Friday, July 30, 2010


So I kinda got my days mixed up and thought Wednesday was Thursday and that Thursday was Friday..... is Friday. I don't really have anything today since I was prepared for the weekend and all.
Yesterday was a good day. I was in a good mood 95% of the day. That other 5% was spent fighting with Lilly's father.
Hubby kinda got a job.... so that makes me smile.
Um....... I think that's about it actually. I have nothing. I thought today was gonna be Saturday until last night when I couldn't find my shows on tv. Crazy brain.

Well........HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Happiness....and a side note

My grandpa sent me an email yesterday.... I will share it with you.

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married. Then we convince ourselves that we'll be happy after we have a baby. Then we'll find happiness when we have another baby.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we are sure we will be more content when they are. After that, we are frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of THAT stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.
The truth is, there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, then when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It is best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
There is a famous quote from Alfred D Souza: "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gottenthrough first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would surely begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles WERE my life".
There is no way TO happiness. Happiness IS the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you have had a drink, until you have sobered up, until you die, until you are born decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination

I'm going to think about this every time I start feeling down. I also saw that guy that I work with that got hit by a van while riding his motorcycle (I know I posted the story from the newspaper and some pics, but I can't quite remember the date...I think in April or May) and it did make me realize that no matter how bad of a day I am could always be worse. He is doing good though. He has his prosthetic foot on and is walking without any crutches now. With everything that has happened to him (getting hit, losing his foot), he has always been smiling through the whole thing. He is my inspiration. It seems like nothing can bring him down. Whenever anyone would call or visit him, or when he would visit us here, he was always in a good mood and chipper. Thanks Jimmy!! Your positive attitude is very contagious. Its one thing to read about good things and good people, but to see and experience it is another. I hope I will turn into someone like Jimmy.
On a not so positive side note..... been having problems with Lillys father. School starts on August 20 and we live in separate school districts. As the parenting plan is set now, he gets her Thursdays and brings her back on Sundays. Obviously things need changed, but he is so against going back to court. He wants to work it out by ourselves, but I was stupid enough to try that once and he changed his mind on everything all of a from now on I want everything in writing, signed by a judge and filed in the court systems. She can't miss Fridays. I want her back earlier on Sundays so I have more time to bathe, feed, spend time with her and do homework if she has any. Kindergarten....I don't know if they will have homework and if they do I doubt it will take more than 5 minutes. But right now he brings her back at 6. Her bedtime is at 8. We meet in the middle, between our houses. It takes me 30 minutes to get back home. So from 6:30 to 8, I'm trying to rush things to get them done with her and it makes us both frazzled. I want it changed where I get her back at 4 or 430. That would give me a little bit more time and we wouldn't have to rush things. I also can't have a weekend with her unless I ask permission from him first, I want that changed. I want her one weekend a month. Holidays can stay the same, that's fine. My time with her is very limited. I don't see my family unless I have Lilly....and I never have her, so we never see my family. I haven't seen my mom since mid June. Time is suppose to be split, but technically I don't see her on Thursdays. I drop her off to camp/school early in the morning and that's the last time I'll see her until Sunday. He said the only reason he doesn't want to go is ..... just because he doesn't want to go. He thinks we can do this ourselves..... I don't. I'm sorry, but I just don't have that much faith in his decision making and compromise. Get over it buddy. We're going back to court whether you like it or not. Oh and child support will even go down cuz she probably won't be in any kind of care. If she is, it will be dramatically lower than what I pay now. Child support will drop. That will help him out, but apparently he doesn't care. I was trying to be nice. That was one of the first things I told him, that the support will drop. Sorry.... no more nice. He already messed that up.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Week 15

I was trying to find better pictures of what the baby looks like now, but all the other pictures I found weren't as detailed as this one. I don't think I like these pictures anymore....but I will use them. Lets see... this website says that I may or may not be feeling the baby by now...well...I've been feeling it for almost 2 weeks... one week for sure. I'm always thirsty too. I drink well over the 64 oz they tell you to drink.
Your Pregnancy: Week 15~The initial shock has probably started to wear off by now and you're getting comfortable with this whole pregnancy thing. Soooo, now what? Thumb twiddling? Finger tapping? Welcome to the waiting game. Lucky for you, there's always something you can be doing/planning/obsessing over while you're pregnant. But why not wait on that and just enjoy the peace and quiet?

Your Body~Your energy may have returned but that doesn't mean you should be hitting the clubs until 4:00 AM every night. With a baby growing inside you, sleep is one thing that you can't go without. Try these tricks to ensure you beat up the sheets.If your growing belly is getting in the way of a good night's sleep, surround yourself with pillows to make for an extra-comfy nest effect. Sometimes room temperature can affect sleep, so make sure that your air conditioner is cranked up if you're feeling too hot.Some sleeping positions are more comfortable than others for pregnant woman, like the "I'm just going to pass out on the La-Z-Boy" position. And get comfy sleeping on your left side while you're preggers: It's what the docs recommend to keep the blood flowing full steam ahead between you and the tadpole.

Your Baby~Although many women don't start feeling the baby move until the 17th week (or later), your baby has been having his own party in the amniotic sac he calls home. If you feel a little flutter in your belly this week, don't discount it as gas or hunger. It could be your babe banging around. Here's more to look forward to: Baby's head is now resting on his well-formed neck instead of directly on his shoulders like Igor. He's beginning to grow eyebrows and eyelashes this week. (All the better to give you that "Mom, you're crazy" look when he's a teenager.) The hair on the head also begins to grow and, with some creative styling, you'll be able to turn those locks into a Maddox Jolie-Pitt faux-hawk some day. Although baby's eyes are sealed shut, he's now able to sense light. His eyes and ears finally look like real baby features now. As your baby practices sucking and swallowing actions, he may actually hiccup. You'll know he's had one too many shots of amniotic fluid by the steady thump-thump you feel. Over the next month, baby will grow faster than ever, so make sure you load up on enough nutritious food and fluids to support his growth. Your baby now measures nearly 4 inches, about the size of a Kit Kat "finger" (regular-size, not the Big one you get at the movies), and weighs almost 2 ounces.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I am making a goal right now. After this baby is born, I'm going to do everything I can to get back to the weight I was before Lilly. I know its a long shot, but I've gotta try. Hubby didn't know me when I was skinny. He first met me when I was about 7 months pregnant the last time......and a year later we started dating. So, that's my goal. I want him to see the skinny me. I miss the skinny me. My bff sent me a pic of me and her together and it kinda made me sad. That was my motivation. I'm trying not to gain very much weight with this baby. I gained so much with Lilly. It sucks a little that its going to be born in the middle of winter. It makes it hard to get outside and exercise. Hopefully if we have that house, we can put exercise equipment in the basement or something and I can just workout at home.
I still have all this energy, but I'm so tired. I could lay down and go to sleep any time of the day....if I could just stop long enough. Been going to bed later and regretting it in the morning, but a few hours later.... its like a drank a large cup of sugar. I'm still tired, but I just can't stop.
My boss just told me that I should come up with a few goals that I would like to achieve in the next year or some things I would like to learn. There's quite a bit of things actually. I don't really understand what my department does. I know what I do. I file, transfer some money around, maintain files for housing bonds, and just a couple more things. I work in the corporate trust department of a bank, by the way. We deal mainly with companies and bonds and such. I would like to learn more about the things we do with DTC, how to close a bond, how to open a bond issue, how to do account reviews, and more about bond maturities. I don't really know much of anything about any of those. My boss said that I was hired to take her job when she retires.... I may or may not be here to do that. I have a good job with good pay and good hours, but I want a job that I enjoy doing. If I take her place that would put me out there working with the public on a very professional level...and well...let's face it....I'm not a very professional person. I still have goals to go back to school to be a teacher. That's my dream job. High school Biology and Anatomy teacher. One day. So anyway...while I'm here, I'm going to do my best to learn and maybe learn to like this job and everything that comes with the territory.....but I doubt it.
Yesterday when I got home I laid down on my stomach to play with Lilly for a bit, but I couldn't stay in that position. I could feel where the baby is. The baby, the fluid, everything....its like I was laying on a rock. I felt like I was squishing the baby even though it didn't protest and throw a fit...I rolled over anyway. I have been feeling the baby move like crazy now. There's no question that little weird feeling I feel is the baby now. Its like its break dancing in there. The movements aren't often, but they are strong. I was reading a magazine yesterday about pregnancy and it said if I made a fist....that's how big the baby is right now. Wow! I wonder why I'm not really huge. Imagine something the size of your fist in your stomach.....
I do think I'm a bit more excited about this pregnancy than I am with Lilly. Don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant with Lilly and enjoyed every second of it...but I am more aware of what's going on this time around. I'm actually keeping track of what's going on, I know what to expect....last time I just went with the flow. I didn't track the growth, I was young, I was single, I was scared......well......I'm still scared. Its all very scarey to me.
I have also decided that I'm getting my hair chopped off before this baby is born. Maybe a month or so before. I have long brown hair...its past my butt. I can't remember the last time I had it cut. Trimmed yes, I'm gonna go for anything super short...maybe somewhere between my shoulders and mid-back.... that's a big deal for me. I don't remember my hair ever being that short. I just remember how much of a pain it was to deal with my hair in labor and with a new born and I'd rather not do that again. Maybe even get rid of my bangs. I've had the same 'do forever. I did change it up a bit in '07, I got red streaks and a new style. My hair was parted on the side and my bangs were swooshed off to the side too. It made me look 10 years older than I was.... that hairstyle only lasted maybe 5 months before I put it back to normal. If I had my old phone I could post a picture of it.
Its only Tuesday and I'm already ready for the weekend..........

Monday, July 26, 2010

Back rub please.....

Neck cramp is still going strong. I think its gone from pinched nerve to an actual muscle cramp. I need a good massage.

I had so much energy yesterday that I cleaned the whole house! I slept in a bit, but as soon as my feet hit the floor I was wired. I've been kinda expecting hubby to clean up since he's home all day every day...but he doesn't. He washes the dishes and for that I am grateful. I picked up a whole trash bag full of trash, swept, did laundry, cleaned the bathroom real good, disinfected the kitchen...I even swept behind the refrigerator! By the time hubby got out of bed, I was done and wore out and was ready for a nap...but I couldn't stop long enough. I did everything but dust.......I really hate dusting.

Saturday I didn't at all. I went to bed, slept an hour, woke up and noticed that hubby was still up. So I go into the family room, sat and waited for him. I hate going to bed by myself, and I've told him this several times, but he feels he is old enough that he can pick and chose when he will go. Well....I waited....and waited.....and waited....... and about 7 in the morning he finally says he's going to bed. I was soooooooo mad. I stayed on the couch. Yeah...I understand that he may not be tired since he sleeps in until whenever he feels like getting out of bed everyday and he doesn't really do anything, but watch tv and wash the dishes. But if he would get up at a decent time, he could go to bed at a decent time. Last night he finally came to bed around 3 in the morning after I gave up and went to the couch. I just feel that as a married couple we should go to bed together. Or at least he could go to bed shortly after me, not hours after me. He can't claim that he wants his alone time....he gets that everyday while I'm at work and Lilly's at day camp. I don't know. I hate going to bed alone and I hate waking up several times in the middle of the night and I'm still alone. How about you get a job that requires you to wake up before noon.....

Anyways...... it looks like I'm starting to show my baby belly. I got my first comment on it today. Its weird. With Lilly I didn't start showing until I was 6 months pregnant. That's how I got my first job. The boss told me that if he knew I was pregnant, he wouldn't have hired me. Um...isn't that discrimination or something? so a week after they hired me, my belly just popped out. But I'm only 14 1/2 weeks and I've got a belly. And I can't find affordable maternity clothes anywhere!! I knew I should have kept my old ones. I gave them all away. Yeah, I knew I was going to need them later, but those people needed them. Now, I have nothing and can't find any. There's a couple stores in the mall that sells them, but wow...... I could buy a new car with those prices!

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet or not...but the underwriters for our house loan denied us. Our mortgage loan lady said that the bank manager was taking a look at our application to see if there was anything he could do to help us out. I really do hope we get it. My credit isn't as good as they want it to be, I think that's the problem. I just haven't had many opportunities to build on it. Its been a long time since we've heard anything...which means we probably won't get it. I still have my fingers crossed though. I've already started making plans for this house. I can see us starting our family in that house. We need the space....and I would really like to have a place that is ours.

Having problems typing. I can't count how many times I've used that backspace button in just typing this. Also having problems coming up with the right words when I'm talking to people. I know what it is that I want to say, but I just can't remember the word. Or I'll mix up my words. My boss says the baby is draining my brain. Its funny...I've heard of pregnant girls having problems like I'm one of 'em.

Friday, July 23, 2010

no title today...sorry

In a better mood today. It helps that I got some really good news early in the morning. There's going to be a Book of Awesome 2!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited!
I've had this horrible pain in my neck/back since Monday. It feels like a pinched nerve or something. Hubby was nice enough to give me a backrub, trying to help, but it just put me in more pain. Loved the gesture though. I can't remember the last time he offered to give me a massage. It was really nice.
Lilly starts school in just a month. We are all excited about it. She's going to be in hubby's mom's classroom. She is an assistant teacher. At least I know Lilly will be watched over. I'm a bit over-protective.
Yesterday wasn't really a good day for all of us though. Lilly was tired, therefore she was very whiney. I was in pain and a bit grouchy. Hubby was frustrated for some reason when we got home. We did suck it up long enough to play. Me and Lilly went outside in the sooooooooo hot weather cuz she wanted to play frisbee. I love that she wants to be active and play outside, but its just so hot here.
Didn't sleep last night very well. Haven't really slept well all week since my neck hurts. I can't roll over without being in such pain. I'm hoping that it will stop hurting by Sunday when I get Lilly back.
Been feeling the baby move a bit. Mostly when I'm upset it will move around, but as soon as I put my hand up to my stomach to see if I can feel it with my stops. My tolerance of meat is a little better now. I can now eat, smell, and look at meat without wanting to throw up all over it.....most of the time. Every once in a while the smell will get to me.
I haven't gained any weight, I've actually lost 5 pounds, but I can tell I'm getting bigger. My clothes are tighter and I just feel...well...fat. I can't paint my toenails anymore without taking a break to stretch out. Bending over like that is almost impossible anymore.
I've been craving chocolate like crazy. Yesterday I begged hubby to go to the store to get some pudding so I can make it and then eat all of it. I was craving sour stuff, but that all ended. Chocolate now. Yum!
I may or may not be alone all weekend. Hubby might be going to hang out with his dad at his uncles "farm." I put the little quotes around it cuz its not really a farm, but a little house on a big piece of land. There's no animals or crops or anything. Anyway...Lilly goes to her father's today and if he's gone, I'm all alone all weekend. I'll probably sleep....and eat.....


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Week 14

I think the horomones are getting the best of me lately. Its like I have an overload of all the bad horomones...the ones that make me crazy, emotional, depressed.....I need a dose of the good ones.

Your Pregnancy: Week 14~You're officially in your glory days: the second trimester. Energy levels come back up, nausea levels go down and you may have a cute little bump that's beginning to show. It's a great time to celebrate the happy news ... if people haven't guessed already. And you'll be surprised at how oblivious some folks are. Here you are walking around at 28 weeks with a big belly and all along they've been thinking you ate too many hot wings for lunch.Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
Your Body~You have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, the light at the end of the first tunnel (there will be more). Chances are good that you're feeling as good as you've felt in weeks. If you're not feeling it yet, don't worry, it'll come soon. Enjoy this reprieve. If you haven't been milking the fact that you're pregnant, make up for lost time this week. Stockpile on sleep, have your partner cater to your every need (craving Ben & Jerry's at midnight? Go get it, lover!), let your mom baby you, have your friends come over to your house, take a personal day off of work, insert whatever you normally would feel pushy doing here. ... Thought you'd never want to do "it" again, right? You may find that now that your energy levels are picking up, your interest in sex may increase as well. If your back is starting to hurt, you can thank yet another hormone, relaxin, for the aches and pains. Just like it sounds, relaxin relaxes the joints and muscles in your body to help your pelvis expand and loosens the joints in your hips to make room for baby to come out. It'll also help you do a wicked downward facing dog, so join a yoga class and relish your new flexibility. Relaxin production peeks at 14 weeks and remains in your system until after baby is born. If you're feeling little contractions or pulling and stretching sensations this week, don't panic. It's just your ligaments stretching and your organs moving to accommodate your growing baby. (Don't worry, your organs will all plop back into place shortly after Junior is born.)
Your Baby~Think of it this way: You're a third of the way through and baby's a third of the way cooked. Now that the "big stuff" (like skeletal and organ development) is taken care of, your baby starts a period of rapid brain growth, fat buildup and detail work. Highlights this week include: Your baby now has fingerprints! Book 'em, Danno! Believe it or not, he actually created them himself while swimming around in the amniotic fluid. As he moved his hands, the skin on the tips of his fingers formed unique ridges and folds. That's why no one on earth has the same fingerprints, not even identical twins! Cool, right? Baby's arms are now in proportion to his tiny body, but his legs are still on the short size in comparison. Meconium, that tar-like, sticky first baby poop, is now loading up your baby's intestines, which means you might want to set aside a bottle of olive oil, one of the few things that will get the gooey poop off of baby's bottom. Your baby continues to gain new and impressive skills such as practicing and controlling voluntary muscle movements (this will help him fling food across the room later in life). Your tiny dancer's movements are no longer the jerky, uncontrollable twitches of yore—he now moves with graceful control. Your baby is now weighs about an ounce and is the length of a flip phone, or roughly 3.5 inches—he's tripled in size from a mere three weeks ago! Luckily, you haven't done the same.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Can't stop the tears

Been feeling sad and depressed lately. Anything and everything makes me that way. The doctor said I was depressed. I mean...I knew I was, but I didn't know it was bad enough that I should go see someone. She gave me a number to someone she would like for me to talk to. I do need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. There are things I just can't tell anyone. No one is much help anymore when I have a problem that I have to talk about or vent or whatever. Their advice is never good advice or they don't even try. I need someone who will listen to me and stuff. Sometimes I can't even really have a serious conversation with hubby. The last few times I tried, he laughed at me, didn't respond, and got upset..which all three makes me feel even worse about I have given up trying to talk to him about anything that's bothering me. I have tried just writing things down or even talking to a wall...but that doesn't help. My outlet in middle and high school was writing, but I guess that doesn't work for me anymore. The only problem is....we can't really afford a psychologist or psychiatrist...whichever. If I got the state insurance, then I can probably go, but then finding the time to go is kind of an issue. I can tell that my depression is messing with hubby. I can't help it. Its not my fault I'm sad or whatever and he makes me feel worse about it. I did tell him a long time ago that I wanted to go see someone and he told me that I don't need to. I also use to be really good at faking being happy....but that too has faded away. I can put a smile on my face as long as Lilly is around me, but as soon as she goes to bed or is gone for the weekend...the smile is gone. I can't really control it. I am making myself not show Lilly that I'm sad or upset about anything. I have raised her to be very compassionate and I see now that sometimes that can be a bad thing. I'm that way...I wasn't raised this way...its just the way I am. I will chose to go without so others can have. I've been like that for as long as I can remember and now Lilly is doing it and it makes me feel I try not to let her see anything bother me. In a way, I feel like I raised her wrong or I'm a bad mother for the ways I chose to raise her. I know I did the best I could, being a single mother, but I feel like I could have done a hell of a lot more for her. I feel like I have failed her from time to time. Even hubby...I feel like I am always letting him down. There's more that I should be doing to make sure they are happy. They are the most important people in my life and I love them both so very much and it kills me to see them unhappy at any time. I have tried to be better for them. I have tried to be the wife I think I should be and the wife I think he wants me to be, but I fail over and over again. I have tried to be the mother Lilly needs, but I still think she needs more than I can give. I do look at her and she is happy and healthy, but I feel like I should be doing more for her. Anytime I see them upset I try to think what I could have done to prevent them from feeling this way. Yes, it makes ME feel worse, but as long as they are happy I think I will be too.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Monday, Monday, Monday!!

Small trivia question of the day:
500 billion of these are used each year in the US..... answer at the end of my post

Still haven't heard anything about the loan for the house yet. I think they lost our file or forgot about us or something. Its killing me not knowing...if we didn't get it, just let me know so I can move on.

Went to hubby's family reunion Saturday. It was ok. Weather was good, food was great. Someone brought pickled corn....mmmmmmm....I love me some pickled corn!

I have a lot of work to do before I leave in just a few hours. I can't get any more than 40 hours every week for the next 4 weeks so I can better qualify for state insurance. I tried to come into work late, got up 30 minutes later than usual, took my time getting ready, Lilly took her time and I still got here only 10 minutes later than usual. I was going to take a long lunch and go over to the mall, but I walked across the street to the court house anyway. I need to take baby daddy back to court since school starts soon and he can't get her on Thursdays anymore. I thought it was going to at least take me a half an hour in there....I was in and out before my screen saver came on my computer. Then, I thought I could go ahead and walk to the 3 blocks to the mall, but it looks like its going to I just clocked back in. I'm leaving in like 2 hours. Joy. Its going to be a bit hard paying the bills next month, but it should all be worth it. I'd rather have one month of struggling than 9 months of not being able to pay the doctor bills.

Went to go see Eclipse with my bff. We were a bit disappointed. I think you need to see these movies before you read the books. Yeah, the books explain a hell of a lot more than the movies do and you understand it better, but the books just kinda ruin the movies for you. You go with these really high expectations because the books were awesome and very well written...and then the movie is slow and they can't act very well. Yes...I'm a Twilight fan. Its not because of the vampires or the werewolves or the "hot" guys in the movies....its because I liked the books and loved the style that they were written. BTW.... I couldn't stop laughing at Edward (the main love interest of the human for those of you who don't know) because he looks like he wants to throw up half of the time. When he's trying to be serious, or trying to look emotionally hurt....he looks like he's going to upchuck.

Took some great pictures while we were at the family reunion. There was an awesome overlook. Here are some of them. The beautiful mountains of WV!! Btw..the pics were taken with my phone, so please excuse the blurriness and such.

And a deer

Answer to the trivia....... you didn't guess that.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

week 13

Your Pregnancy: Week 13~Welcome to the last week of your first trimester. Any day now you'll start to feel your energy (and libido!) return. You may even be able to hold down a bite of food. Imagine that! Take advantage of your new robust status and go out to dinner, catch a movie or take that last big pre-baby vacay. Trust us, do it now, because in a few months you'll be too big to sausage yourself into the airplane seats (even if you can afford first class!).Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on...

What You're Thinking: "OK, fine, my skinny jeans aren't working anymore—and my "fat day" clothes don't even fit. I'm going shopping and I'm not coming back until I've got something I look fabulous in."

Your Body~Say hello to the girls! Your boobs are probably looking pretty glorious at this point. You can thank your hormones for your newfound cleavage. (Yes, those same hormones that had you hugging the porcelain throne for the past 12 weeks. See, they're not all bad!) Estrogen and progesterone are stimulating the milk-producing glands in your boobs and making them grow, grow, grow. Your belly may be popping out a bit now as well. If you're feeling "huge" already, just wait. You ain't seen nothing yet! All women start showing at different times in their pregnancies, so don't stress if you're not obviously pregnant ... or if you already look like you're in your 14th month.You may experience a little milky discharge "down there" this week—it's nothing to worry about. As your pregnancy continues, you can expect more of this leucorrhea (that's the technical term for it).

Your Baby~ Your baby can make a fist and even suck his or her thumb this week—both skills that are ├╝ber-cute during infancy ... and not so much at the age of 9. If you're really lucky, you might catch a glimpse of baby's thumb sucking on an ultrasound photo. That's a framer! Other exciting developments include:Your baby's eyelids are fused shut to protect his eyes as they develop. His bones and skull are solidifying and soon itsy-bitsy ribs may appear. (Baby ribs! How cute is that?!) Baby's intestines are finally right where you want them—in his or her belly instead of poking out into the umbilical cord. Baby's tooth sockets are all loaded and ready to pop out baby teeth six or seven months after baby is born (causing baby a lot of pain and you a lot of lost sleep).Who's that singing? Elton John? Could be your baby: His vocal cords and larynx are completed now.Your baby-to-be now weighs about 20 grams and is nearly 3 inches long, or about the size of a Nutter Butter, covered in chocolate. OK, it doesn't have to be covered in chocolate, but isn't everything better that way?

Your Life~Your baggy jeans and sweats are barely making the cut, but you're swimming in official "maternity clothes." For this awkward in-between stage, try these money-saving tips. (Bonus: They'll be useful on the other side, too, as you (im)patiently wait for the baby weight to come off.)Buy only a few pieces at a time since it's hard to predict how quickly you'll grow. Treat yourself every few weeks to a little retail therapy at Target, Old Navy, H&M or Forever 21—a store that doesn't sell maternity wear but is what one woman called "the teenage pregnancy store" thanks to its mass appeal to both high-schoolers and trendy moms-to-be.Don't be shy about borrowing clothes from a relative, friend or even your husband.Consider buying a belly band to cover your unbuttoned pants or too-short shirt. Or get some Belly Ups or b-buckles to help keep your non-maternity jeans from falling down until you're ready to move up to traditional maternity wear. Who needs "maternity clothes" when you can buy regular clothing in stretchy materials, longer lengths or a size larger than usual? It's a way of pulling off "your style" ... just more of your style.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

starting to get bigger.

I've only gained one pound, but my pants are fitting way tight now. Only 13 weeks and its already time to get clothes....sigh

So I had my first real doctors appointment today and I still don't really know anything other than I'm depressed and the doctor wants me to see someone. I mean...I kinda knew it, and I even told hubby that I thought I was and I might want to go see someone, but money stood in the way. If by some chance I do get the state insurance and it covers a psychologist, I will go. Being pregnant kinda heightens my depression a little. I think that's why I've been crying a lot more lately. Its not just the hormones, its the depression on top of it all.

We got to hear the baby's heartbeat for a while this time. Didn't get an ultrasound done though. This visit they asked a lot of questions, did a pap smear, and then sent me to get some blood work done. I was there for 3 hours. 45 minutes of that was spent in the waiting room because no one knew I was there even though I did sign in. I finally got tired of waiting and went up to the window and they had forgotten about me. I was so mad. Then, another half an hour as spent waiting to get blood work done. Even though I was the only one in the waiting room and there was 3 people back there, I waited 30 minutes or more.

In 4 weeks I get to go back to the doctor. Hard to tell what they will do then. I don't really remember too much about doctor visits with my last pregnancy. The doc was asking me all these questions about last time and I just couldn't remember. I told her that I did use a doc that was in the same hospital and I'm sure they still have my chart there if she really wants to know. Like one of the things was, I told her that I thought I had gestational diabetes last time. I remember drinking the horrible chalk like crap and almost passing out. I don't remember what happened after that, if they took blood or what, but I do remember being told that I have it, but I don't remember what they did about it. I swear all they did was give me a shot right before I gave birth, but I can't remember. The doc said that it doesn't sound right. That if I did have it I would have had to take meds, watch my diet, and prick my finger to check my sugar several times a day..but I didn't do any of that. So I don't know.

In about 6 weeks, I get to get my ultrasound to figure out if its a boy or a girl. WOOHOO!!! Hopefully by then we'll have a house, or at least a bigger place and I can start decorating the baby's room in the appropriate colors. Still haven't heard anything on the loan for the house yet. No news is good news though, right?

They said that if I can't get the state insurance when I try again that they can write off all the work that is done at the hospital. The only things they won't be able to is lab work, ultrasounds, and the actual delivery. So that's still a big hunk of change right there. I seriously don't think I will be able to get it. My paycheck that I get tomorrow is gonna be way less than usual and if I can just get 2 in a row like that, I would be fine...but its so hard to get 2 in a row. The paycheck I get at the end of the month is going to be pay for 3 weeks..with like 25 hours overtime on it. I can't not get overtime. I need to pay my month to month bills. After I get Lilly out of day care and into Kindergarten, I should be able to stop getting so much overtime, but until then, I need it. Especially with hubby still unemployed and not looking for a job. I told him last week that since he was going to be in town with me that he should go to the unemployment office to apply for some of the jobs they have posted....some are excellent jobs. I even printed him off a bunch of them so he could take them in with him. I reminded him yesterday, last night and this morning to go and apply. He picked me up, we went to the doc, he dropped me back off at work, and then turned to go home. I sent him a text saying, "So you didn't go did you?" and he has yet to send anything back to me. I sent him another saying, "So that's a no?" and still nothing. So I sent him one last one saying, "ummm....ok then." I have this little sliver of hope that he did go. I know he didn't but I can still hope.

I know I haven't written anything in almost a week.....its been so busy....and I have been so upset and pissed off at times, I didn't want to write and do nothing but bitch about everything. Even though that's what I need. I need to get my emotions out there....but I just.....I don't know....moving on.

Lilly had fun camping, but was excited to come home. I missed her so much. Bought her a bunch of stuff while she was gone. I told her that I would get her some surprises..and I did. She got some jewelry, a water ball thingy (a ball that you can put water balloons in and you set a timer, toss the ball back and forth and it pops...whoever is caught with the ball gets wet), some tattoos and a pair of shoes. I'm saving her shoes for Christmas though. I bought them 1/2 size bigger so she would have a good pair when she needs them, so she can wait 5 more months for that.

On our way to get Lilly on car tried to overheat. I've been telling hubby for over a month that my antifreeze was low and he did nothing. He won't let me do anything to my car, even though I know what to do. So it got empty, or leaked...something...and we had to pull over. I yelled a little cuz he should have paid attention to what I've been telling him. Thankfully baby daddy met me where we broke down and he even offered to give me and Lilly a ride if we needed it, but I told him we were good and he could go. After 2 days without a car, hubby and his dad finally fixed it. I'm just glad that I didn't have to replace the engine....again. I had to do that 3 years ago and engines aren't cheap!

So, yeah..... that's a nice little recap I guess.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Week 12

I don't know why people would wait so long to tell others that they are pregnant. I told everyone as soon as I found out, both times. Here at work it seemed like the girls didn't start saying anything until they were barely showing. Why? I just don't understand.
This website I've been using to do my weekly posts about the baby makes having a baby sound worse than it is. Talks about not being able to do anything ever again, like have a romantic meal with your significant other, go grocery shopping, hang out with friends, have any time to yourself...that's not the case. I don't know who wrote the stuff on that site, but its all ridiculous. There are babysitters, the baby does actually sleep, you can take the baby places with you like shopping or visiting friends and family. I think that's what it is... I've heard about and know of a lot of people that don't think they can do anything just because they have a child. Some of them won't even take a shower or clean the house unless they take the kid somewhere else or have someone over to watch them. That's crazy nonsense. BTW...a lot of babies can sleep through the sound of a vacuum.
One thing that's funny, if you read below, that I do gag now when I brush my teeth. Its not the brushing that gets to me, its when I go to spit everything out. That's when I gag. Oh, and I can't even hold anything in my mouth anymore without gagging. I tried biting on a pen yesterday cuz my hands were full and I didn't know what else to do with it while I walked to my desk..... and I gagged and had to spit the pen out which made me gag more.
And I really do not like it when people touch my tummy when I'm pregnant. Its ok if hubby does it...its his kid. And Lilly can to....but it just bothers me when other people do it and some don't even ask...they just go right in there and start touching and rubbing the tummy. I'm not showing yet, so people aren't doing it yet, but last time......I wanted to punch some people in their face. I have never touched another pregnant woman's stomach unless she specifically asks if I want to....and I only will if the baby is moving or something like that.

Your Pregnancy: Week 12~If you've kept the news of your pregnancy in a lockbox so far, now is a good time to break the news ... likely by shouting, "I'm pregnant!" at all your friends and family and probably several strangers. Try to tell people in person when possible and then prepare to be assaulted with hugs and hands groping at your belly. But be kind: They're doing it out of love and curiosity. And, hey, you're pregnant! It's all good!Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...

What You're Thinking: "Finally I can tell everybody that I'm not getting fat, I'm just pregnant!"

Your Body~You can barely brush your teeth without gagging so the mere thought of visiting the dentist may make you retch. Still, healthy teeth and gums are especially important during pregnancy as poor dental care can lead to a variety of problems such as pregnancy-related gingivitis and periodontal disease, neither of which sound like any fun at all. Plus, poor dental health during pregnancy has been associated with premature and low-birth-weight babies. Book an appointment, but be sure to let your dentist know you're expecting, so you can avoid dental X-rays. If you notice strange lumps on your gums, don't worry. It's just another perk of being preggo. Many women develop harmless, non-cancerous oral tumors when pregnant. And just when you were feeling really sexy ...

Your Baby~Baby's face is looking more human as his eyes have moved to the front of his head and his ears are in place. Hooray! Other amazing fetal highlights this week: Your baby is able to swallow this week and practices on the amniotic fluid he or she floats in. (And you thought baby food was kind of nasty!) And in case you're wondering how your kid can breathe in all that fluid, here's your answer: Fetuses get oxygen from the blood pumped into their bodies by the placenta and don't breathe with their lungs. Mystery solved! This is kind of gross, albeit fascinating, so feel free to skip ahead: Your baby's intestines are well under way, but they aren't all where you'd expect them to be. Instead of all being locked away in the body cavity, some are dangling on the outside, in the umbilical cord. Ewwww. Don't forget to put a baby nail file on your registry—your little nugget's finger- and toenails are forming this week. The chin and nose are also becoming more defined. Junior has doubled in size over the past two weeks and now weighs almost ½ ounce. He's also now around 2 ½ inches long, about the length of your pinky finger or a Vienna sausage, which, in a few months, will be indistinguishable from one another.

Your Life~Once baby's here, the chances of you remembering to shop for food, never mind actually eating, are slim to none. So prepare a cheat sheet for a designated grocery getter now:Write out a week's worth of your favorite quick and easy meals. (Looking for new ideas? Check out our Weekly Meal Planner.) Not feeling up to going out? Then stay in—just make sure to stay stocked up on the food you need to make healthy meals and snacks. You will never fully appreciate the luxury of food shopping by yourself until you have a baby. So why not head to a local farmers market and browse the aisles alone? Pick up fresh veggies and make a pasta primavera dinner for you and your partner. The same dinner post-baby will most likely consist of mac and cheese with frozen peas.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Half of the roads to get out of the city I work in were closed yesterday and it took me half an hour to get out. I had a bad day yesterday anyway and this just added icing to the cake.

I ate some grilled chicken yesterday without any problems. Hopefully getting sick over meat was just a few day thing. I don't know what I'd do if meat continuously made me sick. How would I cook for everyone? How would I go grocery shopping? Hopefully its over. I'm always hungry. I wake up hungry, eat a fruit salad for breakfast...couple hours later I'm hungry again. I hold off until lunch time, have a salad or sandwich, and a couple hours later I'm hungry. Eat an orange or pop tart or something small...and by the time I get home I feel like I haven't eaten all day. Ate some grilled chicken and a baked potato and sure enough, like 2 hours later I was starving. So I ate a cheese the time I get ready to go to bed, I'm starving again. I ignore it and try to sleep, but my growling stomach wakes me several times at night. I wake up... I'm hungry. Its such a vicious cycle. And I don't understand why I'm so incredibly hungry ALL the time. I don't really think that's normal. I'm only 12 weeks along. The baby is so tiny, I shouldn't be like this already. I'm gonna have to write down a bunch of questions and get them ready for the doc next week. Being hungry, being in pain, the weird sickness around meat.... I know some of it may be normal, but I'm gonna ask anyway. Everything is just so different this time around. Like I've said before, my pregnancy with Lilly was wonderful.... so far its the opposite. I'm almost always miserable, I'm always hungry, always tired, so emotional and crying all the time over anything and everything, all the pain....

Crying....over.....everything. I cried the other night because I was just so happy. I cried in traffic yesterday because I was so frustrated. I cry when I watch tv. I cry when I think too much. I cry when I'm mad. I cry when I'm tired. I hate it.

Hubby is suppose to call the lady at the bank about our loan today....if he remembers or isn't too mad at me. I asked him yesterday at like 3 am to not play games on his phone when I get home from work at all. I even specifically said not to wait until I fall asleep and then jump on the phone.... and that's just what he did. I wake up at 12:30 last night and there he is playing on his phone. I get up and go to the couch. I'm so mad. He finally puts everything down and has the audacity to ask me what's wrong. After about a half an hour I go back to bed. When I wake up to get ready for work, I write him a little note saying how disappointed I was that he couldn't even do that one thing for me. He is ALWAYS on that damn phone playing games or getting on facebook. I knew it was a huge mistake getting these phones. He's up til 3 or 4 in the morning every day playing around on his phone....and then he sleeps until noon. I asked him not to play around on his phone because I'm tired of fighting it for attention and always losing. I'm sure Lilly feels the same way. He was even playing around on it while playing with Lilly last week. Phone in one hand, toy in the other, but his eyes were on his phone. I asked him that night to please not be on it so much while me and Lilly are home, but that's when he started staying up late playing on it. I will never win. He has all day while I'm at work to do whatever. I don't know. It just really upset me to find him playing on it after I asked him not to. One day, that's all I wanted.

My tummy is already growling this morning and me being scatter brained lately forgot to pack any kind of breakfast. I'm gonna have to go somewhere and get something..... wait.... I just found an orange.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

fruit and salads again

So I went to the class on Friday and yeah.... it was kinda pointless. I did get some paperwork done, so I don't have to do that later. I was, however, the only girl in there that went alone. I didn't think the class was going to much of anything so I told hubby he can come if he wants, but he doesn't have to. I kinda do wish he would have went so he can see all the things that I am going through and am going to go through.

I'm having problems eating meat, smelling meat, or even looking at meat. It started a couple days ago when we went to hubby's parents house for a kind of cook out and I couldn't finish my steak and I got sick to my stomach. That night we went grocery shopping and we came across the meat section and I wanted to throw up. Then we went to my moms mom's grandma.... and I couldn't eat chicken wings. I got the hot dog down, but that was it. After there we went to my dad's mom's house and I ate some ham with no problem, but last night I made some chicken and I could only eat about half of it before I started to get sick. I haven't thrown up yet because of it, but I have come awfully close to it.

Well....Lilly is camping. She called me last night and she's having fun. She's been swimming and fishing and she even caught a fish. I get her back in 5 days!! I miss her. She hasn't been gone very long, but I miss her.

Haven't heard anything about the loan for the house yet. I think I'm give her until tomorrow and then give her a call. I'd hate to call her cuz she said she would call us when she knew something, but she also said it would only take about a week to know something. I don't know if things were delayed due to the holiday or what, but its been over a week. I'm getting kinda anxious. I need to know if we got it or not. If not, then we gotta start looking for a bigger place to rent for a while.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Week 11

I have been way overly emotional lately. I've been crying more than usual. Mood swings have been kinda brutal too...but I have been trying to keep those to myself. Usually when I'm in the car alone is when I will let everything out and scream if I need to. I've just been giving the silent treatment at home when I feel my moods change quickly because I don't want to say something I don't mean to say. I know I didn't get to post week 10, but we are just going to move on. We're skipping that week. My alien is beginning to look a little more like a person.....kinda.

Your Pregnancy: Week 11~Pregnancy is about indulging and abstaining, all at once. You'll be saying both, "Oooh, another scoop of ice cream? Sure, make it two!" and "No wine. Just water for me, thanks." You have 29 weeks of this all-or-nothing living to go, so focus on the perks (whipped cream, chocolate sauce and a cherry, anyone?) and think how great all the stuff you can't do now will be when you can do it later.Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...
What You're Thinking: "I am not crazy for crying like a little girl during the cheerleading championship on ESPN. Those girls work hard!"
Your Body~Finally the excuse "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" is legit! Thanks to all the new and extreme hormones surging through your body, many women experience increased headaches while pregnant. And since you're limited in which pain relievers you can take while pregnant, getting rid of a nasty headache may be especially difficult. While acetaminophen (like Tylenol) is considered safe during pregnancy, other pain relievers like ibuprofen should be avoided. If you want to avoid taking any medication, there are a few alternative headache remedies, like cold compresses and exercise, that can help. Unfortunately, women who have a tendency to get migraines tend to get more of them during pregnancy. Talk to your doctor if you're having trouble coping.
Your Baby~All of your baby's vital organs are now formed and functioning, so the risk of defects decreases this week as your baby becomes less susceptible to outside influences. Phew! Other exciting developments include: Baby's ears are assuming their proper place this week and the fingernail and toenail beds are beginning to form. Your little "pumpkin head" really lives up to his nickname as his head is nearly as big as the rest of his body.While testes or ovaries are completely formed now, don't start decorating the nursery. You won't be able to see your baby's gender for a few more weeks yet.In the next nine weeks, your baby will increase 30 times in weight and almost triple in length. You might feel like you're increasing 30 times in weight at this point, too, but we can assure you're not—because, honey, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Your baby now weighs a third of an ounce, about the same as two small, Starbucks-sized packets of sugar, is about 2 inches long, the length of one of those sugar packets. Isn't that sweet?