Yesterday Was.....Interesting

Yesterday I got a call from my youngest brother telling me that Seth is in the hospital because he was having suicidal thoughts. So I took off running the 7 blocks from my work to the hospital. The cops had picked him up after one of his friends called because he had sent a message on Facebook to a few of them suggesting that he was going to kill himself. I got there the same time as Jeff and we went in together. He seemed fine. A little scared. They had him in the ER in a basically empty room with a camera in the corner. A social worker came in and said that we can wait until mom gets there because moms know best and Seth said, "You don't know my mom. Mom does not know best, sister knows best, we can talk now." He explained what happened and I didn't see too much of a big deal. Thinking about suicide is a normal thing for me. Actually attempting it is another, however. He never attempted and never took any steps further beyond suggesting to his friends that he was going to. He was depressed over a situation, a situation that we've all been in. I told the social worker that it seemed like normal teenager behavior to me and she agreed. He had some cuts on his hand that he said was just more curiosity than anything and he knew it was stupid when he did it. He said all the hype in social media about being a cutter made him curious. That didn't seem to big of a deal to me. I used to carve in my hand for the fun of it. Tony was a cutter. Seth's was more like scratches instead of cuts too. If they were deeper, it would have been a red flag to me. Social worker said she understands that, but is a little concerned about his age. He's almost 19 and cutting his hand. This was the first time and I told her that Seth is alway behind the times. Jeff agreed with me on everything. Social worker left and I went to get Seth some food from the vending machine because he was hungry. While I was gone, mom slipped in and was talking to the doctor and going off about how Seth is depressed because he doesn't want to do anything. I stepped in and said that he's not depressed, this was an isolated incident that we all can relate to and he's just lazy, that's why he doesn't do anything. Seth totally agreed. Jeff was now taking mom's side. Seth was released just a couple hours after he had been in there. No reason for concern. Mom took him home with her.

Now, I'm not saying that he didn't think about killing himself, but its not an ongoing thought. He was depressed over this one situation and thought suicide was the way out of it. Now he's kind of on suicide watch at moms, but to tell you the truth, she's kind of the last person that should be watching.

I've been a little concerned about him for a while now and have told everyone to stop badgering him about getting a job and growing up. But they all kept on. This was not the reason behind this incident, but I'm sure it didn't help matters any.

Tony texted me this morning and was upset that I hadn't called him yesterday to tell him what was going on. I told him nothing came of it, that its not a big deal. If they had decided to keep him or if I had any major concerns, I would have called him.

On a different note.... Lilly's glasses are broken and she has to go a few days without now. Some kid stepped on them at the pool because I can never remember to pack her glasses case. I got a new pair ordered for her that should be around Tuesday at no cost to me at all. Also yesterday, Lilly wrecked on her electric scooter. She rode in the grass to get away from Zach who was trying to run her over with his Power Wheels 4-wheeler and she crashed, skinning up both knees, her right elbow and her chin. Poor girl. And so here was Lilly crying on my couch while I was trying to doctor her up and then Zach was outside crying because Lilly had pushed him away when he got too close to her elbow. I cleaned up her scrapes, but didn't have a bandage big enough for the areas, so I just let them go without. The bleeding stopped. I comforted Zach and he ended up going down the road with hubby and I was trying to make sure Lilly was comfy. I moved her to my bed and let her watch a movie. She slept ok and woke up with hardly any pain. She's going to a pool today too. She's going to be blind without her glasses and in pain from her scrapes.

Lilly's overnight camp at the Y is tonight. I hope her cuts don't bother her too much and she can have fun. I have to go shopping today for the cookout I'm having on Sunday. Well... I guess I could go Saturday....

Christmas in July?? Sure, Why Not!

My weight is now down to 179.8!! I have crossed the 180 mark. I gotta admit that I did do a little dance when I saw that number. After I had Zach, I got down to 170 but quickly gained and gained and gained. I'm almost there and I'm not going to stop!

You know what I did Saturday?? I got in the pool with the kids! Me. In a pool. I haven't done that in  years. First off, I'm not a water person. I CAN swim, but water freaks me out. Second, I hated the way I looked in a bathing suit. Now between losing some weight and loving the person I am and not caring what other people think, I went out and bought a bathing suit and then I actually wore it in front of people!! I gotta say that I did have fun with the kiddos and got a good workout in swimming around and pushing Zach in his floatie. He can kind of swim now with arm floaties on. He wore arm floaties and a ring floatie, but when I took off his ring, he was fine. He even jumped off the ladder into the pool. Lilly does flips in the water now too. Lilly had a nose bleed at the pool and we had to get her cleaned up. It was running down her arm and dripping onto her leg by the time we made it to the bathroom. Nothing happened. She just gets random nose bleeds. I had so much fun that I can't wait to go back. We left a little earlier than I wanted to because it started storming. Great workout!

I can't say that much else happened. I went this morning and got some blood work done to get my sugar and whatnot checked out.

Took Lilly for a haircut Friday. She got it cut above her shoulders. Looks good and I bet she's way cooler now.

My family is coming down to my house on Sunday for a cookout. I have to start cleaning and planning on what I'm going to cook! I'm so excited. No one's been here since I moved in. Mom, Jeff and 4 out of 5 of my brothers are coming. I have to make sure I cook healthy. Mom and Josh are supposed to be on a diabetic diet and the rest of them but Tony needs to lose weight. I'll probably do some chicken and some fish with corn on the cob, some summer squash, maybe a green bean casserole since its Tony's favorite and then maybe a fruit salad and some angel cake...

Lilly's campout at the Y is this Friday! She's super excited. I have to find her sleeping bag. She's done about $16 worth of chores so far and only has a few more days left to make it to $30.

I did my first bit of Christmas shopping today! I bought Lilly a lap desk with a light and a cup holder. I bought 2 more that have 'boy' designs on them and haven't quite decided who is going to get those. Probably hubby's 2 youngest nephews will. The youngest one starts Kindergarten this year... I think. And then I went ahead and shopped around some more and put some stuff into my online carts. I'm probably up to $300 or more so far. I won't be able to go shopping on Black Friday this year which is a huge bummer, but I'm sure most stores will have sales more than one day. At least that's how it was last year. The sales either lasted all day and it didn't matter what time you got there or they lasted a few days. I'm sure it'll be the same this year. I haven't quite figured out what hubby's big gift should be this year. I have an idea, but I'm not 100% sure I want to get that yet or not. I'm also  thinking of getting Lilly an ipod for her birthday. That's going to take some thinking too.

Feeling Better

My medication is certainly working. I feel happier, yes, but I also feel....lighter, like there's not this heavy weight inside of me pulling me down. I used to always feel like something was inside of me dragging me down, making me slower, heavier, darker, and I'd just feel worse about everything, but that weight is gone now. Hubby told me last night that I'm weird when I'm in a good mood. I guess weird is good now. At least I'm not brooding or crying or silent or sad. My anger outbursts have gone down too. I don't yell nearly as much as I did and so many things that used to bother me to no end just doesn't anymore. Its like I'm seeing everything with new eyes and a new heart. I can't believe I've waited so long to seek help. I've battled this alone for over 10 years and it was getting to the point where I couldn't even fake a smile anymore. Its wonderful.

And speaking of being lighter... I've finally hit the 20 pounds lost mark. So much hard work, all the pain, the hot nights running, the salads every day is paying off. I'm now down 20.6 pounds. That's almost 2 whole pounds in less than a week. I haven't even gotten to go running this week yet because its just been toooooo hot. Heat advisory= no run for me. I'm a wuss like that.  Even though I'm not out running, the weight is still coming off, so I know I'm doing something right. I now weigh 180.4 pounds. From 201 pounds on Valentine's Day to 180.4 pounds today! 5 months and 20 pounds later, I feel great. My clothes fit so much better.. or at least my shirts do. They're not tight anymore. My pants however, are too loose and I need to go shopping for more than just the one pair that I have.

So... hubby is close to getting a new job. Well.. a new position for the place that he works now, but it'll pay better and instead of working for an independent contractor, he'll actually be working for the plant working a reactor. A few more bucks on the hour too. I kind of hope he does get it, but part of me hopes he doesn't. He'll be working some nights and there will be days when we don't get to see him. I know a lot of families are like that, but I like that we're all on the same schedule. See... I'm even trying to be sad about not seeing him, but I don't feel that weight. I do feel sad, but without that weight in my heart, I don't feel like my sadness is genuine. I've just been living with it for long. I guess it really wasn't normal to feel that. Anyway... More money would be great and the work would be easier on him, but I hate that we'd go days without seeing him.

I've applied to work somewhere else too. I know someone that works there already and a girl I work with now is pulling some string for me to try to help me out. She knows someone that could probably help out too. I hope I get it. Closer to home. I may have already talked about this.

I think I'm going to go to the mall tomorrow for lunch. I need to get out of this building during the day. I've been here all week, taking my lunch at my desk because I didn't want to get out in the heat, but I'm going to go tomorrow. I get paid tomorrow and I'm going to scout out some sales for more clothes for Lilly for back to school and I'm probably going to buy Dark Places by Gillian Flynn too. Get Zach some more shorts too. I think we're down to 6 or something at home and if he has an accident, then I have to do laundry and I don't like doing laundry unless its laundry day. :-) We'll just see how much money I have left over after I pay day care and stuff.

I had a dream the other night where a plane crashed into the hotel a block from my work. I was in the mail room and felt this horrible shake like an earthquake and I remember feeling pain. I ran outside and then the plane exploded. I've also been dreaming a lot about bears. Big black bears. A lot of them.

Its about lunch time now. I brought left overs from last nights dinner. We ordered out. I ordered some pasta and stuffed bread and only ate half and brought the other half to work today. I'm proud of myself for that. If this was a couple months ago, I would have eaten all of it last night and went to bed with a stuffed tummy. I'm glad I have all of this under control now.

My Weekend

We are halfway through July and I don't know how we got here. This year has flown by so fast that I didn't even realize that its more than halfway over. What happened? I've been living in my new home for almost a year. Can you believe it? After all the searching, all the bad credit, all the fixing, all the saving, all the offers, all the let downs... we've been home for a year. I still don't have it decorated or anything. A year. A near empty house. Its weird.

Friday, I went running and got my best time. 11:44 minutes a mile and I went almost 3 miles. Felt great! Went home and showered then headed out to Walmart where I spent way more money than I anticipated. I bought me a pair of work pants that are a size down and they fit perfect! Bought Lilly some back to school clothes. Broke my heart to buy her training bras, but I figured it was time. I didn't start wearing them until 5th grade, but growing up was a thing about life that my mom didn't want to talk about. As much as it breaks my heart that she is growing up and as embarrassed as I think I'll get, I'm not going to let her face it alone.

After shopping, I went to the Y for lunch with Lilly and an art show. We ate hot dogs and I talked with her friends and played around with Lilly. I got to take her art home. I was trying to get back to pick Zach up before nap time, but I was 6 minutes too late. I left him there to nap and went home to read and then nap myself. An hour and a half later I went back and he was still out, but I woke him up and he was all smiles.

Headed out to the 'farm' Friday evening. We let off some bug bombs to get rid of gnats. We got there, ate some Subway. Bought Zach a 6 inch pizza sub and he ate all of it and kept saying it was delicious. I love hearing him say that. Blew up an air mattress for Zach to sleep on and went to bed. Got up Saturday and headed out to the woods where me and Zach sat on 4-wheelers and watched the men work, pulling fallen trees out of the woods. I kept trying to get Zach to get down and play, but he wanted to watch. He also gave me 3 dirty diapers while we were out there. I couldn't get him to lay down on the ground so I could change him, so I took him up to hubby's dad's deer blind. Its like a tiny little house. After they were done, we went back to camp for lunch and Zach took a nap. I took one too. Hubby came and woke us up and said it was time to go home. So, just like that, we went home to air the house out. The bug bomb did nothing. We still have gnats and there was even a spider still hanging out in Lilly's room! And we got more than enough for the space that we have. Oh, well.

I lost a pound. I'm down to 182.2 now. Its very exciting to see the scale moving again. Losing weight is still weird to me. I didn't think I was capable and here I am, almost 20 pounds lighter!

I was going to get my blood work done this morning, but I woke up kinda sick and I thought better of it. I'll try again tomorrow.

Yesterday, Zach wrecked his power wheel. He was going up the hill behind our out building and he tipped it, trapping himself between the power wheel and the building. He has a little bruise on his hip, a red mark on the side of his head and a scratch along his neckline on the left side. He was more scared than hurt. I ran and picked him up and he cried, but it wasn't his hurt cry so I knew he'd be ok. We went inside for a drink of milk. He went all day without a nap and crashed right at bedtime.

I think my medicine is helping. Tomorrow will mark a week and I've been in better spirits. But.. this is my good week out of the month. We'll see how the next 3 weeks go. I haven't been too sick from it and it doesn't make me that drowsy anymore.

I'm almost done with the book Gone Girl. Its ok. Lots of weird little twists and turns, but kind of predictable for me. There's very little that happens that I haven't guessed already. I don't want to ruin it for anyone that is reading it. I would recommend it. I mean, its good. Written very well and I like Gillian's style. I just have a bad habit of knowing what's going to happen before it does. I do it with movies and tv shows. Hubby kinda hates when I voice my predictions aloud. He thinks I've already seen it and I'm trying to ruin it for him.

Oh and the dog. I'm kind of at the point where I regret getting the Oreo. The idea of him seemed like it was something we could handle. I think we should have gone with an older dog. I liked the idea of Zach growing up with a dog, but now I wish we would have gotten one a year old or something instead of a puppy. I feel bad leaving him outside while we're at work, but he's going to be an outside dog. He still bites and jumps on the kids and Zach is still afraid of him. He's a little too hyper and rough for Zach. I know we're still in the training stages and we've only had a him a little over a month, but it seems like forever. I just wasn't ready to have another baby in the house. At least if I was pregnant, I would have 9 months to prepare myself. Oreo was a spur of the moment decision and black lab really wasn't what we were looking for. I hope he calms down for Zach's sake. We got him for the kids and they won't go near him. Hopefully soon we can get all that fixed.

Short Note

I slept a little better last night. The medicine still made me a little tired and dizzy but not as bad. I do have the shakes pretty bad today. Yesterday I felt like I was in a dream all day, like I was just floating along. The day went by fast, I didn't have very much of an appetite and I was tired all day. Of course all that from yesterday could have very well been from where I was tired. I didn't feel sick at all last night, so maybe it was something else that made me feel that way. Maybe something I ate? I still feel.... weird.

I didn't work out at all yesterday. No spinning class. No running. No Wii. No weights. Just rest. I'll probably lift my weights tonight and I'll go running Friday morning. Maybe even take a nap too. Still haven't lost any weight, but I haven't gained any either.

I can't think of anything else to write about right now. My brain is switched off or something. I told my mom about the medicine I'm on and she said she's on the same thing and that it will mess with me for a while before I get used to it.  I can't stop yawning. I could go to sleep right now.

Oh, picked the kids up from the Y and Zach's teacher looked like she was about to pull her hair out and I asked her what was wrong. Apparently Zach had made a big mess in the bathroom. He splashed water out of the sink and somehow clogged it up too. Water was all over the floor. Another boy was eating toilet paper. He'll take it off the roll, dip in the toilet and then eat it. How gross is that? I hope he doesn't get sick from it. I feel for those girls. They are dealing with so many kids by themselves. I know Zach is a handful by himself and just throw a few more in the mix, I'd pull my hair out too. There's one teacher in there in the afternoons and if one kid has to go potty, she just kind of has to let him go by himself. She can't leave the rest of the kids in the classroom alone. A lot of times when I get there, I'll stay in the room and let the teacher help a kid in the bathroom or even run to the bathroom herself. Of course its against the rules, but I do it anyway. I've always done that and I'm sure I'm not the only mom that does it.

My coffee is cold now and I'm out of K-cups. Looks like I'm going to the store tomorrow too.

Working on a New Me

I went to the doctor yesterday. I hadn't been to see a family doctor since 2009 and decided it was high time to go. I love this new doctor. He's great! He's personable, he doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, he listens, and he kind of reminds me of the kids' paediatrician. I told him I was wanting to get my all my blood stuff checked and he wrote  me up a lab order for me to go anytime I want as long as I fast beforehand. I plan on going next week... well.. .I might go tomorrow. He also put me on Citalopram which is the generic brand for Celexa. It treats major depression. We talked. I knew I was depressed and told him that I just can't do it by myself anymore. I didn't know I had major depression. I guess deep down I knew, I knew that it was bad. The medicine also treats OCD and has some weird side effects. I believe it made me sick last night. I was up for an hour and a half with extreme nausea, hot flashes, dizziness and my hands were shaking pretty bad. I can't really confirm it was due to the medicine, so I'm going to try again tonight and see what it does. He said that it can also cause nightmares, but I already have those pretty bad. We talked about those too. He's super great. I still feel kind of weird today, but it could be due to lack of sleep. I even got up earlier this morning so I could go to a new spinning class before work, but I was the only one that showed up so it got canceled. I feel really bad for waking the kids up early. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Put them to bed a little early, get them up a little early and get some good exercise in.... but it didn't work out too well.

Went for a run last night but I didn't quite finish. My running app was messing up really bad. It quit beeping to give me running/walking intervals and then it paused by itself and I didn't know for a while. When I tried to unpause it, it wouldn't and then none of the buttons would work. So I just stopped it. Pretty glad I did because I was running out of time to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I saw my short run as an ok thing because I was going to go to a spinning class in the morning.........

Lilly went to The Pottery Place yesterday with the Y. She said she painted me another coffee cup which I am super excited about. I'm still drinking out of the one she made me 2 years ago.

Hubby bought the kids new toys. We got Lilly a bigger bike that is purple and Zach got a bigger Power Wheels that is a 4-wheeler. They loved them. Zach still has trouble understanding that he can turn around without getting off to spin it. He ran into our cars a couple of times. He wasn't watching where he was going and rammed into hubby's truck. He turned it and rammed into my car. He slammed it in reverse and hit hubby's truck again and then he clicked it back to forward and hit my car. He wouldn't take his foot off the pedal. He's used to pushing a button with his thumb on the steering wheel. It was kind of comical. I told hubby he needs a helmet asap.

I started a chore list for the kids and they get money for doing things. Lilly is wanting to go to the camp out at the Y, its $30 (I thought it was $20) and she has to do $30 worth of chores. So far she only has $3. I put small amounts on the chores. Feed and Water Oreo is $1. Stacking the shoes is $.50. Sweeping is $.50. The only one that's above $1 is eating veggies and I made it $2. Zach only has $.50 so far because he gave Oreo a treat.

I wonder if the medicine messes with my appetite too because I haven't had breakfast yet and its about 3 hours past when I usually eat. I'm not hungry. Even my coffee is kind of grossing me out. Now its about lunch time and I'm still not hungry.

Today is actually going by pretty quickly even though I feel like I'm just sort of floating along. I need more sleep tonight.

I'm taking Friday off because the Y is having a family lunch and art show for the kids in day camp. So, I'll go and eat a hot dog and see some art and spend time with Lilly. Me and Zach will get up in the morning (Lilly will be at her father's), and I'll take him to day care. I'll go for a run before it gets too hot. I'll come home and take a shower and then go to the Y for lunch and pick Zach up and go home.

My pace per mile last night was around 12 mins!!!!! Yeah, I didn't finish, but I went for about 20 mins and my app was even messing up. It said that I did the 19th minute super slow. I was stopped trying to fix my app. I'm very proud of that time. I was running faster than I usually do and I sped up my walking time. I think when I go Friday morning, I'm not going to use the part of the app that tells me what to do. I'm going to go on my own and see how well I do. I'll still use the app to track my movements and my time and stuff. Oh, I just checked and the next activity is a 2.5 mile run, so I can use that. It doesn't beep for intervals when I do this.

I'm starting to get a headache now. Maybe I should go and try to eat something...

Why Are Chirstmas Songs in My Head???

Rain. That's all I see anymore is rain. Its been raining on and off for 2 weeks now. A day doesn't go by when it doesn't rain at least a little. I'm so tired of the rain. Just give me one day off from the rain. I was supposed to go see mom yesterday, but the rain was just too much. The city's roads were flooded and mom's hill was nothing but mud. We didn't even get to set off fireworks Saturday because of the rain. The horrible sudden downpour of rain. Some of the fireworks got too wet and are now ruined. Zach burned his thumb on a sparkler. He touched it after it went out and before I could get to him. I was holding a baby and trying to help out all the kids with their sparklers and I just don't have enough hands. He's ok. He cried for a bit and we put toothpaste on it since we didn't have any burn cream. Then he smeared the toothpaste all over his head and he was sticky. No blister. I did get to see 2 of my brothers, my uncle and one set of grandparents yesterday so the day wasn't a total bust.

My weight is down to 183.2. Not really too much to celebrate. The weight loss is going very slow now. I need to get more active, but the rain is making it hard to get outside. I'm going to wait until I'm down to 180 before I completely go down a pant size. So, 3 more pounds and I can start digging out some old clothes. I can wear it now, but I want to wait. I really didn't get too much exercise this weekend. I was on my feet all day Saturday though.

My running is getting a little better. My time is still lower than I would like, but I can jog further distances without having to slow down and walk. I just really need to work on the walking and go faster.

Here's a bit of good news. The police station is hiring office personnel and I'm more than qualified. I'm applying and I have my fingers crossed that I get the job. I know a girl that works there and hopefully she can start telling everyone just how awesome I am. Its closer to home and closer to hubby's work. I asked the girl I know if me leaving every now and then to tend to the kids would be a problem and she said nope. She said that I get more than enough sick and vacation time and as long as I use that, they don't really care. Visiting family in the hospital will become a little of a problem since the hospital is a little further away. Dropping Lilly off to my grandma's would be more problematic since its further away and I don't think I could bring the kids in to work with me. I'm applying to it and I'll work out all the kinks later if I get it.

I was feeling a bit sick yesterday. I'm kind of glad I didn't get to go to mom's. After I got home from grandma's, I felt like someone just hit me with a bus. I laid on the couch and cat napped. I hardly ate yesterday too.. until about 10:00 at night when I got my appetite back. We watched Identity Thief last night and it was a very hilarious movie. I've been dying to see it and it was great. I've been quite disappointed in movies lately. The past few that we've rented, I've fallen asleep an hour into it. Django, Snitch, and a couple others I don't even remember the names to. I'm not saying they were bad movies, they just couldn't keep me awake.

OH, for the cookout on Saturday, Lilly made a fruit pizza. All I did was cut up the fruit for her and she did the rest all by herself. We bought strawberries and blueberries and she arranged them to look like the American flag. She did a great job on it.

My best friend's baby shower is a little more than a month away. We have nothing planned, really. We just got together on Friday to make lists of games, food, people to invite, prizes and whatnot. I'm excited. She's having a girl and I think they are going to name her Sadie. She's not having such a fun time being pregnant. I loved it! I loved everything about being pregnant and I would not hesitate to do it again. She said that she doesn't like the feeling of the baby moving, but I thought that was one of the best parts! I told her to play with Sadie. When she kicks, poke her foot. Put something on your belly for her to kick and push and play with. She only has 2 1/2 months left.

So, I took a break from typing this and went out for lunch. I went to the mall and tried on some bathing suits and I actually bought one. I haven't been in one since 2008. I took a picture of me in it and sent it to hubby making a weird face. I've still got a long way to go before I'm really comfortable in a bathing suit. Not to mention that I'm not a water person, but I will get in the pool for my kids. I'm trying to not care so much about what I look like now... as long as I FEEL good, that's all that should matter. I bought a size 14 and it fits. Its sad to me to be happy about a size 14 when I remember I cried the day I had to buy that size because my size 12 jeans were too small. A lot has happened these past few years. When me and hubby first got together, I was wearing mini skirts! Can you believe that? Now, its a rarity to see me in anything above my knee. But here's to a new me! I'm losing weight and getting back to where I want to be and I'm also learning to be comfortable in my skin and love myself. :-)

I Believe I Can Fly

I just want to take this time to talk about what all I've accomplished on my mission to getting healthy and losing weight. I am now down 17.8 pounds and I can run almost half a mile without stopping. My pace per mile is right around 13 minutes. When I first started, my pace per mile was about 16. I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud of the fact that I am running now, that I CAN run. After high school I thought I would never run again. I thought the people that I saw out in town running were silly. I never knew the joy and the benefits of running until now.

I usually go running around the track at the middle school about two miles from my house. Sometimes I run to the track, sometimes I drive. Sometimes I'll run from my house to wherever I want to go and back. I was using my lack of time as an excuse to not run, but I've began to love it and I feel empty without it. Its my me time. Its my reflection time. Its my hour every other day to my path to a more healthy life.

I've made a doctors appointment for next week. Just a routine thing. I'll get my blood work done and see just how my health is at this point. I want to see the difference between now and 2009 when I last had it done. I had just quit smoking and was pregnant with Zach last time. I also did weigh less by about 10 pounds.

My food is healthier.... so much more healthier. I don't eat deep fried foods anymore. I hardly eat chips or candy. I'm eating way more fruits and veggies. I don't eat fast food. When I do eat out its usually somewhere like Subway. I eat fish now. I hadn't eaten fish since middle school.

I'm bringing this up because not only have I come such a long way, but my mom is back in the hospital for chest pains. She went in 2 days ago and is getting out today. Turns out that it was just her new medicine that was giving her problems. I am trying to push myself in the direction AWAY from heart disease. That's one of the things that scares me the most, having a heart attack. Mom's had 5. Her first one was exactly 13 years ago. She's had triple bypass surgery. She's had so many problems, and I'm trying to not repeat it. Heart disease and diabetes, along with high cholesterol and high blood pressure all run in both sides of my family. I'm hoping that by changing my lifestyle I can avoid all of these things. I'm also hoping that by changing my lifestyle, I can introduce the kids to a healthful life that they will keep with them even after they've moved out and had kids of their own.

Sunday I took Zach to the track with me because I really needed to run. Pushing his stroller became more of a problem than I thought. I got him out and he ran around the track with me. He ran one whole lap without stopping. I was so proud and he was so happy. He giggled the whole time. I hope I can keep both my kids active. Lilly loves to run and she loves sports. I just need to get her eating habits to change. Zach loves to be active and from the looks of it now, he's going to play baseball. He loves baseball.

I never thought in my life that I would end up obese. I never thought that I would ever not be healthy. I never thought that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted to anymore. I never looked at myself as a person that works out or watches what I eat. My first step was a year ago when I joined the gym. I didn't see any results from my membership and I went nearly every day for at least an hour and I worked hard.. but the problem was that I wasn't watching what I was eating. I thought I was, but I wasn't.

The first time I walked in that gym, I felt so weird. The first time I went running, I felt weird. Now it feels natural and I can't not do it anymore.

Still Breathing

Today is my mother's birthday. She's 51 today. My mom. I've learned so much from her and so much about real life. I've learned not to rely on other people, that you must be strong. I've learned how a child's heart can break when you want nothing to do with them. I've learned that a day without food won't kill me, but to a child, they think they are. I've learned that I can do whatever I want at any given time. I've learned that popcorn straight out of the microwave can burn. My mom's always seemed to do her own thing. My best memories of her from my childhood is me and her grocery shopping. That's about all I have. I still love her. She's my mom. I'll never have another one.

As I've grown older, we've grown closer. Having Lilly did help our relationship a bit. There's still plenty we don't agree on and we argue over how she treats my youngest brother. Even when we aren't getting along, we still call each other. Its weird in way. Most women grow up saying that they don't want to turn into their mother... I don't and I think I've done a pretty good job so far. For starters, my kids are number one and my needs get put on the back burner. For two, I am in better health. I don't sit there and blow smoke in my kids faces while stuffing my face full of potato chips. 3- I know how to care for other people. She gave me the opportunity to mature early. I grew up. Someone had to be the adult. So, here I am, 27 and I feel like I'm 80 most days.

Couldn't sleep again last night. The storm was keeping me up as well as my brain. Stupid brain just doesn't know its bedtime. I finally told hubby a little about my paranoia last night. He didn't say much.

I did a little research today and found out that my birth control very well may be the thing that's making me bat-shit crazy. Depression, nervousness, weight gain, headaches, leg cramps and low libido are all side-effects and I suffer from all. I do want to throw in bi-polar as well. Further reading into the side-effects made me want to go to a doctor about the leg cramps. It could mean a blood clot and I could die from it. So... I'm making me an appointment tomorrow. I've picked a doctor today that is walking distance from work. I'll tell them about my leg cramps and maybe throw in the depression on the first visit.

Lilly is going camping with her father this weekend. I really hope they remember to put sunscreen on her and reapply. She got burned last week while at his house.

No more weight loss. I went running Sunday and again Tuesday and I'm hoping to either go again tonight for tomorrow night. I'm eating right. I'm tracking all of my food. I don't understand why the scales aren't moving.

I think I want to try to give my blog some kind of direction instead of just making this a journal like place. I have no idea which direction I should take it. I've been reading quite a few blogs lately and they seem to just focus on one thing for each entry. I just ramble on and see where it takes me. Which I'm about to continue to do.

I need to try to have a yardsale. I just don't know how. I've never done it and I have so much stuff. I don't want to go to the basement, bring a load upstairs, take it outside, organize and arrange it and then have to go back down to the basemen to do it all over again. It'll take me all day to get that done. Maybe I could have a couple small ones instead of one big one, but I don't want people to not stop by because they were there the weekend before... ya know.. I'll have more stuff... different stuff.. come buy my stuff!!

I even thought about renting the community building, but even that would require me running up and down the basement stairs, loading it into my car, out of my car, in the building to organize and arrange and then back to my house for more to do it all over again for a few more trips. I just have soooo much stuff. I even thought about just organizing it all in my basement and having the people go down there and get what they want to buy. That way I don't have to lug it up the stair in so many trips.... but I don't want strangers walking through my house. If I had an outside door to my basement, it would be different, but you have to go through my house. I need to figure something out. I need to get my basement cleaned out.

Something I've learned... everyone has several sides to them. You're crazy, you're silly, you're quiet, you're loud, you're outgoing, you're reserved, you're into sports, you like to read.... there's so many sides to a person. Every other person that you are close with like friends, family, co-workers... you are you, but you are the you that you choose to be around them. I really don't think anyone can say, "You're the only one that knows the real me." Do you even know the real you? Does your boyfriend know the side of you that your mom knows? Does your girlfriend know the side of you that your brothers know? Do you act the kind of silly around your husband that you do with your best friend? Do you really tell someone ALL of your secrets, ALL of your thoughts? I saw someone post, "because he's the only one that knows the real me" on Facebook and it got me thinking if my husband knew the real me. He does, the real me that I am around him. Around my brothers I'm a different kind of goofy and a different kind of serious. Around my best friend I'm a different kind of caring and a different kind of silliness. Which one could really be the REAL me? They're all sides of me. Its all me. Its always just me. I think the people you are with brings out the different sides of you. I've heard, "you bring out the best in people" but does that mean that you are your best around them? Rants almost over.... If you don't act, talk, or think the same way around your significant other like you do your best friend, a sister or even your parents... then they don't know the real you because that part of you is still you. 

Holy Cow

I am so tired today. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept having the same boring dream over and over again. I was in my kitchen making my salad for the next day's lunch. THAT'S IT! After all of my horrible dreams that have me up every other night, a salad is what keeps me up now. It was just so boring! I woke up every half an hour and when I went back to sleep, there was my salad again. It was a looooooooong night.

5 year anniversary was Friday. He got me a chocolate diamond necklace and here I am with only a wooden figurine to give him. We went out to eat kind of late and ended up at a place that Lilly wouldn't eat. I told him to go somewhere else, but he kept insisting.

Saturday we took the kids to the pool and they had a blast. Hubby didn't so much. 2 little boys kept following us around the pool and splashing him. I got a good laugh out of it. Later that night I took the kids out to catch fireflies.

Sunday, hubby went to Ohio to get fireworks. Me and the kids had a picnic and a water balloon fight. After I realized that Zach wasn't going to nap, we went out for some frozen yogurt. Hubby got home about the same time we did.

I think I need my eyes examined again. I can see fine, except when I'm on the computer. Everything gets all blurry.

The fire fighter who got arrested back in February for shooting at his wife and kids at a grocery store's parking lot, was released on a property bond Friday. He and hubby don't quite see eye to eye because he is dating hubby's sister. A move by her that we don't understand or support. She has 4 kids and I'm pretty sure she kicked her husband of 20 years out and divorced him so she could be with this guy. Things have been rough with her for a few months and this other guy has been in jail. But now he's out and his trial isn't until September. I'm now scared to be home without hubby. This guy shot at his kids and  his wife and then dumped the gun at Lilly's school. Its hard to tell what else he has planned for anyone else. I know he and hubby are going to end up fighting before this is all over. Hubby's oldest nephew has been reporting back to us everything that's been going on. Hubby's nephew spent his 16 birthday by himself mowing the grass while his mom and her boyfriend were out. Later that night, his mom was out with the boyfriend and someone tried to break into her house. He called his mom. She didn't come home. Hubby went over and made sure everything was ok. And to top everything off, this jailbird is flirting with hubby's 13 year old niece and her mom either can't see it or doesn't care. She's sitting on this guy's lap! He's always hugging on her. A lot is going on with this guy and I don't like it. He hasn't even been out of jail for a week yet and I'm already a nervous wreck. He's even out running fire calls again. Thankfully, I think they found a way to be able to kick him off the fire station without him being able to fight it. I know where my gun is, the clip is in, but not all the way. All it'll take is me 3 seconds to push the clip in and cock it. It just blows my mind that hubby's sister is letting him stay at her house around her kids and flirt with her daughter. What the hell??!!

It was actually to the point where I was considering her a really close friend. We got along great and I liked hanging out with her. But then she pulls this. I don't trust the guy. I don't trust her judgment. I'm scared for what's going to happen. I pray for her kids every night.

OH, and get this... the night before he pulled the gun on his wife and kids, this guy takes all of the guns that are in his name and takes them to his dad's house except the one that he used. Planned? I do think so.

So, this is what has been consuming my mind. Saturday, when me and the kids were out in the yard in the dark catching fireflies, hubby leaves in a rush. Doesn't say a word. Runs out of the house, gets in his truck and leaves. He doesn't turn toward the main road like he's going to the fire station. He heads the other way towards where this guy's house is. First thing that runs through my head is, "OMG, he went to his house and his wife was there and they are fighting." Or something. I thought something horrible happened. He's not allowed around his house until the divorce is final. So, I rush the kids in the house and get them in bed where I know where they are. Grab my gun and lock all the doors. I turn as many lights on as I can without it looking weird. I stand in the hallway before the kids bedrooms where I can see the front door and hear everything else. I'm ready. Hubby comes home and says that it was just a fire call for a brush fire, but it turned out that it was a controlled burn. And guess who else was running the call... jailbird! In hubby's sister's van, with her and her daughter there too. Hubby said he didn't even get out of his truck. He just sat there and watched.

My next thought is going to the July 4th party we always go to at hubby's best friends parent's house. That's where we always set off fireworks that they went to Ohio for. I bet jailbird shows up there. He's always gone and 'helped' set off the fireworks. He mostly ends up knocking them over or getting in the way. I hope he's smart enough to not show. After that is the fire fighter picnic. I hope if they find a way to get him suspended from the station, he can't go to this either.

I've never liked the guy. From day one, I despised him. There was just something about him that I couldn't stand. I told hubby several times that I hated being around him, that he's nothing but a no good drunk who if probably on drugs. "No, he's a good family man." is what hubby would say. He drank beer like it was water, didn't give a damn about his kids and always looked high on something. Everyone loved him. He was a hoot to be around. A guy to go to for a good laugh. I was the only one who didn't like him and everyone thought I was crazy. So.... a couple weekends ago, I threw the ol' "I told you so" in hubby's face. I probably shouldn't have, but for 5 years, I've been warning him about this guy. I don't hate people for no good reason. There's always a reason even if I don't know it. I like most of his friends. It was just this one guy and there's one girl I can't stand and I can blame hubby for her being around. We went out to eat with a group years and years ago and she was our waitress. One guy thought she was cute. Hubby gave her the guy's number, even though I told him not to. All they do is fight now. Married 3 years, I think. Can't stand her.

I went running Sunday and got my pace per mile down to 13:39. By the time of the first race, I want to be down to around 10 minutes per mile. Which means that I need to get out more. If we don't hit up Walmart tonight, I'm going running. I'm saving up time at work so I can leave early on Friday's and go running from work.....if its not too hot and humid. I don't want to pass out or anything. I'm only down 16.4 pounds and I should be further along by now. I need to kick this into gear and run more.