Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Time has been getting away from me lately. I need to learn to slow down. I'm rushing around way too much nowadays and stress is bringing me down. I've been trying to find time during work to get out and walk, but then there are days when I have to leave early for Lilly's softball and such and it puts me behind my work or my hours.
Lilly's team won their first game on Saturday. It was 14-2. They have another game today. Practice was last night and it went for 2 1/2 hours! The girls were goofing off in the beginning and the coach couldn't get anything done. It was hot though and they were miserable standing out there in the field. Zach and a boy his age, Luke were chasing bees, playing in the dirt pile, and running around. We got Lilly a new bat and she thought she couldn't hit the ball with it. But after we showed her that it was the exact same length and weight as another girl's bat that she's been using, she was ok. I knew her old bat was getting too short for her, but I kept forgetting to get her a new one.
Monday was Zach's first full day in the 2 year old room at day care. One of the teachers told me that room is more structured but the kids are more chaotic. She pulled me aside on Friday and was really upset because Zach told her NO for the first time. She was in the one year room with him too and she moved when he moved. I told her that he went to bed late and was cranky, but we've hit the terrible two's and she's probably going to hear that a lot more out of him. She said that he's her favorite and she knows that he's probably just mimicking the other kids, but I told her the Zach does indeed have a wild and cranky side and that he's not all lovey and smiley all the time anymore.
I had hubby light our fire pit and we made S'mores last night. Zach likes playing with the fire and catching is marshmallows in fire. Lilly was roasting them faster than I could put the graham crackers and chocolate on a plate. I think we all ate 2 except for Zach who ate half of one and was a total mess. Then we was eating the marshmallows and spitting them back out in his hand.
I've started jogging in preparation for the 5k I've signed up for. I was trying to get to go last night, but things ran late and I don't want to go in the dark by myself. I've lost a total of 13 pounds now. I finally got that other half pound to go away! I'm back on track after my week or two of hectic craziness with family. We went grocery shopping over the weekend and I got a lot of good healthy stuff to help me out and trick the family into eating better. We spent about $100 more than usual, but it should last us quite a while. I'll just need to go get stuff like milk, bread, eggs and salad stuff, but everything else is taken care of. Yesterday was my last day with coffee. I'm just a water girl now... milk with my cereal. I'm making hubby eat better too. His health needs to make a change for the better.
Sometimes I do think I'm going crazy or I'm bipolar or something. One minute I'm the happiest person alive and the next I want to punch the wall and every little thing gets on my nerves. I'm trying to get in the habit of realizing when I've reached my breaking point and finding ways to calm down. Its hard sometimes, but I'm trying. I'm still fighting with my depression though. I wish I could just fix myself, but I've been trying too long and haven't succeeded. I need to see a dr. I keep saying that, but I have yet to see one.
The Boston bombing has gotten me all worked up. Now I'm even more paranoid than ever. I've been freaking out over little things, but now its worse. I know I can't control everything and things happen for a reason, blah, blah, blah... but I can't help but plan in my head what I would do for every little thing that goes wrong or every disaster I can think of. Its driving me crazy. Last night we had a storm and at first I was sitting on the porch enjoying listening to the wind and rain and watching lightning. But then I started getting worried. What if a tree fell on my house. What if there was a tornado. What if the fire pit didn't go out all the way and the wind blows the embers and catches my house on fire. I even had this thought that I couldn't get out of my head of scenarios on how I'd save my family. Tornado.. I'm sitting on the back porch and the safest place is in the far corner in my basement. Hubby's in the shower. Grab Zach first and then get Lilly.. or yell for Lilly while running to get Zach? Roof ripped off house... how fast can I run to get the kids? What do I have to grab a hold of? Fire... we don't own a fire extinguisher. I'm screwed. What doors are blocked? Can I get the kids out of the windows? Even right now I'm sitting here thinking about what I would do if some kind of disaster hit and I have to get to my kids. I'm too far away to get there at a good time and the traffic of other people trying to get to their family... I've been trying to find a job closer to home, closer to the kids just for this reason. What is wrong with my brain?
Anyway... Lilly's father is again getting to take her on a wonderful vacation while my vacation with her is spent at home. He always gets to take her everywhere. He took her on her first beach trip, her first aquarium and now he's taking her to Disneyworld... or Disneyland... whichever is in Florida. I know she'll have fun, but I was really wanting to be the one to take her there.
Another ball game today. I'm sure we'll win this one too.

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