Thursday, June 13, 2013

Its My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

Sitting here at work on my 27th birthday and I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. When I was 18, I thought I had everything planned. I was going to have an awesome job by now and one that I actually love. I was supposed to have 3 kids or having the third one soon. I was supposed to have my dream house with the wrap around porch, huge kitchen, 2 stories, out in the country where the kids could ride their bikes on a dirt road. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to know my purpose.
Why do I always have to make my birthdays so depressing? My babies are getting older. My little cute babies that I used to hold and rock and pinch their cheeks. The babies who would press their open mouth to my cheek to give me kisses. The babies who would smile just at the sight of me. The babies that would giggle when I used their foot as a microphone. The babies that would cuddle and lay with me for hours while I watched tv. What happened to those babies?
What happened to me? Someone so full of energy and life has slowly began to die. I used to have friends. I used to do stuff. I used to have dreams and ambition. I used to have drive. I used to think that I could take on the world, that I was empowering, I was unstoppable, that I could do anything. What happened to that part of me? Now, I'm sitting at a job I hate, driving a car I hate, having the same every day routine, married to a man who I don't think loves me anymore, watching my kids grow up way too fast, not knowing where I want my life to go.
If I rubbed a lamp and a genie popped out and granted me 3 wishes to better my life and only for myself... not my kids or anyone else, I have no idea what I would ask for. Happiness... but how can that be defined as to what would make me happy? Health? To be skinny? Money? Friends? Time?
I think what I really want is for my kids to need me and for my husband to appreciate and respect me. I'd love to be closer to my family. Its been a month since I saw my mom or my brothers.
Where am I going? What am I doing? I keep wishing for things to change, but I do nothing to make the change the happen. Where would I even start?
This is why I hate my birthdays. Yes, I'm thankful I woke up this morning as well as my family. Yes, I am thankful for all the things I DO have. I know things could be worse. I know that. You don't have to point that out to me. I just wish sometimes that good things would happen to the good people, ya know. It seems like the rich are getting richer, the bad people are getting handouts and the ones that are trying are the ones struggling.
Hubby already blew the whistle and told me what he was getting me for my birthday. I was actually a bit surprised because its something I've been wanting and I'll use. Its an armband to put my phone in while I run. Been needing that.
I'd love for things to change and I know I'm the one in charge of making the steps towards the changes I want to see... but I don't know where to start or what to do. Maybe I'll have an epiphany one day.

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