Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Just Have No Idea.......

I believe that I was meant for great things. To do something more than to be a mother. To help people. To do great and awesome things. I have no idea what my purpose is right now, but I do believe that I was meant to do more. I love being a mom and I pride myself in being a good one. I just believe there should be more. My life revolves around my children, but one day they won't want me to be by their side every minute of the day. When that day comes, I know I will feel empty, but they need to learn and grow on their own. I don't want to hold them back. When that day comes, I want to be prepared and I want to have something else I can hold on to and put my energy into. My five year plan to have a giant foster home ran like a day care is at a stand still. I'd still love to do it, but I found out that one like that already exists in my area. I had no idea. I thought about trying to work there, but I don't think that will work out. I actually know someone who works there and she is there all the time. She basically lives there. I can't do that. I need to have my time reserved for my children while I still can. Maybe after they move on and move out, I can get a job at a place like this, but not right now, not at this moment.
With that said, what else am I supposed to do. I feel like a part of me is just trying to jump out and get out in the world. Am I supposed to invent something? Am I supposed to build something? I don't know. I just keep having this feeling that there is more for me out there and that I'm meant to do a lot of good. I don't have any special talents or knowledge of anything. I didn't finish college and get a degree to go great things like be a doctor or teacher. I can't sew. I can't even keep flowers alive. I have nothing to educate people about. I have no experience in anything. So what am I supposed to be doing here? I wish I could just get some kind of push in the right direction. I'm at a dead end job with no hopes of moving on.
One day I would like to go back to college, but I have no idea for what. I was originally going to be a high school science teacher, but I'm not even sure that's what I want to do anymore. Maybe a counselor or a therapist? I have no many problems myself, how can I help other people with theirs?? I wish I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in. I'm almost 27 and I'm lost. There are so many other people younger than me that have everything together, who are successful, who are doing what they want to do...doing what they were destined to do. Why am I lost? There just has to be something more.
I just keep thinking about all the things I do for everyone else and I wonder what it is that I do for myself.  I work. I do work that I certainly do not enjoy. Then I'm home caring for my family- cooking, cleaning, bathing, homework, playing.... never ending laundry... sitting back while hubby does whatever he wants to do. He wants to hang out with his friends... that's fine. I'll stay home and be with the kids and eat grilled cheese sandwiches while you're out feasting on steaks and going four wheeling and drinking.
I want to do special things with my kids. I want to take them places and show them new and exciting things. My heart is breaking because I can't do any of these things. Everything costs money these days and my bank account is always in the negatives as it is. I can't take my kids to ride a train. I can't take them out to eat or out for ice cream. I can't even make an extra trip out just to go to the park because of gas prices. I can't go back to school because I have zero extra money. I can't even go see a doctor for my depression and there is a big possibility that I'm bi-polar, but I can't afford the co-pays or the medication or even a therapy session. I can't even see me getting another job. For one-  the only things I have experience in doing doesn't pay well and I certainly don't want to do this kind of job again. For two- I can't see any other place allowing me to be so flexible with my job. I can leave anytime I need to tend to my children. I'd still love to work closer to home, but the only thing that will pay me even close to what I'm making now is another bank.
Why does money have to rule my life?
I haven't been on a true vacation since my honeymoon. I was wanting to take the kids to Disneyworld in the next couple of years. I was wanting to be the one taking Lilly...but her father is taking her in August.
I know I complain a lot on here. I just wish I knew where my life was headed and if it was indeed in the right direction. I want to do something big. I feel I'm meant to do wonderful things... I just don't know what that is. I feel so lost and empty.... and broke.

No comments:

Post a Comment