Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Long Ramble

My dreams are getting worse. Its almost to the point where I don't want to sleep anymore. Its always something.. the world is ending, we're being invaded, I'm all alone, I can't find my kids, fire is falling from the sky, I'm a prisoner, someone is trying to kill me, I'm hiding out, I'm fighting back.... I can't just have a normal dream anymore. I always feel so drained during the day because I don't sleep well. Even on the nights when I do sleep all night, I feel as if I lived my dream all night and I wake up sore and so tired.
New dog is doing ok. He whines a lot and the kids don't really want to play with him because he jumps on them. Hubby adores Oreo. He wants to take him everywhere. My car smells like dog now. I can't get him to leave the dog at home. Gotta break the news to him that Friday, the dog stays home while we go to Relay.
Yeah.. Relay is this Friday. My birthday is Thursday. Father's Day is Sunday. I don't expect anything special for my birthday, but it would be nice for a change. Mother's Day was nothing special to me really. I got to see my mom and grandma and more family, but as for hubby trying to make it a special day... nothing. I didn't want him to buy me anything, but a nice gesture would have been nice. So, just like every year, I'm not expecting him to do anything for my birthday. My boss does more than hubby. She was off last year on my birthday though and no one else in the office knew. I spent my day alone. Expect this year to be the same. I'll work as usual, go home and cook as usual. I'd love to take the day off, but if I want to take my vacation around Christmas, I can't really just take days off when I want. I'm running out of days. I think that every once in a while, I'd like to feel special... like someone put in some effort to make me feel happy. I'll get the birthday Facebook posts and texts and maybe a card from my grandma and the kids. I'd love for the kids to get along, hubby to make dinner, and to rent a movie. That's the ideal birthday.
I think I've decided to stay at my job. No one else will hire me anyway. I've tried. I've put my application in just about everywhere.
Weight loss has been at a stand still, but that'll happen when I can't go running but once a week. That half an hour of me time to run was great, but its slowly becoming a thing of the past. Something always comes up. Hubby is 'sick' and can't watch the kids while I go out. Its storming. We even went to his mom's house Friday to visit with her because she just got home from knee replacement surgery and I ended up spending more time with her than he did. I was wanting to go running, but he wanted us there as a family and he stays in the living room playing games on his phone while me and Zach are in the bedroom talking to her. If he didn't really want to visit with her, I could have gone running.
Getting back to my good eating habits. I fell off the wagon there for a bit, but I'm back on track. The depression is making it very difficult for me to stick to this. I tend to find my comfort in food and I'm trying to stop doing that, but its making the depression worse. I really need to get out and find a doctor. My main problem is that I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff with a doctor on my first visit. And I really don't want to have to keep going back. Do I go to a regular family doctor or do I seek out a psychiatrist?
Lilly's last ball game was Thursday and we had a party for them at the pool on Sunday. They got trophy's, ate cake and pizza, swam in the pool and played around. Zach loved the water. He was laying in the baby pool and even jumping off the sides into the pool. Lilly even went down the slide! Saturday Lilly went to a birthday pool party for one of her best friends. She had a blast, ate pizza, ate cake and didn't get sunburnt all weekend long. Her father needs to learn that it is possible for her to not sunburn. Just remember the sunscreen and to reapply it. I'm very nervous about her going on vacation with him. We've went this long without a sunburn and I know she'll come back a lobster. She always does.
Hoping to get out to walk during my lunch hour today. I need it. And hopefully I can go to the track tonight. I was wanting to go by myself, but I think my running buddy is coming along. I need to get her pace per mile down. When I run with her, we average about 18 minutes a mile. I can walk faster than that. Walking I average about 16 mins per mile. I did get down to 13:55 per mile last time I went running. Not my best, but I'm getting there. My best is actually a time that I went walking from work to the Capitol. I averaged about 12 mins that time. First race is just 2 months away. We gotta get in gear!
Summer camp has started for Lilly. She has a summer full of fun. She's going to pools, water parks, museums, caves, pottery place, inside inflatable place, out to eat, there's gonna be a carnival at the Y... all kinds of fun stuff. I wish I had something planned for her this summer to do. I wish we could go on vacation. I haven't been on a vacation since 2008. I usually take my time off to stay at home. I'd love to be able to take the kids somewhere nice. Zach has never been anywhere and we haven't taken Lilly anywhere since Six Flags. That place in Kentucky isn't even open anymore, that's how long its been!!
Zach is starting to tell little lies now. Last night I got a video of him in bed telling me that a friend from school had just hit him and he was really upset about it. When I told him that Jackson wasn't here, he changed his story to the dog hit him. I told him the dog was outside and he said the dog got his shirt and body and I told him again that the dog was outside, so then he tells me goodnight and lays down. Cracked me up.
I still haven't downloaded the Blogger app again yet. I don't really know what I'm waiting on. I'll do it when I get home today. I don't want to do it now because it'll take up too much of my battery and I usually end up going home with a dead phone anyway. My car charger doesn't work anymore. I don't know why. That's like my 5th one this year. They just suck. That's all I got.
I'm already hungry for lunch... and I just finished my breakfast. 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana. I brought leftovers from dinner for lunch today. Part of me wants to go out for lunch, but I'm trying to hold off until tomorrow. I wish I had someone close by who would go to lunch with me. Maybe I'll save my day out until my birthday. Have birthday lunch by myself. There's no other way, is there? Wonder if hubby will be willing to do lunch with me? Doubt it. I need more friends. Going out alone all the time really isn't all that great. Hubby works just 5 minutes away, but he won't go out to lunch with me. We haven't done that in years. I've tried, but he won't. He says that he's not allowed to do sit down lunches, that he's supposed to go get it and bring it back to work... and yet every Friday he and his co-workers go out to places like Red Lobster. Wow... typing that makes me really sad.
Today isn't a good day so far. I just want to go home and cuddle up in bed, but the dog is there. I can no longer go home to be by myself.... the dog is there and will whine.
Went out this weekend and bought Gone Girl because I loved Sharp Objects so darn much. I'm only 2 chapters in so far and I can tell that's its awesome. I'm hoping I can finish my list of 10 books before I'm 30. Time isn't really on my side these days. Its only 10 books, but finding enough sit down time and enough quiet is hard.
I tried going down in the basement to organize my things a little better so I can have a yardsale, but Zach kept going up and down the stairs. Not a big deal, but there's only one small rail on one side and concrete floor beneath. He slipped down one stair and I stopped and went upstairs. I got one box organized. I'm hoping to get $500 out of my yardsale. I have everything. I have baby stuff for a girl and a boy, I have junior girl clothes, I have toys, I have kitchen stuff, I have nik naks, I have Easter dresses, I have movies, I have books, I have shelves, I have shoes, I have so much crap that I don't even know how I'm going to do this.
I read somewhere yesterday that people are actually signing up to go live on Mars. Not visit Mars, live on Mars. Why would you want to do that? They are signing up to do this and studies aren't even finished as to whether or not someone can actually live there! There's nothing there. There's no shelter. Its cold there. There's no heat. There's no food or any way to get food. You're months away from a doctor or an emergency room. Sure, they can build you a bubble to live in that has air and stock you up with some food, but can they do that for so many people for the rest of their lives? Would you want to spend the rest of your life in a bubble so you can breathe? Would you want to live without having contact with your family? I don't understand. Yeah.. .its an adventure, but I just can't see how anyone would want to sign up for something like this when studies about the planet aren't even done to see if the place is even livable. I just don't get it.
Oh and as for that guy.. what's his name.. Snowden? That told the public that the government is spying on them.... I don't know why everyone is after him now. He did release top secret information, but the government was breaking the privacy laws. He's not the one who should be in trouble. They're calling him a traitor, which he is anything but. We all had our suspicions that our phone conversations were being heard, that our online activity was being monitored, that we are in fact being watched... which is all very very wrong on so many levels.. we knew, we had our suspicions, but this guy actually told us that it was happening. He told the truth. How does that make him a traitor? He informed the public of the government's wrong doings... how is he in the wrong? We should be demanding that the people that are committing these crimes against us be put away and treated as traitors. This Snowden guy is a hero. No, I have nothing to hide. I'm not committing any crimes. So why do I care that I'm being watched? Because its wrong and its creepy. I know I said in an earlier post that I don't care that they are motoring my internet activity as long as it means that they catch people who are terrorist, but after much thinking, I wonder why and to what extent to they research each person. Just because I do a search on chloroform or something, does that mean they will come knocking down my door and treating me as a terrorist? What if my curiosity on a certain topic leads me to see videos on how to build a bomb.. is me writing this going get me red flagged? There's a difference between keeping the public safe and digging into our private lives. If I put anything out there, like on this blog or on Facebook, I understand that its all public information and anyone at anytime can see it. That's fine. But if you want to start listening on my private conversations or watching  my every single move online, then there's a problem. They are putting too much effort into invading the good people's private lives and not enough effort into actually going out and being proactive in stopping terrorists acts. Let me throw something out there. During the Boston Marathon, there was reports and even ordinary people saying they saw and heard that there was a bomb search drill going on not long before the bombs actually went off. If there was a bomb search drill... why didn't they find the damn bombs? I watched online as a reporter asked someone, I think a cop or someone of the sort, about the drills and if they were conducting any at the Boston Marathon in the exact same spots as where the bombs went off... and the guy completely avoided her question and talked about the tragedy and how they are going to find who is responsible. What the hell?
I think I've rambled just a little too much. If I don't post again... you'll know I was found for my post about watching videos on how to make a bomb... even though I've never watched one. Oh, one more thing... if there's these people who are on the internet and searching for you and me and your best friend... why are they not out there taking down all these videos on how to make a bomb? Whey are they still up there for people to search for and learn from? Just a thought......

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