Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Sick, Snow, Rambles and Babies

I was sick all weekend... I was dizzy, my body ached, my throat was sore and swollen, I constantly had a headache... I'm still a little sick today, but I'm feeling better.
Yesterday was Zach's third birthday. I took the day off to spend with him and Lilly was home too because school was canceled due to snow. We played in the snow until Zach went face first into the snow off of a sled. His face was so cold and he wouldn't stop crying so we went in to warm up. At 4:15, the time he was born, me and Lilly sang him "Happy Birthday" and I lit a candle for him to blow out. He was going around all day singing happy birthday to himself too. It was too cute. His party is Saturday and I think I'm ready for it now. I just have to buy some cupcake mix and a helium tank and we're all set.
The water here is supposed to be fine now, but I can still smell the chemical in it. We still aren't drinking or cooking with it. Mom was convinced that I was sick because of the water. I thought I had a douse of the flu. I never got any rest to help me get rid of it. Today is my first day back at work and I'm feeling a little better. I still could use some sleep and maybe some soup....
Ok, so... all my life, I saw myself with 3 kids. I've always wanted 3. I tried to have a serious talk with hubby about having another child, but he just wasn't having it. He said he was done having kids and that is that. I don't know what his big deal is. He doesn't really deal with the kids... I do it all. He only jumps in when I tell him I need him to. Yeah, we'd probably have to move or build on to our house and I told him that we could wait a couple of year until he's making great money... but he didn't want to hear any of it. I really want another kid. I really do. Children just bring so much joy to my life. I love my kids to death. Yes, I do have days when I want to pull my hair out and there are days when all they do is fight and cry, but its all worth it. Part of me is wondering if he doesn't want to have another one because he doesn't plan on staying with me. I believe I did write about me catching him trying to cheat on me. I forgive too easily. If he's not happy in this marriage then he needs to attempt to fix what he belives is wrong or he needs to leave. I love him and I would like to go to counseling. The last thing I want is to be cheated on. I'd rather him just leave. I'll be happy alone with the kids. I've asked him about counseling before and he just says that he doesn't have the time. Maybe I should go. But a marriage cannot be one sided. Both people have to make an effort. That's one of the biggest problems. I try too hard and he doesn't try at all. I keep thinking that if I keep trying and be a wonderful wife, everything that he wants, that he will begin to make an effort and not try to sneak behind my back. I keep thinking that, but it hasn't worked yet. I guess he will never change. Part of me wonders why I stay. If he's clearly not happy and I'm not happy because he's not happy, then what's the good in it? Well.... that paragraph took a turn, didn't it? Ok, I want another kid, I want to stay with hubby, but if he's not happy and not willing to try then there's not point and I know I'll be happy no matter what happens. I love him, but if he can't love me back, I'm not going to fight for it and I'll continue on with my life and focus all my energy on the kids. I thought that by being on these anti-depressants, it would make my outlook on my marriage change, but just because I'm happier doens't mean he is. He's been drifting away before we even got married. He was wondering eyes and is very secretive and I've caught him a few times trying to cheat on me. Am I stupid to stay?
Going off that topic now.... I think I've made up my mind.. If I ever make it back to school, I'm going to major in Business. It just seems like the most logical thing to do. Its what I know even though I don't really want to know it. That's what working at a bank for 6 years will do to you. I wonder if I'd be happy as a teller. At least then I could work with the public again. There's this place that is about to open up about half an hour from my house.... its kind of a recovery place for babies that are born addicted to drugs. I've looked into working there and the only thing I qualify for is front desk and it makes minimum wage. They are recruiting volunteers to come in and cuddle with the babies. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT, but I don't have time to drive down there and cuddle. Maybe if they expand, they can open an office in the city I work and I can go cuddle babies on my lunch hour.
I'm about to fall asleep due to lack of sleep these past 5 days, so I'm going to go make me some coffee.

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