Weekend Do Over!!

Lilly's gone for a week. I dropped her off Saturday to her dad so she could spend Father's Day with him and have a week down there too. My 5 year anniversary is Friday. The city is having its 150th WV celebration. Fireworks, boat rides, concerts, art walks.. all kinds of fun stuff the weekend of my anniversary. I told hubby I'd love to come down.. even if it was just for the fireworks. I doubt we will though. He didn't seem too thrilled about it. He has plans that weekend to go to Ohio with his buddies to get our own fireworks. They sure did pick a nice weekend to go. 5 years of marriage and he's going to be in Ohio and I'm spending the day with my little man. Oh, and we're gonna have fun. I'm taking Zach out to eat and we'll go to the park and who knows what else we'll get into.

Yesterday, Father's Day... was... sucky. I thought we'd go to his parent's house like we always do, but his dad isn't feeling well and his mom just had knee surgery. It rained. Zach didn't nap all day, so he was a bit grouchy. Ok, back up.. Saturday the kids gave him gifts from Lilly and the one from both of them. He got a new beach towel and a cup with his favorite NASCAR driver. He had to work. He only stayed there about an hour. I took the kids to a birthday party then we went home to play. Hubby called and I met him at his parents house so the kids could give grandpa his gift. We went home and hubby mowed and Zach napped. I left with Lilly while Zach napped to drop her off. I came back home and hubby was working on the dog house. Note that this is day 4 of working on the dog house. His cousin comes over to help. I thaw steaks to grill. Time goes by. I put Zach to bed. I go take a look at the dog house... and I thought they'd be further along than they were. Whatever. No dinner at all.

Sunday, Zach gives hubby his gift-grill set with the fire fighter emblem. Hubby goes to work, takes my car because his is leaking something. He's gone for a couple of hours. Me and Zach play outside, do laundry, play with Oreo. Hubby comes home and goes straight to work on the dog house. He leaves to get more wood, leaving all the tools in the yard, knowing its about to rain and asks me to take the tools in the garage when it does start. I agree. I get Zach inside to try to feed him dinner, get a bath and take a nap, but all he does is cry. I finally get him calmed down and the second he quits crying, he is asleep.... on me.  Anytime I move, he starts crying. I sit there and wait a while. My phone is on silent and in my back pocket. Hubby gets home, swings open the door and starts yelling at me for not answering my phone or taking the tools in because its raining. I apologize and he slams the door. Zach is awake and crying now. Thanks. Zach finally quits crying enough to tell me he wants to go outside. So, out we go. I do finally get him to eat some fish sticks. 8:30, I put Zach to bed. The dog house is nearly done by now. Hubby wants to put shingles on the roof of it. 5 days... working on it for 4 to 5 hours each day...

I order pizza and hubby picks it up and rents the movie Snitch. I told him before he went that he'd end up watching it alone because its already late and I knew Zach wouldn't sleep well because he was too tired and his allergies were kicking up. 9:15, the movie goes in. 10:30, I go to bed. As soon as I crawl in bed, AS SOON, Zach starts crying. I tend to him. 10 minutes later, he peed the bed and is crying again. I ask hubby for help and we get everything cleaned up and him back in bed. Then Zach had me up from midnight until about 2:00 when hubby's fire pager went off for a fire. Hubby lays in bed for a few minutes, gets up and goes cleans up, brushes his teeth and gets dressed before he leaves. I then lay in bed and listen to the pager until I just can't listen anymore. I have no idea what time it was when I finally put it up and went to bed. 5:00, hubby comes home to take a shower and go to work. Neither one of us got any sleep.

It was just a 'not so great' weekend. I've had worse, but I was kind of expecting it to be better than that.

Today at work is crazy hectic. My boss is at the beach and there's crap going on that she should be here for.

Friday at Relay was ok. I was a little disappointed in the turn out. Lilly and Zach had plenty of fun though and I made sure they ate tons of junk. They had hot dogs, snow cones, cookies, ice cream, chips.. Lilly had taco in a bag instead of hot dogs. Lilly hoola hooped, and they both played with 'swords'- cut up pool noodles. We got them glo sticks, necklaces and bracelets and the bracelets kept leaking. We got about 5, and they kept breaking and leaking. When we were leaving, my hands were glowing. The ceremony was ok. Zach was getting tired at this point and was crying. Lilly fell asleep on the way home.

Relay is Today

Birthday went ok, I guess. Gals at work got me a cake and a gift card. Lilly made me a card and hubby gave me the gift I already knew about. He bought me an ice cream cake.. I told him last time that I really don't like ice cream cake, but he got one anyway... and I ate a piece of it last night anyway. I'll eat it. I'm not a fan, but I'll eat it.

I've got my Pandora station set on 90's pop music just to take me back in time. Salt n Peppa's song "Shoop" just came on. I didn't realize just how dirty that song is! I had their CD when I was like 10 or something. Cracks me up.

Tonight is Relay and I'm excited. Its not hitting me this year like it has in past years. I actually forgot about it last night. Lilly asked me what time we had to "be at that thing." And I told her we weren't going anywhere tomorrow. She had to remind me.. "the cancer thing, mom.. at the capitol" Oh, yeah! That!! I haven't donated any items for the Bingo, I didn't really do much to decorate my luminary bags. I let Zach scribble on one in memory of Aunt Hope, Lilly did one in honor of Maw Maw Agnes, and I did mine in memory of Mary.. my friend that died of lung cancer 3 years ago. I invited her daughter, who is a little older than me, but she's in North Dakota right now.

I walked to the mall yesterday, its just 2 blocks away from work, just to look around. It was my birthday and I didn't want to be at work. It was all nice and sunny when I left. Not 10 minutes later, it was storming. I had to go buy an umbrella at Hallmark and then I hung out at Qdoba's and had lunch until the rain let up enough for me to get to work. It was a mess! Hard rain, strong winds. I sat near the window and watched people running through it. Good entertainment. I saw my second boyfriend at Qdoba's. I was looking out the window while in line and he was behind me and he said, "You look familiar." I looked at him and my jaw dropped. I thought he was dead! The last time I heard from him was the day before I had Lilly. I saw him and his brother at the mall and he told me he was moving to Taiwan. Haven't heard from him since. It was weird. He only works a few blocks from me. A mechanic. Most of my exes are mechanics, it seems. I didn't think to ask him if he had kids or anything, I was in shock that he was alive.

This morning, the dog was impossible!! Hubby woke me up and told me to make sure the kids stay away from him because he poopped on the porch and then rolled in it. I got dressed and Zach woke up. Got him up, put him in his bean bag chair and turned on cartoons. I wen to move my car out of the garage so the kids could go through the front door and not see the dog at all. Get back in the house and Zach is outside with Oreo! I cleaned him up then I went to untangle the dog because he wrapped himself around the picnic table. I got the stuff all over me... my hands, my shoes, my pants. I had to clean up and change clothes. I got the kids ready and looked out the door and he was tangled up again! I went back out there and had to change and clean up again! Didn't occur to me until I made it to work that I should have moved the picnic table to the other side of the porch so he couldn't reach it.

Left my cell phone at home too. I feel kinda lost without it. I left it laying on the bed when I went to go change clothes. I kept trying to tell myself to go back and get it, but Zach kept trying to get back out to the dog and I was getting aggravated.

Hoping to leave work kinda early today. Planning on going home, giving the dog a bath, washing off the porch, packing for Relay and then getting the kids, bring them home to get ready and wait on hubby to come home and shower. Can't believe I forgot my phone. That's the first time in like 2 years. I forgot it once when Zach was a baby. Lack of sleep and trying to remember everything else got to me. I called hubby this morning and told him and called mom and told her. I didn't want them to call or something and I not pick up and it cause some panic. I know that the day care will call hubby if they don't get a hold of me.

Ok... going to lunch. Its a little early, but I want to leave early today.

Its My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

Sitting here at work on my 27th birthday and I'm thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. When I was 18, I thought I had everything planned. I was going to have an awesome job by now and one that I actually love. I was supposed to have 3 kids or having the third one soon. I was supposed to have my dream house with the wrap around porch, huge kitchen, 2 stories, out in the country where the kids could ride their bikes on a dirt road. I was supposed to be successful. I was supposed to know my purpose.

Why do I always have to make my birthdays so depressing? My babies are getting older. My little cute babies that I used to hold and rock and pinch their cheeks. The babies who would press their open mouth to my cheek to give me kisses. The babies who would smile just at the sight of me. The babies that would giggle when I used their foot as a microphone. The babies that would cuddle and lay with me for hours while I watched tv. What happened to those babies?

What happened to me? Someone so full of energy and life has slowly began to die. I used to have friends. I used to do stuff. I used to have dreams and ambition. I used to have drive. I used to think that I could take on the world, that I was empowering, I was unstoppable, that I could do anything. What happened to that part of me? Now, I'm sitting at a job I hate, driving a car I hate, having the same every day routine, married to a man who I don't think loves me anymore, watching my kids grow up way too fast, not knowing where I want my life to go.

If I rubbed a lamp and a genie popped out and granted me 3 wishes to better my life and only for myself... not my kids or anyone else, I have no idea what I would ask for. Happiness... but how can that be defined as to what would make me happy? Health? To be skinny? Money? Friends? Time?

I think what I really want is for my kids to need me and for my husband to appreciate and respect me. I'd love to be closer to my family. Its been a month since I saw my mom or my brothers.

Where am I going? What am I doing? I keep wishing for things to change, but I do nothing to make the change the happen. Where would I even start?

This is why I hate my birthdays. Yes, I'm thankful I woke up this morning as well as my family. Yes, I am thankful for all the things I DO have. I know things could be worse. I know that. You don't have to point that out to me. I just wish sometimes that good things would happen to the good people, ya know. It seems like the rich are getting richer, the bad people are getting handouts and the ones that are trying are the ones struggling.

Hubby already blew the whistle and told me what he was getting me for my birthday. I was actually a bit surprised because its something I've been wanting and I'll use. Its an armband to put my phone in while I run. Been needing that.

I'd love for things to change and I know I'm the one in charge of making the steps towards the changes I want to see... but I don't know where to start or what to do. Maybe I'll have an epiphany one day.

Long Ramble

My dreams are getting worse. Its almost to the point where I don't want to sleep anymore. Its always something.. the world is ending, we're being invaded, I'm all alone, I can't find my kids, fire is falling from the sky, I'm a prisoner, someone is trying to kill me, I'm hiding out, I'm fighting back.... I can't just have a normal dream anymore. I always feel so drained during the day because I don't sleep well. Even on the nights when I do sleep all night, I feel as if I lived my dream all night and I wake up sore and so tired.

New dog is doing ok. He whines a lot and the kids don't really want to play with him because he jumps on them. Hubby adores Oreo. He wants to take him everywhere. My car smells like dog now. I can't get him to leave the dog at home. Gotta break the news to him that Friday, the dog stays home while we go to Relay.

Yeah.. Relay is this Friday. My birthday is Thursday. Father's Day is Sunday. I don't expect anything special for my birthday, but it would be nice for a change. Mother's Day was nothing special to me really. I got to see my mom and grandma and more family, but as for hubby trying to make it a special day... nothing. I didn't want him to buy me anything, but a nice gesture would have been nice. So, just like every year, I'm not expecting him to do anything for my birthday. My boss does more than hubby. She was off last year on my birthday though and no one else in the office knew. I spent my day alone. Expect this year to be the same. I'll work as usual, go home and cook as usual. I'd love to take the day off, but if I want to take my vacation around Christmas, I can't really just take days off when I want. I'm running out of days. I think that every once in a while, I'd like to feel special... like someone put in some effort to make me feel happy. I'll get the birthday Facebook posts and texts and maybe a card from my grandma and the kids. I'd love for the kids to get along, hubby to make dinner, and to rent a movie. That's the ideal birthday.

I think I've decided to stay at my job. No one else will hire me anyway. I've tried. I've put my application in just about everywhere.

Weight loss has been at a stand still, but that'll happen when I can't go running but once a week. That half an hour of me time to run was great, but its slowly becoming a thing of the past. Something always comes up. Hubby is 'sick' and can't watch the kids while I go out. Its storming. We even went to his mom's house Friday to visit with her because she just got home from knee replacement surgery and I ended up spending more time with her than he did. I was wanting to go running, but he wanted us there as a family and he stays in the living room playing games on his phone while me and Zach are in the bedroom talking to her. If he didn't really want to visit with her, I could have gone running.

Getting back to my good eating habits. I fell off the wagon there for a bit, but I'm back on track. The depression is making it very difficult for me to stick to this. I tend to find my comfort in food and I'm trying to stop doing that, but its making the depression worse. I really need to get out and find a doctor. My main problem is that I don't want to talk about this kind of stuff with a doctor on my first visit. And I really don't want to have to keep going back. Do I go to a regular family doctor or do I seek out a psychiatrist?

Lilly's last ball game was Thursday and we had a party for them at the pool on Sunday. They got trophy's, ate cake and pizza, swam in the pool and played around. Zach loved the water. He was laying in the baby pool and even jumping off the sides into the pool. Lilly even went down the slide! Saturday Lilly went to a birthday pool party for one of her best friends. She had a blast, ate pizza, ate cake and didn't get sunburnt all weekend long. Her father needs to learn that it is possible for her to not sunburn. Just remember the sunscreen and to reapply it. I'm very nervous about her going on vacation with him. We've went this long without a sunburn and I know she'll come back a lobster. She always does.

Hoping to get out to walk during my lunch hour today. I need it. And hopefully I can go to the track tonight. I was wanting to go by myself, but I think my running buddy is coming along. I need to get her pace per mile down. When I run with her, we average about 18 minutes a mile. I can walk faster than that. Walking I average about 16 mins per mile. I did get down to 13:55 per mile last time I went running. Not my best, but I'm getting there. My best is actually a time that I went walking from work to the Capitol. I averaged about 12 mins that time. First race is just 2 months away. We gotta get in gear!

Summer camp has started for Lilly. She has a summer full of fun. She's going to pools, water parks, museums, caves, pottery place, inside inflatable place, out to eat, there's gonna be a carnival at the Y... all kinds of fun stuff. I wish I had something planned for her this summer to do. I wish we could go on vacation. I haven't been on a vacation since 2008. I usually take my time off to stay at home. I'd love to be able to take the kids somewhere nice. Zach has never been anywhere and we haven't taken Lilly anywhere since Six Flags. That place in Kentucky isn't even open anymore, that's how long its been!!

Zach is starting to tell little lies now. Last night I got a video of him in bed telling me that a friend from school had just hit him and he was really upset about it. When I told him that Jackson wasn't here, he changed his story to the dog hit him. I told him the dog was outside and he said the dog got his shirt and body and I told him again that the dog was outside, so then he tells me goodnight and lays down. Cracked me up.

I still haven't downloaded the Blogger app again yet. I don't really know what I'm waiting on. I'll do it when I get home today. I don't want to do it now because it'll take up too much of my battery and I usually end up going home with a dead phone anyway. My car charger doesn't work anymore. I don't know why. That's like my 5th one this year. They just suck. That's all I got.

I'm already hungry for lunch... and I just finished my breakfast. 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana. I brought leftovers from dinner for lunch today. Part of me wants to go out for lunch, but I'm trying to hold off until tomorrow. I wish I had someone close by who would go to lunch with me. Maybe I'll save my day out until my birthday. Have birthday lunch by myself. There's no other way, is there? Wonder if hubby will be willing to do lunch with me? Doubt it. I need more friends. Going out alone all the time really isn't all that great. Hubby works just 5 minutes away, but he won't go out to lunch with me. We haven't done that in years. I've tried, but he won't. He says that he's not allowed to do sit down lunches, that he's supposed to go get it and bring it back to work... and yet every Friday he and his co-workers go out to places like Red Lobster. Wow... typing that makes me really sad.

Today isn't a good day so far. I just want to go home and cuddle up in bed, but the dog is there. I can no longer go home to be by myself.... the dog is there and will whine.

Went out this weekend and bought Gone Girl because I loved Sharp Objects so darn much. I'm only 2 chapters in so far and I can tell that's its awesome. I'm hoping I can finish my list of 10 books before I'm 30. Time isn't really on my side these days. Its only 10 books, but finding enough sit down time and enough quiet is hard.

I tried going down in the basement to organize my things a little better so I can have a yardsale, but Zach kept going up and down the stairs. Not a big deal, but there's only one small rail on one side and concrete floor beneath. He slipped down one stair and I stopped and went upstairs. I got one box organized. I'm hoping to get $500 out of my yardsale. I have everything. I have baby stuff for a girl and a boy, I have junior girl clothes, I have toys, I have kitchen stuff, I have nik naks, I have Easter dresses, I have movies, I have books, I have shelves, I have shoes, I have so much crap that I don't even know how I'm going to do this.

I read somewhere yesterday that people are actually signing up to go live on Mars. Not visit Mars, live on Mars. Why would you want to do that? They are signing up to do this and studies aren't even finished as to whether or not someone can actually live there! There's nothing there. There's no shelter. Its cold there. There's no heat. There's no food or any way to get food. You're months away from a doctor or an emergency room. Sure, they can build you a bubble to live in that has air and stock you up with some food, but can they do that for so many people for the rest of their lives? Would you want to spend the rest of your life in a bubble so you can breathe? Would you want to live without having contact with your family? I don't understand. Yeah.. .its an adventure, but I just can't see how anyone would want to sign up for something like this when studies about the planet aren't even done to see if the place is even livable. I just don't get it.

Oh and as for that guy.. what's his name.. Snowden? That told the public that the government is spying on them.... I don't know why everyone is after him now. He did release top secret information, but the government was breaking the privacy laws. He's not the one who should be in trouble. They're calling him a traitor, which he is anything but. We all had our suspicions that our phone conversations were being heard, that our online activity was being monitored, that we are in fact being watched... which is all very very wrong on so many levels.. we knew, we had our suspicions, but this guy actually told us that it was happening. He told the truth. How does that make him a traitor? He informed the public of the government's wrong doings... how is he in the wrong? We should be demanding that the people that are committing these crimes against us be put away and treated as traitors. This Snowden guy is a hero. No, I have nothing to hide. I'm not committing any crimes. So why do I care that I'm being watched? Because its wrong and its creepy. I know I said in an earlier post that I don't care that they are motoring my internet activity as long as it means that they catch people who are terrorist, but after much thinking, I wonder why and to what extent to they research each person. Just because I do a search on chloroform or something, does that mean they will come knocking down my door and treating me as a terrorist? What if my curiosity on a certain topic leads me to see videos on how to build a bomb.. is me writing this going get me red flagged? There's a difference between keeping the public safe and digging into our private lives. If I put anything out there, like on this blog or on Facebook, I understand that its all public information and anyone at anytime can see it. That's fine. But if you want to start listening on my private conversations or watching  my every single move online, then there's a problem. They are putting too much effort into invading the good people's private lives and not enough effort into actually going out and being proactive in stopping terrorists acts. Let me throw something out there. During the Boston Marathon, there was reports and even ordinary people saying they saw and heard that there was a bomb search drill going on not long before the bombs actually went off. If there was a bomb search drill... why didn't they find the damn bombs? I watched online as a reporter asked someone, I think a cop or someone of the sort, about the drills and if they were conducting any at the Boston Marathon in the exact same spots as where the bombs went off... and the guy completely avoided her question and talked about the tragedy and how they are going to find who is responsible. What the hell?

I think I've rambled just a little too much. If I don't post again... you'll know I was found for my post about watching videos on how to make a bomb... even though I've never watched one. Oh, one more thing... if there's these people who are on the internet and searching for you and me and your best friend... why are they not out there taking down all these videos on how to make a bomb? Whey are they still up there for people to search for and learn from? Just a thought......

ITS A NEW POST!!

Things and stuff and everything.... and yeah....

I am wearing a size down today. I'm officially a size 14 again. Now to get down even further. My goal is to at least get back down to a 10. I doubt I can get to a 6 again... but I'll try. I still can't believe I got so lazy and allowed myself to get that big. I went running on Tuesday. I took that day off because Lilly has had so many games this week and Tuesday was her earliest game. I figured it be easier for me to get 8 hours vacation time than only 6 hours working there. I took the kids to the Y, went running... did close to 2 miles and my pace per mile has reduced to 13:55. That made me very happy. I just have to get back in the groove of things. I got really lazy there for a bit.

Lilly's last game was last night, but the president of the league cut it short because it was getting dark and he didn't want to turn on the lights for us. Bitter old man. So, no one won or lost.

Lilly was invited to a birthday pool party tomorrow and she's excited. Its one of her best friends who plays on her team and was in Lilly's class. Sunday we have another pool party with the team to get trophies.

Oreo is doing ok with the kids. He likes to nip at your toes and Zach says, NO Doggie! and then runs from him. I'd say we have him halfway house trained. We did have an accident last night, but its coming along quite nicely. He slept all night last night too. Unfortunately, Zach did not.

My birthday is this coming Thursday. I'm thinking about taking that day off, but I'm not sure yet.

I still haven't posted any pics, have I? I have to redownload the app so I can do that.

The fire station is also have a boot drive and hot dog sale tomorrow. I'll swing by with the kids for an early lunch, but I'm not staying this year to participate in the boot drive. I visited last year, but I didn't do anything then either. People threw a fit the year I was pregnant with Zach because the only thing I did to help was stay inside and count money... kind of my expertise since I work in a bank and was store manager at a gas station which consisted of counting large amounts of money daily. They didn't care that I was pregnant and it was blistering hot outside-they wanted me to stand outside to collect money. I'm not a member of the fire station, I was there to help out and if they couldn't appreciate what I was doing, then that's not my problem. Haven't been back to help out since.

Lilly has to read a book and write a book report during the summer and also write a 2 page essay about what she did over the summer. They both have to be turned in on the first day of school. I'll make her to the book report in July and the essay in August. I'm sure she'll want to write about going to Disneyworld and they aren't going there until the week school starts. She really doesn't need anything for school either. I'll get her maybe a couple of outfits and a pair of shoes, but she really doesn't need any clothes. We also have all the supplies she needs at home, except a new box of crayons.

Looks like Chris and Tony are coming by my house Saturday evening after the pool party. Chris needs his oil changed and asked if hubby could do it. I'll try to plan something to cook for them. I have everything needed for my pizza casserole. I can do that. Quick and easy and yummy. I haven't seen Chris in a long time. I think it was Christmas. Might cook for them.

I just finished reading Sharp Objects  by Gillian Flynn. Good book. Easy read. Very interesting and a little crazy. I'm going to the bookstore today to get one of her other books, either Gone Girl or Dark Places. Probably whichever is cheaper. That's how I decided last time. Gonna get a gift card for the shoe place for my bubby because he needs new shoes but is broke. I don't know what size he wears, but I know what shoes he likes, so I'll scout them out and get him a giftcard. I'll try to figure something out to get for Chris too. I'll look around while I'm at the mall today.

Yeah... that's good for now.... I have to get back to work.

Yep

I know its been forever since I've updated either one of my blogs. I was having issues with my phone and its memory and had to delete a lot of my apps and unfortunately, the Blogger app was one to go. Everything is resolved. My phone was just having a really bad few days. I'm not going to go back and check the last time I did update, so I'm just going to wing this.

Hubby's birthday is tomorrow and I really have no idea what to do for him. I bought him a Bluetooth ear piece. Got him one last year for Father's Day and he lost it, so I got him another. Gonna get him a cheesecake too. He prefers cheesecake over regular cake. Other than that, I have no idea. I might suggest going out to eat, but that would probably be it. I'll let him sleep in a while... like he does every weekend anyway. He does have to work, but he has no set time on the weekends.
Zach can reach the peddles on his Big Wheel now. He couldn't back in January when we got it for him for his birthday. He peddles it too.... right into the road. He got a good time out and then we walked down to where he knows he is supposed to stop in the driveway and we drew a line with chalk. I then spent the next 10 minutes telling him that the line means to stop and turn around. Well, now...he stops at the line and expects me to go down there and push him back up the driveway.

Lilly's softball is almost over. We have 3 more games left. She has really been enjoying her time with this team. They'll have fall ball together and then most of the girls are moving up to girl pitch. Lilly will still be in coach pitch. I want to try to move her up so she can stay with her team and her coach. Its hard to find a good coach. I'm afraid we'll get stuck with the coach that yells at the girls. I will pull Lilly out if we end up with him. Softball is about fun, there's no need to get out there and yell at a group of 7 and 8 year olds and tell them they aren't doing good enough. What a way to blow their self esteem. I'm trying to get Lilly's father to want to coach, but it'll be hard because he lives so far away. I really don't know enough about the sport to do it or I would. I'm also hoping that one of the assistant coaches decides to coach next year. I think his daughter is the same age as Lilly. He's really good with the girls too and he has a job and understand that the rest of us do too and its hard on us to get to these 5:00 practices.

Weight loss was at a stand still for a while. I wasn't able to get out and run and I just got lazy. But I'm back on track and back at it. Went out running last night. 2 miles and my pace per mile went down a whole minute. I'm hoping to get to my 20  pound weight loss by the end of June. My goal for the year was to lose 25 pounds and I'm already at 16. I also signed up for another 5k. This one is in August so it'll be my first. The Color Run and The Color Vibe, both 5k's where you end up a colorful mess. I'm excited about them both and I hope to be able to sign up for more. I think there's one in July that I may do. I'm going to go for a good walk today for lunch. When my brother gets out of training for his new job, I'm going to make weekly walks to his workplace. He's right across the river, but its a decent walk. I'd say its about a mile to his work and then I'll have a mile to walk back to mine.  

Relay is just 15 days away! I have Lilly this year...as of right now. It may change again. I wasn't supposed to have her, but we'll see.

My birthday is also coming up. I told hubby that I wanted a set of 5 pound weights and some resistant bands. Nice and cheap and I will use them. I have a set of 10 pound weights but its difficult to do aerobic exercises with them. I need something a little lighter. Told hubby that I'm going to find a doctor and get some anti depression meds for my birthday. I'm having second thoughts about that. I don't have a family doctor and I don't want to just walk into a new doctor office and go on and on about my depression. I have to trust the doctor before I do crap like that.

Summer camp for Lilly begins on Monday and I still have no idea if her bathing suit fits her or not. They are doing lots of things this year and I hope she has a lot of fun.

I can't really remember much that has happened that I can write about. Me and hubby went 4 wheeling Sunday with a few of his friends. Only lasted about 2 hours though and then we went out to eat. Still actively looking for another job as well as helping Tony find another one.

Oh yeah... Lilly had practice on Tuesday and it lasted 3 hours! Lilly was the last one to practice batting. Honestly, that's the one thing the girls don't need to practice. They need to work on their plays instead. Anyway.. it was hot and it was a long day and all the girls were tired. Lilly was missing a lot of balls and the coach's daughter started hounding her. Made me mad. I wanted to yell at her to shut up. It was just making Lilly mad and she missed more balls. 3 hours for practice is too long. Toward the end of practice, my ex neighbor/running buddy called me to tell me she fell down the stairs at the apartment. I've fallen down those stairs while pregnant and I know how it feels. After practice I took Lilly home, spent 5 minutes with Zach and headed to her house to take her to the doctor. Nothing was broken, but I didn't get home til about 10. Broke my heart that I didn't spend time with Zach or get to put him to bed. I was in tears. Also brought Lilly to work with me on Tuesday. Figured it would be some good me and her time since her father was getting her two weekends in a row and even a day early the second week. She watched movies on the portable DVD player I brought, listened to her MP4 player, played computer games and me and her went for a walk for lunch. She watched me work and kept asking me how I know what to do.

All stars for softball also starts in June but Lilly will not participate this year. They do either practices or games every day for 2 weeks straight and Lilly is having a week of summer vacation time with her father during that time and I doubted he would take her. I wasn't going to pay the $40 for her not to participate.

Time for Some Changes!

I had the weirdest dream last night. We were at war, here in the US. We were invaded. No one was fighting back. We were all lining up and listening to them. I have no idea who 'they' were, but we were like robots, just doing what we were told. I saw my mom sitting in the corner, she was getting sick. I decided I was going to fight back. I recruited a few people. I kissed my family and snuck out of the line. I somehow ended up with the leader from 'them' and I was trying to find a way to kill her. She was trusting me but black mailing me to help her. I finally got her from behind and broke her neck. I was trying to hide her body so her army wouldn't see her. They were pounding on the door. I went back to my mom and put her in a wheel chair and was pushing her. We all go on some buses. Everyone. There was a marching band on the bus I was on with all their instruments too. I told them to play bad music and the enemies retreated. Weird. I never saw a weapon in my dream. My little brothers were babies. I remember sitting on top of a telephone pole watching a bunch of kids play and my phone rang, but it was on top of another telephone pole and I jumped down and ran over to the other pole and my phone dropped off because it was vibrating. All weird.

Lilly has a game tonight, parade and game tomorrow, game Sunday and a game Monday. I kinda hope it rains on at least one of those days.

Things have been ok... nothing really to write about. OH, Lilly attempted to sneak to school wearing lipstick. I caught her and she tried to play it off like she wasn't wearing any. Then she says, "If I can't wear it, then why do I have it?" I told her its for playing dress up, not wearing to school. She got all mad. I then proceeded to check her backpack and pockets. She's 8 years old! I know she's trying to impress a boy, but the boy she's trying to impress already likes her. Oh, 8 years old and already into boys. What am I going to do?

I've tried to take up Geocaching. If you don't know what that is, its kind of like a hide and seek game with objects. People hide things, you go find it. I tried yesterday 3 different time and came up empty handed. I'm going to try for the same ones later. One might have been stolen according to the comments about that one. When  you are looking for these, or even hiding them, you have to try to do it without being seen because people might go steal the object. Sometimes its a box, sometimes its an old film tube, sometimes its just a small object with the logo on it. Some things you can log your name in. Some have objects that you can take if you leave another. I went at the wrong time of the day. It was lunch time and I didn't want to go digging through bushes and looking under benches and stuff and climbing lamp poles with a crowd of people watching me. I'm hoping to get CJ into it and she can do it with me. Its just something different to do and its kind of exciting.

I also want to take up hiking. Some of these caches are on hiking trails and hiking is great exercise.

I applied to a bookkeeping job and even a dietary aide job the day before yesterday. Then I get an email to fill out a second part application. I don't know for which position and I'm kind of afraid that I put down that I want to earn too much money. I can negotiate down another dollar, but I'd like to make what I put down. We'll see. I'm ready to start making changes in my life. I'm 26, almost 27 years old and I feel like I've been in a rut half of my life. I'm at a job I don't like with no hobbies. I go to work and tough it out then go home to my kids where I cook and clean and play and take care of them. I get to go running MAYBE twice a week for about an hour or less. I need to make some changes. I need some excitement. I really do want to go ziplining for my anniversary this year and I don't want hubby to chicken out on me this time. Next month will be my 5 year anniversary and I want to be able to do something different. Something other than a dinner and a movie. I want to go to a painting class, I want to go zip lining and I'd be ecstatic if he's go geocaching with me. My life is all about the kids and I love them to death and I would never do anything to jeopardize their happiness, but I'm ready for more. I'm taking risks now people! I'm applying to jobs I wouldn't have thought about working at a month ago. I'm doing things differently now. I'm making plans to hang out with my best friend. I'm treating myself. 

I'd like to be able to come on my blog and be able to write about more than just my kids. Yes they are my life, but I want to write about more. I want to do more. MORE. Here's to the girl who is trying to figure everything out....who is trying to make herself happy... who is wanting to try different things..... who is ready for some changes and who is making it all happen. 

Mother's Day and running

Days are weird now. I keep forgetting about my blogs and I feel like time just slips away from me. Saturday, my washer broke so we had to buy a new one. Guess that's what I got for Mother's Day. Went to hubby's cousin's baby's first birthday party. Left there early to go to Lilly's ball game, which they won. Went home to install the washer. Caught hubby smoking. That upset me. Not really that he was doing it but that he was hiding it from me. Told him I didn't care if he wanted to, but not to hide it from me but don't do it in front of the kids. He swore it was the first one he's had since we quit, but I know better. You just don't want one after not smoking for 3 years. Which by the way, today does mark my 3 years of not smoking. Hubby's also been trying to 'catch' me smoking saying that he can smell it and he sees ashes in my car. Looks like it was him all this time because I haven't touched one and I don't let anyone smoke in my car. If he wants to get cancer, that's his problem, but don't go keeping secrets from me. Makes me wonder what else he's hiding...or trying to hide anyway. There's a lot that he thinks he's hiding, but I know about.

Sunday, we got a late start because hubby decided he was going to take a 40 minute shower in the morning. His "quick shower" turned into the entire morning. Went to one grandma's to give her the basket of flowers I got her. Stayed for about an hour or so and took off to my other grandma's house who was having a hot dog cookout and all my cousins were going to be there. I got to see most of my brothers and mom too. Gave mom and grandma their flowers. Mom's was droopy and not blooming anymore. I had the flowers since Thursday. It was a fundraiser we had done with Relay for Life and they were delivered on Thursday. I drove up to the office during my work time and picked up most of the flowers for the people in my building that had ordered them. Took me 3 trips with the cart to get them all inside from the parking garage.

I've lost a total of 16.2 pounds now! I'm going to try to go running today. I got to a little bit on Sunday. After visiting with my family we went home to get some stuff and then to go the in-laws, so I jogged from our house to theirs. Its only .59 miles. And then I jogged home when we left. The kids thought it was funny that they were leaving me there and I had to go home myself.

Lilly only has 8 days of school left. Amazing how quick this year is flying by.

Lilly had a game yesterday. Zach was actually well behaved. Sat in his chair most of the time and munched on Cheetos and the played with one of the little boys without fighting. Took them to McDonald's and ordered a 10 piece nugget and large fry for them to share and I hadn't even gotten to the window to pay yet and Zach says, "Where's my kitchen nuggets and flies?!" Cracked me and Lilly up. I ordered one of the new premium wraps with grilled chicken and I get a tiny tiny snack wrap instead. Oh, well... just wasn't meant to be.

I'm celebrating my not smoking today by treating myself to lunch at the Mexican place in the mall and then going for a walk. Its a little chilly out today and I didn't bring a jacket. Stupid me. Need a jacket in May? That's absurd, but our weather is weird lately. Hot then cold then hot then snowing then too hot then raining... I mean, it snowed in October and then I had Zach outside in shorts in January! Crazy stuff.

I know I still haven't posted any pics that I keep saying I'm going to. I'll get around to it eventually. I'm forgetful lately and a bit lazy. I have to add the pics from the app on my phone. Everytime I remember about them, I have an update on that app and I go to update it and then I forget.

Ok... its time to share my weight. I've been avoiding it because I hated it. I can't believe I let myself get to that weight. At my heaviest, I weighed more than I did when I was 9 month pregnant with Zach by 2 pounds. I was lazy. I was stupid. I thought I was watching what I was eating, but I wasn't. It may have been low calorie, but I was eating a lot of it. I wasn't exercising as much as I thought I was. I've been keeping track and my weight this morning is 184.8. I'm so happy with myself for actually losing weight and I have quite a way to go to get where I want, but I'm doing it. I feel great. I can run now! My pants are loose. I actually crave salads now. I know there's a lot more I could be doing and lose my weight faster, but I'm happy with my results. I'm not banning foods, so I'm not tempted to indulge when I shouldn't. I don't workout every single day, so I get my lazy days too. I enjoy my times with my kids instead of doing an aerobic video. I'm on track. I'm losing at the rate I'd like to be. I can say that I started at the start of the new year, but it didn't really kick in until Valentine's Day when I saw just how bad I was getting and when my weight topped its heaviest. So, 16.2 pounds in 13 weeks is pretty damn good. Actually way above what I was aiming for, but I think running has been helping a lot. I've noticed the weight just melting off since I've started running.

Speaking of running, I now have 5 people, including myself, on my team for the Color Vibe 5k in September! I'm getting very excited for this run. My very first 5k and more to come after that. There are a couple of runs before this one, but I really want this one to be my first one.

I Just Have No Idea.......

I believe that I was meant for great things. To do something more than to be a mother. To help people. To do great and awesome things. I have no idea what my purpose is right now, but I do believe that I was meant to do more. I love being a mom and I pride myself in being a good one. I just believe there should be more. My life revolves around my children, but one day they won't want me to be by their side every minute of the day. When that day comes, I know I will feel empty, but they need to learn and grow on their own. I don't want to hold them back. When that day comes, I want to be prepared and I want to have something else I can hold on to and put my energy into. My five year plan to have a giant foster home ran like a day care is at a stand still. I'd still love to do it, but I found out that one like that already exists in my area. I had no idea. I thought about trying to work there, but I don't think that will work out. I actually know someone who works there and she is there all the time. She basically lives there. I can't do that. I need to have my time reserved for my children while I still can. Maybe after they move on and move out, I can get a job at a place like this, but not right now, not at this moment.

With that said, what else am I supposed to do. I feel like a part of me is just trying to jump out and get out in the world. Am I supposed to invent something? Am I supposed to build something? I don't know. I just keep having this feeling that there is more for me out there and that I'm meant to do a lot of good. I don't have any special talents or knowledge of anything. I didn't finish college and get a degree to go great things like be a doctor or teacher. I can't sew. I can't even keep flowers alive. I have nothing to educate people about. I have no experience in anything. So what am I supposed to be doing here? I wish I could just get some kind of push in the right direction. I'm at a dead end job with no hopes of moving on.

One day I would like to go back to college, but I have no idea for what. I was originally going to be a high school science teacher, but I'm not even sure that's what I want to do anymore. Maybe a counselor or a therapist? I have no many problems myself, how can I help other people with theirs?? I wish I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in. I'm almost 27 and I'm lost. There are so many other people younger than me that have everything together, who are successful, who are doing what they want to do...doing what they were destined to do. Why am I lost? There just has to be something more.

I just keep thinking about all the things I do for everyone else and I wonder what it is that I do for myself.  I work. I do work that I certainly do not enjoy. Then I'm home caring for my family- cooking, cleaning, bathing, homework, playing.... never ending laundry... sitting back while hubby does whatever he wants to do. He wants to hang out with his friends... that's fine. I'll stay home and be with the kids and eat grilled cheese sandwiches while you're out feasting on steaks and going four wheeling and drinking.

I want to do special things with my kids. I want to take them places and show them new and exciting things. My heart is breaking because I can't do any of these things. Everything costs money these days and my bank account is always in the negatives as it is. I can't take my kids to ride a train. I can't take them out to eat or out for ice cream. I can't even make an extra trip out just to go to the park because of gas prices. I can't go back to school because I have zero extra money. I can't even go see a doctor for my depression and there is a big possibility that I'm bi-polar, but I can't afford the co-pays or the medication or even a therapy session. I can't even see me getting another job. For one-  the only things I have experience in doing doesn't pay well and I certainly don't want to do this kind of job again. For two- I can't see any other place allowing me to be so flexible with my job. I can leave anytime I need to tend to my children. I'd still love to work closer to home, but the only thing that will pay me even close to what I'm making now is another bank.

Why does money have to rule my life?

I haven't been on a true vacation since my honeymoon. I was wanting to take the kids to Disneyworld in the next couple of years. I was wanting to be the one taking Lilly...but her father is taking her in August.

I know I complain a lot on here. I just wish I knew where my life was headed and if it was indeed in the right direction. I want to do something big. I feel I'm meant to do wonderful things... I just don't know what that is. I feel so lost and empty.... and broke.

Memories and stuff

Ok.. so lets get talking about my new year's resolutions... if I can remember them all. Losing weight, check! I've been doing fantastic. Its slow progress, but its progress. I weigh about what I did right after I had Zach. I can't believe I gained so much weight after he was born. My goal for the year was 25 pounds and I'm already down 15. Maybe I should up my goal. 

Cooking something new once a week, check! Maybe even more then once a week thanks to Pinterest. I swear, I've been cooking like crazy lately. Last night I made Chicken Cordon Bleu for the first time and it was amazing. I've made salmon, and I've never in my life made fish. I've done Cajun shrimp, Pesto shrimp, meatball lasagna, slow cooked teriyaki chicken, crab stuffed rolls... oh there's just been so many things. Hubby's really been enjoying all this new food, too. I'm liking it because I'm cooking more and eating out less... which is helping me with the weight.

Be more social... sort of check! I have maybe one more person that I would consider a close friend which is my ex neighbor. Before, we were just friends, but now I think I'd put her in my close circle. I even invited her out to dinner not too long ago and she is my running partner. I'm still working on making friends at work. I think I can consider 2 more people friends, but not friends that I would hang out with outside of work... yet.

I haven't been doing many crafty things with the kids. Lately its just been stuff like coloring with chalk in the driveway. So.. there's one thing I need to work on.

I haven't really been having me time unless you count the 45 minutes I take a couple times a week to go run. I need to work on this too. Taking my shower last night, I realized just how stressed out I am. I have to find something before I lose it completely.

My patience is a little better. I'd say 90% of the time I'm calm, cool, and collected when it comes to the kids and hubby. Deep down I'm stressing out and yelling my head off, but on the outside I have a smile. The other 10% seems to jump out when I'm PMSing and I'm working on that.

So, I think overall I'm doing pretty good.

 

This weekend was stressful and hectic as always. I swear my life would be boring without stress but I'll end up bald from pulling my hair out. Saturday, I cleaned as usual. I gave Zach a pop tart, or p-tart as he calls it, and I turned Mickey Mouse on tv while he ate and I loaded the dishwasher. When I was done, I turned around and the front door was open! I went to the door and couldn't see Zach. I yelled his name...nothing. I went back to the couch and he wasn't there. I went to the back door and didn't see him. I called his name..nothing. I started walking through the yard and there he was coming down the hill from behind our out building. I didn't want to make it a big deal because he would have just thought it was funny and do it again. I said, "Zachary! You can't be outside without mommy and you don't even have shoes on." Then he says, "OW, my piggies hurt!" I told him to get inside and I sent hubby a text that we need locks on the doors up high where he can't reach them. Hubby thought Zach getting out was funny. I was surprised that he didn't run down the driveway since its his favorite place to play. My heart was jumping out of my mouth. You know.. I see this kind of thing on the news a lot, about a toddler getting out an roaming the neighborhood and I know everyone is thinking that the parents were passed out on drugs. But you know.. you can't keep your eye on the child ALL the time. I try, I really do, because I know he is adventurous and getting in trouble is funny to him sometimes. I didn't even hear him open the door and I really thought Mickey would keep him entertained for more than 5 minutes so I could load the dishwasher. Scared me half to death, I swear.

Then Sunday... oh Sunday.... Lilly had ball pictures at 2:45. I told her father that she needed to be there early to change into her uniform. I text him at 2:40 and he is about another 20 minutes away. Then I get a text from his wife asking if I have a hairbrush because Lilly didn't brush her hair. No, I do not have one. I kind of expect you guys to make sure that her hair is brushed BEFORE you go out the door. She said that they had a baby comb and she will do what she can. 3:05 they finally get there. The photographer is waiting on Lilly. Everyone already had their pictures taken. They come walking up so slow, I grab her uniform, tell her to run to the bathroom to change. Her hair is up in french braided pig tails. She starts changing... no cleats. I go ask her father where her cleats are and he says... and I'm quoting this conversation.

"I though you would have them because you said you had to wash her uniform and bring it."

"You took her home after practice on Friday... you have her cleats."

"I thought those were her practice cleats."

"No... those are her only cleats!"

So then I go to the photographer and tell him to make sure he cuts her feet off in the picture. Not a problem. I go back to the bathroom to check on Lilly's progress and she's crying. She can't get her hat on because of the braids in her hair. I get it on as best as I can and send her out. Her face is all red during her individual picture. When they do the group picture, the photographer puts Lilly and a couple of girls on their knees with their feet behind them so Lilly's shoes aren't showing.

Now.. no cleats, I can handle, that wasn't a big deal. But not brushing her hair and being 20 minutes late!

Anywho... hubby did finally treat me to a dinner out. We went to Friday's and I had the Cajun chicken and shrimp pasta. It was good and Zach was well behaved. Hubby got onto us for being too loud though even though Zach was just playing and laughing. I told him that he's not crying or fussing and its ok. Nobody minds a happy kid.

Went out for a run on Saturday. I didn't make it far and my legs started hurting bad. I ran/walked all the way to Lilly's school, attempted to run again and I was just in so much pain, I walked back. Walking is still better than sitting and watching tv!

 

I've had a few weird memories pop into my head lately so I'm going to share them on here.

-Attending my first ball game. I was maybe in the first grade and it was with my school to go see our local baseball team play. My grandma had bought me a blue had to wear to keep the sun off my face. It started raining and the blue faded off the had and onto my face.

-The first time I was teased. I was in the third grade. I had somehow managed to put both my shirt and pants on backwards. They were the elastic waist band pants. They were black. I had turned my shirt around, but didn't know my pants were backwards. No one else would have noticed either, but there was a heart shape patch that was supposed to be on my right thigh. It was now on the back of my left leg. Halfway through the day a fourth grader picked on me for my pants being backwards. It made me cry. I went to the bathroom and changed, but I still hated her all through high school.

-Second grade we were having a jump rope contest. It was down to me and Scott. We were the only ones still jumping. I could feel my shorts beginning to slip off my hips, so I had to stop jumping and lost.

-The first time I watched porn... it was just a clip and I was totally not supposed to be there. I was 7 or 8 and I had followed my older brother to the neighbors house. There was a boy that lived there a little older than my brother. His parents weren't home. He decides to turn on his tv and show my brother what he was watching and I was standing there. 5 seconds of watching this, my brother pushes me outside.

-The first time I took a sip of beer. I was 6. I used to go over to my neighbors house and watch her baby sleep while she went to her garden to pick the veggies. (not the same neighbors that watched the porn. I moved a lot as a kid) I was over at her house just hanging out and she gave me a sip of her beer.

-When I was about 7, I used to start my day by putting my face up against my door, putting my hands around my mouth and whispering every cuss  word.

- When I was 6, me and my brother sat on the back porch swing and tried to see how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

- The first time I babysat my little brother, I was 8. It was the weekend. My step dad went to work and mom had just got a job, so she went to work. The babysitter never showed up. Mom quit her job 2 days later. She worked there an entire 3 days.

- My first sleepover. I was 9. I was the new girl in this school and was only friends with the girl who invited me. All the girls were already shaving their legs. I wasn't, so I wore long pants and knee high socks all night long.

- I didn't get my own radio until I was 11 years old. The first CD I bought was the boy band 5ive.

- The first time I ate shrimp and drank coffee, I was 9 or 10. We had went to Mississippi to visit my first step dad's dad. My step dad's step mom made shrimp gumbo. I thought the shrimp was weird but ate it anyway. The next morning, I thought I was grabbed my cup full of soda, but I grabbed someone's coffee and took a big gulp. Grossed me out.

-Kindergarten graduation, we sang I've Been Working On the Railroad and I played the triangle.

-Second grade, we sang a song in Spanish for the school. I still remember the Spanish words I sang, but I had just looked up the song and I had the words soooo wrong.

 

Ok... that's enough for now. No ball game until Wednesday and then Thursday is Mother's Day tea with Zach.