Friday, March 29, 2013

Sadness and Sickness

I can't believe I haven't updated in over a week! Where did the time go? Lets see what's happened... Friday I went to Walmart to get stuff to make to take to moms for after the funeral. I stayed up until after midnight making 2 casseroles.
Went to the funeral on Saturday. It was a short service. Mom told me that it started at noon, but the papers said 1:00, so we rushed to get there at noon, but nothing started until 1:00. Afterwards we went back to mom's for the burial. Words were said, hugs were given, lots of people left, some stayed and had some food. We stayed about an hour or so afterwards. That night, around 10:00 Zach was hollering from his crib. We went back there and here he was, sitting in throw up. It was everywhere. It was on him, all over his bed, in his floor, on his pillow and blankets... and it was mostly curled milk where he drank a cup and it just sat on his stomach. I took his diaper and shirt off and rushed him to the bathtub. Hubby attempted to clean up the bed, but he ended up throwing up twice. After I scrubbed Zach down, I dressed him and put him in my bed so I could take over cleaning up his room. Hubby had taken the sheets and blankets downstairs to throw in the washer. I scrubbed his bed and his floor and spayed some Lysol to help with the smell. Zach slept the rest of the night.
Sunday, me and Zach got up around 7:00... he was fine. No fever and playing like normal. 10:00 I decided to try to get some food in him. As soon as we walk into the kitchen, he throws up again. At least it wasn't on carpet this time. I clean him and the floor up and give him dry Cheerio's. He went all day without doing it again and was acting like he was fine. He ate crackers and toast all day so when it came to dinner, I thought he was fine... that the puking was a fluke, maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach... so I gave him a couple mini corndogs. BIG MISTAKE! It ALL came back up. Threw him back in the tub and cleaned up the corn dog mess. I forgot to pick up his plate and he went back to eating them! I then took them away and he was not happy about that. I gave him teddy grahams and told him they were cookies and he was ok. That night the diarrhea started. It was just like water. It leaked through his diaper and got onto his floor. He got another bath and I scrubbed his floor again. I gave him Pedialyte that night and all day Monday. I took Monday off. He was fine Monday. He was just cranky. We both ended up taking a 3 hour nap on the couch.
Lilly no longer has to sit in a booster seat. She is finally old enough to sit in the regular seat of a car. The seat belt even sits on her right. It makes me so sad. She's growing up on me. Too fast. We have softball practice tonight too. Her team colors are lime green and black. I'm excited to see the uniforms.
Weather is warming up, so I'll be able to get out and walk some more. I went yesterday and was going to go today, but CJ is wanting to hang out and wonder around the mall. I've lost a total of 12.6 pounds now. Its been hard losing lately. I've been so stressed out.
Saturday, I'm taking Lilly to see the new OZ movie. We are both super excited. That night I'm going to have to get their baskets together. I bought them some straw glasses to put in their baskets. Bought Lilly some little nail polish bottles and Zach some rubber snakes too. Probably going to try to go up Mom's Sunday to do a big Easter Egg hunt with all my cousins and brothers and such. Its supposed to rain though.
Oh, my grandma had surgery on her hand last Friday because her fingers were getting stuck. Everything went ok, but she is still wrapped up and she said it feel like she's wearing a boxing glove!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Prayer needed

I can't be the strong one anymore. Its tearing me apart. Mom keeps calling me crying and I try to just listen and be there and I try to give her positive feedback, but its getting hard. The coroner's office has released the bodies and now they are going to start planning for the funerals. Mom called me crying yesterday saying on top of everything else, grandpa is back in the hospital with chest pains this time. He has been admitted and that's all I know so far. My brother was supposed to call and give me updates, but he didn't. I'm going to have to call him today. Mom keeps saying that Heather just wants to kill herself and I told her to make sure all the guns are put away and keep her in sight. I told mom to tell her to think of her other kids who are still here and need her. I don't really know what else to say. I can't imagine the pain and heart ache that she is going through right now. Mom's trying to be strong for Heather, but as soon as she can, she calls me and falls apart. I thought about going to the book store today to get Heather a grieving book. I found some online that help you cope with losing a child/children, but I'm not sure how she'll take it. Would it be appropriate for me to get her this book? She might be offended or make her feel worse or she could really like it. I don't know. I was going to ask mom today about it.
The account I opened at work to go towards helping my cousin out hasn't gotten many donations. For a place that employs these people and pays them good money to sit on their butts, they are pretty greedy. I know that I'm one of the lowest paid people here and when someone needs help, I'm there to help. Last year, one of the girls best friend's house burnt down. Everyone made it out ok, but they lost everything. I gave her $100. I couldn't really afford it, but I knew they needed it more than I did. It just irks me that people aren't more willing to help out. My branch alone employs about 75 people and only 3 has donated. I'm going to offer it to mom first to go towards the after funeral where she's worried about feeding everyone.
During all this, I just keep thinking of my kids and I want to spend more time with them, but when we get home, they just kind of do their own thing and I don't want to be that mom that smothers them. I'll go in Zach's room and sit and watch Mickey with him and run around the house when it goes off. I go in Lilly's room and we'll play Bopit or talk about school. I offer to do crafts and things and if they want, they can, but otherwise, they just go their own way. I can't hold their hand all day. I wish I could and I would. 
I don't really feel like doing anything. I just sit and stare most of the day. I'm still shocked and saddened and trying to think of ways to help. I'm worried about my grandpa who is in the hospital for the third time in less than a month. I'm worried about my mom who just had a heart attack and is dealing with all this. I'm worried about Heather who is going through the worst thing a parent could ever go through. I'm worried about Brandon who is lost his sisters and brother and is watching his mom fall apart. I'm worried about Donavan who is in the middle of everything, just standing in the background. I'm worried about my grandma who is wearing herself out going back and forth to the hospital. I'm worried about my own kids, hoping they stay safe throughout the day and wondering if I am being the best mom I can be. I can't really think of anything else. This has consumed my brain. I try to push it all aside, but it eventually comes back in a short time.  I've been having days when all I want to do is eat, just to be doing something else other than thinking about all this and worrying, then there are the days when I can't eat and I just want to be left alone and I feel like throwing up all day.
With all this, its brought on the realization that my family isn't in the best health and I know their time is soon. Mom, had 4 heart attacks and is going through so much stress right now. My grandpa, he's having so many problems lately. My other grandpa, He's in so much pain that he takes daily morphine shots for it. And then there are the thoughts that run through my head about what could happen at any time. Tony just learned to drive and doesn't know all the dangers yet. My step dad is horribly over weight, as well as Donavan. My dad, Chris and my uncle are always on the road. I keep thinking that I need to check my smoke alarms in the house to make sure they work. I hate being in the basement now because there is only one way out and I'm more aware of it now than ever. I lay awake at night going through different scenarios in my head. If there was a fire, what would I do? If it started in the kitchen or the living room, how different would my decision be? What if someone broke in with a gun? Is my gun easily accessible to me, but not to the kids? Am I prepared for any kind of disaster? I saw on the news the other day where a private airplane crashed into a house. How can you prepare for that? Its one of those things that just happen. And now when I'm outside and hear an airplane, I watch it until its out of sight. I know that thinking like this isn't healthy, but I can't help it now. I'm constantly worried and always thinking about what could happen.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Lilly's party and stuff

This weekend went ok. Kids fought and just couldn't get along, Lilly was back talking way more than usually and Zach was whinier than usual too. I cleaned all weekend to get ready for the party on Sunday. It was crazy. I swept and mopped, dusted (long task since we have been using our fireplace), cleaned the windows, cleaned the kids bedrooms, did laundry, scrubbed the bathroom, hung up pictures, baked 48 cupcakes, put up decorations, wrapped presents and I swear we ended up taking out the trash twice a day since Friday.
Saturday we went to my grandparent's house for Lilly's party #1. She got her gun. Its a pink gun with interchangeable .22 and 4/10 barrels. She's already planning on going hunting. Hopefully in just a couple of years we can all go as a family and I can get out there again and show up hubby!! She also got a big porcelain doll and some Stompeez slippers. I stayed up late to make her cupcakes, green swirled and rainbow with green icing. I also blew up a bunch of balloons and threw them on bedroom floor while she was sleeping. When she woke up, her and Zach played in them.
Sunday was her party. I decorated the house like crazy. Everything was green. I had it at 3:00 and exactly at 3:00, Zach was in much need of a nap. I tossed him in bed and stood by the door so no one would ring the doorbell. 2 of Lilly's best friends and her little boyfriend showed up. Hubby's family and family friends also came. Hubby's mom decided she wanted to give people a tour of our house. I made her stop. You just don't do that. I don't go to everyone else's house wanting a tour. Its not normal. You just don't do that, especially if its not even your house! Kids played for about an hour and we woke Zach up so he wouldn't miss the party. Everyone ate pizza and then she opened her gifts and loved everything she got. Her little boyfriend gave her a heart necklace. I think her favorite thing was the Full House DVD I got her. She liked her MP4 player, but wasn't as excited as she was about Full House. I think she has a crush on Uncle Jesse... but who didn't? Then we ate cupcakes and everyone went home and I got to clean up the mess. Good times.
I know this is short, but my mind is still elsewhere. I called mom just a bit ago and she was filling me in. The coroner's office hasn't released the bodies yet, so there's no date set for funerals yet. I don't know how much is planned yet. I don't ask questions, I just listen to what mom wants to offer me. The kids' mom is in a very bad place right now. She's ready to just get a gun and kill herself. I told mom to put her in therapy as soon as possible. I can't imagine the pain she is going through, but she has another son and baby girl on the way that she needs to think about. I wish there was something I could do. The kids are going to be buried in a family cemetery up behind mom's house. Mom is freaking out about all the people that are going to show up and expect food since its 'custom' to go back to the person's house and feast. I told her no one is expecting anything and not to worry about it. If people are so concerned about food, then they can bring their own. Its a funeral for babies, not a lunch buffet. I'm trying to stay strong for mom because she is trying to stay strong for everyone else. I let her call and tell me what she wants for feels the need to tell me. I let her cry and tell me stories of the kids. Tears roll down my cheeks while I'm on the phone, but I don't let her know and try to keep my voice from quivering. I'll tell her something funny my kids did to get her to laugh before we get off the phone. I told mom that it wouldn't hurt for her to go to therapy too. She said she'll be alright, but I'm going to keep telling her. The whole thing breaks my heart. I try not to think about it much unless I'm talking to mom. It makes my thoughts go crazy with 'what if it were my kids' and I break down. It makes me want to keep my kids in a bubble forever. If you can, please pray for my family.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Tragic Day

Yesterday morning a fire broke out in a home and took the lives of 3 small children and their grandmother and also badly burning the children's father and uncle. Those kids were my cousins. The little boy that is living with my mom, those were his sisters and brother. Their ages were 5, 6 and 7. There were no smoke detectors in the house and only one working door in and out. The mother didn't live there. Its a sad day today. My mom is tore up. She went and got the mother and she is staying with my mom for a while now. I'm trying to get an account set up at my bank so people can make donations to help out. The mom is in charge of making arrangements and she has very little as it is. I'll post the information on Facebook as soon as I get it set up.
I don't really feel like posting anything else right now. My heart just isn't in it. Lilly's party is Sunday, so I'll post pics and stuff from it on Monday if I can.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Spring is Almost Here

This weekend was fantastic! The weather was wonderful.
Friday, me and Zach went out to dinner with my ex neighbor. The service was horrible, but the food was good. Hubby had a class to go to, so he missed out.
Saturday, I called up my grandma and told her I was heading to Walmart if she wanted to go or needed anything. My grandpa was in NC for a funeral and my grandma doesn't drive. We went up there and I got basically everything I need for Lilly's party. Zach started to get restless and sleepy about halfway through the store. I couldn't find any Full House DVD's that I wanted to get for Lilly. We shopped and checked out. I gave Zach a cookie to entertain him while we drove back to my grandma's house. He took one bite and fell asleep. After dropping Maw off, I took Zach home. He was still asleep with his cookie in his hand. I pulled into the driveway the same time hubby got home from work. By now, Zach had crumbled up his cookie all over himself.
I introduced Zach to chalk. It was the first time he had played with it. It was pretty outside so I grabbed some and he colored the driveway. We spent most of the day outside playing. When we went inside, I had to clean and cook dinner.
Sunday was another pretty day outside. Took Zach out again and he played with just about every single outside toy he has. He helped me pick up sticks from the yard, pull weeds from the flower bed, leaves out of my bushes and he even swept the sidewalk off. I dressed him in shorts! We climbed trees, played sword fighting and bird watched. I took him in for his nap and I finished laundry, stripped Lilly's bed, opened up windows, washed dishes, cleaned the windows and swept up the cobwebs from the corners. After he woke up, we went back outside and cleaned up the patio furniture and the back door. Hubby grilled us some steaks for dinner and I attempted to make dehydrated fruit and failed.
Tonight we are going to attempt to make the bubble paint that we haven't gotten the chance to do yet. I hope it works out ok.
I got to hang out with CJ for lunch. She's supposed to leave for Australia to visit her husband for a week soon. She's in her first trimester and is having some small issues and is debating weather or not she's going to go.
So far everything is a go for Lilly's party. She only invited 3 friends though, but plenty of family and kids will be there. This is the first birthday party I'm having at the house. I am even making her cake myself. I found some green icing and am going to make a white cake with green steaks in it. I have green candles, green streamer, green kool-aid, green napkins, green plates, green forks, green cups, green garland and I'm going to get green wrapping paper. I have some green mints too but am also going to get the chocolate gold coins and put in a plastic pot to look like a pot of gold and I'm going to hide it and make the kids find it. I hope the weather is nice. Right now its calling for rain, but only 30%. I am still debating weather or not to get her roller skates or wait til Christmas for them.
Today has been a very unmotivating day. I haven't gotten anything done or even made and attempt to.  

Friday, March 8, 2013

I Need a Vacation

Its been one hell of a week. Mom went home from the hospital on Sunday, grandpa got to go home Monday. My other grandpa went to North Carolina yesterday to be with his cousin who had a stroke on Monday and didn't wake up. He passed away today. Tuesday I was off work because I was sick. Wednesday I left work early because Lilly was running a fever. Tuesday, hubby was in a wreck in the fire truck. Hubby's fine but the truck is totaled.
Turns out mom really did have a small heart attack. The dr said that the 2 arteries that she had bypass surgery on are the worst. One is 100% blocked and the other is 30% blocked. The one that is 100% is growing itself around the blockage and is fixing itself. In the meantime, the other artery is 15% blocked and is working double time to make up for the lost blood flow.
Lets see.. I'll start with the past weekend. Lilly had a small fever Saturday and hardly ate, but with meds her fever went down. I spent a few hours in the hospital with mom and grandpa on Sunday until mom was released. My oldest brother took her home. I kind of feel bad because my weekend with Lilly was not spent with Lilly. Grandpa was supposed to have a blood scan done, but his bleeding stopped so they didn't.
Monday night I started feeling sick and had to call hubby to come home from his meeting at the fire station. I was sick all night and was really trying to go to work in the morning. I made it as far as day care and decided to go home. I had a high fever and my stomach was doing flip flops. It was a bad day. I felt ok as long as I had Advil in my system, but as soon as it started wearing off, I got bad again. About 6:00 Tuesday night, hubby leaves on a fire call. I'm feeling a little better but not 100%. I get a call while I'm putting the kids to bed at 8:00 that he was in a wreck. The guy that was driving went over a hill, but everyone is fine. I stay up until midnight waiting on hubby to get home so I can check on him.
Wednesday I got a call about 3:30 to come get Lilly from the Y because she has a fever. Got the kids home, gave her some meds, fixed her a grilled cheese sandwich and by 6:00 she was asleep. She slept until about 10:00 when I tried to get her PJ's on her, but went back to sleep. Me and Zach just hung out and watched tv.
Thursday, I woke Lilly up and she was feeling fine so she went to school and I went to work. My grandma calls me and tells me my grandpa is in North Carolina and just texted me this morning saying that paw's cousin passed away.
Tony works his first midnight shift tonight.
Seth is spending time at moms to help her out and make sure Donavan gets up for school.
I'm so far behind on my work that its impossible to catch up. Some of the stuff that happened while I was gone, I'm spending today fixing. On top of all that, my wrist is killing me again. I wore my brace for a couple of days, but I forgot it today and it really hurts today. On a good note, I lost a pound and am now down 12 since the new year.
I've hardly seen hubby this week and it'll probably be a few more days before I do. Monday he had his meeting. Tuesday, he was in a wreck. Wednesday, he spent at the fire station taking all the equipment off the totaled truck. Thursday, he had another meeting. Today, he has a fire class. He works this weekend and then he has his weekly Monday meeting.
I've become quite addicted to the Candy Crush game and I haven't even had the app for a whole day yet. I've also become addicted to Pintrest. I'm so far behind on the times. I'm like an old lady, I swear.

Here's some pics of the kids....

Friday, March 1, 2013

I'm awake, I promise

I'm exhausted. I've been drinking coffee all day and I can still go to sleep. Spent all day at the hospital yesterday from 7 in the morning until almost 6 at night running between mom and grandpa. I broke up arguments between Seth and Donavan. I led them through the hospital and helped grandma get find her way too. Took her to get coffee and she spilled it everywhere, so I cleaned that up. Fed my brothers. Asked the doctors and nurses questions. Kept on top of things. Stayed strong for everyone else. Mom's heart cath went fine. Doctor said that she has 30% blockage and that the enzymes in her heart were so elevated that she should have had a heart attack. She didn't need stints or surgery or anything. She was supposed to get out today, but the doctor wants to monitor her a few more days, so now she's there until Sunday. I went to visit her today during my lunch, took her some Captain D's fish.
Grandpa... I can't remember what I have and haven't said about him. He was in the ER Wednesday from 7 in the morning until 10 at night. Around 5 that evening, his blood pressure dropped so much that when he went to the bathroom, he passed out, fell and hit his head. That was the last time that he bled too until the next morning after he ate breakfast. He is in the ICU right now but is expected to move to a regular room later today or tomorrow.
I left the hospital around 3 yesterday to go get Tony and Bre. Tony worked until 3 and wanted to come down but didn't know how to get to the hospital so I just went and got him. When we left there around 6, I took them to pick up dinner and then took them home. I went home and I just wanted to go to sleep. Hubby had ordered pizza for dinner and the kids were eating when I walked in. Zach jumped up and ran to me. I sat at the dinning table and just put my head down and waiting until they were done. I helped Lilly with her homework and quizzed her on her spelling and played with Zach until bedtime. I put them to bed and hit the shower and crawled into my own bed. Then I had a dream that a new day care worker took Zach home with her because I couldn't make it to pick him up and hubby was supposed to go but never showed. Then, she wouldn't give him back to me. Zach woke me up around 5 in the morning and I was so sad from the dream... until I went into his room and discovered that his diaper leaked. Then, I had to clean him and his bed up. He wouldn't go back to sleep after that, so we just cuddled until I had to get up.
That's all I got. My mind is blank... I'm just so tired. Yesterday was just so stressful and I'm emotionally drained and running between rooms and running after my brothers wore me out. Happy Friday