Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Can't stop the tears

Been feeling sad and depressed lately. Anything and everything makes me that way. The doctor said I was depressed. I mean...I knew I was, but I didn't know it was bad enough that I should go see someone. She gave me a number to someone she would like for me to talk to. I do need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. There are things I just can't tell anyone. No one is much help anymore when I have a problem that I have to talk about or vent or whatever. Their advice is never good advice or they don't even try. I need someone who will listen to me and stuff. Sometimes I can't even really have a serious conversation with hubby. The last few times I tried, he laughed at me, didn't respond, and got upset..which all three makes me feel even worse about everything....so I have given up trying to talk to him about anything that's bothering me. I have tried just writing things down or even talking to a wall...but that doesn't help. My outlet in middle and high school was writing, but I guess that doesn't work for me anymore. The only problem is....we can't really afford a psychologist or psychiatrist...whichever. If I got the state insurance, then I can probably go, but then finding the time to go is kind of an issue. I can tell that my depression is messing with hubby. I can't help it. Its not my fault I'm sad or whatever and he makes me feel worse about it. I did tell him a long time ago that I wanted to go see someone and he told me that I don't need to. I also use to be really good at faking being happy....but that too has faded away. I can put a smile on my face as long as Lilly is around me, but as soon as she goes to bed or is gone for the weekend...the smile is gone. I can't really control it. I am making myself not show Lilly that I'm sad or upset about anything. I have raised her to be very compassionate and I see now that sometimes that can be a bad thing. I'm that way...I wasn't raised this way...its just the way I am. I will chose to go without so others can have. I've been like that for as long as I can remember and now Lilly is doing it and it makes me feel bad....so I try not to let her see anything bother me. In a way, I feel like I raised her wrong or I'm a bad mother for the ways I chose to raise her. I know I did the best I could, being a single mother, but I feel like I could have done a hell of a lot more for her. I feel like I have failed her from time to time. Even hubby...I feel like I am always letting him down. There's more that I should be doing to make sure they are happy. They are the most important people in my life and I love them both so very much and it kills me to see them unhappy at any time. I have tried to be better for them. I have tried to be the wife I think I should be and the wife I think he wants me to be, but I fail over and over again. I have tried to be the mother Lilly needs, but I still think she needs more than I can give. I do look at her and she is happy and healthy, but I feel like I should be doing more for her. Anytime I see them upset I try to think what I could have done to prevent them from feeling this way. Yes, it makes ME feel worse, but as long as they are happy I think I will be too.

1 comment:

  1. i dont know you.
    but you wished me a happy birthday on 1000 awesome things.com

    thank you :)

    & i just want to tell you,
    you're not a bad person for feeling this way.
    you're not a bad mother.
    & you're not a bad wife.

    i wish you all the best with your pregnancy & hope that you can find someone to talk to about how you feel.

    take care.
    simone.

    ReplyDelete