Friday, January 20, 2012


I may have added my days wrong last time I was talking about Zach's birthday. I know I've had my days all messed up with the holidays and short work weeks.
Tomorrow is little man's birthday. A year ago today, I went into labor. I was having contractions all day. The times between them varied. 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 3 minutes, 12 minutes, 30 minutes, 4 minutes.. I kept the post-it note where I was keeping track and put it in his baby book. I made it through my work day and went home. Lilly was at her father's. It was a Thursday. It was snowing. Late that night I drove out in the snow and the slick roads to get Subway. I called my mom on my way. She told me I'd better go ahead and go to the hospital before the weather gets worse. I was more interested in getting and eating my sandwich. On my way back home, the snow picked up and my contractions worstened.
After I made it home, I got down half of my footlong sub and told hubby that I think its time to go. It was 11:00 at night. He went downstairs and cleaned the snow off my car and warmed it up while I ate the other half of my sandwich. I waited. I was getting nervous. My heart started to beat hard and fast within my chest. I didn't want to go. I wasn't ready. Hubby gave me a small encouraging speech and I slowly made my way to the car, being careful not to fall down the stairs again.
On our way to the hospital, we slipped and slid all over the road. It was horrible. It was making me more nervous and my contractions got more painful. I sent out a mass text to everyone I knew telling them I was going to the hospital, but for them to not come in this weather. They can come to the hospital the next day, I would still be there. Of course hubby's parents didn't listen and they were there. I called my boss and told her I am officially calling off for the next 6 weeks. I called mom and told her I was almost at the hospital and that I'd see her later, for her not to come, the roads were too bad. I called my grandma and told her to come the next day. About this time it was almost midnight.
The hospital sent me to Triage where they hooked me up to monitors to check the intensity of my contractions and to keep track of my pulse and baby's heartbeat. After an hour they told me that if the weather wasn't so bad, they'd send me home. I walked the hallway, looked at the babies in the nursery, watched the snow fall outside. I stayed in Triage until about 5:00 in the morning. I still hadn't had any sleep. They moved me to a delivery room. Hubby stayed in there with me and took a nap on the couch. Hubby's mom and sister took turns being with me. They started pumping full of stuff that makes the next few hours really fuzzy. I remember telling hubby, in code, what name I was ok with. I didn't want to say it outloud becuase his sister was in there and we didn't want anyone to know. I remember fighting with Lilly's father and his mother to get Lilly here. Lilly got to come see me after the doctor put in my epidural and shortly after she came in, the doctor said it was time to push. It was 3:00 in the afternoon, and I still didn't get any sleep.
I pushed and pushed. Nothing. Hubby's head was almost between his knees. I pushed some more. Interns surrounded me, watching me fail. Hubby finally raised his head and stroked my hair away from my face. My epidural was turned off. Pain was beginning to surge through me. The baby wasn't moving. An hour of pushing and getting nowhere, it was time to move me into surgery. I cried. I cried so hard I almost hyperventilated. I felt like I failed. I sent out a quick text to everyone in the waiting room and my best friend that was miles and hours away.
They wheeled me into the OR, tears still streaming down my face. They took off my gown, put me on a table, put up a drape between my face and my tummy. Hubby came in with scrubs on and sat on a stool beside my head. They pumped me with more pain killers and gave me a few shots. After 5 minutes passed they cut. I could feel them tugging at my skin. Then..... I felt so much pain I screamed. The drugs failed me. They quickly gave me another shot, but I was already short of breath and scared. They gave me an air mask. I started to feel dizzy and I closed my eyes, fully aware of the tugging and pulling. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I barely remember hearing Zach's first cry before I drifted off to sleep. Hubby tried to wake me to see the baby, but all I saw was fuzziness. I was sad because I couldn't see my baby, but I was so tired I just couldn't keep my eyes open. 4:15. He was born at 4:15.
When I woke up, both hubby and Zach were gone and the doctors were almost done closing me up. They transfered me to a rolling bed, somehow got a gown on me, and drapped blankets on me. I was wheeled to the recovery room. I laid there wondering where my baby was, wondering where my husband was. I was shivering uncontrolably. I was worried and felt so alone. A few nurses came and went. Finally after about 45 mintues, hubby comes in with Lilly and a nurse rolling Zach in. I got to see Lilly hold Zach for the first time. I cried. I was still shivering. I couldn't hold my baby yet. I was shaking too bad. The nurse brought me more blankets, but they didn't help. Hubby held Zach for a little bit. He said that he had to basically steal him from the nursery. Lilly was getting ready to leave. She looked so scared and worried watching me shake. I told her I was just cold, even though I wasn't at all. I gave her a big hug and told her I'd see her in a couple of days at home and Zach would be there too. She was so proud that we chose the name she picked out. They all left and I was alone again.
A little while later another nurse, one I hadn't seen before, came in and wheeled me into another room where I would stay for the remainder of my stay. I waited. Finally, hubby's mom and dad came back to see me. Visitors came and went. Zach finally came in after all his checkups. I got to hold him, it was so late, already dark outside. Hubby's parents, sister, neice, my step dad and oldest brother were the only ones to make it that day.
The next day was painful. I couldn't sit up. I still wasn't allowed to walk. I sat in bed. I talked to people as they came and went. Hubby got to stay in the room with me in a bed. I was really glad he got to stay. Mom came this day with 2 of my little brothers, my grandparents came, my step mom and my other little brother came, hubby's family came and went.
I had to learn to walk today and be able to go to the bathroom myself. It took me half an hour to go 5 feet. I felt dizzy, my legs wouldn't hardly move and I was still in so much pain. We got pictures done of Zach this day. I was so dizzy from my pain meds, I couldn't even watch. I hated that I missed out on his first photo shoot. I wanted to cry, but there was too many people in there. Hubby's grandpa was there for the pictures. We even got one of hubby, his grandpa and Zach.
The next day we got to leave. I sat in the backseat of the car to watch my baby. The next few days were all about me moving slow and learing how to handle a small baby again. Every time I saw hubby hold Zach, tears came to my eyes.
I couldn't even look at my incision until about a week after my staples were removed. Every now and then it still hurts.
 I can't believe that its been a year since I drove out in the snow to get me a sandwhich from Subway.......

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

My New Year's Resolutions

I think the closer we get to Zach's birthday, the sadder I get. I don't want him to grow up. I don't want either of my kids to grow up. Hell... I don't even want to grow up. I wish I could just freeze in time and stay there forever. Ok... maybe after we get a house I'll freeze time.
I couldn't find anything about my last year's resolutions on here... doesn't mean they aren't on here, I just didn't find them. Gold star for anyone who does!
So mine for this year are.....
1) Be more patient
3) Save up some money
4) Make new friends
5) Work harder at work

All very good things that I need to do. I've been losing my patience a lot lately. Hubby says its due to lack of sleep, but I think its something more. Maybe I should make one of my goals this year to go see a doctor. I've been very depressed lately and my little spurts of anger are bothering me.
Losing the weight is going to probably be the hardest for me. I always make this a goal, and it never happens. I am serious about it this time. And I mean it. No slacking off. I hate the weight that I'm at. I hate my size. 20 pounds is just a start... to get me motivated.
Saving money. Oh, I would love to be able to save money just for Christmas so I'm not scrapping up money at the last minute. I'm going to aim to save $1,500 before Thanksgiving. We'll see how that goes. I know its going to be very difficult, unless I get a very generous raise next month. That's when my raise is supposed to be coming. Next month. We'll see about that.
Making new friends is another hard one for me. I don't do that easily. My best friend just moved to New York and even though she's been far away for a few years now, it just hit me that I need more friends. She's basically all I have. I love her to death and I'm in no way going to even try to replace her, I just need another gal pal to hang out with while she's gone. One of my 30 things to do before I turn 30 is to have 2 more people I consider close friends. I shall start now. Be more open. Be more friendly. Be more social. That's my biggest problem. I am just not a social person. It seems as time goes on I become less and less social. I did have someone I started considering a close friend recently. She's a courier that comes to my work to pick up a bag full of work. We've gotten to the point where we stand and talk for a good 45 minutes everyday now. I complain to her and talk to her like I would my best friend. I trust her, which is a big thing for me. But... her last day is Thursday and she lives waaaaaay to far away to even try to hang out. I told her we'll text and I'll keep sending her pictures of my kids. Its weird. It seems that I can only make friends with people older than me. This lady is just 5 years younger than my mom.
My work... oh there's so much to say there, but all I'm going to say is that I need to light a fire under my ass and get working faster. I have more responsibility and more work to do. No more slacking. Being exhausted means nothing. I must keep moving.
So... those are my goals. Stay tuned to see if they actually happen. Stay tuned... lol....

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

4 days

I didn't really do too much this weekend. I just went shopping for more stuff to decorate for Zach's birthday party. Hubby had to work all weekend, so it was just mainly me and Zach hanging out. 4 more days until my baby man is 1. The more I think about it, I think the sadder I get. I'm only 25. He's probably my last child, and he's already turning 1. If it were up to me, we'd have at least one more. But... hubby is content with the amount we have now. Maybe I can get him to change his mind once we get a house.
A house. I should have asked Santa for a house. There's still nothing out there that we want. Nothing new anyway. The houses we can afford are not worth a second look and the ones that I want are just out of our price range. That's how it works though, isn't it? I'm just so sick of the tiny apartment. I can't move. I can't breathe. I can't do anything.
I started reading The Help yesterday. Good book so far. I'm only in the second chapter and it has caught my attention. Its written very uniquely. I was wanting to read the book before I saw the movie. Hubby's sister said the movie was great. She said it wasn't the kind of movie she would usually watch, but she liked it. I don't have a 'usual' kind of movie. I like just about anything. Just like my books, if it can keep my attention, then its pretty good. I have honestly only saw a handful of movies that I don't like. Now... those movies that try to hard to be funny or spoof movies or anything like that, I don't like. I even tried reading a spoof book. I got a few pages in and put it down. Its just not my cup of tea. Now, don't get me wrong... I love comedy movies...I just don't like it when its forced or just right down ridiculous.
I noticed I haven't made any New Year's resolutions yet.... maybe I should. I'll try to post those tomorrow. I'll even take a look back to see what mine were for last year and see if I accomplished any of them. I doubt it, but its worth looking at, right? I don't even know if I posted them on here or not. Hmmm....

Friday, January 13, 2012


Yesterday I got to go to court to watch very bad man be found guilty. His sentencing isn't for a few more weeks though, but its a big weight lifted off so many people's shoulders. I want to thank the jury for taking extra time to look through all the charges against him, for asking questions to clarify, and for helping put him in jail for the rest of his life. He can no longer hurt another.
The trial was at 9:30 and lasted until 11:00. It took the jury until 5:10 to have a verdict. I also want to thank the victim's advocate for helping out so much. She did such a wonderful job keeping everyone informed on what was going on and keeping everyone comfortable. It was a very emotional day for everyone.
We sat and waited. We played games. We heard stories of the day the 'defendant' was apprehended. We laughed together, we cried together.
The 'defendant' didn't even want to be present when the verdict was read. He stayed in his holding cell. He didn't want to be in there to face everyone. After being on the run for so many years........... justice is finally served.
On our way home, I rode with my bff and her mom, the windshield wipers quit working... and it was raining pretty hard. It was like the one on the drivers side slipped off the windshield, over-extended itself kind of, and after that, it just wouldn't work. We kept pulling over and fixing it to work for only one or two more swipes. We finally got to a better spot to pull over than on the shoulder of the interstate and we sat and waited for my bff's uncle and aunt to come back to help. Apparently it was an easy fix. It was scary and funny at the same time.
I hope my bff reads this without me asking her to.... I am so glad I was there with you guys yesterday. All of you are my family, your pain is my pain too. I was glad I was there to hear the verdict and sit by your side as guilty was read over and over again. I am glad that it is all over now. I love all of you.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Title.... um... no

Yesterday I got a call from day care saying that Zach's eye was red, oozing and crusty. So I leave work super early, I get there and his eye is barely pink. By the time I get home its fine. I think he just scratched it or got something in it, but the teacher had to overreact and couldn't wait an hour to see if it was pink eye or not. I understand that there are concerns of not infecting the other children, but there was nothing wrong. I think she was exaggerating a bit too. So me and Zach napped until hubby and Lilly came home.
Monday night, Lilly was playing Just Dance on the Wii and Zach got involved. He was in front of Lilly doing the dance moves with the TV. It was so cute. I got him on video doing it. I laughed through the whole thing. Every once in a while, he would turn to me and Lilly and give us evil looks for laughing at him, then he'd turn back around and continue dancing.
My aunt's bar caught on fire today. I don't know how bad it is yet.
I'm taking tomorrow off work to go to watch someone in court. I don't want to get into the details.
Things are ok. I'm still exhausted. I finished the Hunger Games books, all three of them, in a week and I can't wait to see the movie in March for the first book. Makes me kind of wish I bought the books instead of just putting them on my Kindle so I can lend them out to people.
Work day is over. Be back on Friday

Monday, January 9, 2012

I'm awake! But I want to be sleeping....

We've decided to do Zach's birthday in construction. That's right. Actually... Zach picked it out. We went to a party store and we were just walking up and down the isles looking to see what all they had before we made a decision, and Zach pointed at the construction and reached out for it. I know he likes trucks, but I figured he'd like something with more color. Guess I was wrong. We stocked up on a bunch of stuff like napkins, plates, cups, banner, table cloth and a game. We got the rest of the stuff (invitations, hanging decorations, high chair decoration set) in the number one. I even found him an outfit yesterday that is perfect!
Friday I got to hang out with my bff finally. We went to Five Guys Burger and Fries. It was the first time I ever went there. It was awesome! The fries were a little much but the food tasted great. After that we just went shopping until I dropped her off at her cousins house where I got to see a baby. Such a little baby. Anyway.. while we were out shopping, she helped me pick out such a perfect outfit for Lilly for her birthday.
Oh... I realized that I got the number of days wrong on my last post about how far away Zach's birthday is. I said 2 weeks and a day when, in fact, it was 2 weeks and 2 days. I thought it was Friday when it was Thursday. Well.. now its 12 days away.
Sleeping is a little better, but its not back to normal. I can stay asleep, but its hard to get to sleep and I still wake up early. And of course, I'm still getting up with Zach. He's getting better. Only twice a night now. I don't understand why I can't sleep. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Has anyone else had this problem? Its not stress.. there's nothing different to stress about, just the usual stuff. I don't know. I might be having a personal day soon, so I can use that day to nap on and off, see if that helps any. See if I can actually nap.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


I'm sorry that I've been "out" for a bit. I didn't write anything yesterday because, honestly...there's really nothing to say. Nothing even pops in my mind. No topics really.
I've been reading the Hunger Games books and I can't stop. They really are great books. I'm halfway through the second one Catching Fire.
Zach's birthday is in just 2 weeks and a day. We have the fire station community building reserved for the day already. We don't have a theme yet, but I don't want to do something like a cartoon or whatever. Just colors or even just the number 1 could be the theme. We're going to a party store this weekend to look around. I can't believe it. He's almost 1. It makes me kind of sad.
I've been exhausted these past few days and my brain won't function. I don't hardly sleep anymore. Its not because of Zach, much. I just can't. I find myself lying awake for hours befor I drift off. When I get up with Zach, it takes me an hour or better to be able to go back to sleep. Sometimes I even wake by myself and am unable to drift off again for the longest time. Its made me grouchy and almost intolerable, I think. I don't know what my problem is. I'm tired. I really am. I just can't sleep.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Vacation's Over

Way too much happened during my time off to even begin to talk about it. Kids loved their toys. Zach loves finally having something of his own to sit and play with. Lilly even sits and plays with his stuff. Lilly got just about everything she asked for. Hubby loves his PS3, like I knew he would. He got 5 games at Christmas from me and he went and bought 4 more New Year's Eve. Hubby got me a Kindle, which I absolutely love. I bought the Hunger Games Trilogy and I cannot stop reading it! My mom and her boyfriend got me a Wizard of Oz purse, which I love also. I didn't get any pictures of the kids during Christmas on my phone to share on here, but I did get some of them playing with their toys. You can go  here   to see them.
I broke out my Calender of Awesome today and put it on my desk. I don't want to tear the days off, so I just fold it under. I wonder how long that will last before it starts to topple over? I also went and got myself a Wizard of Oz wall calender. Things are good.
My vacation was great, but I'm oddly happy to be back at work. Being cramped in that tiny apartment for so long with the kids was killing me. Every time I turned around I stepped on a kid. It was nerve racking. My brothers loved their shirts! They were rolling on the floor laughing when they saw them, just like I knew they would. My grandma nearly cried over her ornament that simply said "Special Grandma" on a little red bulb with a santa hat on top. Mom loved her magnet I got her with the gnome on it flipping you off. It said MOM all over it when I saw it and I couldn't NOT get it. I think I did an excellent job this year gifting for everyone. My bff got me a 4 movie DVD and the books to match. Very clever and I love it so much. Nicholas Sparks books and the movies from them... how did she know?
Zach did ok unwrapping. He got bored quickly at other people's houses. He was more interested in the paper and the boxes than anything else. At our house, Hubby or I would help him unwrap one and let him play with it for a minute, then I'd hide it so he would open another. He got almost done before he wanted to quit. Lilly was nice and patient through the entire morning.
I understand I'm jumping around a lot. I'm just so tired and I have a headache. I've spent the entire day trying to catch up my work from where I was gone.