Monday, May 24, 2010

Tears are fallin'

I'm crying a lot now. Everything seems to set me off. I can't even watch tv without finding something to cry about. I can't watch game show cuz I cry when someone wins. Its kinda frustrating. Last night I cried so much I almost hyperventilated, but that wasn't due to tv. My eyes still hurt and I still kinda feel like crying. I wanted to just take today off, but since I'm leaving early on Thursday and taking Friday off, I better show up today.

Looking forward to my four day weekend. I have no idea what I'm gonna do on Friday....sleep in, but I don't know what to do after I wake up. Saturday I'm hanging out with my bff before she moves 5 1/2 hours away. I'm making her go with me to get hubby's birthday present. I know what I want to get him....he said he wanted it, but that was like 6 months ago and I don't know if he wants it anymore. Oh, well...that's what he's gonna get. My birthday is coming up too...I told him that I just wanted baby stuff.

I feel a little weird with Lilly knowing about the baby already. I don't know what it is. I don't like my stomach to be touched... a lot of people did it a lot during my last pregnancy...without my permission. So it freaks me out a bit now when someone goes reaching for my tummy. I'm no where near showing yet, either. But Lilly seems like she always has to be touching my stomach. It just sorta makes me uncomfortable. I mean she is my daughter...she was in there at one time...and I'm sure she's just excited about the baby...but it still freaks me out. And the way she talks about it weirds me out too. She doesn't talk like a five year old, its like I'm talking to someone almost my age or something. I don't know how to really explain it, and I don't know why I feel this way. I hate that I feel weird about this, but I can't help it. She has always talked about babies and have been fascinated with them. She even wanted to know stories from when she was a baby and wanted to know a play by play of what happened with us while we were in the hospital when she was born....and all of this was before I even found out I was pregnant. She'll do something and then say, "Did I do that when I was a baby?" or "How did I do this when I was a baby?" "How did I say this when I was a baby?" So I really shouldn't be surprised that she is already this involved with the baby...... weirds me out a bit.

I want a pamper day. I want a me day. I want to go out, I want to get a massage, a manicure, a haircut and style, I want to be cooked for, and I want some sleep. I feel so tired and stressed out lately along with so many other emotions..I just want a day off. A day off from everything. I don't want to have to worry about cooking or cleaning or where Lilly is or if Hubby wants something. I don't want to worry about traffic or money or time. I don't want to have to worry about anything or anyone. Just for one day.

Its been one full week of no nicotine. Its kinda weird. Yes, weird is the word of the day. Sometimes I feel like I should be smoking cuz its what I would be doing. It still hurts a little when I take deep breaths, like my chest is on fire or its getting ready to cave in. I wonder if that's normal. I was sitting on the couch last night thinking how great nicotine would go with the peanut butter I was eating. I don't really crave a cigarette, I just feel like I want one. Like.... when I do things where I would normally smoke. I feel like its routine or something. Get in a car...light one up. Done eating...have a smoke. Its routine, its what I've done for the past million years, so yeah...its weird and I still feel like I should be smoking sometimes. I'm doing good I think. I haven't cheating and snuck a drag. I haven't even really been around other smokers. A few times I went outside to talk to my old smoking buddies. Its odd...I never realized how many other people I talked to while I was smoking. Its easy to strike up a conversation with a cigarette in your hand. I haven't been around my bff or hubby's friends yet. I think that's gonna be kinda bad. I'm dreading that. This Saturday is my test.

I've been having pains in my stomach lately. I usually do. I went to the doctor a while back and he didn't know what was wrong with me. So, now when I feel pains, I'm scared that it might be the baby and not my regular pains. I have yet to go to my OB/GYN for my "baby checkup" only because I'm waiting to see if I am qualified for state insurance. Since hubby is laid off and I don't make much money, I thought I would be qualified. So I applied and I have yet to hear anything. Its only been a week though. If I don't get it, I don't know who I'm doing to pay for the doctor visits. So, I worry about that. If I don't hear anything by the first, I'm gonna have to call and see what the deal is.
I looked a a few baby things at Wal Mart over the weekend. I found a car seat that came with a stroller that was that I liked. It's red and white with square designs on it, then I found a play pen that matched. I just like that one for now, at least until I find out if I'm having a boy or a girl. I also found a high chair that I liked. Found one that matched the car seat and stroller, but I like this one better. Lilly never really had one. I just fed her either in her bouncy/vibrating seat or her saucer/walker. But this seat...its just sorta like a booster seat at the table. It lays back for new borns and sits up for when they are older. It has a tray and everything. Lilly did have one kinda like that for when she was a toddler, it didn't lay back or anything. We still have that. I want this one because it will take up less space and put the baby right at the table with us and it goes with the baby as it grows. I still have Lilly's crib, so I don't have to worry about that. I still have Lilly's baby tub, so that's good too. I think I still have a stroller, but I don't remember if its pink. I don't think I have her car seat anymore. I may have given that away. As I think about it, I might have given her stroller away. Hmm....I need to visit my storage building.

Happy Monday!!

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