Thursday, June 12, 2014

Almost My Bday

I know, I know... its been a while yet again. I don't know what's going on. I have time, I think I'm just lazy.
I've realized that I'm a completely different person in my dreams than I am in real life. In my dreams I'm a leader, I'm determined, I'm a fighter. Rarely do I ever end up in any kind of danger or uncomfortable situation. Only a few times have I woken up scared out of my wits and that's usually when I dream of ghosts. I've woken up mad at hubby for things he's done in my dreams, but other than that, I wish I could be the person I dream myself to be. Last night's dream, I was in control, I was directing people, I was the leader in a group, I had great ideas, I had plans. I'm finding it more and more difficult to wake up in the mornings because I just want to keep being this person. I hit the snooze button 5 times this morning. Yesterday, I texted my boss and told her I'd be an hour late... I just wanted to keep dreaming.
I've read a few articles lately about excepting your body and positive body image. I'm trying so hard to except my looks, but its hard sometimes. So here I am, this overweight short girl with feet so wide I can't wear fancy shoes, stretch marks all over my body, acne of a teenager which is rarely on my face, but everywhere else.... but I do like the look of my feet, and I know my stretch marks are from my kids, and I love my smile, my eyes and my hair. I know I'll never get back to the high school me, but I've got to find a way to love the current me or at least do something to change what I don't like. I don't run anymore. I got lazy. I've gained all my weight back. I'm back in my bigger pants.
How can I take the person I am, inside and out, and turn it into the person I want to be? I want to be a leader. I want to take control. I want to be able to run without running out of breath only one minute in.
I'll be 28 tomorrow. One year closer to 30. One year closer to 50. One year closer to retirement. Instead of moping around, I should be celebrating. My birthday is actually on Friday the 13th this year, its the same as when I was born. This year, there will be a full moon that day too. Last night, I burnt my fingers and my brother told me that my luck will get worse as it gets closer to my birthday. It should be getting better though, right? Since I was born on Friday the 13th, shouldn't that be a lucky day for me?
Tomorrow is also Lilly's first all star game. I hope all goes well. During practice coach had her at third base and short stop, but during the scrimmage, he had her in the outfield. Looking at who our competition is, it looks like we will win the championship.
Well... we bought a camper. Hubby got the one he wanted, but I didn't put up much of a fight for it. Now we just have to use it soon.
It seems like everyone in the office is finding different jobs. In the little room that I'm in, 3 people have left since April and one is putting in her 2 weeks on Monday. I want to go, but I find anything. My fingers stay crossed though.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Yep...Its May

Oh! Many many things! I swore last time that I was going to keep this up to date, but every time I thought about posting, I got lazy.
My brother, Tony and his now wife Bre is living in my basement for now. Tony didn't want to keep working out on the road and their place was way too expensive. They just got married yesterday too. It wasn't anything big or formal, it was just basically the signing of the papers. I really think having him in my home is helping with my depression, too. I was actually super surprised when hubby said it was ok for them to move in, but now he complains to me about almost everything they do or don't do.
Lilly's ball games are almost to an end and then All Stars start up, but she probably won't be able to play because she'll be having vacation with her father during one of the big weeks. She's so upset. She doesn't want to go on vacation now. Today is 50's day in school and she's wearing a poodle skirt. The very same one she's been wearing since Kindergarten. We just keep adjusting the waist so it fits. The softball parade was a couple weekends ago. The moms that was coordinating everything and decorating failed to tell me that the girls weren't wearing their uniforms, so Lilly was the only one. 
Zach is just Zach. He's been talking and walking in his sleep. I'm just waiting for the day that he sleepwalks down to the basement and crawls in bed with Tony. Zach got his first face boo boo. He kinda fell face first on a sidewalk during one of Lilly's ball games. I really think a boy pushed him, though. One of the new moms has a little boy about a year older than Zach and he's a mean little boy and the mom doesn't even watch him. I've seen him run off toward the football field and she had no idea.
Hubby's been half working on the fence in the yard for about a month now. Hoping it'll get done soon so we can let the dog loose. Its not even a big section of fence.
So much and yet nothing has happened in the past month or however long its been since I last posted. I haven't really done anything. No running, no workouts, nothing fun really. Just work, home, watch kids, bed. Don't even really see hubby much nowadays. Half the time my brother and Bre are out and about. Its just me and the kids.
OH, yeah.... I have vertigo. Its eased up quite a bit the past couple of weeks. I can now move my head from side to side without the room spinning. Now it only happens if I look straight up or go from standing to laying down. And it gets really bad in the dark. At night, if I just roll over or get up to check on the kids, I feel like I'm drunk. The dr told me to take motion sickness pills every 8 hours, but that stuff made me so drowsy I was messing up my work, so I stopped taking it.
Lilly did have a dentist appt yesterday and they said that I should get an orthodontist consult about her adult teeth. They are a bit crowded, but her baby teeth haven't even come out yet. I hope its covered in the insurance. That stuff can get pricey.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Stuff and Things

I really need to stop waiting so long before I update.
Lilly is 9! Her party went fine even though none of her friends from school showed up. Its funny, I was trying so hard to find a face painter for her party, but it would have basically been a waste of money since no one showed up. She had fun and that's all that matters.
Softball has started back up. Her first game is Saturday. She's been having practice and she's been rocking it. We bought her a new helmet with a face mask since her step mother had told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses while batting in case she got hit in the face. I swear, that woman is going to kill everyone. Its slow pitch and adults are doing it, I'm sure they know what they are doing and won't hit her in the face.
I tried to get hubby to get Zach to pee on a tree yesterday in our yard. Zach was excited about the idea, but then he wouldn't do it.
My brother's apartment is almost all packed up and we'll be moving them in this weekend if all goes well. My basement still isn't quite ready, but it will be when the time comes. Even if I have to take another day off work to get it done.
I'm actually not feeling too well today and was thinking about going home super early, but I'd hate to because I'm seriously running out of sick days I can take and its only the beginning of April. I have to leave work just a little early on Friday because Lilly has a scrimmage.
I woke up around 1am to find hubby outside assembling the trampoline for the kids. I was surprised. He said he couldn't sleep which is understandable since he just came off a string of midnight shifts.
Today is picture day for Lilly and she wouldn't let me do a thing with her hair. I hope she at least gets it out of her face. I've made an appointment for next week to get her hair chopped off. I wonder if she has enough to donate.
April Fools Day came and went without a single prank. I only heard about one from a guy at work that his dad had played on him.
I'm still trying hard to find another job. I'm focusing a lot on non-profits. I would love to get a meaningful job. That's my goal. I'd really love to work with kids, but non-profits for kids are better. I applied to one yesterday and one a couple of weeks ago. I doubt I'll get it, but I'm trying.
I'm feeling a bit depressed today. I could seriously just go sit somewhere and stare off into space for the rest of the day. I have no desire to do anything or talk to anyone. Yet another reason I just really want to go home. I think what I really want to do is to be a stay at home mom. I know Zach will miss day care so maybe I can do that after he starts Kindergarten. It'll be like 2 more years so hubby will be making a few more bucks. And maybe I could get a part time job just to have some money of my own. Something that's only a couple hours for a couple of days. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I had so many ideas and dreams about what I was going to do with my life and here I am willing to just throw it all away to stay at home. I think if I did stay at home, I'd just end up getting more depressed. No one is around. My family lives so far away, my best friend isn't close enough to where I can just go to her house on a whim. I even thought about just getting a part time job at the day care, but I don't even think I want to do that anymore. Some days I just want to sit and stare at the wall and I know that's not normal. Its not even lunch time and I'm willing to throw today away. Although, I might be a little more productive at home than I would be here. I have no plans to really do anything today at work. Maybe its my medicine that's slowly making me want to just sort of disappear. I need to stop being so f'ing negative all the time. Geez.... I'm just having an off day. Ignore me.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Its the First Day of Spring

Its so exhausting being the nice person all the time or being the negotiator or the peace keeper. Between my family and hubby's family, I'm just mentally exhausted. I keep trying to think of ways to make sure everyone is happy, but its just impossible. Especially when most of them are so stubborn and set in their own ways and don't know how to compromise. OR they go back on their word. My brain just can't handle all of this anymore, its going to explode.
Lilly's birthday and party is Saturday. She picked out a Rockstar theme and I found some really pretty decorations and colors to go with it. I've invited some of her friends and I hope some of them show up. I found most of their parents on Facebook and invited them that way. At this age they are still expected to give invitations to the entire class if they hand them out. I'm not doing that. I don't want a kid that Lilly doesn't get along with to show up. Its her birthday party and she has the right to invite or not invite whomever she wants.
Her gifts from me so far are- a big box of clothes with shoes, shirts, jackets, jeans and shorts-Monster High nail decorating set- purple headphones- rubber bands to make those bracelets and a bigger loom - the entire Full House series - and one more thing, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is right now.
I think I'm actually thinking about taking half a day so I can go home and hit the bed. I'm so tired. I haven't stopped yawning and my jaws hurt from it. Zach slept good last night, but I woke up every hour because I just couldn't turn my brain off. I just drank a giant cup of coffee, but I could seriously close my eyes and go to sleep right now.
Lilly's first ball practice is tomorrow. She's every excited about it. We do need to get her a new helmet. Hers is a little snug right now. Maybe a new glove... might hold off on that until the fall when she moves up to girl pitch. She'll need a fast pitch glove then. And she's training to be a pitcher. I think that a hard move because she loves playing first and third base and she's great at it, but I don't think any other girls on the team area wanting to be pitcher. Lilly's got one heck of an arm on her and I know she'll do great. Her father on the other hand does not want her to be pitcher and wants her to be catcher like he was. That makes me want to slap him. Let her do what she wants, not what you want her to do. She might not be good at being a catcher but rock at being pitcher. Or maybe she'll even change her mind and stay on first and third base and keep kicking butt there.
OH, this morning is just dragging on.
My bff and her mom are coming, hopefully this weekend, to get a bunch of stuff out of my basement. I'm charging them $300, which is almost 2 weeks of day care, for enough stuff that could make them $1,000. I don't care. I just need that stuff out. I have GOT to get down there today and tomorrow to work on getting my giant mess organized and put in bags and boxes that aren't falling apart. I have to make sure I separate what I want to keep too.
I thought about leaving early to go home and take a nap, but I believe I just changed my mind. I've already used up a lot of my sick time and its still so early in the year. I should really just stay and suck it up. Maybe I'll head out to my car for an afternoon nap or something.
Today is the first day of Spring and I kinda hope that winter has decided to finally head out. I love winter, but I do want to get out and start running again. The city I work in started a new program where they challenge you to walk/run 150 miles in 150 days and I've formed a team here at work and am going to do it. At the end, if you turn in your mileage, you get a t-shirt and free admission into a baseball game. I'm excited about it. Its the push I need to get back out there and lose my weight that I've gained back.

Monday, March 10, 2014

So Much to Write, but so Little Time....

I didn't get that job I was hoping for, but there's still plenty of time to find something I really enjoy.
Zach is potty trained and even does really good at night time. It just clicked one day and he was ready. He moved up to the 3 year old room in day care last week and since then he won't hardly sleep. I'm up every 30 minutes at night with him while he just lays there and cries. Sometimes if I rub his back, he'll go back to sleep. Other times, nothing helps. I am exhausted.
Lilly's birthday is just a couple weeks away. I just bought her a pair of shoes for her birthday and her Full House DVD collection came in the mail last week. I'm so excited for her. I even got to invite a few of her really good friends.
Don't know if I mentioned it yet, but Tony, Bre and Chris are moving into my basement, hopefully by the end of this month. Tony and Chris will be working on the road, so me and Bre will do all the moving. Hard to tell when they will even be back in. They are barely making it where they live now, so I'm going to help them out for a bit. I'm excited and its just the motivation I needed to clean out my basement. I've sold a few things already and have made a couple hundred bucks.
Mom has kicked Donavan out again and he's at Jeff's. I'm not going to get into what has happened right now since its the end of the day and I want to go home, but let's just say that it'll be a while before I can calmly talk to her. I was just down there Saturday....

Monday, February 24, 2014

I Just Want To AHHHHH

Sometime this week, I'm supposed to find out if I got the job or not. I'm scared and excited. I want this so bad. It will open so many more doors for me, it will help me get out of this rut I'm in and this dead end job. But... I will miss it here. I've been here 6 years and I've seen so many people come and go, but I feel like it was here that I came out of my shell. My first job, I wasn't shy at all. I was young and the world was mine. But job after job, I became more afraid of crowds, to even speak my mind in front of people. I'm finally ok with talking in front of the people I work with. It might just be the new group of people here or it could be that I've been here long enough, I feel like I belong. I just want to go back to my outgoing self.
If I get this job, it means so much. Its close to home. Its more money. Its the kind of job I want to do. I feel like its a job that I will look forward to going to every morning. The boss seems super nice. I'll be helping people. I just don't want to get my hopes up. I'm trying to be ok with whatever they decide. I find myself wanting to get everything caught up here at work just in case I do get the new job, but then again, I just want to sit here and wait for my phone to ring.
Moving on
This weekend was beautiful. I finally got to get the kids out to play and I rode my bike a bit. Saturday was also cleaning day. I was on my feet from 8am to 10pm. I was so sore. I cleaned all morning, went outside to play, then cleaned and cooked all evening. My lower back still hurts. Sunday my grandparents came down for a visit and after they had left, we went to my in-laws and ordered pizza. It started snowing before we left there. Beautiful weekend-gone.
I didn't take my medicine last night and I can tell. I'm getting very anxious and antsy and I kind of want to just scream. I was out and forgot to reorder it. I ordered it last night so I should have it to take tonight. I don't feel depressed, really. I did a little bit last night. Today, I just feel very anxious and my heart is racing. My body wants to constantly move, but my mind is running slow. Right now, my fingers are typing way faster than I can think and I have to keep hitting the back button. I'm so tired that my eyes hurt, but my body won't slow down enough to rest. I feel like I want to go outside and run around the block a couple of times and I am just so hungry. I can't seem to stop eating today. I don't know what's going on. I've eaten donuts, my breakfast bar, an orange, a donut stick, 2 cups of coffee and I'm still so hungry. Its not even lunch time and all I packed today was a salad. I might have to just save that for tomorrow and go out and get something. Maybe just the walk out will help calm me down a bit. And itchy... I feel ichy all over. But of course that could be the anxiety.
I think soon I'm going to have a yard sale. I really need to get rid of my stuff and I would really like to have the money. I have so much stuff and it just keeps piling on. I did give a bunch away to my cousins, but I still have so much left.
Ok, Ok... back to work I guess. Or lunch...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Good News, Sad News

Been super busy again lately, sorry for not posting. I'm trying to get a new job and also trying to get everything caught up with my current job in case I do leave. I've had a phone interview, a face to face interview and another phone interview for this one job that I want. Its so close to home and I'll make more money and it really seems like something I will enjoy doing. I should know one way or the other within a week or so. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!
A lot has happened, of course. Zach is almost 100% potty trained. He is in underwear throughout the day instead of a pull up and even stays dry most of the night. We got him a toddler bed that he loves too. The night we put it up for him, he put himself to bed an hour early. Its certainly made the bedtime routine so much easier. I was worried about him constantly getting out of bed or roaming the house in the middle of the night, but he's been doing really good.
I just signed Lilly up for softball so that should start real soon. She just brought home her midterm grades and I'm very proud. All A's with 2 B's in reading and spelling. She's really been trying lately. Her birthday is a little more than a month away. She's decided that she wants a dance party theme. I guess I'll have the Wii ready to go and also her little disco ball and stuff. I'm still trying to figure this one out. She's getting old enough now where I should have a separate party for family and friends.
Oh, I've also began volunteering at the day care to help out with the kids when I have spare time. I love holding the babies, but will go where they need me. Friday, they were horribly short staffed, so I had some toddlers. I really do love it.
We didn't really do much for Valentine's Day, but I'm not really a person to celebrate something like that. Hubby got me beautiful flowers, I got him a few little things and we went out to eat with Zach (Lilly was with her father) and had Chinese food. I did spend most of the day at the day care because I took the day off and hubby was sleeping since he had just come off midnight shift. The day after I went out and bought a bunch of Valentine candy for half off.
My step dad had his first wreck on Saturday. The weather was bad, we had lots of snow and ice and he isn't a very good driver anyway. He spun out, ran through someone's yard and hit and apartment building. Thankfully he is ok and his truck only has a dent. No damage to the building. I was freaking out, but he wouldn't let me come help him out. My oldest brother was already out and about and he stopped to help.
About a week ago, a guy I went to school with passed away in a car accident. He was a volunteer fire fighter from my home town, an EMT, he was in the army and did one tour in Iraq, he was a first responder and worked for the medical examiners office. He was a very busy guy. Such a nice and friendly person, it was sad to see him go. His best friend said at the funeral that he was now in Heaven helping to put out fires in Hell. And the next week we got sooo much snow. His best friend posted on Facebook that he knew it was because he was putting out fires.
I think that about sums up my past month.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

New Stuff

I'm putting off counseling for a bit. I'm thinking of a new way to go about things. I think I'm just going to try to occupy myself so I don't really have time to think. There's so  many things that I want to do and places I want to go, but I'm kinda stuck in this rut and this routine is getting old. My bff and I started making lists of  things we wanted to accomplish before each milestone birthday. For example- When we were 21, we  made a list of 25 things we wanted to do before we turned 25 and now we are working on a list of 30 things we want to do before we turn 30. I'm sure I've mentioned it before and maybe even posted my list. Well... I'm going to get down and serious about this list and get things done. I've even made a bucket list of things I want to do or accomplish before I die. So here's my list of 30 things...
30 Things to do before I’m 30

  1. Buy a house (checked off)
  2. Empty storage building and have yard sale (half checked off)
  3. Organize photo albums
  4. Go canoeing
  5. Get a new job/or great at my current job
  6. Get a new car (got a different car, not new but new to me)
  7. Take up a new hobby (working out count?)
  8. Make a Thanksgiving dinner
  9. Drink a fancy wine
  10. Get back to pre-Lilly weight
  11. Get a new hairdo
  12. Go to the beach
  13. Ride a horse
  14. Get a tattoo for Zach
  15. Have 2 more people I consider close friends
  16. Learn how use a sewing machine
  17. Run a half marathon
  18. Take kids to museum (checked off)
  19. Ride in a big boat
  20. Ride in an airplane for the first time
  21. Go ice skating
  22. Go Zip lining
  23. Go to Disneyworld/land
  24. Be in the best shape of my life on my 30th birthday
  25. Ride in a train
  26. Take kids camping
  27. See a flash mob
  28. Get my house organized and decorated
  29. Be a secret Santa for a needy family
  30. Take a REAL vacation
And I found this website where I've made my bucket list. Here's that one, some of it does correspond with my 30's list.
  • Ride in a hot air balloon 
  • Cook a big holiday feast
  • Take kids to Legoland 
  • Start a Family Cookbook 
  • Walk Through a Corn Maze 
  • Spend Christmas, with my family, in a Cabin, in the snow in the mountains 
  • Learn archery
  • Learn a new language 
  • Pay for a Stranger's Dinner
  • Watch a meteor shower
  • Have a picnic in Central Park, New York 
  • Be Part of a Flash Mob 
  • Go Rock-Climbing 
  • Visit the Louvre in Paris 
  • Go Geocaching 
  • Visit machu pichu 
  • Go to the Egyptian pyraminds 
  • Go to the airport and take a random flight
  • Do a road trip across America
  • Visit every state in the USA 
  • See the 7 wonders of the world!
  • Visit Stonehenge 
  • Climb up the Statue of Liberty
  • Fly First Class 
  • Visit sydney, Australia 
  • Visit Niagara Falls 
  • Ride a Gondola in Venice, Italy 
  • Visit Times Square 
  • Go on a cruise 
  • Visit disney land 
  • See Colosseum (Rome, Italy)
  • Visit a castle 
  • Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower 
  • Walk on the Great Wall of China 
  • Travel to New York 
  • Travel to Italy 
  • Complete the Spartan Sprint
  • Extreme Tubing on a whitewater river
  • Paddle through a Medieval Town 
  • Give money to a homeless person
  • Go on a cruise 
  • See the Grand Canyon
  • Swim with Dolphins 
  • See a Cirque de Soleil show 
  • Visit the White House

  • So, I better get to work in making these things happen.

    Zach's party went ok. There was a snow storm, so only like 20 people came, but he had a blast and that's all that matters. His best friend showed up too. The weather has been horribly old lately, but I don't  mind it. We've played in the snow so many times too. I just realized the other day that I cannot find the 4 shirts I bought Zach for Christmas. He has never worn them! I can find all his other clothes that he got for Christmas, but not what I got him. I keep looking, but I can't find it.
    I'm not really in a better mood persay, I do think I still need therapy and/or someone to talk to, but I'm going to try just occupying myself first and see how that goes. I'm sure the kids will enjoy doing so many new things too. 

    Friday, January 24, 2014

    Freaking Out

    I think its time for me to seek counseling for myself. This medication just isn't enough. I need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. I got online and looked up a therapist and it asked to fill out forms before coming in for an appt. I almost cried just reading the forms asking about abuse and depression.... I wanted to call or text someone to even talk about my feelings for that and I couldn't think of a single person I could talk to about it. My  mom maybe. So I resorted to my blog to express myself.
    I'm deeply burdened by so many things and I'm about to explode. I came to the harsh realization that if it wasn't for handful of people in life, 2 are my kids, I probably would have ended my life by now. My kids and my younger brothers are the only things keeping me alive right now. I constantly am thinking about wrecking my car while driving. I wonder if I was just injured, who would show up in the hospital... if I died, who would really care. I know I have plenty of people in my life, but who are the ones that actually care and love me for me. Things are just bad right now. My medicine isn't working or something. Its not just people, its situations that I'm beginning to not be able to deal with. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore and its like I have to force myself to engage in anything. For the sake of my kids, I'm trying so hard to not become a bedridden hermit. My kids are my pride and joy and I can't stand the thought of leaving them.
    Memories of past abuse have been circling my head constantly lately. I've forgiven most of the abuse and I've tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. And then there's the present... hubby who recently got caught trying to cheat on me, who doesn't help out unless I'm at my breaking point and have to ask him 10 times, who sits in front of the tv or on his phone all day, who hardly is home, who yells at me over the littlest things, who gets very upset when I try to express myself or feelings, who won't sit down and have a serious conversation with me, who makes me feel like everything is my fault and I'm the one to blame, who just last night got mad at me and spent the night on the couch because I got mad that he let Zach stay up until 10:00, who makes me feel guilty for everything, who only thinks of himself and does what he wants when he wants..... I'm about to break. Here's exactly what happened last night-
    At 8:15 I told hubby to put the kids to bed and I hopped in the shower. 8:45 I got out and put leftover dinner in the fridge and cleaned up a bit. He was in the living room watching tv or whatever. 9:00 I went in the kids rooms and turned off the tv and told them 'night. Zach wanted to get up to tell Oreo and hubby night. I picked him up and carried him in to hubby and sat him on his lap. I said, "Zach wanted to tell you goodnight. I'm going to go dry my hair. Put him back in bed and change his diaper." Him-"Does he need a diaper change?" Me-"He doesn't have a night time diaper on" and I walked off. While drying my hair, Oreo peed in the floor, hubby cussed and threw a fit, put the dog out and cleaned it up. After I was done, I sat on my bed and watched tv until 10. Zach started crying. I go in his room and his tv is on! Hubby comes in the room. Me- "Why is Zach's tv on?" Him-"What do you mean?" Me-"His tv is on, its 10, I turned it off" Him-"When did you turn it off?" Me-"At 9:00 when I brought him to you." Him- "I let him turn it back on when I brought him back to bed" Me-"Why?" Him-"I didn't know what time it was." Me-"His tv was off late at night, why would you let him turn it back on." (note- we are talking in normal voices and still in Zach's room) Him-"You don't have to badger  me" Me-"I'm not going to be able to get him up on the morning now." I walk off and go to my bedroom. He comes in a minute later. Him yelling-"You don't have to yell at me, I'm trying" I don't say anything and I never yelled. He walks in the bathroom and I hear him texting on his phone. He walks out and back in the living room where he stays all night. WTF happened? This crap right there is an every day thing with him. I can't acknowledge that anything is wrong or he goes off the deep-end and makes me feel so horrible. It took me 20 minutes to get Zach up out of bed this morning. He woke up twice last night just screaming and crying. Hubby made no effort to get up like always.
    I can't even talk to him about what happened last night. If the past has taught me anything its that he will either yell at me and tell me its my fault or tell me I need an attitude adjustment and storm out the door and not come back until well after midnight while I'm sitting with the kids alone crying my eyes out wondering where the hell he is.
    Last night before all that happened, I told him that since he is off for the next week, I want him to get Zach's toddler bed in his room tomorrow (today). He said he couldn't I asked why and he said he has things to do. I ask what and he says things. I ask what things and he says that he can't tell me. I sit and stare at him waiting on an answer and he gets up and walks off. He's been telling me since Halloween that he was going to get Zach's bed up and what in the world could he be doing that he can't tell me? After just 2 months of catching him trying to cheat on me, this is not something I want to hear.
    All this, is everyday. Every single day. And then you throw in the stress of everything else and I'm about to explode- Work, kids fighting, cooking, cleaning, the dog, my own family stress and problems, money, no time, softball, homework, and trying to please everyone... I don't know how much more I can handle.
    That's why I looked up a therapist. That's why I'm sitting here typing this. I have no one to talk to about any of this, about how I feel, about what I'm going through, about the stress, about the flashbacks, about the never ending fight to hold back tears......
    Honestly there's one person I think would understand everything, but I can't really talk to her or I'll be betraying hubby. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, and I'm friendly with her, but that's it. I do miss her and right now I feel like I need her, but I can't.
    On a lighter note, Zach's party is tomorrow. I have no idea how many people are coming. I'm fully stressing about it. I'm out of money and there are still things I need to buy. Hubby hasn't chipped in at all. He ordered the cake for 30 people after I told him that more than was invited, so now I'm going to make cupcakes too. That's all he's done. I got the gifts, I got the decorations, I got the place. Now I'm freaking out because I have to get a few more things and finish paying for the place and I can't, but I'm afraid to ask hubby for money. I hope everything goes ok.

    Wednesday, January 22, 2014

    Sick, Snow, Rambles and Babies

    I was sick all weekend... I was dizzy, my body ached, my throat was sore and swollen, I constantly had a headache... I'm still a little sick today, but I'm feeling better.
    Yesterday was Zach's third birthday. I took the day off to spend with him and Lilly was home too because school was canceled due to snow. We played in the snow until Zach went face first into the snow off of a sled. His face was so cold and he wouldn't stop crying so we went in to warm up. At 4:15, the time he was born, me and Lilly sang him "Happy Birthday" and I lit a candle for him to blow out. He was going around all day singing happy birthday to himself too. It was too cute. His party is Saturday and I think I'm ready for it now. I just have to buy some cupcake mix and a helium tank and we're all set.
    The water here is supposed to be fine now, but I can still smell the chemical in it. We still aren't drinking or cooking with it. Mom was convinced that I was sick because of the water. I thought I had a douse of the flu. I never got any rest to help me get rid of it. Today is my first day back at work and I'm feeling a little better. I still could use some sleep and maybe some soup....
    Ok, so... all my life, I saw myself with 3 kids. I've always wanted 3. I tried to have a serious talk with hubby about having another child, but he just wasn't having it. He said he was done having kids and that is that. I don't know what his big deal is. He doesn't really deal with the kids... I do it all. He only jumps in when I tell him I need him to. Yeah, we'd probably have to move or build on to our house and I told him that we could wait a couple of year until he's making great money... but he didn't want to hear any of it. I really want another kid. I really do. Children just bring so much joy to my life. I love my kids to death. Yes, I do have days when I want to pull my hair out and there are days when all they do is fight and cry, but its all worth it. Part of me is wondering if he doesn't want to have another one because he doesn't plan on staying with me. I believe I did write about me catching him trying to cheat on me. I forgive too easily. If he's not happy in this marriage then he needs to attempt to fix what he belives is wrong or he needs to leave. I love him and I would like to go to counseling. The last thing I want is to be cheated on. I'd rather him just leave. I'll be happy alone with the kids. I've asked him about counseling before and he just says that he doesn't have the time. Maybe I should go. But a marriage cannot be one sided. Both people have to make an effort. That's one of the biggest problems. I try too hard and he doesn't try at all. I keep thinking that if I keep trying and be a wonderful wife, everything that he wants, that he will begin to make an effort and not try to sneak behind my back. I keep thinking that, but it hasn't worked yet. I guess he will never change. Part of me wonders why I stay. If he's clearly not happy and I'm not happy because he's not happy, then what's the good in it? Well.... that paragraph took a turn, didn't it? Ok, I want another kid, I want to stay with hubby, but if he's not happy and not willing to try then there's not point and I know I'll be happy no matter what happens. I love him, but if he can't love me back, I'm not going to fight for it and I'll continue on with my life and focus all my energy on the kids. I thought that by being on these anti-depressants, it would make my outlook on my marriage change, but just because I'm happier doens't mean he is. He's been drifting away before we even got married. He was wondering eyes and is very secretive and I've caught him a few times trying to cheat on me. Am I stupid to stay?
    Going off that topic now.... I think I've made up my mind.. If I ever make it back to school, I'm going to major in Business. It just seems like the most logical thing to do. Its what I know even though I don't really want to know it. That's what working at a bank for 6 years will do to you. I wonder if I'd be happy as a teller. At least then I could work with the public again. There's this place that is about to open up about half an hour from my house.... its kind of a recovery place for babies that are born addicted to drugs. I've looked into working there and the only thing I qualify for is front desk and it makes minimum wage. They are recruiting volunteers to come in and cuddle with the babies. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, but I don't have time to drive down there and cuddle. Maybe if they expand, they can open an office in the city I work and I can go cuddle babies on my lunch hour.
    I'm about to fall asleep due to lack of sleep these past 5 days, so I'm going to go make me some coffee.

    Friday, January 17, 2014

    Bad Water

    This past week has been difficult. Last Thursday there was chemical spill in the river and it swept into our water systems. We couldn't drink, wash, bathe or use the water in anyway. It smelled like candy and was bluish. We were put into a state of emergency. Friday, work was closed, schools were closed, day cares were closed, all restaurants were closed. I stayed in the house with the kids, I melted down the ice that we had in the ice tray and turned it off. I shut off the faucet to Zach's sink. By Friday night, I was reading on the news that most stores were out of bottled water. Saturday there were trucks upon trucks of water coming in. I went to the fire station and picked up 2 cases for my grandparents and took it to them. I went to the store and bought 2 cases of bottled water and 4 gallon jugs. Sunday, I went to mom's since she had clean water and me and the kids took showers. I filled up my empty containers and even the big 6 gallon water jugs we had stored away. On Monday, work was opened, they had bottled water coming in and hand sanitizer. I didn't go. Stayed home Tuesday too. Monday night, a few places were cleared to begin cleaning out their systems at home. I was not one of them. Work and my grandparents were clear. Slowly, throughout the week, more places were clear. As of 12:30 today, everyone was in the clear. We got cleared yesterday morning. We flushed out our systems, but I can still smell it. There's been reports of people breaking out in rashes and getting sick even after their water was in the clear. We aren't going to drink it for a long time. Zach did take a shower last night and he's fine. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands with the water and I'm fine. My bff took showers while NOT in the clear and she's fine. Its kinda like a hit and miss on who is getting sick from the water.
    Wednesday, Lilly went to grandma's to shower and Zach came to work with me. He had fun. He watched the portable DVD player I brought. He played with his cars. We climbed the stairs. We walked to Subway and got sandwiches. At the end of the day, I got an email to not bring him in anymore because he was a distraction. He was certainly quieter than the gals in this office yelling across the room at each other. So I sent an email back saying I have no other choice, I have no one to watch him while day care is closed and I'm not using my sick days when no one is sick. So... he came to work with me the next day and Lilly went to they Y, it was open for school age kids. We stayed at my other desk that was in a room off to itself. I let him run around all crazy and do whatever he wanted. He wore himself out, but wouldn't take a nap.
    Zach turns 3 on Tuesday!! I just now reserved the Y for next Saturday I was going to have it at my house, but I'm just expecting way too many people to show up now. I'm so not ready for this party. I haven't ordered the cake. I don't have any decorations. Events keep sneaking up on me. I've been so preoccupied with this water situation, that I didn't realize what day it was.
    I have a lot of cleaning to catch up on this weekend. I wonder how much of it I'll decide to do with bottled water.

    Tuesday, January 7, 2014


    Christmas was crazy busy, but the kids had a blast. I got to see family and eat some good food. I didn't, however, get any kind of vacation day on my week long vacation. I was always on the go. Zach was missing  his friends by the end of the week and Lilly had enough of me that I sent her camping with her father's mom. I missed her, but she had fun. She went out hunting with her too.
    Everyone stayed up on New Years and we set off fireworks. Hubby knocked some over and we almost got hit by them, but we all survived.
    The weather here sucks big time. Last night it was -7 degrees and this morning it was -3 when I got in my car. We've had a few snow storms, but nothing too bad. No school yet due to snow and cold weather, so Lilly's happy over that. She says she misses her friends though.
    I had a filling fall out of my tooth Sunday night, so I stayed home from work yesterday. The dentist couldn't get me in until afternoon. I had a giant hole in the side of my tooth!
    Zach's birthday is just 2 weeks away. I went Sunday and bought his big gift... a toy toolbench with tools. We are planning for a fire truck themed birthday party.
    Lets see- Christmas.... I'm pretty sure the kids got everything they could want and then some. Lilly was so happy about the trampoline and Zach didn't really know what it was. I got pretty much everything I asked for... a heart rate monitor, sports bras, nice pj's.... hubby even bought me a bike. My bff got me a Yoga mat and a Yoga video. The gaming chair I bought hubby has been claimed by Zach. Lilly got so much artsy stuff that she can't decide what she wants to do first. Last night she got out 4 things and did a little of all of them and then complained that she never finished anything.
    I've gained almost 10 pounds back from the almost 25 that I've lost. My pants are tight again. I'm getting back on track though. I let myself slip for the holidays, but its time to stop.
    I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and is staying warm.
    I know this is a really short post, but I've got a lot to do at work today.