Thursday, June 27, 2013

Still Breathing

Today is my mother's birthday. She's 51 today. My mom. I've learned so much from her and so much about real life. I've learned not to rely on other people, that you must be strong. I've learned how a child's heart can break when you want nothing to do with them. I've learned that a day without food won't kill me, but to a child, they think they are. I've learned that I can do whatever I want at any given time. I've learned that popcorn straight out of the microwave can burn. My mom's always seemed to do her own thing. My best memories of her from my childhood is me and her grocery shopping. That's about all I have. I still love her. She's my mom. I'll never have another one.
As I've grown older, we've grown closer. Having Lilly did help our relationship a bit. There's still plenty we don't agree on and we argue over how she treats my youngest brother. Even when we aren't getting along, we still call each other. Its weird in way. Most women grow up saying that they don't want to turn into their mother... I don't and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. For starters, my kids are number one and my needs get put on the back burner. For two, I am in better health. I don't sit there and blow smoke in my kids faces while stuffing my face full of potato chips. 3- I know how to care for other people. She gave me the opportunity to mature early. I grew up. Someone had to be the adult. So, here I am, 27 and I feel like I'm 80 most days.
Couldn't sleep again last night. The storm was keeping me up as well as my brain. Stupid brain just doesn't know its bedtime. I finally told hubby a little about my paranoia last night. He didn't say much.
I did a little research today and found out that my birth control very well may be the thing that's making me bat-shit crazy. Depression, nervousness, weight gain, headaches, leg cramps and low libido are all side-effects and I suffer from all. I do want to throw in bi-polar as well. Further reading into the side-effects made me want to go to a doctor about the leg cramps. It could mean a blood clot and I could die from it. So... I'm making me an appointment tomorrow. I've picked a doctor today that is walking distance from work. I'll tell them about my leg cramps and maybe throw in the depression on the first visit.
Lilly is going camping with her father this weekend. I really hope they remember to put sunscreen on her and reapply. She got burned last week while at his house.
No more weight loss. I went running Sunday and again Tuesday and I'm hoping to either go again tonight for tomorrow night. I'm eating right. I'm tracking all of my food. I don't understand why the scales aren't moving.
I think I want to try to give my blog some kind of direction instead of just making this a journal like place. I have no idea which direction I should take it. I've been reading quite a few blogs lately and they seem to just focus on one thing for each entry. I just ramble on and see where it takes me. Which I'm about to continue to do.
I need to try to have a yardsale. I just don't know how. I've never done it and I have so much stuff. I don't want to go to the basement, bring a load upstairs, take it outside, organize and arrange it and then have to go back down to the basemen to do it all over again. It'll take me all day to get that done. Maybe I could have a couple small ones instead of one big one, but I don't want people to not stop by because they were there the weekend before... ya know.. I'll have more stuff... different stuff.. come buy my stuff!!
I even thought about renting the community building, but even that would require me running up and down the basement stairs, loading it into my car, out of my car, in the building to organize and arrange and then back to my house for more to do it all over again for a few more trips. I just have soooo much stuff. I even thought about just organizing it all in my basement and having the people go down there and get what they want to buy. That way I don't have to lug it up the stair in so many trips.... but I don't want strangers walking through my house. If I had an outside door to my basement, it would be different, but you have to go through my house. I need to figure something out. I need to get my basement cleaned out.
Something I've learned... everyone has several sides to them. You're crazy, you're silly, you're quiet, you're loud, you're outgoing, you're reserved, you're into sports, you like to read.... there's so many sides to a person. Every other person that you are close with like friends, family, co-workers... you are you, but you are the you that you choose to be around them. I really don't think anyone can say, "You're the only one that knows the real me." Do you even know the real you? Does your boyfriend know the side of you that your mom knows? Does your girlfriend know the side of you that your brothers know? Do you act the kind of silly around your husband that you do with your best friend? Do you really tell someone ALL of your secrets, ALL of your thoughts? I saw someone post, "because he's the only one that knows the real me" on Facebook and it got me thinking if my husband knew the real me. He does, the real me that I am around him. Around my brothers I'm a different kind of goofy and a different kind of serious. Around my best friend I'm a different kind of caring and a different kind of silliness. Which one could really be the REAL me? They're all sides of me. Its all me. Its always just me. I think the people you are with brings out the different sides of you. I've heard, "you bring out the best in people" but does that mean that you are your best around them? Rants almost over.... If you don't act, talk, or think the same way around your significant other like you do your best friend, a sister or even your parents... then they don't know the real you because that part of you is still you. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Holy Cow

I am so tired today. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having the same boring dream over and over again. I was in my kitchen making my salad for the next day's lunch. THAT'S IT! After all of my horrible dreams that have me up every other night, a salad is what keeps me up now. It was just so boring! I woke up every half an hour and when I went back to sleep, there was my salad again. It was a looooooooong night.
5 year anniversary was Friday. He got me a chocolate diamond necklace and here I am with only a wooden figurine to give him. We went out to eat kind of late and ended up at a place that Lilly wouldn't eat. I told him to go somewhere else, but he kept insisting.
Saturday we took the kids to the pool and they had a blast. Hubby didn't so much. 2 little boys kept following us around the pool and splashing him. I got a good laugh out of it. Later that night I took the kids out to catch fireflies.
Sunday, hubby went to Ohio to get fireworks. Me and the kids had a picnic and a water balloon fight. After I realized that Zach wasn't going to nap, we went out for some frozen yogurt. Hubby got home about the same time we did.
I think I need my eyes examined again. I can see fine, except when I'm on the computer. Everything gets all blurry.
The fire fighter who got arrested back in February for shooting at his wife and kids at a grocery store's parking lot, was released on a property bond Friday. He and hubby don't quite see eye to eye because he is dating hubby's sister. A move by her that we don't understand or support. She has 4 kids and I'm pretty sure she kicked her husband of 20 years out and divorced him so she could be with this guy. Things have been rough with her for a few months and this other guy has been in jail. But now he's out and his trial isn't until September. I'm now scared to be home without hubby. This guy shot at his kids and  his wife and then dumped the gun at Lilly's school. Its hard to tell what else he has planned for anyone else. I know he and hubby are going to end up fighting before this is all over. Hubby's oldest nephew has been reporting back to us everything that's been going on. Hubby's nephew spent his 16 birthday by himself mowing the grass while his mom and her boyfriend were out. Later that night, his mom was out with the boyfriend and someone tried to break into her house. He called his mom. She didn't come home. Hubby went over and made sure everything was ok. And to top everything off, this jailbird is flirting with hubby's 13 year old niece and her mom either can't see it or doesn't care. She's sitting on this guy's lap! He's always hugging on her. A lot is going on with this guy and I don't like it. He hasn't even been out of jail for a week yet and I'm already a nervous wreck. He's even out running fire calls again. Thankfully, I think they found a way to be able to kick him off the fire station without him being able to fight it. I know where my gun is, the clip is in, but not all the way. All it'll take is me 3 seconds to push the clip in and cock it. It just blows my mind that hubby's sister is letting him stay at her house around her kids and flirt with her daughter. What the hell??!!
It was actually to the point where I was considering her a really close friend. We got along great and I liked hanging out with her. But then she pulls this. I don't trust the guy. I don't trust her judgment. I'm scared for what's going to happen. I pray for her kids every night.
OH, and get this... the night before he pulled the gun on his wife and kids, this guy takes all of the guns that are in his name and takes them to his dad's house except the one that he used. Planned? I do think so.
So, this is what has been consuming my mind. Saturday, when me and the kids were out in the yard in the dark catching fireflies, hubby leaves in a rush. Doesn't say a word. Runs out of the house, gets in his truck and leaves. He doesn't turn toward the main road like he's going to the fire station. He heads the other way towards where this guy's house is. First thing that runs through my head is, "OMG, he went to his house and his wife was there and they are fighting." Or something. I thought something horrible happened. He's not allowed around his house until the divorce is final. So, I rush the kids in the house and get them in bed where I know where they are. Grab my gun and lock all the doors. I turn as many lights on as I can without it looking weird. I stand in the hallway before the kids bedrooms where I can see the front door and hear everything else. I'm ready. Hubby comes home and says that it was just a fire call for a brush fire, but it turned out that it was a controlled burn. And guess who else was running the call... jailbird! In hubby's sister's van, with her and her daughter there too. Hubby said he didn't even get out of his truck. He just sat there and watched.
My next thought is going to the July 4th party we always go to at hubby's best friends parent's house. That's where we always set off fireworks that they went to Ohio for. I bet jailbird shows up there. He's always gone and 'helped' set off the fireworks. He mostly ends up knocking them over or getting in the way. I hope he's smart enough to not show. After that is the fire fighter picnic. I hope if they find a way to get him suspended from the station, he can't go to this either.
I've never liked the guy. From day one, I despised him. There was just something about him that I couldn't stand. I told hubby several times that I hated being around him, that he's nothing but a no good drunk who if probably on drugs. "No, he's a good family man." is what hubby would say. He drank beer like it was water, didn't give a damn about his kids and always looked high on something. Everyone loved him. He was a hoot to be around. A guy to go to for a good laugh. I was the only one who didn't like him and everyone thought I was crazy. So.... a couple weekends ago, I threw the ol' "I told you so" in hubby's face. I probably shouldn't have, but for 5 years, I've been warning him about this guy. I don't hate people for no good reason. There's always a reason even if I don't know it. I like most of his friends. It was just this one guy and there's one girl I can't stand and I can blame hubby for her being around. We went out to eat with a group years and years ago and she was our waitress. One guy thought she was cute. Hubby gave her the guy's number, even though I told him not to. All they do is fight now. Married 3 years, I think. Can't stand her.
I went running Sunday and got my pace per mile down to 13:39. By the time of the first race, I want to be down to around 10 minutes per mile. Which means that I need to get out more. If we don't hit up Walmart tonight, I'm going running. I'm saving up time at work so I can leave early on Friday's and go running from work.....if its not too hot and humid. I don't want to pass out or anything. I'm only down 16.4 pounds and I should be further along by now. I need to kick this into gear and run more.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Weekend Do Over!!

Lilly's gone for a week. I dropped her off Saturday to her dad so she could spend Father's Day with him and have a week down there too. My 5 year anniversary is Friday. The city is having its 150th WV celebration. Fireworks, boat rides, concerts, art walks.. all kinds of fun stuff the weekend of my anniversary. I told hubby I'd love to come down.. even if it was just for the fireworks. I doubt we will though. He didn't seem too thrilled about it. He has plans that weekend to go to Ohio with his buddies to get our own fireworks. They sure did pick a nice weekend to go. 5 years of marriage and he's going to be in Ohio and I'm spending the day with my little man. Oh, and we're gonna have fun. I'm taking Zach out to eat and we'll go to the park and who knows what else we'll get into.
Yesterday, Father's Day... was... sucky. I thought we'd go to his parent's house like we always do, but his dad isn't feeling well and his mom just had knee surgery. It rained. Zach didn't nap all day, so he was a bit grouchy. Ok, back up.. Saturday the kids gave him gifts from Lilly and the one from both of them. He got a new beach towel and a cup with his favorite NASCAR driver. He had to work. He only stayed there about an hour. I took the kids to a birthday party then we went home to play. Hubby called and I met him at his parents house so the kids could give grandpa his gift. We went home and hubby mowed and Zach napped. I left with Lilly while Zach napped to drop her off. I came back home and hubby was working on the dog house. Note that this is day 4 of working on the dog house. His cousin comes over to help. I thaw steaks to grill. Time goes by. I put Zach to bed. I go take a look at the dog house... and I thought they'd be further along than they were. Whatever. No dinner at all.
Sunday, Zach gives hubby his gift-grill set with the fire fighter emblem. Hubby goes to work, takes my car because his is leaking something. He's gone for a couple of hours. Me and Zach play outside, do laundry, play with Oreo. Hubby comes home and goes straight to work on the dog house. He leaves to get more wood, leaving all the tools in the yard, knowing its about to rain and asks me to take the tools in the garage when it does start. I agree. I get Zach inside to try to feed him dinner, get a bath and take a nap, but all he does is cry. I finally get him calmed down and the second he quits crying, he is asleep.... on me.  Anytime I move, he starts crying. I sit there and wait a while. My phone is on silent and in my back pocket. Hubby gets home, swings open the door and starts yelling at me for not answering my phone or taking the tools in because its raining. I apologize and he slams the door. Zach is awake and crying now. Thanks. Zach finally quits crying enough to tell me he wants to go outside. So, out we go. I do finally get him to eat some fish sticks. 8:30, I put Zach to bed. The dog house is nearly done by now. Hubby wants to put shingles on the roof of it. 5 days... working on it for 4 to 5 hours each day...
I order pizza and hubby picks it up and rents the movie Snitch. I told him before he went that he'd end up watching it alone because its already late and I knew Zach wouldn't sleep well because he was too tired and his allergies were kicking up. 9:15, the movie goes in. 10:30, I go to bed. As soon as I crawl in bed, AS SOON, Zach starts crying. I tend to him. 10 minutes later, he peed the bed and is crying again. I ask hubby for help and we get everything cleaned up and him back in bed. Then Zach had me up from midnight until about 2:00 when hubby's fire pager went off for a fire. Hubby lays in bed for a few minutes, gets up and goes cleans up, brushes his teeth and gets dressed before he leaves. I then lay in bed and listen to the pager until I just can't listen anymore. I have no idea what time it was when I finally put it up and went to bed. 5:00, hubby comes home to take a shower and go to work. Neither one of us got any sleep.
It was just a 'not so great' weekend. I've had worse, but I was kind of expecting it to be better than that.
Today at work is crazy hectic. My boss is at the beach and there's crap going on that she should be here for.
Friday at Relay was ok. I was a little disappointed in the turn out. Lilly and Zach had plenty of fun though and I made sure they ate tons of junk. They had hot dogs, snow cones, cookies, ice cream, chips.. Lilly had taco in a bag instead of hot dogs. Lilly hoola hooped, and they both played with 'swords'- cut up pool noodles. We got them glo sticks, necklaces and bracelets and the bracelets kept leaking. We got about 5, and they kept breaking and leaking. When we were leaving, my hands were glowing. The ceremony was ok. Zach was getting tired at this point and was crying. Lilly fell asleep on the way home.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Relay is Today

Birthday went ok, I guess. Gals at work got me a cake and a gift card. Lilly made me a card and hubby gave me the gift I already knew about. He bought me an ice cream cake.. I told him last time that I really don't like ice cream cake, but he got one anyway... and I ate a piece of it last night anyway. I'll eat it. I'm not a fan, but I'll eat it.
I've got my Pandora station set on 90's pop music just to take me back in time. Salt n Peppa's song "Shoop" just came on. I didn't realize just how dirty that song is! I had their CD when I was like 10 or something. Cracks me up.
Tonight is Relay and I'm excited. Its not hitting me this year like it has in past years. I actually forgot about it last night. Lilly asked me what time we had to "be at that thing." And I told her we weren't going anywhere tomorrow. She had to remind me.. "the cancer thing, mom.. at the capitol" Oh, yeah! That!! I haven't donated any items for the Bingo, I didn't really do much to decorate my luminary bags. I let Zach scribble on one in memory of Aunt Hope, Lilly did one in honor of Maw Maw Agnes, and I did mine in memory of Mary.. my friend that died of lung cancer 3 years ago. I invited her daughter, who is a little older than me, but she's in North Dakota right now.
I walked to the mall yesterday, its just 2 blocks away from work, just to look around. It was my birthday and I didn't want to be at work. It was all nice and sunny when I left. Not 10 minutes later, it was storming. I had to go buy an umbrella at Hallmark and then I hung out at Qdoba's and had lunch until the rain let up enough for me to get to work. It was a mess! Hard rain, strong winds. I sat near the window and watched people running through it. Good entertainment. I saw my second boyfriend at Qdoba's. I was looking out the window while in line and he was behind me and he said, "You look familiar." I looked at him and my jaw dropped. I thought he was dead! The last time I heard from him was the day before I had Lilly. I saw him and his brother at the mall and he told me he was moving to Taiwan. Haven't heard from him since. It was weird. He only works a few blocks from me. A mechanic. Most of my exes are mechanics, it seems. I didn't think to ask him if he had kids or anything, I was in shock that he was alive.
This morning, the dog was impossible!! Hubby woke me up and told me to make sure the kids stay away from him because he poopped on the porch and then rolled in it. I got dressed and Zach woke up. Got him up, put him in his bean bag chair and turned on cartoons. I wen to move my car out of the garage so the kids could go through the front door and not see the dog at all. Get back in the house and Zach is outside with Oreo! I cleaned him up then I went to untangle the dog because he wrapped himself around the picnic table. I got the stuff all over me... my hands, my shoes, my pants. I had to clean up and change clothes. I got the kids ready and looked out the door and he was tangled up again! I went back out there and had to change and clean up again! Didn't occur to me until I made it to work that I should have moved the picnic table to the other side of the porch so he couldn't reach it.
Left my cell phone at home too. I feel kinda lost without it. I left it laying on the bed when I went to go change clothes. I kept trying to tell myself to go back and get it, but Zach kept trying to get back out to the dog and I was getting aggravated.
Hoping to leave work kinda early today. Planning on going home, giving the dog a bath, washing off the porch, packing for Relay and then getting the kids, bring them home to get ready and wait on hubby to come home and shower. Can't believe I forgot my phone. That's the first time in like 2 years. I forgot it once when Zach was a baby. Lack of sleep and trying to remember everything else got to me. I called hubby this morning and told him and called mom and told her. I didn't want them to call or something and I not pick up and it cause some panic. I know that the day care will call hubby if they don't get a hold of me.
Ok... going to lunch. Its a little early, but I want to leave early today.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Its My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

Sitting here at work on my 27th birthday and I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. When I was 18, I thought I had everything planned. I was going to have an awesome job by now and one that I actually love. I was supposed to have 3 kids or having the third one soon. I was supposed to have my dream house with the wrap around porch, huge kitchen, 2 stories, out in the country where the kids could ride their bikes on a dirt road. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to know my purpose.
Why do I always have to make my birthdays so depressing? My babies are getting older. My little cute babies that I used to hold and rock and pinch their cheeks. The babies who would press their open mouth to my cheek to give me kisses. The babies who would smile just at the sight of me. The babies that would giggle when I used their foot as a microphone. The babies that would cuddle and lay with me for hours while I watched tv. What happened to those babies?
What happened to me? Someone so full of energy and life has slowly began to die. I used to have friends. I used to do stuff. I used to have dreams and ambition. I used to have drive. I used to think that I could take on the world, that I was empowering, I was unstoppable, that I could do anything. What happened to that part of me? Now, I'm sitting at a job I hate, driving a car I hate, having the same every day routine, married to a man who I don't think loves me anymore, watching my kids grow up way too fast, not knowing where I want my life to go.
If I rubbed a lamp and a genie popped out and granted me 3 wishes to better my life and only for myself... not my kids or anyone else, I have no idea what I would ask for. Happiness... but how can that be defined as to what would make me happy? Health? To be skinny? Money? Friends? Time?
I think what I really want is for my kids to need me and for my husband to appreciate and respect me. I'd love to be closer to my family. Its been a month since I saw my mom or my brothers.
Where am I going? What am I doing? I keep wishing for things to change, but I do nothing to make the change the happen. Where would I even start?
This is why I hate my birthdays. Yes, I'm thankful I woke up this morning as well as my family. Yes, I am thankful for all the things I DO have. I know things could be worse. I know that. You don't have to point that out to me. I just wish sometimes that good things would happen to the good people, ya know. It seems like the rich are getting richer, the bad people are getting handouts and the ones that are trying are the ones struggling.
Hubby already blew the whistle and told me what he was getting me for my birthday. I was actually a bit surprised because its something I've been wanting and I'll use. Its an armband to put my phone in while I run. Been needing that.
I'd love for things to change and I know I'm the one in charge of making the steps towards the changes I want to see... but I don't know where to start or what to do. Maybe I'll have an epiphany one day.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Long Ramble

My dreams are getting worse. Its almost to the point where I don't want to sleep anymore. Its always something.. the world is ending, we're being invaded, I'm all alone, I can't find my kids, fire is falling from the sky, I'm a prisoner, someone is trying to kill me, I'm hiding out, I'm fighting back.... I can't just have a normal dream anymore. I always feel so drained during the day because I don't sleep well. Even on the nights when I do sleep all night, I feel as if I lived my dream all night and I wake up sore and so tired.
New dog is doing ok. He whines a lot and the kids don't really want to play with him because he jumps on them. Hubby adores Oreo. He wants to take him everywhere. My car smells like dog now. I can't get him to leave the dog at home. Gotta break the news to him that Friday, the dog stays home while we go to Relay.
Yeah.. Relay is this Friday. My birthday is Thursday. Father's Day is Sunday. I don't expect anything special for my birthday, but it would be nice for a change. Mother's Day was nothing special to me really. I got to see my mom and grandma and more family, but as for hubby trying to make it a special day... nothing. I didn't want him to buy me anything, but a nice gesture would have been nice. So, just like every year, I'm not expecting him to do anything for my birthday. My boss does more than hubby. She was off last year on my birthday though and no one else in the office knew. I spent my day alone. Expect this year to be the same. I'll work as usual, go home and cook as usual. I'd love to take the day off, but if I want to take my vacation around Christmas, I can't really just take days off when I want. I'm running out of days. I think that every once in a while, I'd like to feel special... like someone put in some effort to make me feel happy. I'll get the birthday Facebook posts and texts and maybe a card from my grandma and the kids. I'd love for the kids to get along, hubby to make dinner, and to rent a movie. That's the ideal birthday.
I think I've decided to stay at my job. No one else will hire me anyway. I've tried. I've put my application in just about everywhere.
Weight loss has been at a stand still, but that'll happen when I can't go running but once a week. That half an hour of me time to run was great, but its slowly becoming a thing of the past. Something always comes up. Hubby is 'sick' and can't watch the kids while I go out. Its storming. We even went to his mom's house Friday to visit with her because she just got home from knee replacement surgery and I ended up spending more time with her than he did. I was wanting to go running, but he wanted us there as a family and he stays in the living room playing games on his phone while me and Zach are in the bedroom talking to her. If he didn't really want to visit with her, I could have gone running.
Getting back to my good eating habits. I fell off the wagon there for a bit, but I'm back on track. The depression is making it very difficult for me to stick to this. I tend to find my comfort in food and I'm trying to stop doing that, but its making the depression worse. I really need to get out and find a doctor. My main problem is that I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff with a doctor on my first visit. And I really don't want to have to keep going back. Do I go to a regular family doctor or do I seek out a psychiatrist?
Lilly's last ball game was Thursday and we had a party for them at the pool on Sunday. They got trophy's, ate cake and pizza, swam in the pool and played around. Zach loved the water. He was laying in the baby pool and even jumping off the sides into the pool. Lilly even went down the slide! Saturday Lilly went to a birthday pool party for one of her best friends. She had a blast, ate pizza, ate cake and didn't get sunburnt all weekend long. Her father needs to learn that it is possible for her to not sunburn. Just remember the sunscreen and to reapply it. I'm very nervous about her going on vacation with him. We've went this long without a sunburn and I know she'll come back a lobster. She always does.
Hoping to get out to walk during my lunch hour today. I need it. And hopefully I can go to the track tonight. I was wanting to go by myself, but I think my running buddy is coming along. I need to get her pace per mile down. When I run with her, we average about 18 minutes a mile. I can walk faster than that. Walking I average about 16 mins per mile. I did get down to 13:55 per mile last time I went running. Not my best, but I'm getting there. My best is actually a time that I went walking from work to the Capitol. I averaged about 12 mins that time. First race is just 2 months away. We gotta get in gear!
Summer camp has started for Lilly. She has a summer full of fun. She's going to pools, water parks, museums, caves, pottery place, inside inflatable place, out to eat, there's gonna be a carnival at the Y... all kinds of fun stuff. I wish I had something planned for her this summer to do. I wish we could go on vacation. I haven't been on a vacation since 2008. I usually take my time off to stay at home. I'd love to be able to take the kids somewhere nice. Zach has never been anywhere and we haven't taken Lilly anywhere since Six Flags. That place in Kentucky isn't even open anymore, that's how long its been!!
Zach is starting to tell little lies now. Last night I got a video of him in bed telling me that a friend from school had just hit him and he was really upset about it. When I told him that Jackson wasn't here, he changed his story to the dog hit him. I told him the dog was outside and he said the dog got his shirt and body and I told him again that the dog was outside, so then he tells me goodnight and lays down. Cracked me up.
I still haven't downloaded the Blogger app again yet. I don't really know what I'm waiting on. I'll do it when I get home today. I don't want to do it now because it'll take up too much of my battery and I usually end up going home with a dead phone anyway. My car charger doesn't work anymore. I don't know why. That's like my 5th one this year. They just suck. That's all I got.
I'm already hungry for lunch... and I just finished my breakfast. 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana. I brought leftovers from dinner for lunch today. Part of me wants to go out for lunch, but I'm trying to hold off until tomorrow. I wish I had someone close by who would go to lunch with me. Maybe I'll save my day out until my birthday. Have birthday lunch by myself. There's no other way, is there? Wonder if hubby will be willing to do lunch with me? Doubt it. I need more friends. Going out alone all the time really isn't all that great. Hubby works just 5 minutes away, but he won't go out to lunch with me. We haven't done that in years. I've tried, but he won't. He says that he's not allowed to do sit down lunches, that he's supposed to go get it and bring it back to work... and yet every Friday he and his co-workers go out to places like Red Lobster. Wow... typing that makes me really sad.
Today isn't a good day so far. I just want to go home and cuddle up in bed, but the dog is there. I can no longer go home to be by myself.... the dog is there and will whine.
Went out this weekend and bought Gone Girl because I loved Sharp Objects so darn much. I'm only 2 chapters in so far and I can tell that's its awesome. I'm hoping I can finish my list of 10 books before I'm 30. Time isn't really on my side these days. Its only 10 books, but finding enough sit down time and enough quiet is hard.
I tried going down in the basement to organize my things a little better so I can have a yardsale, but Zach kept going up and down the stairs. Not a big deal, but there's only one small rail on one side and concrete floor beneath. He slipped down one stair and I stopped and went upstairs. I got one box organized. I'm hoping to get $500 out of my yardsale. I have everything. I have baby stuff for a girl and a boy, I have junior girl clothes, I have toys, I have kitchen stuff, I have nik naks, I have Easter dresses, I have movies, I have books, I have shelves, I have shoes, I have so much crap that I don't even know how I'm going to do this.
I read somewhere yesterday that people are actually signing up to go live on Mars. Not visit Mars, live on Mars. Why would you want to do that? They are signing up to do this and studies aren't even finished as to whether or not someone can actually live there! There's nothing there. There's no shelter. Its cold there. There's no heat. There's no food or any way to get food. You're months away from a doctor or an emergency room. Sure, they can build you a bubble to live in that has air and stock you up with some food, but can they do that for so many people for the rest of their lives? Would you want to spend the rest of your life in a bubble so you can breathe? Would you want to live without having contact with your family? I don't understand. Yeah.. .its an adventure, but I just can't see how anyone would want to sign up for something like this when studies about the planet aren't even done to see if the place is even livable. I just don't get it.
Oh and as for that guy.. what's his name.. Snowden? That told the public that the government is spying on them.... I don't know why everyone is after him now. He did release top secret information, but the government was breaking the privacy laws. He's not the one who should be in trouble. They're calling him a traitor, which he is anything but. We all had our suspicions that our phone conversations were being heard, that our online activity was being monitored, that we are in fact being watched... which is all very very wrong on so many levels.. we knew, we had our suspicions, but this guy actually told us that it was happening. He told the truth. How does that make him a traitor? He informed the public of the government's wrong doings... how is he in the wrong? We should be demanding that the people that are committing these crimes against us be put away and treated as traitors. This Snowden guy is a hero. No, I have nothing to hide. I'm not committing any crimes. So why do I care that I'm being watched? Because its wrong and its creepy. I know I said in an earlier post that I don't care that they are motoring my internet activity as long as it means that they catch people who are terrorist, but after much thinking, I wonder why and to what extent to they research each person. Just because I do a search on chloroform or something, does that mean they will come knocking down my door and treating me as a terrorist? What if my curiosity on a certain topic leads me to see videos on how to build a bomb.. is me writing this going get me red flagged? There's a difference between keeping the public safe and digging into our private lives. If I put anything out there, like on this blog or on Facebook, I understand that its all public information and anyone at anytime can see it. That's fine. But if you want to start listening on my private conversations or watching  my every single move online, then there's a problem. They are putting too much effort into invading the good people's private lives and not enough effort into actually going out and being proactive in stopping terrorists acts. Let me throw something out there. During the Boston Marathon, there was reports and even ordinary people saying they saw and heard that there was a bomb search drill going on not long before the bombs actually went off. If there was a bomb search drill... why didn't they find the damn bombs? I watched online as a reporter asked someone, I think a cop or someone of the sort, about the drills and if they were conducting any at the Boston Marathon in the exact same spots as where the bombs went off... and the guy completely avoided her question and talked about the tragedy and how they are going to find who is responsible. What the hell?
I think I've rambled just a little too much. If I don't post again... you'll know I was found for my post about watching videos on how to make a bomb... even though I've never watched one. Oh, one more thing... if there's these people who are on the internet and searching for you and me and your best friend... why are they not out there taking down all these videos on how to make a bomb? Whey are they still up there for people to search for and learn from? Just a thought......

Friday, June 7, 2013


Things and stuff and everything.... and yeah....
I am wearing a size down today. I'm officially a size 14 again. Now to get down even further. My goal is to at least get back down to a 10. I doubt I can get to a 6 again... but I'll try. I still can't believe I got so lazy and allowed myself to get that big. I went running on Tuesday. I took that day off because Lilly has had so many games this week and Tuesday was her earliest game. I figured it be easier for me to get 8 hours vacation time than only 6 hours working there. I took the kids to the Y, went running... did close to 2 miles and my pace per mile has reduced to 13:55. That made me very happy. I just have to get back in the groove of things. I got really lazy there for a bit.
Lilly's last game was last night, but the president of the league cut it short because it was getting dark and he didn't want to turn on the lights for us. Bitter old man. So, no one won or lost.
Lilly was invited to a birthday pool party tomorrow and she's excited. Its one of her best friends who plays on her team and was in Lilly's class. Sunday we have another pool party with the team to get trophies.
Oreo is doing ok with the kids. He likes to nip at your toes and Zach says, NO Doggie! and then runs from him. I'd say we have him halfway house trained. We did have an accident last night, but its coming along quite nicely. He slept all night last night too. Unfortunately, Zach did not.
My birthday is this coming Thursday. I'm thinking about taking that day off, but I'm not sure yet.
I still haven't posted any pics, have I? I have to redownload the app so I can do that.
The fire station is also have a boot drive and hot dog sale tomorrow. I'll swing by with the kids for an early lunch, but I'm not staying this year to participate in the boot drive. I visited last year, but I didn't do anything then either. People threw a fit the year I was pregnant with Zach because the only thing I did to help was stay inside and count money... kind of my expertise since I work in a bank and was store manager at a gas station which consisted of counting large amounts of money daily. They didn't care that I was pregnant and it was blistering hot outside-they wanted me to stand outside to collect money. I'm not a member of the fire station, I was there to help out and if they couldn't appreciate what I was doing, then that's not my problem. Haven't been back to help out since.
Lilly has to read a book and write a book report during the summer and also write a 2 page essay about what she did over the summer. They both have to be turned in on the first day of school. I'll make her to the book report in July and the essay in August. I'm sure she'll want to write about going to Disneyworld and they aren't going there until the week school starts. She really doesn't need anything for school either. I'll get her maybe a couple of outfits and a pair of shoes, but she really doesn't need any clothes. We also have all the supplies she needs at home, except a new box of crayons.
Looks like Chris and Tony are coming by my house Saturday evening after the pool party. Chris needs his oil changed and asked if hubby could do it. I'll try to plan something to cook for them. I have everything needed for my pizza casserole. I can do that. Quick and easy and yummy. I haven't seen Chris in a long time. I think it was Christmas. Might cook for them.
I just finished reading Sharp Objects  by Gillian Flynn. Good book. Easy read. Very interesting and a little crazy. I'm going to the bookstore today to get one of her other books, either Gone Girl or Dark Places. Probably whichever is cheaper. That's how I decided last time. Gonna get a gift card for the shoe place for my bubby because he needs new shoes but is broke. I don't know what size he wears, but I know what shoes he likes, so I'll scout them out and get him a giftcard. I'll try to figure something out to get for Chris too. I'll look around while I'm at the mall today.
Yeah... that's good for now.... I have to get back to work.