about his kids and always looked high on something. Everyone loved him. He was a hoot to be around. A guy to go to for a good laugh. I was the only one who didn't like him and everyone thought I was crazy. So.... a couple weekends ago, I threw the ol' "I told you so" in hubby's face. I probably shouldn't have, but for 5 years, I've been warning him about this guy. I don't hate people for no good reason. There's always a reason even if I don't know it. I like most of his friends. It was just this one guy and there's one girl I can't stand and I can blame hubby for her being around. We went out to eat with a group years and years ago and she was our waitress. One guy thought she was cute. Hubby gave her the guy's number, even though I told him not to. All they do is fight now. Married 3 years, I think. Can't stand her.

I went running Sunday and got my pace per mile down to 13:39. By the time of the first race, I want to be down to around 10 minutes per mile. Which means that I need to get out more. If we don't hit up Walmart tonight, I'm going running. I'm saving up time at work so I can leave early on Friday's and go running from work.....if its not too hot and humid. I don't want to pass out or anything. I'm only down 16.4 pounds and I should be further along by now. I need to kick this into gear and run more.