Thursday, June 27, 2013

Still Breathing

Today is my mother's birthday. She's 51 today. My mom. I've learned so much from her and so much about real life. I've learned not to rely on other people, that you must be strong. I've learned how a child's heart can break when you want nothing to do with them. I've learned that a day without food won't kill me, but to a child, they think they are. I've learned that I can do whatever I want at any given time. I've learned that popcorn straight out of the microwave can burn. My mom's always seemed to do her own thing. My best memories of her from my childhood is me and her grocery shopping. That's about all I have. I still love her. She's my mom. I'll never have another one.
As I've grown older, we've grown closer. Having Lilly did help our relationship a bit. There's still plenty we don't agree on and we argue over how she treats my youngest brother. Even when we aren't getting along, we still call each other. Its weird in way. Most women grow up saying that they don't want to turn into their mother... I don't and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. For starters, my kids are number one and my needs get put on the back burner. For two, I am in better health. I don't sit there and blow smoke in my kids faces while stuffing my face full of potato chips. 3- I know how to care for other people. She gave me the opportunity to mature early. I grew up. Someone had to be the adult. So, here I am, 27 and I feel like I'm 80 most days.
Couldn't sleep again last night. The storm was keeping me up as well as my brain. Stupid brain just doesn't know its bedtime. I finally told hubby a little about my paranoia last night. He didn't say much.
I did a little research today and found out that my birth control very well may be the thing that's making me bat-shit crazy. Depression, nervousness, weight gain, headaches, leg cramps and low libido are all side-effects and I suffer from all. I do want to throw in bi-polar as well. Further reading into the side-effects made me want to go to a doctor about the leg cramps. It could mean a blood clot and I could die from it. So... I'm making me an appointment tomorrow. I've picked a doctor today that is walking distance from work. I'll tell them about my leg cramps and maybe throw in the depression on the first visit.
Lilly is going camping with her father this weekend. I really hope they remember to put sunscreen on her and reapply. She got burned last week while at his house.
No more weight loss. I went running Sunday and again Tuesday and I'm hoping to either go again tonight for tomorrow night. I'm eating right. I'm tracking all of my food. I don't understand why the scales aren't moving.
I think I want to try to give my blog some kind of direction instead of just making this a journal like place. I have no idea which direction I should take it. I've been reading quite a few blogs lately and they seem to just focus on one thing for each entry. I just ramble on and see where it takes me. Which I'm about to continue to do.
I need to try to have a yardsale. I just don't know how. I've never done it and I have so much stuff. I don't want to go to the basement, bring a load upstairs, take it outside, organize and arrange it and then have to go back down to the basemen to do it all over again. It'll take me all day to get that done. Maybe I could have a couple small ones instead of one big one, but I don't want people to not stop by because they were there the weekend before... ya know.. I'll have more stuff... different stuff.. come buy my stuff!!
I even thought about renting the community building, but even that would require me running up and down the basement stairs, loading it into my car, out of my car, in the building to organize and arrange and then back to my house for more to do it all over again for a few more trips. I just have soooo much stuff. I even thought about just organizing it all in my basement and having the people go down there and get what they want to buy. That way I don't have to lug it up the stair in so many trips.... but I don't want strangers walking through my house. If I had an outside door to my basement, it would be different, but you have to go through my house. I need to figure something out. I need to get my basement cleaned out.
Something I've learned... everyone has several sides to them. You're crazy, you're silly, you're quiet, you're loud, you're outgoing, you're reserved, you're into sports, you like to read.... there's so many sides to a person. Every other person that you are close with like friends, family, co-workers... you are you, but you are the you that you choose to be around them. I really don't think anyone can say, "You're the only one that knows the real me." Do you even know the real you? Does your boyfriend know the side of you that your mom knows? Does your girlfriend know the side of you that your brothers know? Do you act the kind of silly around your husband that you do with your best friend? Do you really tell someone ALL of your secrets, ALL of your thoughts? I saw someone post, "because he's the only one that knows the real me" on Facebook and it got me thinking if my husband knew the real me. He does, the real me that I am around him. Around my brothers I'm a different kind of goofy and a different kind of serious. Around my best friend I'm a different kind of caring and a different kind of silliness. Which one could really be the REAL me? They're all sides of me. Its all me. Its always just me. I think the people you are with brings out the different sides of you. I've heard, "you bring out the best in people" but does that mean that you are your best around them? Rants almost over.... If you don't act, talk, or think the same way around your significant other like you do your best friend, a sister or even your parents... then they don't know the real you because that part of you is still you. 

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