Friday, May 31, 2013


I know its been forever since I've updated either one of my blogs. I was having issues with my phone and its memory and had to delete a lot of my apps and unfortunately, the Blogger app was one to go. Everything is resolved. My phone was just having a really bad few days. I'm not going to go back and check the last time I did update, so I'm just going to wing this.
Hubby's birthday is tomorrow and I really have no idea what to do for him. I bought him a Bluetooth ear piece. Got him one last year for Father's Day and he lost it, so I got him another. Gonna get him a cheesecake too. He prefers cheesecake over regular cake. Other than that, I have no idea. I might suggest going out to eat, but that would probably be it. I'll let him sleep in a while... like he does every weekend anyway. He does have to work, but he has no set time on the weekends.
Zach can reach the peddles on his Big Wheel now. He couldn't back in January when we got it for him for his birthday. He peddles it too.... right into the road. He got a good time out and then we walked down to where he knows he is supposed to stop in the driveway and we drew a line with chalk. I then spent the next 10 minutes telling him that the line means to stop and turn around. Well, now...he stops at the line and expects me to go down there and push him back up the driveway.
Lilly's softball is almost over. We have 3 more games left. She has really been enjoying her time with this team. They'll have fall ball together and then most of the girls are moving up to girl pitch. Lilly will still be in coach pitch. I want to try to move her up so she can stay with her team and her coach. Its hard to find a good coach. I'm afraid we'll get stuck with the coach that yells at the girls. I will pull Lilly out if we end up with him. Softball is about fun, there's no need to get out there and yell at a group of 7 and 8 year olds and tell them they aren't doing good enough. What a way to blow their self esteem. I'm trying to get Lilly's father to want to coach, but it'll be hard because he lives so far away. I really don't know enough about the sport to do it or I would. I'm also hoping that one of the assistant coaches decides to coach next year. I think his daughter is the same age as Lilly. He's really good with the girls too and he has a job and understand that the rest of us do too and its hard on us to get to these 5:00 practices.
Weight loss was at a stand still for a while. I wasn't able to get out and run and I just got lazy. But I'm back on track and back at it. Went out running last night. 2 miles and my pace per mile went down a whole minute. I'm hoping to get to my 20  pound weight loss by the end of June. My goal for the year was to lose 25 pounds and I'm already at 16. I also signed up for another 5k. This one is in August so it'll be my first. The Color Run and The Color Vibe, both 5k's where you end up a colorful mess. I'm excited about them both and I hope to be able to sign up for more. I think there's one in July that I may do. I'm going to go for a good walk today for lunch. When my brother gets out of training for his new job, I'm going to make weekly walks to his workplace. He's right across the river, but its a decent walk. I'd say its about a mile to his work and then I'll have a mile to walk back to mine.  
Relay is just 15 days away! I have Lilly this of right now. It may change again. I wasn't supposed to have her, but we'll see.
My birthday is also coming up. I told hubby that I wanted a set of 5 pound weights and some resistant bands. Nice and cheap and I will use them. I have a set of 10 pound weights but its difficult to do aerobic exercises with them. I need something a little lighter. Told hubby that I'm going to find a doctor and get some anti depression meds for my birthday. I'm having second thoughts about that. I don't have a family doctor and I don't want to just walk into a new doctor office and go on and on about my depression. I have to trust the doctor before I do crap like that.
Summer camp for Lilly begins on Monday and I still have no idea if her bathing suit fits her or not. They are doing lots of things this year and I hope she has a lot of fun.
I can't really remember much that has happened that I can write about. Me and hubby went 4 wheeling Sunday with a few of his friends. Only lasted about 2 hours though and then we went out to eat. Still actively looking for another job as well as helping Tony find another one.
Oh yeah... Lilly had practice on Tuesday and it lasted 3 hours! Lilly was the last one to practice batting. Honestly, that's the one thing the girls don't need to practice. They need to work on their plays instead. Anyway.. it was hot and it was a long day and all the girls were tired. Lilly was missing a lot of balls and the coach's daughter started hounding her. Made me mad. I wanted to yell at her to shut up. It was just making Lilly mad and she missed more balls. 3 hours for practice is too long. Toward the end of practice, my ex neighbor/running buddy called me to tell me she fell down the stairs at the apartment. I've fallen down those stairs while pregnant and I know how it feels. After practice I took Lilly home, spent 5 minutes with Zach and headed to her house to take her to the doctor. Nothing was broken, but I didn't get home til about 10. Broke my heart that I didn't spend time with Zach or get to put him to bed. I was in tears. Also brought Lilly to work with me on Tuesday. Figured it would be some good me and her time since her father was getting her two weekends in a row and even a day early the second week. She watched movies on the portable DVD player I brought, listened to her MP4 player, played computer games and me and her went for a walk for lunch. She watched me work and kept asking me how I know what to do.
All stars for softball also starts in June but Lilly will not participate this year. They do either practices or games every day for 2 weeks straight and Lilly is having a week of summer vacation time with her father during that time and I doubted he would take her. I wasn't going to pay the $40 for her not to participate.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Time for Some Changes!

I had the weirdest dream last night. We were at war, here in the US. We were invaded. No one was fighting back. We were all lining up and listening to them. I have no idea who 'they' were, but we were like robots, just doing what we were told. I saw my mom sitting in the corner, she was getting sick. I decided I was going to fight back. I recruited a few people. I kissed my family and snuck out of the line. I somehow ended up with the leader from 'them' and I was trying to find a way to kill her. She was trusting me but black mailing me to help her. I finally got her from behind and broke her neck. I was trying to hide her body so her army wouldn't see her. They were pounding on the door. I went back to my mom and put her in a wheel chair and was pushing her. We all go on some buses. Everyone. There was a marching band on the bus I was on with all their instruments too. I told them to play bad music and the enemies retreated. Weird. I never saw a weapon in my dream. My little brothers were babies. I remember sitting on top of a telephone pole watching a bunch of kids play and my phone rang, but it was on top of another telephone pole and I jumped down and ran over to the other pole and my phone dropped off because it was vibrating. All weird.
Lilly has a game tonight, parade and game tomorrow, game Sunday and a game Monday. I kinda hope it rains on at least one of those days.
Things have been ok... nothing really to write about. OH, Lilly attempted to sneak to school wearing lipstick. I caught her and she tried to play it off like she wasn't wearing any. Then she says, "If I can't wear it, then why do I have it?" I told her its for playing dress up, not wearing to school. She got all mad. I then proceeded to check her backpack and pockets. She's 8 years old! I know she's trying to impress a boy, but the boy she's trying to impress already likes her. Oh, 8 years old and already into boys. What am I going to do?
I've tried to take up Geocaching. If you don't know what that is, its kind of like a hide and seek game with objects. People hide things, you go find it. I tried yesterday 3 different time and came up empty handed. I'm going to try for the same ones later. One might have been stolen according to the comments about that one. When  you are looking for these, or even hiding them, you have to try to do it without being seen because people might go steal the object. Sometimes its a box, sometimes its an old film tube, sometimes its just a small object with the logo on it. Some things you can log your name in. Some have objects that you can take if you leave another. I went at the wrong time of the day. It was lunch time and I didn't want to go digging through bushes and looking under benches and stuff and climbing lamp poles with a crowd of people watching me. I'm hoping to get CJ into it and she can do it with me. Its just something different to do and its kind of exciting.
I also want to take up hiking. Some of these caches are on hiking trails and hiking is great exercise.
I applied to a bookkeeping job and even a dietary aide job the day before yesterday. Then I get an email to fill out a second part application. I don't know for which position and I'm kind of afraid that I put down that I want to earn too much money. I can negotiate down another dollar, but I'd like to make what I put down. We'll see. I'm ready to start making changes in my life. I'm 26, almost 27 years old and I feel like I've been in a rut half of my life. I'm at a job I don't like with no hobbies. I go to work and tough it out then go home to my kids where I cook and clean and play and take care of them. I get to go running MAYBE twice a week for about an hour or less. I need to make some changes. I need some excitement. I really do want to go ziplining for my anniversary this year and I don't want hubby to chicken out on me this time. Next month will be my 5 year anniversary and I want to be able to do something different. Something other than a dinner and a movie. I want to go to a painting class, I want to go zip lining and I'd be ecstatic if he's go geocaching with me. My life is all about the kids and I love them to death and I would never do anything to jeopardize their happiness, but I'm ready for more. I'm taking risks now people! I'm applying to jobs I wouldn't have thought about working at a month ago. I'm doing things differently now. I'm making plans to hang out with my best friend. I'm treating myself. 
I'd like to be able to come on my blog and be able to write about more than just my kids. Yes they are my life, but I want to write about more. I want to do more. MORE. Here's to the girl who is trying to figure everything out....who is trying to make herself happy... who is wanting to try different things..... who is ready for some changes and who is making it all happen. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Mother's Day and running

Days are weird now. I keep forgetting about my blogs and I feel like time just slips away from me. Saturday, my washer broke so we had to buy a new one. Guess that's what I got for Mother's Day. Went to hubby's cousin's baby's first birthday party. Left there early to go to Lilly's ball game, which they won. Went home to install the washer. Caught hubby smoking. That upset me. Not really that he was doing it but that he was hiding it from me. Told him I didn't care if he wanted to, but not to hide it from me but don't do it in front of the kids. He swore it was the first one he's had since we quit, but I know better. You just don't want one after not smoking for 3 years. Which by the way, today does mark my 3 years of not smoking. Hubby's also been trying to 'catch' me smoking saying that he can smell it and he sees ashes in my car. Looks like it was him all this time because I haven't touched one and I don't let anyone smoke in my car. If he wants to get cancer, that's his problem, but don't go keeping secrets from me. Makes me wonder what else he's hiding...or trying to hide anyway. There's a lot that he thinks he's hiding, but I know about.
Sunday, we got a late start because hubby decided he was going to take a 40 minute shower in the morning. His "quick shower" turned into the entire morning. Went to one grandma's to give her the basket of flowers I got her. Stayed for about an hour or so and took off to my other grandma's house who was having a hot dog cookout and all my cousins were going to be there. I got to see most of my brothers and mom too. Gave mom and grandma their flowers. Mom's was droopy and not blooming anymore. I had the flowers since Thursday. It was a fundraiser we had done with Relay for Life and they were delivered on Thursday. I drove up to the office during my work time and picked up most of the flowers for the people in my building that had ordered them. Took me 3 trips with the cart to get them all inside from the parking garage.
I've lost a total of 16.2 pounds now! I'm going to try to go running today. I got to a little bit on Sunday. After visiting with my family we went home to get some stuff and then to go the in-laws, so I jogged from our house to theirs. Its only .59 miles. And then I jogged home when we left. The kids thought it was funny that they were leaving me there and I had to go home myself.
Lilly only has 8 days of school left. Amazing how quick this year is flying by.
Lilly had a game yesterday. Zach was actually well behaved. Sat in his chair most of the time and munched on Cheetos and the played with one of the little boys without fighting. Took them to McDonald's and ordered a 10 piece nugget and large fry for them to share and I hadn't even gotten to the window to pay yet and Zach says, "Where's my kitchen nuggets and flies?!" Cracked me and Lilly up. I ordered one of the new premium wraps with grilled chicken and I get a tiny tiny snack wrap instead. Oh, well... just wasn't meant to be.
I'm celebrating my not smoking today by treating myself to lunch at the Mexican place in the mall and then going for a walk. Its a little chilly out today and I didn't bring a jacket. Stupid me. Need a jacket in May? That's absurd, but our weather is weird lately. Hot then cold then hot then snowing then too hot then raining... I mean, it snowed in October and then I had Zach outside in shorts in January! Crazy stuff.
I know I still haven't posted any pics that I keep saying I'm going to. I'll get around to it eventually. I'm forgetful lately and a bit lazy. I have to add the pics from the app on my phone. Everytime I remember about them, I have an update on that app and I go to update it and then I forget.
Ok... its time to share my weight. I've been avoiding it because I hated it. I can't believe I let myself get to that weight. At my heaviest, I weighed more than I did when I was 9 month pregnant with Zach by 2 pounds. I was lazy. I was stupid. I thought I was watching what I was eating, but I wasn't. It may have been low calorie, but I was eating a lot of it. I wasn't exercising as much as I thought I was. I've been keeping track and my weight this morning is 184.8. I'm so happy with myself for actually losing weight and I have quite a way to go to get where I want, but I'm doing it. I feel great. I can run now! My pants are loose. I actually crave salads now. I know there's a lot more I could be doing and lose my weight faster, but I'm happy with my results. I'm not banning foods, so I'm not tempted to indulge when I shouldn't. I don't workout every single day, so I get my lazy days too. I enjoy my times with my kids instead of doing an aerobic video. I'm on track. I'm losing at the rate I'd like to be. I can say that I started at the start of the new year, but it didn't really kick in until Valentine's Day when I saw just how bad I was getting and when my weight topped its heaviest. So, 16.2 pounds in 13 weeks is pretty damn good. Actually way above what I was aiming for, but I think running has been helping a lot. I've noticed the weight just melting off since I've started running.
Speaking of running, I now have 5 people, including myself, on my team for the Color Vibe 5k in September! I'm getting very excited for this run. My very first 5k and more to come after that. There are a couple of runs before this one, but I really want this one to be my first one.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Just Have No Idea.......

I believe that I was meant for great things. To do something more than to be a mother. To help people. To do great and awesome things. I have no idea what my purpose is right now, but I do believe that I was meant to do more. I love being a mom and I pride myself in being a good one. I just believe there should be more. My life revolves around my children, but one day they won't want me to be by their side every minute of the day. When that day comes, I know I will feel empty, but they need to learn and grow on their own. I don't want to hold them back. When that day comes, I want to be prepared and I want to have something else I can hold on to and put my energy into. My five year plan to have a giant foster home ran like a day care is at a stand still. I'd still love to do it, but I found out that one like that already exists in my area. I had no idea. I thought about trying to work there, but I don't think that will work out. I actually know someone who works there and she is there all the time. She basically lives there. I can't do that. I need to have my time reserved for my children while I still can. Maybe after they move on and move out, I can get a job at a place like this, but not right now, not at this moment.
With that said, what else am I supposed to do. I feel like a part of me is just trying to jump out and get out in the world. Am I supposed to invent something? Am I supposed to build something? I don't know. I just keep having this feeling that there is more for me out there and that I'm meant to do a lot of good. I don't have any special talents or knowledge of anything. I didn't finish college and get a degree to go great things like be a doctor or teacher. I can't sew. I can't even keep flowers alive. I have nothing to educate people about. I have no experience in anything. So what am I supposed to be doing here? I wish I could just get some kind of push in the right direction. I'm at a dead end job with no hopes of moving on.
One day I would like to go back to college, but I have no idea for what. I was originally going to be a high school science teacher, but I'm not even sure that's what I want to do anymore. Maybe a counselor or a therapist? I have no many problems myself, how can I help other people with theirs?? I wish I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in. I'm almost 27 and I'm lost. There are so many other people younger than me that have everything together, who are successful, who are doing what they want to do...doing what they were destined to do. Why am I lost? There just has to be something more.
I just keep thinking about all the things I do for everyone else and I wonder what it is that I do for myself.  I work. I do work that I certainly do not enjoy. Then I'm home caring for my family- cooking, cleaning, bathing, homework, playing.... never ending laundry... sitting back while hubby does whatever he wants to do. He wants to hang out with his friends... that's fine. I'll stay home and be with the kids and eat grilled cheese sandwiches while you're out feasting on steaks and going four wheeling and drinking.
I want to do special things with my kids. I want to take them places and show them new and exciting things. My heart is breaking because I can't do any of these things. Everything costs money these days and my bank account is always in the negatives as it is. I can't take my kids to ride a train. I can't take them out to eat or out for ice cream. I can't even make an extra trip out just to go to the park because of gas prices. I can't go back to school because I have zero extra money. I can't even go see a doctor for my depression and there is a big possibility that I'm bi-polar, but I can't afford the co-pays or the medication or even a therapy session. I can't even see me getting another job. For one-  the only things I have experience in doing doesn't pay well and I certainly don't want to do this kind of job again. For two- I can't see any other place allowing me to be so flexible with my job. I can leave anytime I need to tend to my children. I'd still love to work closer to home, but the only thing that will pay me even close to what I'm making now is another bank.
Why does money have to rule my life?
I haven't been on a true vacation since my honeymoon. I was wanting to take the kids to Disneyworld in the next couple of years. I was wanting to be the one taking Lilly...but her father is taking her in August.
I know I complain a lot on here. I just wish I knew where my life was headed and if it was indeed in the right direction. I want to do something big. I feel I'm meant to do wonderful things... I just don't know what that is. I feel so lost and empty.... and broke.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Memories and stuff

Ok.. so lets get talking about my new year's resolutions... if I can remember them all. Losing weight, check! I've been doing fantastic. Its slow progress, but its progress. I weigh about what I did right after I had Zach. I can't believe I gained so much weight after he was born. My goal for the year was 25 pounds and I'm already down 15. Maybe I should up my goal. 
Cooking something new once a week, check! Maybe even more then once a week thanks to Pinterest. I swear, I've been cooking like crazy lately. Last night I made Chicken Cordon Bleu for the first time and it was amazing. I've made salmon, and I've never in my life made fish. I've done Cajun shrimp, Pesto shrimp, meatball lasagna, slow cooked teriyaki chicken, crab stuffed rolls... oh there's just been so many things. Hubby's really been enjoying all this new food, too. I'm liking it because I'm cooking more and eating out less... which is helping me with the weight.
Be more social... sort of check! I have maybe one more person that I would consider a close friend which is my ex neighbor. Before, we were just friends, but now I think I'd put her in my close circle. I even invited her out to dinner not too long ago and she is my running partner. I'm still working on making friends at work. I think I can consider 2 more people friends, but not friends that I would hang out with outside of work... yet.
I haven't been doing many crafty things with the kids. Lately its just been stuff like coloring with chalk in the driveway. So.. there's one thing I need to work on.
I haven't really been having me time unless you count the 45 minutes I take a couple times a week to go run. I need to work on this too. Taking my shower last night, I realized just how stressed out I am. I have to find something before I lose it completely.
My patience is a little better. I'd say 90% of the time I'm calm, cool, and collected when it comes to the kids and hubby. Deep down I'm stressing out and yelling my head off, but on the outside I have a smile. The other 10% seems to jump out when I'm PMSing and I'm working on that.
So, I think overall I'm doing pretty good.
This weekend was stressful and hectic as always. I swear my life would be boring without stress but I'll end up bald from pulling my hair out. Saturday, I cleaned as usual. I gave Zach a pop tart, or p-tart as he calls it, and I turned Mickey Mouse on tv while he ate and I loaded the dishwasher. When I was done, I turned around and the front door was open! I went to the door and couldn't see Zach. I yelled his name...nothing. I went back to the couch and he wasn't there. I went to the back door and didn't see him. I called his name..nothing. I started walking through the yard and there he was coming down the hill from behind our out building. I didn't want to make it a big deal because he would have just thought it was funny and do it again. I said, "Zachary! You can't be outside without mommy and you don't even have shoes on." Then he says, "OW, my piggies hurt!" I told him to get inside and I sent hubby a text that we need locks on the doors up high where he can't reach them. Hubby thought Zach getting out was funny. I was surprised that he didn't run down the driveway since its his favorite place to play. My heart was jumping out of my mouth. You know.. I see this kind of thing on the news a lot, about a toddler getting out an roaming the neighborhood and I know everyone is thinking that the parents were passed out on drugs. But you know.. you can't keep your eye on the child ALL the time. I try, I really do, because I know he is adventurous and getting in trouble is funny to him sometimes. I didn't even hear him open the door and I really thought Mickey would keep him entertained for more than 5 minutes so I could load the dishwasher. Scared me half to death, I swear.
Then Sunday... oh Sunday.... Lilly had ball pictures at 2:45. I told her father that she needed to be there early to change into her uniform. I text him at 2:40 and he is about another 20 minutes away. Then I get a text from his wife asking if I have a hairbrush because Lilly didn't brush her hair. No, I do not have one. I kind of expect you guys to make sure that her hair is brushed BEFORE you go out the door. She said that they had a baby comb and she will do what she can. 3:05 they finally get there. The photographer is waiting on Lilly. Everyone already had their pictures taken. They come walking up so slow, I grab her uniform, tell her to run to the bathroom to change. Her hair is up in french braided pig tails. She starts changing... no cleats. I go ask her father where her cleats are and he says... and I'm quoting this conversation.
"I though you would have them because you said you had to wash her uniform and bring it."
"You took her home after practice on Friday... you have her cleats."
"I thought those were her practice cleats."
"No... those are her only cleats!"
So then I go to the photographer and tell him to make sure he cuts her feet off in the picture. Not a problem. I go back to the bathroom to check on Lilly's progress and she's crying. She can't get her hat on because of the braids in her hair. I get it on as best as I can and send her out. Her face is all red during her individual picture. When they do the group picture, the photographer puts Lilly and a couple of girls on their knees with their feet behind them so Lilly's shoes aren't showing.
Now.. no cleats, I can handle, that wasn't a big deal. But not brushing her hair and being 20 minutes late!
Anywho... hubby did finally treat me to a dinner out. We went to Friday's and I had the Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta. It was good and Zach was well behaved. Hubby got onto us for being too loud though even though Zach was just playing and laughing. I told him that he's not crying or fussing and its ok. Nobody minds a happy kid.
Went out for a run on Saturday. I didn't make it far and my legs started hurting bad. I ran/walked all the way to Lilly's school, attempted to run again and I was just in so much pain, I walked back. Walking is still better than sitting and watching tv!
I've had a few weird memories pop into my head lately so I'm going to share them on here.
-Attending my first ball game. I was maybe in the first grade and it was with my school to go see our local baseball team play. My grandma had bought me a blue had to wear to keep the sun off my face. It started raining and the blue faded off the had and onto my face.
-The first time I was teased. I was in the third grade. I had somehow managed to put both my shirt and pants on backwards. They were the elastic waist band pants. They were black. I had turned my shirt around, but didn't know my pants were backwards. No one else would have noticed either, but there was a heart shape patch that was supposed to be on my right thigh. It was now on the back of my left leg. Halfway through the day a fourth grader picked on me for my pants being backwards. It made me cry. I went to the bathroom and changed, but I still hated her all through high school.
-Second grade we were having a jump rope contest. It was down to me and Scott. We were the only ones still jumping. I could feel my shorts beginning to slip off my hips, so I had to stop jumping and lost.
-The first time I watched porn... it was just a clip and I was totally not supposed to be there. I was 7 or 8 and I had followed my older brother to the neighbors house. There was a boy that lived there a little older than my brother. His parents weren't home. He decides to turn on his tv and show my brother what he was watching and I was standing there. 5 seconds of watching this, my brother pushes me outside.
-The first time I took a sip of beer. I was 6. I used to go over to my neighbors house and watch her baby sleep while she went to her garden to pick the veggies. (not the same neighbors that watched the porn. I moved a lot as a kid) I was over at her house just hanging out and she gave me a sip of her beer.
-When I was about 7, I used to start my day by putting my face up against my door, putting my hands around my mouth and whispering every cuss  word.
- When I was 6, me and my brother sat on the back porch swing and tried to see how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
- The first time I babysat my little brother, I was 8. It was the weekend. My step dad went to work and mom had just got a job, so she went to work. The babysitter never showed up. Mom quit her job 2 days later. She worked there an entire 3 days.
- My first sleepover. I was 9. I was the new girl in this school and was only friends with the girl who invited me. All the girls were already shaving their legs. I wasn't, so I wore long pants and knee high socks all night long.
- I didn't get my own radio until I was 11 years old. The first CD I bought was the boy band 5ive.
- The first time I ate shrimp and drank coffee, I was 9 or 10. We had went to Mississippi to visit my first step dad's dad. My step dad's step mom made shrimp gumbo. I thought the shrimp was weird but ate it anyway. The next morning, I thought I was grabbed my cup full of soda, but I grabbed someone's coffee and took a big gulp. Grossed me out.
-Kindergarten graduation, we sang I've Been Working On the Railroad and I played the triangle.
-Second grade, we sang a song in Spanish for the school. I still remember the Spanish words I sang, but I had just looked up the song and I had the words soooo wrong.
Ok... that's enough for now. No ball game until Wednesday and then Thursday is Mother's Day tea with Zach.