I was just thinking how funny/weird it is that I've grown into who I am. I look back at my years in school and I like that person, but I am no longer that person. I look at who I was friends with, who I had a crush on, how I acted and how I treated other people. I was always nice and hung out with generally good people. I did have a group or two of friends that I would not associate myself with today. I also see where my crushes are in their life and I am glad that I didn't end up with them. Its one of those "I dodged a bullet" kind of moments.
I don't even talk to my best friend from kindergarten to middle school any more. She was the first person I had a sleepover with. I did gain a different group of friends outside of my other friends starting in the fourth grade and I stayed great friends with them until our senior year in high school. I still talk to them from time to time, but we have just grown apart. My best friend now.. I've known her since first grade, but didn't become friends until 7th grade. I slowly switched best friends and brought her into my second group of friends. I sort of feel like I'm growing out of her now. I feel like a little old lady compared to her. She still goes out to bars and clubs and drinks and parties. I never did any of that and I don't really want to. I enjoy the time I spend with my kids and my husband, but I don't think she understands that I don't want to do the things she does. But without her, I am basically friendless. I have a few gals that I talk to and hang out with, but none that are at best friend status. None that I can complain about my husband to or call up crying.
Everything was so simple in high school. I thought it was the toughest part of my life at the time, but looking back at it all now, it was a breeze. I didn't have a job or bills to pay. I did still have my brothers to look after and take care of, but its nothing like actually being a mother. I miss learning. I miss carrying a stack of books. I miss having my own homework and not making Lilly cry when she's frustrated over math.
I look back at when I first had Lilly. I knew what to do. There was never any question. It was just me and her against the world and we made it work. She grew up so fast. I'm now slowly selling her baby clothes and it makes me so sad. Not only has my little girl gown up, but by finally selling her clothes, I am acknowledging that I will not have another child after Zach. I found a pair of Zach's newborn socks the other day and I just sat and cried. Its funny how my priorities changed so fast. In a blink of an eye, it was no longer about me and I stepped up to the plate with no problems. I was prepared. I just think that one day I might look back and miss not being able to do what people my age do. I didn't get to finish college. I didn't get to 'party' even though its not really my thing. I don't regret my decisions, I'm happy with how I've grown and I'm happy with myself for making those decisions in the times that I did.
If I compare myself to my brothers... I kind of hate to say it, but I am better off than they are. I have 6 brothers. Mom told Tony the other day that she feels like she has failed all her kids but me. I hate to tell her, but I didn't succeed because of her, I did it all because of me. She didn't raise me to be like this.
I know I ran off track somewhere. This was just supposed to be about how I'm not who I used to be. What happened? I ramble sometimes. Whatever.
I've seen some of my past crushes on Facebook and I have to giggle. One is bald and so very religious. One is a drug addict. One lives off welfare. I've grown apart and out of my friends. All I really have is my kids and my hubby.... and I like it that way.
So... apparently I did something to my hand/wrist. I woke up yesterday morning and my left wrist hurt really bad. I wrapped it in an ACE bandage last night and woke up this morning to my entire hand swollen. My wrist hurts even more. I can't do simple things like type correctly, open a door.. I couldn't even hook my bra this morning. I had to take it off and hook it and then kind of crawl into it. I'm leaving work at noon to go get it looked at. People are telling me its carpal tunnel, but I looked it up and the pain and problems are on the opposite side of my wrist as what carpal tunnel is. I'm not saying its not carpal tunnel, I'm just saying that there is a very good possibility that its something else. I don't remember hitting my hand, bending it weird or anything. And I sleep with my arm, wrist and hand flat under my pillow... I guess I'll update you guys tomorrow, if I can.