Thursday, May 27, 2010

Run For The Wall

I really wish I would have brought my camera to work today. A motorcycle group composed of veterans and their friends and family are on their way to DC. Well...this is what my news paper says....

"This year's Run For The Wall began on May 19 in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif., and culminates with Rolling Thunder's 'Ride For Freedom' in Washington, D.C. on Sunday. Bikers will lay a wreath on Saturday at the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington National Cemetery."

I think this would have been an excellent photo opportunity. They are stopping at my state capitol today and I'm just like 10 blocks away right now. They should be getting here any minute. I will definitely have to remember this for next year. Really, really, really wish I would have brought my camera.

Week 6

Super tired. I really should have called off today. I can't function. My brain doesn't seem to be turned on, I feel like a zombie or something. I guess I need to go to bed earlier until this extreme tiredness passes. I usually get between 5 and 7 on the weekdays and between 8 and 9 on the weekends. I need to start getting at least a solid least for the next few days....or weeks.... or just the rest of my life.

I must give credit to the site that I get this info off of.....! I don't know why the last two symbols aren't highlighted as a part of the website. It should be. Oh,'s what's going on this week with me and the growth of my baby....

Your Pregnancy: Week 6While you won't be able to find out the gender of your baby for several more weeks, the version you'll give birth to is being determined right now. Of course, your mother-in-law already knows it'll be a boy. And your sister is sure that it's a girl. And the medical expert that is your 5-year-old nephew says it's absolutely a boy (and if it's a girl, he doesn't want anything to do with it). Isn't it wonderful how clairvoyant people are? Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...

What You're Thinking: "If I put my head in my hands and stare down at my desk, it'll look like I'm working really hard and nobody will know I'm actually sleeping."

Your Body: You may be feeling super-tired or nauseous (or super-tired and nauseous—lucky you!) and your boobs are most likely killing you. This is due to the myriad of hormones raging through your body at levels rivaling a teenage boy's. If you can't stay awake for the second half of Grey's Anatomy, blame it on the baby. Extreme exhaustion is often one of the first signs of pregnancy, and while your body will probably regain some of its strength by the time you enter your second trimester, you might find yourself nodding off during Dr. McDreamy's love scenes ... or worse, yours!Constant exhaustion can really wear you down, so make sure to rest up. That means skipping Letterman. If you're feeling like you're living in a pregnancy-induced fog, try natural remedies for fatigue.Even though it's the last thing you want to hear right now, moderate exercise is a great way to help tackle exhaustion. Try short walks, gentle stretching or a prenatal yoga class to help boost your energy.

Your Baby: This week starts a period of rapid cellular development for your baby-to-be, who looks like a mini tadpole, with a tiny head and tail. His or her eyes, ears and mouth have begun to form (though they're a little more Discovery Channel "creatures of the sea" documentary than Gerber Baby at this point).Other exciting milestones include:Your baby's heart is now beating to a regular beat, although it's still too faint to hear.His or her arm buds are just beginning to, well, bud. They look like teensy swollen bumps at this point. In a few days, they'll resemble itsy-bitsy flippers.Your baby has grown to ⅛ inch long—about the size of one of the chocolate sprinkles on your last cupcake (and your last ice cream cone, and your last sundae and your last giant cookie ... maybe there is something to those rumors about pregnancy cravings!). more thing.....they caught the lady that hit my co-worker and took off. They arrested her and a passanger.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


My stomach hurts like I've done 500 sit-ups. Its been like this for a few days now. It hurts exactly where my stomach would hurt if I did do 500 sit-ups. I really need to go to the doctor. I left work early because I was having horrible pains, but not in the part of my stomach that hurts like I've been doing sit-ups. No, this was my lower stomach. Maybe kind of like cramps or something, but they were horrible. I couldn't stand up straight. I also think I had my first bit of morning sickness yesterday~ even though it was in the afternoon. I just got a little nauseous and hot. Although I think that I may have just gotten sick due to the pain. I didn't get sick at all with Lilly.

I feel like a camel. I have been drinking fluids like crazy. Water, milk, decaf coffee, lemonade, tea, it doesn't matter. I always have to have a cup in my hand.

I noticed just how much weight I have gained since I've been with hubby last night. I don't know what took me so long to notice. I knew my weight number was going up and my clothes were bigger sizes, but somehow it just didn't register. I was skinny in high school. After I had Lilly, I was 10 pounds away from my pre-baby weight and working hard on it. Then I met hubby. I have gained like 30 pounds since I have been with him!! 15 of it was between the time he purposed and the when we got married. I've been trying to lose weight and was doing an ok job at it, but I wasn't really trying that hard...but now that I have realized just what I do look like...that's all going to change. After this baby is born, I'm going to work so hard on at least getting back to the weight I was when I first met him. It appears no one else has really noticed either. I asked my bff how she couldn't tell me that I looked like this and she said she didn't notice. I guess I carry weight well, I don't know.

Today, I'm so sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm a little dizzy and somewhat nauseous. I could fall over right now and go to sleep. I really am in desperate need of a good night's sleep. I went to bed a half an hour early, but I kept waking up. It doesn't help that hubby is in the family room until 3 in the morning watching tv. I think if he came to bed with me I would be able to sleep better. It would be nice to cuddle with him every now and then. That's what he's there for, right? LOL...I don't know of another couple that doesn't go to bed at the same time. Unless they are the type of couple that has separate beds and bedrooms. Tea, maybe tea will help me sleep.

I come in to work today to some really bad news. One of the guys I work with was riding his motorcycle home yesterday when he was hit head on by a van. The van took off, but left the bumper. The only reason the bumper stayed was because his left foot was stuck in it. He had to have that foot amputated. He is in good spirits, for now anyway until the drugs wear off. He has called work several times checking up on his work and his customers. Everyone's making plans to go see him and wish him well. I made sure I told some people I know that ride motorcycles. It doesn't matter how good you are, its the other stupid people on the road that don't take the time to look for motorcycles. Me, whenever I see a motorcycle I try to keep my eye on it. If possible I try to get behind it and stay there...a safe distance of course. This way I know that no one else is going to run up on them or something. I feel like I am keeping them safe.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You want a salad with that?

I have been trying to eat healthier and drink more milk. I hate the taste of milk, but I need to drink it. I'm eating more vegetables. I need to try to throw more fruit in there. I'm only eating wheat bread. I'm even more active now. I make sure I climb the stairs here at work twice a day... 14 floors. So, I guess technically its 28 since I'm doing it twice a day, right? =)

Yes, I am taking better care of myself with this pregnancy than I did with my first one. For one, I am older and wiser now. For two, I have other people that are looking out for me this time, too. I'm not 18 and running myself thin. I'm not living alone. I'm not smoking. Don't get me wrong, I was an excellent mother and still am to Lilly, I just didn't take very good care of myself during pregnancy. I worked hard, went to bed late and got up early, I ate junk, I smoked, I had the stresses of school...but now its a bit easier. I know what I'm doing and I know what to expect.

I do still kinda feel like I'm doing this by myself. I know, its only been like 6 weeks and I've only known for 3, but it seems that hubby just isn't interested anymore. When we found out he was so excited and I was freaking out. Now, I'm excited and still freaking out and he's just sorta chilling. He doesn't talk about it anymore. He rolls his eyes when I talk about getting fat in a couple of months, but that's it. Makes me kind of wonder. He did look at a few baby things with me over the weekend. Lilly talks about it almost everyday. Then again, I'm sure that's one of the things that are just going to stay on her mind. She is excited about being a big sister. She is almost exactly a year younger than her half sister.

I don't sleep well now. I am so tired during the day, but when it comes time to go to bed...I can't. I'm still tired, but I just can't go to sleep. When I do finally go to sleep, I don't stay asleep. I got up 5 times last night and not once to go pee. My boobs were hurting so bad last night, too. Every time I rolled over, sat up, or even laid back down, I was in pain. I don't remember this pain from last time. I hate it. It even hurts when I take my bra off after I get home from work. I hope there is nothing wrong and this is normal.

I think I need to go clothes shopping sooner rather than later. I'm not showing yet or anything, but my clothes are a bit snug. Like I'm horribly bloated or something. LOL... Buying clothes is going to be a kind of a problem. With low money and clothes being an arm and a leg these days, I'm going to just have to buy like an outfit every payday or something. I want to start early, guess what size I'm going to be and buy it before I actually need it. That way I have clothes when I need them and I don't have to worry. I do have this fear that I will wake up one day to get ready to go to work and not fit into any of my clothes. Wouldn't that be a great excuse to call off work. "Um...hi. Its me. I can't come in to work today because I have outgrown all of my clothes." Not funny. So stop laughing.

I stopped at Dairy Queen a today for lunch to get a salad....I'm a little more than halfway done...and I'm full. I just think its odd to get full on a salad that quick.

I told my bff that I'm making her find me a hobby. She has until Saturday. I really want a hobby or at least discover something I am good at. I use to paint. I use to write. I don't do any of that now. I was really good at both. Now all I can think about is sleeping. That's my favorite past time these days and I hate it. I feel lazy....I AM lazy. I need to get out there and do something, BE something. I want to find my talent, my hidden abilities. I want to know what I like. I just don't know anymore. I don't do anything. I don't write. I started a book back in high school and it has big potential, but I can't bring myself to finish it. I don't paint. I painted so many pictures back in high school. Mostly abstract, but they were...well...awesome. I also use to write poetry. I have ten of those journal books with my poetry on every page. I have well over 1,000 poems and I think like 100 short stories. My English and Creative Writing teachers in high school and college loved my writing and told me often. I always had an "A" in all of those classes. I don't have passion for anything anymore. I read, but only when I'm bored..which isn't often these days cuz when I'm bored....I sleep. I think if I had a hobby or something to do other than stay at home and do nothing, things would be better between me and hubby. I wouldn't be sitting around wondering when he's coming home or getting mad when he rolls in at midnight. I know he has his own things to do, but when I'm home alone and bored out of my just sucks. I need to find something to occupy my free time. There are a lot of things that I want to do, like learn to sew really well, relearn French, but none of that really appeals to me as something exciting. Hubby has the fire station. When he's bored, he goes over there an hangs out. Cleans, does reports, whatever. I need something like that to do. Something to get me out of the house and my mind off of things. I need to find something. Maybe volunteer somewhere like a hospital or kennel or something. Just maybe one or two days a week. I had thought about a second job, but the more I thought about that, the more it was a bad idea. I don't want somewhere I HAVE to be. I don't want something to take time away from Lilly. I just want something to do when Lilly is with her father and hubby is busy...which is like one or two days a week. Even if its a hobby I can do with Lilly that would be great. Get us both out of the house and a chance to get even closer.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Tears are fallin'

I'm crying a lot now. Everything seems to set me off. I can't even watch tv without finding something to cry about. I can't watch game show cuz I cry when someone wins. Its kinda frustrating. Last night I cried so much I almost hyperventilated, but that wasn't due to tv. My eyes still hurt and I still kinda feel like crying. I wanted to just take today off, but since I'm leaving early on Thursday and taking Friday off, I better show up today.

Looking forward to my four day weekend. I have no idea what I'm gonna do on Friday....sleep in, but I don't know what to do after I wake up. Saturday I'm hanging out with my bff before she moves 5 1/2 hours away. I'm making her go with me to get hubby's birthday present. I know what I want to get him....he said he wanted it, but that was like 6 months ago and I don't know if he wants it anymore. Oh, well...that's what he's gonna get. My birthday is coming up too...I told him that I just wanted baby stuff.

I feel a little weird with Lilly knowing about the baby already. I don't know what it is. I don't like my stomach to be touched... a lot of people did it a lot during my last pregnancy...without my permission. So it freaks me out a bit now when someone goes reaching for my tummy. I'm no where near showing yet, either. But Lilly seems like she always has to be touching my stomach. It just sorta makes me uncomfortable. I mean she is my daughter...she was in there at one time...and I'm sure she's just excited about the baby...but it still freaks me out. And the way she talks about it weirds me out too. She doesn't talk like a five year old, its like I'm talking to someone almost my age or something. I don't know how to really explain it, and I don't know why I feel this way. I hate that I feel weird about this, but I can't help it. She has always talked about babies and have been fascinated with them. She even wanted to know stories from when she was a baby and wanted to know a play by play of what happened with us while we were in the hospital when she was born....and all of this was before I even found out I was pregnant. She'll do something and then say, "Did I do that when I was a baby?" or "How did I do this when I was a baby?" "How did I say this when I was a baby?" So I really shouldn't be surprised that she is already this involved with the baby...... weirds me out a bit.

I want a pamper day. I want a me day. I want to go out, I want to get a massage, a manicure, a haircut and style, I want to be cooked for, and I want some sleep. I feel so tired and stressed out lately along with so many other emotions..I just want a day off. A day off from everything. I don't want to have to worry about cooking or cleaning or where Lilly is or if Hubby wants something. I don't want to worry about traffic or money or time. I don't want to have to worry about anything or anyone. Just for one day.

Its been one full week of no nicotine. Its kinda weird. Yes, weird is the word of the day. Sometimes I feel like I should be smoking cuz its what I would be doing. It still hurts a little when I take deep breaths, like my chest is on fire or its getting ready to cave in. I wonder if that's normal. I was sitting on the couch last night thinking how great nicotine would go with the peanut butter I was eating. I don't really crave a cigarette, I just feel like I want one. Like.... when I do things where I would normally smoke. I feel like its routine or something. Get in a car...light one up. Done eating...have a smoke. Its routine, its what I've done for the past million years, so yeah...its weird and I still feel like I should be smoking sometimes. I'm doing good I think. I haven't cheating and snuck a drag. I haven't even really been around other smokers. A few times I went outside to talk to my old smoking buddies. Its odd...I never realized how many other people I talked to while I was smoking. Its easy to strike up a conversation with a cigarette in your hand. I haven't been around my bff or hubby's friends yet. I think that's gonna be kinda bad. I'm dreading that. This Saturday is my test.

I've been having pains in my stomach lately. I usually do. I went to the doctor a while back and he didn't know what was wrong with me. So, now when I feel pains, I'm scared that it might be the baby and not my regular pains. I have yet to go to my OB/GYN for my "baby checkup" only because I'm waiting to see if I am qualified for state insurance. Since hubby is laid off and I don't make much money, I thought I would be qualified. So I applied and I have yet to hear anything. Its only been a week though. If I don't get it, I don't know who I'm doing to pay for the doctor visits. So, I worry about that. If I don't hear anything by the first, I'm gonna have to call and see what the deal is.
I looked a a few baby things at Wal Mart over the weekend. I found a car seat that came with a stroller that was that I liked. It's red and white with square designs on it, then I found a play pen that matched. I just like that one for now, at least until I find out if I'm having a boy or a girl. I also found a high chair that I liked. Found one that matched the car seat and stroller, but I like this one better. Lilly never really had one. I just fed her either in her bouncy/vibrating seat or her saucer/walker. But this seat...its just sorta like a booster seat at the table. It lays back for new borns and sits up for when they are older. It has a tray and everything. Lilly did have one kinda like that for when she was a toddler, it didn't lay back or anything. We still have that. I want this one because it will take up less space and put the baby right at the table with us and it goes with the baby as it grows. I still have Lilly's crib, so I don't have to worry about that. I still have Lilly's baby tub, so that's good too. I think I still have a stroller, but I don't remember if its pink. I don't think I have her car seat anymore. I may have given that away. As I think about it, I might have given her stroller away. Hmm....I need to visit my storage building.

Happy Monday!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

5 Weeks

I got up in the middle of the night to pee FOUR times last night!!

I'm keeping track of the growth of my baby on a

Apparently, I'm 5 weeks along. From the time 'they' want me to count. I haven't been to a doctor yet. I'm waiting on my insurance card to come in so I can go. The only doctor I have seen so far was the one who did the blood test.'s what the site says for week 5 and here's a picture of what my baby looks like right now.

Your Pregnancy: Week 5 ~Although you've been pregnant for four weeks now, you probably just found out. Congrats! Yippee! Woohoo! The fact that you're actually growing a baby inside you probably seems completely surreal. Don't worry, it's common. Still, do your best not to overthink it. Instead, concentrate on making a nice home for the baby over the next nine months by taking care of you. That means eating right, moving your body (some call it exercise, but that sounds so strenuous) and taking it easy. Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...What You're Thinking: "If I order a club soda with lime on the rocks, I might be able to dupe my friends into believing that there's nothing suspicious going on."

Your body ~If you never paid much attention to what you eat—we're talking to you Ms. Cheeseburger and Fries—now's the time to make it a priority to eat the most nutritious food you can.The average pregnant woman needs about 300 extra calories each day. That's right: extra calories! Being pregnant rocks!Many insurance plans will pay for you to have a consultation with a qualified nutritionist or dietitian, who can help you create an eating plan that will work for you. That doesn't mean you have to give up your vices and just eat boring health food all day. A nutritional plan will help you get the stuff you need for your baby first, then the rest can be icing on the cake. (Literally, you can eat icing if you want to. How great is that?)Certain "super-foods" like walnuts and yogurt can provide extra bang for your buck, giving you and your baby much-needed nutrients in each bite. Walnuts dipped in icing anyone?

Your Baby ~Your baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for. Here's what else is under construction: With the beating of the heart, blood will begin to circulate throughout the body. Your baby's first organ system will be up and running!The beginnings of the brain; the cardiovascular, nervous and reproductive systems; as well as all other major systems are under way. Your baby's new digs—the amniotic sac and the placenta (aka the hotel and the restaurant)—are still forming at this point. (Maybe you should send a housewarming gift.)All that high-speed development and your baby is only 2 millimeters long—about the size of a sesame seed (check one out next time you're chowing down on a bagel—you won't believe how tiny it is!).

Your Life ~Don't wait until the baby arrives to invest in a good point-and-shoot digital camera. (It'll probably take you at least nine months to figure out how to use it anyway!) If you don't already have one, check out Consumer Reports to find the model that's right for you.With your new camera (or with the one you already have), start taking pics of your growing belly week after week. After it's all said and done, you won't believe you were ever that big (or this small).Since you're taking all those pictures, we've got a great place for them. A LifeBook will let you document your pregnancy and your baby's life with pictures, audio clips and videos. Upload your first "before" belly shot and get your LifeBook started. Make a list of all the things you want to do before the baby arrives. Want to go to France? (Or even the outlet mall in the next town over?) Start planning, because the next several months will be prime time to get in as much as possible.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Happy hump day

Quitting smoking is a bit easier than I thought it was going to be. The first day was the hardest. I was angry all day, I threw things, I cried, I yelled, I sulked in my own little silence...but everything seems to be ok now. I woke up yesterday angry, but that slowly went away as the day progressed. Is it weird to say that it kind of hurts to take deep breaths? Like my lungs aren't used to fresh air and they don't like it or something. I have smoked since I was 12. I don't really think I can count from that far back. I didn't inhale at 12...I don't think I started inhaling until I was 14 and in high school. I smoked throughout high school and was only caught by my mom once or twice. I smoked throughout my first pregnancy...I was young and stupid. If "they" say that smoking causes low birth weight, I would hate to see what Lilly would have been. She weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. and had a huge head. I swear. I remember my first walk to the nursery...I looked into the window and pointed and said, "That's my baby. You see that head? Yeah, that's her." To compare... all the other babies in there..lets compare their heads to baseballs....Lilly's head was a basketball.... or apples and watermelons....

Anyway, as I was saying, as time goes on not smoking becomes easier. I know I am not only doing this for me and the people around me, I am doing this for the baby. My desire to quit came about a year ago when I got a health screening. Now, heart disease runs in my family, but I never really gave much thought to it affecting me, until I saw my results. My mom, both grandpa's, my grandma on my dad's side...heart disease is everywhere and I want to do everything I can to make sure I don't go through what they did. They have been my warning. I'm quitting smoking and after the baby, I'm going to lose more weight. I was on the track to losing weight.....but that came to a screeching halt.

Speaking of...... my grandpa is in the hospital. My mom's dad. He wasn't feeling well and couldn't breathe, so they took him to the ER. They found fluid around his heart and said if they don't get the fluid out, he will have another heart attack. Mom called me yesterday and told me that they got ten pounds of fluid out!! But they still wanted to get in there and get the rest of it. Over ten pounds of fluid!! How does that even happen??!! Mom called me late last night and told me that he is doing fine, but she doesn't know anything else yet. If he's still there by Friday, I'm going to take him some flowers or a McDonalds chicken sandwich... that's his favorite.

Neil Pasricha ( I hope I spelled that right) is going to be on the Early Show tomorrow. I have my DVR set to record it. I hope I get to watch it when I get home tomorrow. I haven't seen him on anything yet. I have read a lot about him though. This is exciting!

Work gave us new phones last night. I came in this morning to find it staring at me. My old phone is still here and is hooked up. The new one hooks up to my computer and its smaller. It appears to be working, but I can't set up my voicemail on it yet cuz it says my extension doesn't exist. Maybe they aren't done converting or whatever they are doing. I don't like this new phone. It only has one ring, and its kind of annoying, but I guess that might be the point. Give you a ring you can't stand so you have to answer it. It has a few new buttons too. Hmm...we'll see how this goes. Like it or not, I'm stuck with it.

I just went over to the kitchen to make coffee and the entire kitchen is out of order. There's a big sign on the door and the door is shut. It says that the drains are backed up. Granted, I'm drinking decaf coffee now, but I still want my coffee. I can't start a work day without coffee. I can't get any from this weird coffee machine in the lunch room cuz all it really gives ya is hot water, at least that's what I taste. I might just have to take a little walk to Starbucks here in a minute, or that cute little coffee shop a block down. I've never been there, but I'm gonna need my coffee. I can still think its regular even though its decaf. Coffee helps me not be so hungry in the mornings. This is not a good start to my morning.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Always hungry

Turns out that I am the 9th pregnant girl in the bank department I work in. 9 is one of my favorite numbers. Maybe its a sign.

The drive home yesterday was horrible. Water was over the road everywhere and the rain was still pouring down so hard I could barely see. The car in front of me kept slamming on their don't do that! I thought it was going to still be bad this morning, but I had no problems. I'm angry......about almost everything. I quit smoking for the baby.....and now I'm angry all the time. I'm hoping that will pass, but I doubt it. I was wanting to quit anyway and I told everyone and myself that I would quit when I got pregnant, that way I would have no excuses. Its hard to quit cold turkey.

I think I am interested in seeing a marriage counselor. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my marriage that would need the fixing of a professional. I'm saying I would like for things to be better especially before they get worse. There are some areas that could be better.... maybe I just worry too much. Maybe that's one of the things that needs some work. There are things that needs to be said, things that need to be heard, things that need to be worked on, things that need to be understood, things that need to be compromised, things that need to be worked out. I need to work on my jealousy and be more lenient. I need to work on my communication skills and my social skills. It sucks to have a hubby who is a very social person and I'm not. I need to work on controlling my emotions. There are some things he needs to work on, but I'm not gonna list them here.

I don't think Lilly understands that a baby really is coming. I told her goodnight last night and asked her if she wanted to tell the baby 'night. She said, "What baby?" I told her the baby in my tummy and then she asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes and that we already had this conversation. I don't think she will fully understand until I start showing. That way I can show her there is a baby.

I'm hungry all the freaking time. I haven't even had my first doctor's appointment and I have gained 5 pounds!! The way the doctors count, I'm about 4 1/2 weeks pregnant, but from when I want to count...I'm only 3 weeks. I don't think I should have gained 5 pounds in 5 weeks....this early anyway. I didn't last time. I was losing weight until my second trimester last time! I guess every pregnancy is different though.

So maybe this blog has turned into something to help me keep track of my pregnancy. How I'm feeling, what I'm doing, how I'm growing, what's going on.....then later I can look back on this and remember how silly it was when I cried over this or got mad over that....
I haven't had any cravings yet, maybe its too early for that. I just feel like I need to be constantly eating. I'm not a big fan of ice cream any more. I want hot things. Does that count as a craving? I want things like fresh out of the oven food, toast, pizza....just things that are hot. I don't want ice cream, yogurt, cereal, or even a slushy.

Ok...I can't stand it anymore.....I'm too hungry........

Monday, May 17, 2010

positively positive Thursday I found out I was pregnant. I took an at home test and it was positive....and I got the Book of Awesome on Thursday too!! I was on my way home Thursday and I decided I was going to stop and get one. There were no signs pointing to pregnancy, I just knew I was. I was going to go to a Kroger next to our house, but last time I was there getting a test, I ran into his mom. So, I decided to stop at a K-Mart between work and home. As soon as I pull into the parking lot, baby's daddy's girlfriend, Lilly and her half sister pull in right beside me. Lilly runs up to me and I walk inside with them. I tell her to go with them and I will see her in a couple days. I finally get down the right isle, pick out the test I like (its only $10 and comes 2 in a pack), and I get to the counter. The cashier noticed that the security strip was put over top of the bar code. While she was trying to get it off, she ripped the bar code. She couldn't scan it or make out all of the numbers so she sent another cashier to go get another one. She took forever! She came back and said there were no more. Then my cashier literally ran to get the bar code numbers off of the shelf. I was in line for like 10 minutes, and the whole time I was waiting and looking for Lilly and her little group of people that I didn't want to find out just yet.

I get home....and I really have to pee. Hubby's not home. We agreed that I would never take a test without him being there, but he was gone, I had to pee and I had to know. Getting the test was a spur of the moment thing, I didn't know I was going to get one until I got in my car to go home. So I take the test, and I flip through the Book of Awesome while I wait for the results. My favorite I think has to be on page 321. I seriously laughed for like 5 minutes over that one. Two lines pop up on my test and I call hubby and tell him to come home. Of course he's all excited and all I can think about is, how am I going to afford to go to the doctor? Where are we going to put the baby in this little apartment? Its going to be born in January! I didn't want one in January. I didn't want to go into labor and have to deal with the snow, road blocks, wrecks... ya know. How are we going to afford a baby...he has no job.....

When I got pregnant with Lilly, I was 18, going to college full time and working full time. I lived by myself, but I was never home. 7-2 I was at school. 3-11 I was at work. I didn't have to worry about any one else. I had money. I saved well. When Lilly came, I of course dropped out of school, but still continued to work full time. I paid for everything myself. But now..... I have more bills, there are more people I have to worry about, I'm actually buying food to keep in the house ( I use to live off hot pockets and egg rolls when I lived by myself...of course that changed a little when Lilly came, but not much) is expensive.

My pregnancy with Lilly was wonderul. I didn't get sick, I didn't have any was just wonderful. I did get some swollen feet at month 8 and gained like 50 pounds, but that all went away. I'm hoping this one is just as wonderful.

Besides me freaking out about money and space, I am excited and happy. I called everyone on Friday after my blood test...but I couldn't get a hold of mom. She was out camping on her new land and has no cell phone service. I didn't get a hold of her until Saturday night...and she already knew. Moms always know. That's what I tell Lilly all the time, I should have known that she knew. I told her on Tuesday that I was eating a lot and was always tired...... that should have been our clue.

Lilly thinks that every girl is always pregnant and the baby just come out whenever. For like 6 months now she has been asking me when is that baby is coming out of my tummy!! She has been saying forever that if I have a girl she wants to name it Kelly, but if its a boy she wants to name it Octopus..... and she really wants a brother. I'm sorry Lilly but Octopus is just not on my baby name list.

Of course if its a girl, her middle name is going to be Rose. I'll have Lilly and Rose. I like the name Morgan for a first name, but I don't know yet. Alexander for a boy. We have yet to really discuss anything...these are just names that have been on my baby name list for years.

Now...I'm sitting here at work awaiting for people to show up and say something about it. All the girls that are married and is of child bearing age is pregnant or had a child this year already. One girl had a boy in January... one girl had twin boys in girl had a boy on Friday....the next girl is due in a few weeks with a boy...and there's one due in September, but its too early to tell what it is. All signs point to boy for me. I'd like to have a boy, but I already have all the girl stuff. I haven't given or thrown away any of Lilly's stuff. I have clothes and toys from birth to 5 years old. Pink car seats and strollers, pink sheets and a pink crib liner...the crib is brown so there's no worry there. Pink bottles...well...I think the bottles were all different colors. Her bouncy/vibrating seat is blue and green with Pooh bear and her walker thing that has a bottom on it is red...but I think I did throw that out. All of this is in my storage building along with all my maternity clothes. I'm going to have to pay my storage building a visit.

I think this is a bit more thing.....................................

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Big Dreams

Everyone thinks of things that they would do if they won the lottery. Most of the dreams are probably the same. I've been dreaming a lot about winning the lottery and I don't even play that often....once every 2-3 months or so. Just when I'm feeling extra lucky. I guess I'm dreaming so much cuz money is so tight lately. The way I figured it, I would have to win some really big bucks cuz I'm gonna end up giving half or more away.
My mom would get a million
My dad's parents would get a million (they helped me out a lot over the years)
My dad would get a million
Second Step dad would get a million
Hubby's parents would get a million
Hubby's sister would get a million
Josh L would get half a million and I would finish paying off his house
Chris would get half a million
Tony would get half a million and I would buy him a car
Seth would get half a million and I would buy him a car
Donavan would get half a million and I would buy him...something.
Josh A.... I'd give him $100,000
My bff and her mom would get a million each
My nephew would get half a million, but only when he's old enough
Hubby's niece and 3 nephews would get half a million each to go toward their college fund, cars when old enough, and a house when they are ready...nothing else.
My mom's parents would get half a million
My uncle would get half a million
I'd even give baby's daddy and his mom a million each
I'd make sure that my boss and one other co-worker here could retire comfortably...million each
Two other people who have been good to me gets a million each
Lilly and the child that has yet to be born would get 5 million each
I'd donate a million to Relay for Life and half a million to the hubby's fire station.
I'm sure I'd donate more money to other worthy causes like a women's shelter and St. Judes...but I don't know how much I'd donate.
So how much is that so far?? $35 million or so.. not counting paying off houses and buying cars.
Then I would want to buy hubby a new truck, get us a house, get me a new car, furnish the house, get a boat, go on some trips.... Scotland, Italy, and then France. Send some family on a vacation...maybe a cruise. Take Lilly to Disneyworld and travel the US... see the Grand Canyon and such. Go to Canada again. Niagra Falls. Maybe even go to Hawaii. That's maybe another 5-10 million. Get hubby, me, Lilly and unborn child a new wardrobe...what's that...another million? I'd go back to school and get a degree, but only do that job as a hobby...yeah get paid for it, but I wouldn't make it a big priority. Something to do to get me out of the house. And have money to comfortably live the rest of our lives.... So I need about a take home amount of about $70 million. Wow......

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"Ring Ring" its life calling......

I need to start watching the news more. I feel a bit disconnected from the world. I use to stay up and make it a priority over sleep, but now I'm asleep before they even do their intro.

Tonight is movie night. I have made a little schedule kind of that we go by weekly. Mondays hubby goes to the fire station for his meeting so its mine and Lilly's Wii night. Tuesdays are movie nights. Wednesday is board game night. Sometimes outside play goes longer than anticipated and we don't get to do our weekly routine, but if Lilly's having fun outside..I'm happy. She goes to her father's on Thursdays except for the weekends I have her. I think we are going to watch Tarzan tonight. Next week will be The Shaggy Dog and then the week after that its Beethoven. I like having movie nights with movies that I grew up watching and seeing that Lilly loves them too. I got The Return to Oz to watch too.... I love the Wizard of Oz...its my favorite movie. I don't think I will like the second one, but Lilly's excited about it.

I have only raised $170 for Relay. Last year I did almost $500. I'm a bit disappointed in myself. It just seems like this year has flown by and my energy has disappeared. I need to fix that. I need to get back into shape. I was planning on doing that after having a baby, but I guess I have time to do it now. I need to stop procrastinating.

My birthday, hubby's birthday, our anniversary, mom's birthday, Father's Day, Relay and the boot drive is all next month. Its gonna be busy. I know what I want to get him for his b-day and for our anniversary.

I need to get a hobby. For those weekends when Lilly is with her father and hubby is busy...I need something to do. The only problem is, I don't know what I like anymore. I like to cook, but that's more of a thing I have to do. I like photography, but I don't have the money needed to get all the things I need and I basically already to that almost everyday with taking pictures of family and such. I use to write poetry, but it seems I have lost my muse. I just don't know....I need to get into something.

I'm sorry if anyone likes this person, but I just cannot stand her. Kesha....or am I supposed to put a dollar sign in her name in place of the 's'~ I don't really care. Her songs just annoy me so much. I can't stand to hear them anymore. She doesn't even really sing except for the chorus and I think her voice just annoys me. I don't know........maybe I'm just getting old...older than I should be, but I just do not like her. Every time she comes on the radio I switch the station or just turn it off. Sorry, but I had to make that known.

While I was staying with my bff one weekend she made me watch Desperate Housewives....I told myself that I would NEVER watch that show....but she made me sit down with her and watch it...and I loved it. I loved it so much that I am recording every episode with my DVR that come on. It's on like 4 times a day. I watched a new episode with her, but I'm trying to catch up to that point. I watched like 2 episodes from the second season I think and the rest I'm watching is from season 4. Eventually I will have watched all of them, but I will probably be a bit confused. So much happens with so many people. I'm so mad that I like this show....LOL

I'm going to try to use today to catch up on everything here at work. I'm a bit behind with my filing.... so I'm going to get on that. HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day weekend

Oh, Mother's Day................

So Saturday I get up at 6:30, take a shower, feed Lilly, get us both ready and head out the door while hubby stays in bed. My first stop of the day was my grandma's house to take her the cards and a big picture I printed out of Lilly and my nephew. Had a conversation with Paw about our roots. He said that he wasn't the one that was adopted, it was his dad. Well....I don't really want to put it that way. His mom got pregnant and then the father ran off, so the guy who adopted him was his step dad, but his mom was there. So my last name should have been Paxton, if the father would've stuck around or if they would have let him have his father's last name. The ancestry stuff I found branched off from Paw's grandma, so I still don't have the other side of the family. Its just complicated. Paw went on to tell me a story about how we are distant relatives of King Henry the 8th, and even Daniel Boone is thrown in there....well...Paw said it was Daniel's son or nephew ( I don't remember which he said). And he kept talking about this one book that had most of the ancestry and such, I think from his grandma's side and how a cousin has the book, but won't let anyone look at it. Its a real book, published and all. So....I googled it. And I found it. When I left Paw was sitting in front of his computer reading away. I hope he finds what he's looking for and can tell me more stories. I'm hoping to discover whether or not I am a decedent of a King.

Then I went to pick mom up so we could hang out. Lilly gave mom her present and she sat in the car and looked through it with us....she loved it! I told her stories about what was going on in each picture. Then, we headed off to find mom some kind of tree. We went to the first plant store, but the tree was waaayyyy to expensive. Then we went to a 'junk store' as we call it to look around. Found some nice furniture for cheap that I would have gotten if I had a house to put them in. Then we went to Lowes to find her tree. They were out, but she got some grass seed for her new land. We ate then we went to K-Mart so find a tree but they were out too. I let Lilly get a toy here with the money she brought with her. It took her an hour to pick a toy and stick with it. We left there and went to another K-Mart, they had the tree mom wanted, but it was in pretty bad shape and it was the last we didn't get it. I dropped her off to her car and we all went to her mom's house. While we were there I saw my great aunt that I haven't seen in a long time. After we left there, mom went home and me and Lilly went to my second step dad's house where 2 of my little brothers were. Step dad wasn't home from work yet. My oldest brother (Josh L.) stopped in and took Tony to see mom's mom. He hasn't seen her in about 3 years or so, so I'm sure she enjoyed that. Step dad came home and it was him, me, Lilly, Josh, Seth, Tony, and Donavan in his itty bitty apartment. I watched as the boys and Lilly played video games and step dad played on the computer. We had pizza and then me and Lilly left to go home. She fell asleep. I went to bed around midnight.

Friday, May 7, 2010

happy mother's day

Tomorrow's gonna be a bit busy. Wake up with the sun, take a shower, get ready, get Lilly ready, feed her breakfast and then be on our way. First stop is my grandma's, gonna drop off her Mother's Day card and a huge picture I printed off of Lilly and my nephew. Next stop is to meet mom and give her the photo album I made (I had Lilly wrap it up last night) and her cards. Then she is taking us up to the land she just bought. I get to see all of my little brothers tomorrow!!! Let Lilly play in the mud down there. She and her boyfriend are trying to fix the land up a bit, ya know...mow it, remove any unwanted trees, etc, before they move there. She's moving her trailer there and he is staying on the land, but I don't know if there is already a house there or if he is going to move one there. Mom likes her space...after 6 kids and 3 husbands she wants to live by herself now, but her bf will be nearby. At least I don't have to worry about her so much, then. Right now she lives up on a big hill by herself and no neighbors for miles. She has had 3 heart attacks and even triple bypass surgery. So, yeah...I worry.

Went to Mother's Day Tea yesterday. I don't know why they called it that.... they had fruit and punch, but I guess they couldn't really call it Mother's Day punch. The class sang a song about Mom's that went to the tune of Bingo. Ya know...the song about the dog named Bingo. It was cute. I got some good pictures out of it. Lilly kept trying to eat this one strawberry that she said was really sour, so there are a few pictures of her making a sour face.

Got Lilly her graduation dress yesterday. After trying on like 10 dresses, she finally picked one. Its got a green undershirt and the dress is strappy with butterflies all over it. Its green. She loves butterflies. Green use to be her favorite color, but now its purple cuz that's what mine is.

Had a dream last night that I had just had a baby. Literally..... just gave birth. Didn't go to the hospital. I was holding the baby and my hubby and mom came in ( I have no idea where exactly I was in this dream, maybe at home...I don't know for sure) and I told them that we needed to go to the hospital. First I was freaking out because we didn't have a car seat for the baby and made them go to my storage building to get one. They bring back something that looks like the car seat that I have, but it was paper. I started crying and told them that I'm going to be a horrible mother to this child because I don't even have a car seat for him. (oh, was a boy) So I took him and we walked to the hospital, but by the time I got there he was like 5 years old. I looked down and he just jumped out of my arms. That's when I woke up. Weird.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be sure to check out today. Its about hanging out with your mom.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

For some reason I just today. I'll try to be a bit cheery for this post

Mother's Day is quickly approaching and I'm still not done with Mom's album. I think I'm running out of pictures to put in it. I gave her an album on Christmas with my wedding photos in it and a few random ones. When I thought up to do another for Mother's Day, I hadn't realized how many pages were in this album that I bought for her. I think I have it half full at the moment. I need to go to the store maybe tonight and get some more printed off from a memory card I had forgotten about. Hopefully I will have everything done by Saturday cuz that's when I get to go see her. I hate living so far away from her. Its only an hour, but its hard to do when money is tight and gas is going up and hubby still doesn't have a job. I need to go back to his previous employer and kick him in the face for laying hubby off. Anyway, I got a bit off track there.... I only get to see mom maybe once a month. I didn't get to make it last month, though. Couldn't really even tell ya the last time I saw my little brothers. One lives with his and my dad, one lives with his dad and one lives with mom, but he's never home. He is always at his dad's or our ex step dad's. Yeah, I know its complicated. Let me help a bit. I have 6 brothers. Josh L- oldest brother, Chris- next in line, Josh A- my step brother (he lives in my dad's house, but he is my step mom's son not my dad's), Tony- the one after me, Seth- my first half brother, and Donavan-the youngest and my half brother. My mom has been married and divorced 3 times. Had Josh, Chris, me and Tony with Dad and Seth and Donavan with my first step dad. She didn't have any kids with my second step dad. They divorced about 2 years ago or so. Maybe that helps explain?

To further explain my family..maybe. Josh is divorced with one kid that's almost 2 years older than my daughter and has no job. He lives about 5 mins from Mom. Chris works out on the road with Dad going to warehouses all over the US repairing things. His house is like 50 paces from Dad's. He doesn't really talk to anyone in the family except Dad, Josh A, my step mom and Tony. I see him on some holidays. Josh A is almost 21 and still living with his mom and has no job. Don't know when I saw him last. Tony is in his sophomore year in high school and living with Dad and my step mom. Seth moved in with his father a few years back. I think he is either a freshman or sophomore in high school. He lives close to Mom and just up the hill from my second step dad, so he visits them often. Donavan lives with mom part time and our second step dad and his dad the other half. He is still in middle school. 7th or 8th grade.

When I moved in with hubby, I didn't realize that I wouldn't really see my family. He doesn't understand that I need them. He lives 5 minutes from everyone in his family and all of his friends. He can see them whenever he wants and doesn't have to worry about gas and time or anything. *sigh*

My daughter's pre-school graduation is coming up on the 27th. I'm so proud of her. Oh, and btw, her name is Lillian or Lilly for short. Lilies are my favorite flower, and after she was born I even got a tattoo on my ankle of a lily. Did it without telling anyone I was doing it. A few people, i.e.-my grandma, was a little upset over it.

My second step dad's birthday is today. Gotta remember to call him when I get Lilly. I made him a collage of pictures of Lilly and me.

The reason I give pictures as a gift to everyone is because they don't get to see Lilly that much and watch her grow up. And its the one gift no one can complain about. My brothers still get stuff, but they also get pictures. I think hubby's gonna get some pictures this year for his birthday. Found some of Lilly sitting on his 4-wheeler. I had some other things in mind that I wanted to get him....but I'm broke.

Mapped out my money today for the next few months. How much is going where and how much I'm allowed to spend on other things. Hopefully this will keep me from going in the negatives.

Leaving early today for some Mother's Day tea at Lilly's school. She let it slip that they are singing, so I got to bring my camcorder. Wow...I leave in like 3 hours........I gotta get back to work!!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


A while back I swear I heard my grandpa say that he was adopted. So, naturally, that got me wondering where I really come from...or even if he wasn't adopted, where I still come from. I got really interested in my ancestry, but was afraid to ask him anything about the adoption. Maybe I heard him wrong, maybe it was one of those dreams that just seemed real....or maybe its something he doesn't want to talk about. I asked a few other family members and they don't know anything about the adoption or him saying it, which makes me think I did imagine it.

So anyway...I got on and set up a bit of my family tree. I got those little leaves that tell you that there is more information on that person, but you gotta pay to get it. I'm probably going to get the membership, but I'm thinking about it. Not going to do it right now at this moment. I'm going to finish setting up the tree and then pay to see the leaves. My grandpa is one of the people...and his dad that has more information on them, so I am very interested in what the leaves say. I googled my grandpa's name and found a tree already set up. It goes all the way back to 1800. The branch with my grandpa's name stops with him, so I'm hoping to get it finished. I found all of my great aunts and my was such a great feeling.

I emailed him and gave him the tree that I found and he was ecstatic. He said that he was a little upset that it wasn't updated and I told him that I was working on that. I'm hoping to get all the information I can about his family. My grandma's too. I think her mom was a descendant of Indians as was my other grandma. I'm not sure which tribe though. I have no idea on anything about my other grandpa. I need to start investigating!!

Whether or not he was adopted, I'm glad I can help him (and myself) in the journey to learning about our family. If he was adopted, I'd like to find out about that family too. Hopefully one day I will bring myself to ask him about it.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Still going uphill

Leaving work in a few hours to go to my best friend's cousin's funeral. Its so sad. He was only 25. Like I said earlier, her family might as well be my family. I grew up with her family around. I only met this cousin once, I think. But I'm going to be there for her and whomever else will need my support. I know this has got to be hard on everyone.

I haven't been keeping up on the news of the oil spill, but I really hope they get that resolved. Just think of all those animals.

Thursday, I gotta go to the preschool for some Mother's Day tea in the middle of the day. I appreciate that they do things like this, but they need to understand that people work. Since I'm leaving today for the funeral, I don't know if I will be able to leave on Thursday. We'll see, I guess.

When was it? A couple weeks ago I went to my bff's house and she made me watch Desperate Housewives. I told myself that I would never watch that show, but she assured and then reassured me that it was nothing like I thought it was.... wasn't and now I love that show. I have the DVR set to record it on like 3 different channels so I can catch up.

Ok, well...I gotta get my work done so I can leave here in a few.