Thursday, July 18, 2013

Feeling Better

My medication is certainly working. I feel happier, yes, but I also feel....lighter, like there's not this heavy weight inside of me pulling me down. I used to always feel like something was inside of me dragging me down, making me slower, heavier, darker, and I'd just feel worse about everything, but that weight is gone now. Hubby told me last night that I'm weird when I'm in a good mood. I guess weird is good now. At least I'm not brooding or crying or silent or sad. My anger outbursts have gone down too. I don't yell nearly as much as I did and so many things that used to bother me to no end just doesn't anymore. Its like I'm seeing everything with new eyes and a new heart. I can't believe I've waited so long to seek help. I've battled this alone for over 10 years and it was getting to the point where I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. Its wonderful.
And speaking of being lighter... I've finally hit the 20 pounds lost mark. So much hard work, all the pain, the hot nights running, the salads every day is paying off. I'm now down 20.6 pounds. That's almost 2 whole pounds in less than a week. I haven't even gotten to go running this week yet because its just been toooooo hot. Heat advisory= no run for me. I'm a wuss like that.  Even though I'm not out running, the weight is still coming off, so I know I'm doing something right. I now weigh 180.4 pounds. From 201 pounds on Valentine's Day to 180.4 pounds today! 5 months and 20 pounds later, I feel great. My clothes fit so much better.. or at least my shirts do. They're not tight anymore. My pants however, are too loose and I need to go shopping for more than just the one pair that I have.
So... hubby is close to getting a new job. Well.. a new position for the place that he works now, but it'll pay better and instead of working for an independent contractor, he'll actually be working for the plant working a reactor. A few more bucks on the hour too. I kind of hope he does get it, but part of me hopes he doesn't. He'll be working some nights and there will be days when we don't get to see him. I know a lot of families are like that, but I like that we're all on the same schedule. See... I'm even trying to be sad about not seeing him, but I don't feel that weight. I do feel sad, but without that weight in my heart, I don't feel like my sadness is genuine. I've just been living with it for long. I guess it really wasn't normal to feel that. Anyway... More money would be great and the work would be easier on him, but I hate that we'd go days without seeing him.
I've applied to work somewhere else too. I know someone that works there already and a girl I work with now is pulling some string for me to try to help me out. She knows someone that could probably help out too. I hope I get it. Closer to home. I may have already talked about this.
I think I'm going to go to the mall tomorrow for lunch. I need to get out of this building during the day. I've been here all week, taking my lunch at my desk because I didn't want to get out in the heat, but I'm going to go tomorrow. I get paid tomorrow and I'm going to scout out some sales for more clothes for Lilly for back to school and I'm probably going to buy Dark Places by Gillian Flynn too. Get Zach some more shorts too. I think we're down to 6 or something at home and if he has an accident, then I have to do laundry and I don't like doing laundry unless its laundry day. :-) We'll just see how much money I have left over after I pay day care and stuff.
I had a dream the other night where a plane crashed into the hotel a block from my work. I was in the mail room and felt this horrible shake like an earthquake and I remember feeling pain. I ran outside and then the plane exploded. I've also been dreaming a lot about bears. Big black bears. A lot of them.
Its about lunch time now. I brought left overs from last nights dinner. We ordered out. I ordered some pasta and stuffed bread and only ate half and brought the other half to work today. I'm proud of myself for that. If this was a couple months ago, I would have eaten all of it last night and went to bed with a stuffed tummy. I'm glad I have all of this under control now.

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