A lot of not so good moments going on in my life right now. I keep trying to think of what is still good and still smile, but its getting more difficult every day. My kids are what is keeping me going. If it wasn't for them, I probably would have run away somewhere. There are bad moments happening around me as well as to me and I just feel like I'm in a dark hole. I don't really want to do anything anymore. I want to stay home and cuddle with my babies. That's all I want to do. That's all that's keeping me happy right now. I don't want to go to work. That place has become almost unbearable to be at. I don't want to be at home, but I don't want to not be at home. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be around anyone. I haven't even gotten to really cry and just let my emotions out yet. I think if I at least did that, part of me would feel better. Maybe one day I'll put everything up here. I doubt it. Things I don't even want to think about anymore. I have plans... I'll be ok... in the long run. Its just, I'm not sure what to do now. I don't know how to handle this by myself, but I have to. There really are not other options.
The weather is rainy today. Matches my mood. Gloomy. Lilly's supposed to have a game today, but I doubt it'll go on. They'll cancel due to rain, but I won't get the phone call until its too late. I'm leaving early today because there's a game scheduled, but I won't get the call until probably on my way to the field.
Zach used the potty at day care yesterday. I bought pull ups so I can work with him more over the weekends. Hopefully by Christmas we'll be completely out of diapers and only using a night time pull up. That's what I'm hoping for. He'll be 2 in January. I can't believe it. My babies keep growing up on me. It makes me sad and happy and proud all the same time.
Going to see Mom Sunday. I'm going to bake them my awesome pizza casserole and make a fruit salad. I really want to see Donavan. He's been down in the dumps lately and I just want to make sure he's ok. I still feel like I'm supposed to take care of him.
I wish I had more vacation time at work. I'd leave today and just crawl back into bed. I'm taking my vacation week on the last week of the year. Taking Black Friday off, and the Thursday before Thanksgiving off. I only have 2 more days to use and I don't want to use them just because I don't want to be at work. I might need them for when the kids are sick or something. I only have 2 sick days left. Hopefully the day will go by fast. Hopefully things will get better.
These are the times that I wish I was seeing a therapist. Then maybe I'll get the answers that I need. Maybe I'd have the courage to do what needs to be done. I'll be ok, eventually.
EDIT~~~~ Feeling a bit better, but still kinda angry and nothing is resolved. Talked to someone who shed new light on the situation. Not really what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is. If it was what I wanted to hear, it wouldn't have been advice, right? Still depressed about it all. Hopefully time will heal all wounds.