New Stuff

I'm putting off counseling for a bit. I'm thinking of a new way to go about things. I think I'm just going to try to occupy myself so I don't really have time to think. There's so  many things that I want to do and places I want to go, but I'm kinda stuck in this rut and this routine is getting old. My bff and I started making lists of  things we wanted to accomplish before each milestone birthday. For example- When we were 21, we  made a list of 25 things we wanted to do before we turned 25 and now we are working on a list of 30 things we want to do before we turn 30. I'm sure I've mentioned it before and maybe even posted my list. Well... I'm going to get down and serious about this list and get things done. I've even made a bucket list of things I want to do or accomplish before I die. So here's my list of 30 things...

30 Things to do before I’m 30

1. Buy a house (checked off)
2. Empty storage building and have yard sale (half checked off)
3. Organize photo albums
4. Go canoeing
5. Get a new job/or great at my current job
6. Get a new car (got a different car, not new but new to me)
7. Take up a new hobby (working out count?)
8. Make a Thanksgiving dinner
9. Drink a fancy wine
10. Get back to pre-Lilly weight
11. Get a new hairdo
12. Go to the beach
13. Ride a horse
14. Get a tattoo for Zach
15. Have 2 more people I consider close friends
16. Learn how use a sewing machine
17. Run a half marathon
18. Take kids to museum (checked off)
19. Ride in a big boat
20. Ride in an airplane for the first time
21. Go ice skating
22. Go Zip lining
23. Go to Disneyworld/land
24. Be in the best shape of my life on my 30^th birthday
25. Ride in a train
26. Take kids camping
27. See a flash mob
28. Get my house organized and decorated
29. Be a secret Santa for a needy family
30. Take a REAL vacation

And I found this website bucketlist.org where I've made my bucket list. Here's that one, some of it does correspond with my 30's list.

Ride in a hot air balloon 

Cook a big holiday feast

Take kids to Legoland 

Start a Family Cookbook 

Walk Through a Corn Maze 

Spend Christmas, with my family, in a Cabin, in the snow in the mountains 

Learn archery

Learn a new language 

Pay for a Stranger's Dinner

Watch a meteor shower

Have a picnic in Central Park, New York 

Be Part of a Flash Mob 

Go Rock-Climbing 

Visit the Louvre in Paris 

Go Geocaching 

Visit machu pichu 

Go to the Egyptian pyraminds 

Go to the airport and take a random flight

Do a road trip across America

Visit every state in the USA 

See the 7 wonders of the world!

Visit Stonehenge 

Climb up the Statue of Liberty

Fly First Class 

Visit sydney, Australia 

Visit Niagara Falls 

Ride a Gondola in Venice, Italy 

Visit Times Square 

Go on a cruise 

Visit disney land 

See Colosseum (Rome, Italy)

Visit a castle 

Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower 

Walk on the Great Wall of China 

Travel to New York 

Travel to Italy 

Complete the Spartan Sprint

Extreme Tubing on a whitewater river

Paddle through a Medieval Town 

Give money to a homeless person

Go on a cruise 

See the Grand Canyon

Swim with Dolphins 

See a Cirque de Soleil show 

Visit the White House

So, I better get to work in making these things happen.

Zach's party went ok. There was a snow storm, so only like 20 people came, but he had a blast and that's all that matters. His best friend showed up too. The weather has been horribly old lately, but I don't  mind it. We've played in the snow so many times too. I just realized the other day that I cannot find the 4 shirts I bought Zach for Christmas. He has never worn them! I can find all his other clothes that he got for Christmas, but not what I got him. I keep looking, but I can't find it.
I'm not really in a better mood persay, I do think I still need therapy and/or someone to talk to, but I'm going to try just occupying myself first and see how that goes. I'm sure the kids will enjoy doing so many new things too. 

Freaking Out

I think its time for me to seek counseling for myself. This medication just isn't enough. I need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. I got online and looked up a therapist and it asked to fill out forms before coming in for an appt. I almost cried just reading the forms asking about abuse and depression.... I wanted to call or text someone to even talk about my feelings for that and I couldn't think of a single person I could talk to about it. My  mom maybe. So I resorted to my blog to express myself.

I'm deeply burdened by so many things and I'm about to explode. I came to the harsh realization that if it wasn't for handful of people in life, 2 are my kids, I probably would have ended my life by now. My kids and my younger brothers are the only things keeping me alive right now. I constantly am thinking about wrecking my car while driving. I wonder if I was just injured, who would show up in the hospital... if I died, who would really care. I know I have plenty of people in my life, but who are the ones that actually care and love me for me. Things are just bad right now. My medicine isn't working or something. Its not just people, its situations that I'm beginning to not be able to deal with. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore and its like I have to force myself to engage in anything. For the sake of my kids, I'm trying so hard to not become a bedridden hermit. My kids are my pride and joy and I can't stand the thought of leaving them.

Memories of past abuse have been circling my head constantly lately. I've forgiven most of the abuse and I've tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. And then there's the present... hubby who recently got caught trying to cheat on me, who doesn't help out unless I'm at my breaking point and have to ask him 10 times, who sits in front of the tv or on his phone all day, who hardly is home, who yells at me over the littlest things, who gets very upset when I try to express myself or feelings, who won't sit down and have a serious conversation with me, who makes me feel like everything is my fault and I'm the one to blame, who just last night got mad at me and spent the night on the couch because I got mad that he let Zach stay up until 10:00, who makes me feel guilty for everything, who only thinks of himself and does what he wants when he wants..... I'm about to break. Here's exactly what happened last night-

At 8:15 I told hubby to put the kids to bed and I hopped in the shower. 8:45 I got out and put leftover dinner in the fridge and cleaned up a bit. He was in the living room watching tv or whatever. 9:00 I went in the kids rooms and turned off the tv and told them 'night. Zach wanted to get up to tell Oreo and hubby night. I picked him up and carried him in to hubby and sat him on his lap. I said, "Zach wanted to tell you goodnight. I'm going to go dry my hair. Put him back in bed and change his diaper." Him-"Does he need a diaper change?" Me-"He doesn't have a night time diaper on" and I walked off. While drying my hair, Oreo peed in the floor, hubby cussed and threw a fit, put the dog out and cleaned it up. After I was done, I sat on my bed and watched tv until 10. Zach started crying. I go in his room and his tv is on! Hubby comes in the room. Me- "Why is Zach's tv on?" Him-"What do you mean?" Me-"His tv is on, its 10, I turned it off" Him-"When did you turn it off?" Me-"At 9:00 when I brought him to you." Him- "I let him turn it back on when I brought him back to bed" Me-"Why?" Him-"I didn't know what time it was." Me-"His tv was off late at night, why would you let him turn it back on." (note- we are talking in normal voices and still in Zach's room) Him-"You don't have to badger  me" Me-"I'm not going to be able to get him up on the morning now." I walk off and go to my bedroom. He comes in a minute later. Him yelling-"You don't have to yell at me, I'm trying" I don't say anything and I never yelled. He walks in the bathroom and I hear him texting on his phone. He walks out and back in the living room where he stays all night. WTF happened? This crap right there is an every day thing with him. I can't acknowledge that anything is wrong or he goes off the deep-end and makes me feel so horrible. It took me 20 minutes to get Zach up out of bed this morning. He woke up twice last night just screaming and crying. Hubby made no effort to get up like always.

I can't even talk to him about what happened last night. If the past has taught me anything its that he will either yell at me and tell me its my fault or tell me I need an attitude adjustment and storm out the door and not come back until well after midnight while I'm sitting with the kids alone crying my eyes out wondering where the hell he is.

Last night before all that happened, I told him that since he is off for the next week, I want him to get Zach's toddler bed in his room tomorrow (today). He said he couldn't I asked why and he said he has things to do. I ask what and he says things. I ask what things and he says that he can't tell me. I sit and stare at him waiting on an answer and he gets up and walks off. He's been telling me since Halloween that he was going to get Zach's bed up and what in the world could he be doing that he can't tell me? After just 2 months of catching him trying to cheat on me, this is not something I want to hear.

All this, is everyday. Every single day. And then you throw in the stress of everything else and I'm about to explode- Work, kids fighting, cooking, cleaning, the dog, my own family stress and problems, money, no time, softball, homework, and trying to please everyone... I don't know how much more I can handle.

That's why I looked up a therapist. That's why I'm sitting here typing this. I have no one to talk to about any of this, about how I feel, about what I'm going through, about the stress, about the flashbacks, about the never ending fight to hold back tears......

Honestly there's one person I think would understand everything, but I can't really talk to her or I'll be betraying hubby. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, and I'm friendly with her, but that's it. I do miss her and right now I feel like I need her, but I can't.

On a lighter note, Zach's party is tomorrow. I have no idea how many people are coming. I'm fully stressing about it. I'm out of money and there are still things I need to buy. Hubby hasn't chipped in at all. He ordered the cake for 30 people after I told him that more than was invited, so now I'm going to make cupcakes too. That's all he's done. I got the gifts, I got the decorations, I got the place. Now I'm freaking out because I have to get a few more things and finish paying for the place and I can't, but I'm afraid to ask hubby for money. I hope everything goes ok.

Sick, Snow, Rambles and Babies

I was sick all weekend... I was dizzy, my body ached, my throat was sore and swollen, I constantly had a headache... I'm still a little sick today, but I'm feeling better.
Yesterday was Zach's third birthday. I took the day off to spend with him and Lilly was home too because school was canceled due to snow. We played in the snow until Zach went face first into the snow off of a sled. His face was so cold and he wouldn't stop crying so we went in to warm up. At 4:15, the time he was born, me and Lilly sang him "Happy Birthday" and I lit a candle for him to blow out. He was going around all day singing happy birthday to himself too. It was too cute. His party is Saturday and I think I'm ready for it now. I just have to buy some cupcake mix and a helium tank and we're all set.
The water here is supposed to be fine now, but I can still smell the chemical in it. We still aren't drinking or cooking with it. Mom was convinced that I was sick because of the water. I thought I had a douse of the flu. I never got any rest to help me get rid of it. Today is my first day back at work and I'm feeling a little better. I still could use some sleep and maybe some soup....
Ok, so... all my life, I saw myself with 3 kids. I've always wanted 3. I tried to have a serious talk with hubby about having another child, but he just wasn't having it. He said he was done having kids and that is that. I don't know what his big deal is. He doesn't really deal with the kids... I do it all. He only jumps in when I tell him I need him to. Yeah, we'd probably have to move or build on to our house and I told him that we could wait a couple of year until he's making great money... but he didn't want to hear any of it. I really want another kid. I really do. Children just bring so much joy to my life. I love my kids to death. Yes, I do have days when I want to pull my hair out and there are days when all they do is fight and cry, but its all worth it. Part of me is wondering if he doesn't want to have another one because he doesn't plan on staying with me. I believe I did write about me catching him trying to cheat on me. I forgive too easily. If he's not happy in this marriage then he needs to attempt to fix what he belives is wrong or he needs to leave. I love him and I would like to go to counseling. The last thing I want is to be cheated on. I'd rather him just leave. I'll be happy alone with the kids. I've asked him about counseling before and he just says that he doesn't have the time. Maybe I should go. But a marriage cannot be one sided. Both people have to make an effort. That's one of the biggest problems. I try too hard and he doesn't try at all. I keep thinking that if I keep trying and be a wonderful wife, everything that he wants, that he will begin to make an effort and not try to sneak behind my back. I keep thinking that, but it hasn't worked yet. I guess he will never change. Part of me wonders why I stay. If he's clearly not happy and I'm not happy because he's not happy, then what's the good in it? Well.... that paragraph took a turn, didn't it? Ok, I want another kid, I want to stay with hubby, but if he's not happy and not willing to try then there's not point and I know I'll be happy no matter what happens. I love him, but if he can't love me back, I'm not going to fight for it and I'll continue on with my life and focus all my energy on the kids. I thought that by being on these anti-depressants, it would make my outlook on my marriage change, but just because I'm happier doens't mean he is. He's been drifting away before we even got married. He was wondering eyes and is very secretive and I've caught him a few times trying to cheat on me. Am I stupid to stay?
Going off that topic now.... I think I've made up my mind.. If I ever make it back to school, I'm going to major in Business. It just seems like the most logical thing to do. Its what I know even though I don't really want to know it. That's what working at a bank for 6 years will do to you. I wonder if I'd be happy as a teller. At least then I could work with the public again. There's this place that is about to open up about half an hour from my house.... its kind of a recovery place for babies that are born addicted to drugs. I've looked into working there and the only thing I qualify for is front desk and it makes minimum wage. They are recruiting volunteers to come in and cuddle with the babies. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, but I don't have time to drive down there and cuddle. Maybe if they expand, they can open an office in the city I work and I can go cuddle babies on my lunch hour.
I'm about to fall asleep due to lack of sleep these past 5 days, so I'm going to go make me some coffee.

Bad Water

This past week has been difficult. Last Thursday there was chemical spill in the river and it swept into our water systems. We couldn't drink, wash, bathe or use the water in anyway. It smelled like candy and was bluish. We were put into a state of emergency. Friday, work was closed, schools were closed, day cares were closed, all restaurants were closed. I stayed in the house with the kids, I melted down the ice that we had in the ice tray and turned it off. I shut off the faucet to Zach's sink. By Friday night, I was reading on the news that most stores were out of bottled water. Saturday there were trucks upon trucks of water coming in. I went to the fire station and picked up 2 cases for my grandparents and took it to them. I went to the store and bought 2 cases of bottled water and 4 gallon jugs. Sunday, I went to mom's since she had clean water and me and the kids took showers. I filled up my empty containers and even the big 6 gallon water jugs we had stored away. On Monday, work was opened, they had bottled water coming in and hand sanitizer. I didn't go. Stayed home Tuesday too. Monday night, a few places were cleared to begin cleaning out their systems at home. I was not one of them. Work and my grandparents were clear. Slowly, throughout the week, more places were clear. As of 12:30 today, everyone was in the clear. We got cleared yesterday morning. We flushed out our systems, but I can still smell it. There's been reports of people breaking out in rashes and getting sick even after their water was in the clear. We aren't going to drink it for a long time. Zach did take a shower last night and he's fine. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands with the water and I'm fine. My bff took showers while NOT in the clear and she's fine. Its kinda like a hit and miss on who is getting sick from the water.

Wednesday, Lilly went to grandma's to shower and Zach came to work with me. He had fun. He watched the portable DVD player I brought. He played with his cars. We climbed the stairs. We walked to Subway and got sandwiches. At the end of the day, I got an email to not bring him in anymore because he was a distraction. He was certainly quieter than the gals in this office yelling across the room at each other. So I sent an email back saying I have no other choice, I have no one to watch him while day care is closed and I'm not using my sick days when no one is sick. So... he came to work with me the next day and Lilly went to they Y, it was open for school age kids. We stayed at my other desk that was in a room off to itself. I let him run around all crazy and do whatever he wanted. He wore himself out, but wouldn't take a nap.

Zach turns 3 on Tuesday!! I just now reserved the Y for next Saturday I was going to have it at my house, but I'm just expecting way too many people to show up now. I'm so not ready for this party. I haven't ordered the cake. I don't have any decorations. Events keep sneaking up on me. I've been so preoccupied with this water situation, that I didn't realize what day it was.

I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on this weekend. I wonder how much of it I'll decide to do with bottled water.

2014!

Christmas was crazy busy, but the kids had a blast. I got to see family and eat some good food. I didn't, however, get any kind of vacation day on my week long vacation. I was always on the go. Zach was missing  his friends by the end of the week and Lilly had enough of me that I sent her camping with her father's mom. I missed her, but she had fun. She went out hunting with her too.

Everyone stayed up on New Years and we set off fireworks. Hubby knocked some over and we almost got hit by them, but we all survived.

The weather here sucks big time. Last night it was -7 degrees and this morning it was -3 when I got in my car. We've had a few snow storms, but nothing too bad. No school yet due to snow and cold weather, so Lilly's happy over that. She says she misses her friends though.

I had a filling fall out of my tooth Sunday night, so I stayed home from work yesterday. The dentist couldn't get me in until afternoon. I had a giant hole in the side of my tooth!

Zach's birthday is just 2 weeks away. I went Sunday and bought his big gift... a toy toolbench with tools. We are planning for a fire truck themed birthday party.

Lets see- Christmas.... I'm pretty sure the kids got everything they could want and then some. Lilly was so happy about the trampoline and Zach didn't really know what it was. I got pretty much everything I asked for... a heart rate monitor, sports bras, nice pj's.... hubby even bought me a bike. My bff got me a Yoga mat and a Yoga video. The gaming chair I bought hubby has been claimed by Zach. Lilly got so much artsy stuff that she can't decide what she wants to do first. Last night she got out 4 things and did a little of all of them and then complained that she never finished anything.

I've gained almost 10 pounds back from the almost 25 that I've lost. My pants are tight again. I'm getting back on track though. I let myself slip for the holidays, but its time to stop.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and is staying warm.

I know this is a really short post, but I've got a lot to do at work today.

Christmas is Near

I feel so horrible. Last night I had a fever and a sore throat. I woke up with no fever, but a raw throat and I'm so drained. I'm eating cough drops like candy today.

Christmas is less than a week away and I think I'm beginning to slack off a bit. I still have so much to wrap and I think I have one more thing to buy. I also need to get all the gifts sorted out that I've already wrapped that are going to other places. I was going to wrap last night, but with my raising fever, I just hopped in bed.

Zach's Christmas party at day care was yesterday. They didn't really do anything. A teacher made ornaments with the kids picture in it, the kids decorated them for about a minute and they ate cookies. I thought Santa was going to show, but he didn't. We should have done some kind of gift exchange or something. Oh, well.

Lilly's pajama day is today. She got to take her house slippers that are the Stompez where when you step down the ears pop up. They are drinking hot cocoa, watching Polar Express and eating ice cream.

My head feels like its swimming and I'm floating and I just wanna go home. I hate being sick at work. At least I'm not throwing up, I guess. (knock on wood) I only have 2 hours left of sick time to take and I'm afraid that I might need it the next 3 days I'm working this year. Its only 2 hours.

I'm off all next week, so don't expect an update unless I decide to download the app on my phone and post pictures. I have some cute pictures that you've been missing out on. I need to get that done. I need to get some pictures off of my phone so I won't run out of memory right when I need it most, like last year.

The weather is warming up and I hate it. Its winter! Its almost Christmas! Where is the snow?? It snowed just last week and now we are going to hit temps in the 70's this weekend!! What is going on with the weather? Its crazy. This is why I'm sick. Mother Nature is so confused. Ok, I'm either going to take a nap here at my desk now or go out for an early lunch and find me some soup or something. If I don't post tomorrow, Merry Christmas!!!

Randomness

We are having a potluck lunch today and a gift exchange at work... so today is going to be pretty laid back. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having nightmares and I felt sick too. I have a sore throat this morning, I hope its nothing. I ran out of medicine on Sunday and forgot to order it... so I went without last night. I feel ok today. One day without won't kill me or make me crazy, right? I just don't think I can get any more until Friday when I get paid. I don't know if I should go that long without it. Hopefully with it being Christmas time, my spirits will be up and I won't come crashing down.

Last night, as I lay there not sleeping, I kept thinking of all my favorite movies. I thought I'd share them on here since they seemed to be on my mind. Here they are in no particular order with the exception of Wizard of Oz, which of course if my all time #1

Wizard of Oz

Now and Then

Remember the Titans

Saving Private Ryan

Forrest Gump

Gone With the Wind

Shawshank Redemption

Schindler's List

Chicago

The Princess Bride

The Notebook

A League of Their Own

... and I think I'm about to add the Hunger Games movies in the mix too. I love the movies so far, and the books were great, but I'm not sure if they are quite worthy of being on my list just yet.

 

Today Lilly is having a Winter Wonderland workshop at school where the kids get to go and buy some stuff and it helps benefit the PTO. I gave her $6 and everything there is $2, so she'll get to buy for 3 people. Last year she gave me a little ceramic flamingo that hangs on the wall, Zach got a glass votive candle holder, hubby got a 3 piece glass bowl set with flowers on them, mother in law got a Santa mug and father in law got Santa kitchen towels. She was so excited about the gifts. This year she's only getting me, hubby and Zach something. I told her she didn't have to get me anything, but she is. I remember doing these things when I was little. Mom never gave me any money to buy anything. One year I stole 50 cents from her and ended up buying my step dad (at the time) a mini screwdriver. Kids really like doing this kind of thing. It makes them proud to be able to pick something out themselves.

Tomorrow, Lilly gets to wear her PJ's to school. They are going to watch the Polar Express and have hot cocoa. Zach is having his Christmas party tomorrow too. I'm leaving work early for that.

Yesterday I send my big boss an email asking for a promotion/raise. I'm nervous about his answer. I haven't heard back from him yet, but saw that he did forward my email... no idea to who, but he did. I guess that's a sign of progress. I'm in desperate need of a raise. I'm so far in the hole, I've been having problems getting out. Hubby found out just how bad it is the other day and I got yelled at. I can't help it. Day care costs went up, my pay did not. The satellite bill went up, my pay did not. I'm trying. I really am. And with Christmas its just been even harder. Crossing my fingers for that raise!!

100 Thing You May Not Know About Me

2 posts in one day... I'm on a roll

1- I've never been to a beach
2- I'm afraid of deep water
3- I don't make friends ...easily. I tend to keep my distance from people
4- I love to cook but sometimes I'm really bad at it
5- I hate to clean. I do the bare minimum.
6- I cannot sleep with socks on
7- I've never been on an airplane
8- I've been in 2 bad car wrecks that have totaled my car. Both of them in a Ford
9- my favorite sounds are- newborn babies crying and locusts.
10- I quit eating fish when I was 12 up until just a couple months ago.
11- I can't wear high heels. My feet are too wide and just weren't meant to be in them
12- I absolutely love Christmas. I start planning and buying months before
13- I've moved about 20 times and have been in 5 different school districts
14- if I won the lottery, id probably end up giving most of it away
15- I haven't played the flute in nearly 15 years but believe I could still do it
16- I'm in denial about how old I really am
17- anytime I have extra money, I spend it on the kids even if they don't need anything
18- almost every night I have a very vivid, very terrifying, very memorable nightmare
19- one of my biggest fears is having a heart attack
20- I hate having my picture taken. It makes me really see just how much weight I've gained instead of imagining that I'm still the skinny girl I was in high school
21- I love to read but need to take a break between books unless it's a series
22- I love scary movies but find most of them to be corny
23- my dream is to run a marathon
24- I wish I saw my family more
25- I hate folding clothes
26- i still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up
27- I love the feeling of a baby sleeping on my chest.
28- I don't like to talk about just how much my kids have grown
29- I hate that I've lost touch with a lot of great people
30- i don't mind making a fool of myself, I don't easily get embarrassed
31- seeing a wiggly tooth makes me nauseous.
32- my favorite color is purple, but my favorite crayon is orange
33- I love rice!
34- I'm addicted to Chapstick
35- I've run 4 5k's so far
36- the first time I rode a roller coaster was on my honey moon
37- I like to hunt but haven't been in years
38- I cry very easily
39- I don't know how to drive a stick shift
40- I hate shopping for myself
41- I can fall asleep at any time of the day in just about any position.
42- I don't have to wear glasses anymore even though I've had them since I was 5
43- my first pet was a Beagle named Dan
44- I like to talk in a Brittish accent
45- I cannot keep a house plant alive
46-I love to watch game shows. Especially the old ones
47- I didn't go to my senior prom
48- I didn't get my drivers license until I was 18
49- I've had 5 different jobs
50- my first crush was on Mikey, the orange teenage mutant ninja turtle
51- my first car was a '91 gray Dodge Dynasty
52- When I was little I accidentally killed my pet duck by feeding it a crawdad with the pincers still on
53- a bat flew in my hair when I was 15 and riding my bike at night
54- favorite all time movie is Wizard of Oz
55- My favorite actresses are Jennifer Lawrence and Natalie Portman
56- favorite actor is Morgan Freeman
57- least favorite actor is Nicholas Cage
58- in high school I was into Egypt and mummies
59- I originally went to college to be a high school science teacher
60- I hate the taste of beer
61- I've been smoke free for almost 4 years
62- I've had the same hair style since I can remember
63- I've never broken a bone
64- I used to paint, write poetry and even started a book
65- I love taking pictures
66- my favorite toy when I was little was a stuffed orange cat that I named Orange
67- the carpet in my first bedroom was yellow
68- I've been to Canada once back in high school
69- I have no desire to go to Hawaii but would love to go to Alaska
70- I got my belly button pierced at 16 but had to take it out at 18 because my pregnant belly got way too big and it looked like the ring was going to pop out
71- I have one tattoo- a big blue Lily flower on my right ankle
72- I had a lisp up until the 2nd grade when I taught myself how to talk normal.
73- my favorite flowers are lilies
74- I lived with my grandparents during the first few months of my first pregnancy
75- I have 6 brothers with 2 of them being half brothers and one being a step brother
76- I took up running this year
77- i saved one of my younger brothers from drowning once when I was 10
78- I am fascinated by space and can spend forever just staring at the stars
79- swinging sometimes makes me nauseous
80- I have scar on my left knee from when one of my brothers threw a cat at me
81- my front left tooth is slightly chipped from when the same brother threw a metal pipe at me
82- I have scar on my left forearm from where my oldest brother burned me with a piece of wood that he just sawed in half
83- I've had 7 stitches in my head
84- I wore a heart monitor in high school for a while due to panic attacks
85- I have bunions on both feet and have since I can remember. Born with them?
86- anytime I smell veggie soup cooking, it reminds me of grandma Lesher's house
87- I have a psycho ex bf that I'm still scared to death that I'm going to see out in public and we broke up 10 years ago
88- I love driving when it's dark
89- I feel awkward in crowds but don't mind public speaking
90- I can't do small talk
91- one day I will go back to school for a college degree
92- I like to add hot sauce or ranch dressing in just about everything
93- there's not much food that I don't like
94- I have 2 kids but they aren't the first kids I've raised
95- my world revolves around my kids
96- I'd love to have a more meaningful job
97- i have a permanent callous on my right middle finger from where I used to write so much
98- growing up, I'd always pick a GI Joe to play with over a Barbie
99- I spent most of my high school years without running water
100- my lifetime goal is to see the 7 wonders of the world

Keeping Up Wtih it Now

Ok, I know its been forever, but I'm seriously going to try to keep this thing up to date now. Seriously. I mean it this time. Didn't I say that last time? Well... I really mean it. I hate that I haven't written in so long. So much stuff has happened. SO MUCH.

It seems that ever since I've been on this medication, I just can't seem to get my thoughts together enough to write on here. I'm going to try from now on. I have to learn to keep my head straight.

Weight loss is still at a stand still... well, actually, I've gained some weight back. I've gotten lazy. I vowed last night that I was going to start anew and make this happen. I have so much further to go and I'm not going to ruin how far I've come.

I don't really remember what all I have written about. I know its been a while, but I don't know how far I should go back.

My bff had her baby, beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair. She's about 2 1/2 months old now. I've actually been trying to hang out with CJ a lot more lately. I really need her in my life and I haven't realized it.

I ran the a zombie 5k back in October. It was lots of fun. Not my best time, but I had a blast.

My grandpa had surgery, but it all went fine. He is cancer free.

I came so close to kicking out hubby in October because he was so close to cheating on me. I told him this is his last chance and he will not get anymore. I'm too forgiving, I think.

The kids had fun trick-or-treating. Zach was Spongebob and Lilly was a Monster High doll. They got tons of candy.

I have a bit of my basement cleaned out now. I gave 2 car loads of stuff to one of my cousins. She was worried about providing Christmas for her 6 kids, so I gave her stuff. I'm also giving a lot more stuff away for Christmas. Saved me some money.

I didn't get to go Black Friday shopping this year because I had to work, but a lot of places started their sales Thursday evening, so I went out then. I got just about everything I wanted to get and got in bed around midnight. My brother Tony and his fiancé watched Zach for me and we spent the night there. Zach loves Tony, he calls him his Pony. So cute

Saturday was the fire fighter Christmas dinner. Zach was dressed all snazzy in a suit and was so excited to see Santa. Lilly didn't go this year. She kind of chose not to. I hope she's not starting to not believe.

I am done Christmas shopping and halfway done wrapping gifts. The kids aren't getting as much from me as they did last year, but I did overdo it last year. There was so many things that they didn't even bother with. Sometimes its hard for me to remember that they are getting other things from other people.

I get to spend Christmas with my mom's side of the family this year. I haven't done that in years. Hubby is working until that evening, so I'm going to see mom and family, then go to see dad and family then its off to the inlaws. We will be celebrating at my house the day after Christmas.

Lilly is getting just about everything on her list. Her big things were a cell phone and a trampoline. We got her a trampoline and she's getting a tablet. Zach won't understand the trampoline until its out of the box and set up... which isn't going to happen until the spring.

What else? I'm sure I'm missing plenty.

POST!!

I really like to type. Is that weird? I like the sound the keys make when I'm clicking away.

 

A lot has happened since I last posted that I don't even know where to start. I've been so busy lately that its hard for me to find time to post anymore. Work has picked up, Lilly's doing fall ball, hubby has a new job with a new schedule, I'm going walking on my lunch breaks at work and climbing the stairs in my spare time. Life and stuff, right?

Ball is going great. Lilly plays mostly first and third base and she's very happy about it. They've only lost 2 games so far.

Zach is Zach. Still running around like crazy.

Hubby's new job requires him to work shift work so there's some days that we don't even see him. He's been on night shift the past couple of days. Its ok. The only problem I really have is what I'm making for dinner since he's not home.

My second colorful 5k is coming up this Saturday and I haven't even talked about my last one. I think I'll do a comparison post on the 2 and post some pictures as well.

I'm going to seriously try to find time to keep this blog updated. Its a great way for me to collect my thoughts and have a place to go back and read what's been going on. My medication is helping still and I couldn't be happier.

My bff is due to have her baby girl tomorrow, but she's not showing any signs at all of labor, so she'll probably be induced on Monday.

My grandpa is in the hospital because he was passing blood and having chest pains. He passed blood for an entire week without even mentioning it to my grandma. I'm going to go visit whenever he's out of his colonoscopy.

Weight is at a stand still. I haven't been exercising like I should. At least I'm not gaining weight, right?

Ok...I'll keep trying to update this thing.

EDIT: I wrote this earlier today. I did go see my grandpa. They didn't do his colonoscopy today because the nurse didn't know to give him his meds to start it. It's going to happen tomorrow now. He's doing ok. In good spirits and making jokes. My grandma is a nervous wreck. Now this isn't the same grandpa that was in the hospital earlier this year. This is my other grandpa, my dads dad. 

Just me and Zach tonight. We chased each other through the house, had a tickle fight, cuddled, watched cartoons and I even ordered us pizza. He's finishing up now then it's off to bed. 

I forgot Lilly's lunch box in the fridge this morni g and felt so bad about it. School was having something I knew she wouldn't eat and I forgot. So on my way to daycare to get Zach, I stopped and picked Lilly up a little something to eat and have it to her. I hope it held her off until she got to her fathers house. 

This is hubby's last night shift of the week. He will be off the next couple of days and then back on day shift a couple of days. It's actually quite nice when he's working nights. It's quieter. The kids listen better. I get to watch what I want on tv. When Lilly has a game, there's no hassle to get there and we are on time. I know eventually I'll miss hubby being here at night, but for now I'm kinda enjoying it.