Freaking Out

I think its time for me to seek counseling for myself. This medication just isn't enough. I need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. I got online and looked up a therapist and it asked to fill out forms before coming in for an appt. I almost cried just reading the forms asking about abuse and depression.... I wanted to call or text someone to even talk about my feelings for that and I couldn't think of a single person I could talk to about it. My  mom maybe. So I resorted to my blog to express myself.

I'm deeply burdened by so many things and I'm about to explode. I came to the harsh realization that if it wasn't for handful of people in life, 2 are my kids, I probably would have ended my life by now. My kids and my younger brothers are the only things keeping me alive right now. I constantly am thinking about wrecking my car while driving. I wonder if I was just injured, who would show up in the hospital... if I died, who would really care. I know I have plenty of people in my life, but who are the ones that actually care and love me for me. Things are just bad right now. My medicine isn't working or something. Its not just people, its situations that I'm beginning to not be able to deal with. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore and its like I have to force myself to engage in anything. For the sake of my kids, I'm trying so hard to not become a bedridden hermit. My kids are my pride and joy and I can't stand the thought of leaving them.

Memories of past abuse have been circling my head constantly lately. I've forgiven most of the abuse and I've tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. And then there's the present... hubby who recently got caught trying to cheat on me, who doesn't help out unless I'm at my breaking point and have to ask him 10 times, who sits in front of the tv or on his phone all day, who hardly is home, who yells at me over the littlest things, who gets very upset when I try to express myself or feelings, who won't sit down and have a serious conversation with me, who makes me feel like everything is my fault and I'm the one to blame, who just last night got mad at me and spent the night on the couch because I got mad that he let Zach stay up until 10:00, who makes me feel guilty for everything, who only thinks of himself and does what he wants when he wants..... I'm about to break. Here's exactly what happened last night-

At 8:15 I told hubby to put the kids to bed and I hopped in the shower. 8:45 I got out and put leftover dinner in the fridge and cleaned up a bit. He was in the living room watching tv or whatever. 9:00 I went in the kids rooms and turned off the tv and told them 'night. Zach wanted to get up to tell Oreo and hubby night. I picked him up and carried him in to hubby and sat him on his lap. I said, "Zach wanted to tell you goodnight. I'm going to go dry my hair. Put him back in bed and change his diaper." Him-"Does he need a diaper change?" Me-"He doesn't have a night time diaper on" and I walked off. While drying my hair, Oreo peed in the floor, hubby cussed and threw a fit, put the dog out and cleaned it up. After I was done, I sat on my bed and watched tv until 10. Zach started crying. I go in his room and his tv is on! Hubby comes in the room. Me- "Why is Zach's tv on?" Him-"What do you mean?" Me-"His tv is on, its 10, I turned it off" Him-"When did you turn it off?" Me-"At 9:00 when I brought him to you." Him- "I let him turn it back on when I brought him back to bed" Me-"Why?" Him-"I didn't know what time it was." Me-"His tv was off late at night, why would you let him turn it back on." (note- we are talking in normal voices and still in Zach's room) Him-"You don't have to badger  me" Me-"I'm not going to be able to get him up on the morning now." I walk off and go to my bedroom. He comes in a minute later. Him yelling-"You don't have to yell at me, I'm trying" I don't say anything and I never yelled. He walks in the bathroom and I hear him texting on his phone. He walks out and back in the living room where he stays all night. WTF happened? This crap right there is an every day thing with him. I can't acknowledge that anything is wrong or he goes off the deep-end and makes me feel so horrible. It took me 20 minutes to get Zach up out of bed this morning. He woke up twice last night just screaming and crying. Hubby made no effort to get up like always.

I can't even talk to him about what happened last night. If the past has taught me anything its that he will either yell at me and tell me its my fault or tell me I need an attitude adjustment and storm out the door and not come back until well after midnight while I'm sitting with the kids alone crying my eyes out wondering where the hell he is.

Last night before all that happened, I told him that since he is off for the next week, I want him to get Zach's toddler bed in his room tomorrow (today). He said he couldn't I asked why and he said he has things to do. I ask what and he says things. I ask what things and he says that he can't tell me. I sit and stare at him waiting on an answer and he gets up and walks off. He's been telling me since Halloween that he was going to get Zach's bed up and what in the world could he be doing that he can't tell me? After just 2 months of catching him trying to cheat on me, this is not something I want to hear.

All this, is everyday. Every single day. And then you throw in the stress of everything else and I'm about to explode- Work, kids fighting, cooking, cleaning, the dog, my own family stress and problems, money, no time, softball, homework, and trying to please everyone... I don't know how much more I can handle.

That's why I looked up a therapist. That's why I'm sitting here typing this. I have no one to talk to about any of this, about how I feel, about what I'm going through, about the stress, about the flashbacks, about the never ending fight to hold back tears......

Honestly there's one person I think would understand everything, but I can't really talk to her or I'll be betraying hubby. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, and I'm friendly with her, but that's it. I do miss her and right now I feel like I need her, but I can't.

On a lighter note, Zach's party is tomorrow. I have no idea how many people are coming. I'm fully stressing about it. I'm out of money and there are still things I need to buy. Hubby hasn't chipped in at all. He ordered the cake for 30 people after I told him that more than was invited, so now I'm going to make cupcakes too. That's all he's done. I got the gifts, I got the decorations, I got the place. Now I'm freaking out because I have to get a few more things and finish paying for the place and I can't, but I'm afraid to ask hubby for money. I hope everything goes ok.