Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I'm still feeling a bit numb today. Don't really want to do anything.
Yesterday, I was feeling so sad and depressed about my friend dying and me not knowing about it. I couldn't be left alone for too long or the tears would start flowing and not stop. I kept myself occupied by talking to everyone I work with and calling a few people. Didn't get much work done yesterday...I should have just gone home. I think I'm all cried out now. Spent most of last night by myself. I needed hubby but he was too busy to tend to my needs. That made me feel worse. Was I being too selfish? I don't know. Maybe. I was/am going through a hard time and I needed my husband to be there for me, but he went to the fire station for their Monday meetings. He said he would be back as soon as he can. He comes strolling in after midnight. All night I tried to put a smile on my face for my daughter so she wouldn't see me sad. I didn't even get to see her that much. Hubby let her go to a friends house and she came home after he had already gone. Gave me an hour to bathe her, feed her and get her homework done. I fell asleep on the couch last night in hopes of getting woken up by hubby at a decent hour so I can finally have someone to talk to, but it was too late and I needed to get some sleep.
Hopefully I can go this weekend to Mary's grave and have a talk with her, tell her goodbye. That's what is bugging me the most about this whole situation. I didn't get to tell her goodbye. The last conversation I had with her was me telling her that she needed to go to the hospital.
Being a volunteer for Relay For Life will give me an opportunity to show Mary just what she meant to me. I relay for her now. Before I didn't really know anyone that ever had cancer. I have had some family with cancer, but they were distant relatives and I didn't know them all that well. Mary was a very close friend and I do regret not being there for her when she needed me. Hopefully I will be able to forgive myself for that one day. I will relay in the memory of my dear friend, Mary.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=8267116&pg=personal&fr_id=24762 ~ this is my personal Relay page. I haven't had a chance to update it yet telling my story about Mary....I don't know exactly how to put it into words for that site. But there it is...go visit. Please donate to help find a cure for cancer.

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