Happy May!!!

My Book of (Even More) Awesome is suppose to be in my mailbox today when I get home!! How exciting is that??!!!!

Got a picture text from hubby's mom today showing me what Lilly wore to school... what her father put her in. Yeah..its really not school appropriate. I guess its ok for playing dress up or even going out to the store, maybe...but not school. She's wearing this pink leopard print long shirt with a tiny purple shirt over it. Big poofy, lacy, black skirt and shoes that go halfway up her legs. One~ don't put her in a skirt to play in at school. Two~ the weather isn't going to be very warm and its going to rain like crazy today. Sometimes I would just love to slap some sense into him. Yea, its a cute outfit, but its not for school. Ten bucks says that outfit isn't even hers, its her sisters.

Went to see my dad on Saturday. My step mom hasn't seen Zach since we were in the hospital, I think. Two of my brothers was there. They didn't say much. I tried to coax a conversation out of both of them, but I failed. One brother is very depressed. He was the main reason I went down there. I wanted to try to get him to talk to me without him knowing that I'm trying. I want him to want to talk to me. He's been going downhill for quite some time now. He opened up to my oldest brother. I think he was trying to open up to me on Easter, but I didn't pay any attention and was preoccupied with the kids. I feel bad now for not taking the time out to listen. I want to do something special for him. Staying at Dad's isn't helping. There's nothing to do there. All they all ever do is sit and watch tv. I need to get him and my other brother out of the house every once in a while and do something special with them. I don't really know what. The brother with the deep depression has a phobia of being around a lot of people. I don't know if its just a phobia if he's by himself or if its all the time. I need to be there for him. I need to find a way to help.

Ok, I didn't report on how my first day on the new diet went, so I'll do it now. Its harder than I thought it was going to be. Especially right after Easter when there's a bunch of candy in the house. So, yeah, I cheated. I ate candy. I ate pizza. The pizza was a late night dinner. It was Saturday after we came home from Dad's, Zach was super whiney and crying and I couldn't get in the kitchen to actually cook, so around 10 pm, I gave in and made a pizza. Friday, we had Chinese, (I also had Japanese for lunch) but I did put it on a plate...and ate with chopsticks. Cereal for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday. Sunday I made pork chops on the George Foreman grill. Very yummy. I did have a boiled egg for breakfast this morning. I just don't see how that could be worse than cereal. And I need to eat up all the Easter eggs or they will go bad. They probably are already bad. If I get sick today, we all know why. So, today I have planned to eat my yogurt here in about an hour and then around 1:00 I'll have some Progesso Light chicken vegetable rotini soup. Tonight I'm frying up some deer meat and onions. Fork and spoon!! Its harder than I originally thought it was going to be. I didn't realize how many things I ate with my hands. No more sandwiches, no Subway, no tacos, pizza is out....its crazy. I was beginning to be a big fan of Subway. I was eating there about once a week. I guess if I go, I gotta get the salad. Oh, Thursday for lunch I had a small chili and a baked potato from Wendy's. Its hard and its going to take some getting use to and way more self control.

I think I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want to work here. I know they are trying to improve me and train me to take over, but I really don't want to. This isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. This isn't what I want to do now. I want a better job. I want a physical job. I hate sitting at a desk all day. I hate not being physically busy. This is how I gained all this weight. I've gained 25 pounds since I started working here, and that was before the baby. This is my first 'sit down' job and I really hate it. I was born to move around. I was made to work. I was raised to work in a blue collar job. I need to get out of these computer chairs, flourescent lighting, confined inside jobs. **sigh** but I'm too much of a wuss to leave. I know my boss depends on me and honestly, I'm scared to leave. What if the next job doesn't work out? What if they go under? I'm not a fan of the 'what if' world. I took a risk a while back and it nearly broke me. I have no money to be risky now. I need to be financially stable. I need to know that my next job will be better and I will be safe, no chance of unemployment. I have that stability here. I know they won't let me go. I know I have a job to come to everyday, the pay could be much better, but I have a job. I hate my job and think I was made to do better things. I guess I'll just have a look around and see what's out there. I'm just not sure what to look for.

I should be able to try again for a house loan this week. I'm going to try on Friday. That gives me enough time to get all of our stuff together and its the only day that I really don't have anything to do here at work. I'll just hop downstairs and have a chat with the mortgage lady. Hopefully she'll give us the green flag. Our apartment is getting smaller and smaller everyday. I would love to have a bigger kitchen, two bathrooms so no one is doing the potty dance, separate bedrooms for obvious reasons, and a yard for the kids to play. We have none of that now. Zach is in the living room, Lilly is in our room, we have no yard, we have our stuff piled up everywhere cuz there's just no room to put any of it away and out of sight. I hate our kitchen, I have no space to do anything. I hate climbing those 30 stairs everyday with a baby in my arms. I hate the fact that Lilly doesn't have much room outside to play. I hate that I can't get her a swing set or a pool or have a place for her to ride her bike. We need out of there and we need out SOON!