I can't be the strong one anymore. Its tearing me apart. Mom keeps calling me crying and I try to just listen and be there and I try to give her positive feedback, but its getting hard. The coroner's office has released the bodies and now they are going to start planning for the funerals. Mom called me crying yesterday saying on top of everything else, grandpa is back in the hospital with chest pains this time. He has been admitted and that's all I know so far. My brother was supposed to call and give me updates, but he didn't. I'm going to have to call him today. Mom keeps saying that Heather just wants to kill herself and I told her to make sure all the guns are put away and keep her in sight. I told mom to tell her to think of her other kids who are still here and need her. I don't really know what else to say. I can't imagine the pain and heart ache that she is going through right now. Mom's trying to be strong for Heather, but as soon as she can, she calls me and falls apart. I thought about going to the book store today to get Heather a grieving book. I found some online that help you cope with losing a child/children, but I'm not sure how she'll take it. Would it be appropriate for me to get her this book? She might be offended or make her feel worse or she could really like it. I don't know. I was going to ask mom today about it.
The account I opened at work to go towards helping my cousin out hasn't gotten many donations. For a place that employs these people and pays them good money to sit on their butts, they are pretty greedy. I know that I'm one of the lowest paid people here and when someone needs help, I'm there to help. Last year, one of the girls best friend's house burnt down. Everyone made it out ok, but they lost everything. I gave her $100. I couldn't really afford it, but I knew they needed it more than I did. It just irks me that people aren't more willing to help out. My branch alone employs about 75 people and only 3 has donated. I'm going to offer it to mom first to go towards the after funeral where she's worried about feeding everyone.
During all this, I just keep thinking of my kids and I want to spend more time with them, but when we get home, they just kind of do their own thing and I don't want to be that mom that smothers them. I'll go in Zach's room and sit and watch Mickey with him and run around the house when it goes off. I go in Lilly's room and we'll play Bopit or talk about school. I offer to do crafts and things and if they want, they can, but otherwise, they just go their own way. I can't hold their hand all day. I wish I could and I would.
I don't really feel like doing anything. I just sit and stare most of the day. I'm still shocked and saddened and trying to think of ways to help. I'm worried about my grandpa who is in the hospital for the third time in less than a month. I'm worried about my mom who just had a heart attack and is dealing with all this. I'm worried about Heather who is going through the worst thing a parent could ever go through. I'm worried about Brandon who is lost his sisters and brother and is watching his mom fall apart. I'm worried about Donavan who is in the middle of everything, just standing in the background. I'm worried about my grandma who is wearing herself out going back and forth to the hospital. I'm worried about my own kids, hoping they stay safe throughout the day and wondering if I am being the best mom I can be. I can't really think of anything else. This has consumed my brain. I try to push it all aside, but it eventually comes back in a short time. I've been having days when all I want to do is eat, just to be doing something else other than thinking about all this and worrying, then there are the days when I can't eat and I just want to be left alone and I feel like throwing up all day.
With all this, its brought on the realization that my family isn't in the best health and I know their time is soon. Mom, had 4 heart attacks and is going through so much stress right now. My grandpa, he's having so many problems lately. My other grandpa, He's in so much pain that he takes daily morphine shots for it. And then there are the thoughts that run through my head about what could happen at any time. Tony just learned to drive and doesn't know all the dangers yet. My step dad is horribly over weight, as well as Donavan. My dad, Chris and my uncle are always on the road. I keep thinking that I need to check my smoke alarms in the house to make sure they work. I hate being in the basement now because there is only one way out and I'm more aware of it now than ever. I lay awake at night going through different scenarios in my head. If there was a fire, what would I do? If it started in the kitchen or the living room, how different would my decision be? What if someone broke in with a gun? Is my gun easily accessible to me, but not to the kids? Am I prepared for any kind of disaster? I saw on the news the other day where a private airplane crashed into a house. How can you prepare for that? Its one of those things that just happen. And now when I'm outside and hear an airplane, I watch it until its out of sight. I know that thinking like this isn't healthy, but I can't help it now. I'm constantly worried and always thinking about what could happen.