Tuesday, June 8, 2010

pictures of Lilly

I'm actually scared. The more I think about having this child, the more scared I get. I want to be induced. I was with Lilly. Mostly did it with Lilly because her father was going out of town and I didn't want him to be gone when I went into labor...but everything just went so well. I want to be induced this time too, but hubby doesn't want me to be. When I told him that I wanted to, he seriously got upset. I told him my worries and why its better than waiting. There's a room already waiting for you, you get there early enough to get the drugs, I won't have to worry about what I'm going to do with Lilly...who's gonna pick her up from school or who's going to watch her, I won't have to worry about getting a hold of everyone...they will already know when to be there (mom is so hard to find sometimes and I'm scared that I won't be able to find her when I go into labor..if I'm induced, she'll know when to be there, and what if there's power outage), my bff lives 5 hours away-she's gotta know when to be there. I won't have to worry about the road conditions on the way there (baby is due in January. I'm worried about all the snow and wrecks slowing us down), I don't want to be at work or out shopping when my water breaks, I want to know that hubby is right there with me without me having to track him down (volunteer fire fighter in the middle of winter=never home), I will have my doctor there waiting for me and not just whatever doctor is on call that night/day, I can go ahead and schedule my maternity leave....there are so many reasons and worries why I want to be induced and not just sit and wait. Yeah, I'd kinda like to be able to say that I waited and everything went ok...but we can't predict what's going to happen. His argument is he doesn't want to pick a birthday, he wants the birthday to be whenever the baby chooses...not us. And he says, "Everything could work out fine. My sister was only in labor for 3 hours with her second kid." How does that reassure me that everything is going to be ok? If everything goes that fast, I won't have time for anything. No time to call anyone, no time to find somewhere to put Lilly, no time to be given the drugs, no time to get to the hospital and have a room.......yes, I worry. I know, I know....there are women everyday not getting induced and they are just fine.........well...... I don't know if I'm going to be just fine. I have legitimate worries. He doesn't have to worry about getting a hold of his family, or having the right doctor, or not getting the drugs, or not having a room. I just wish he would understand and share my worries instead of telling me not to worry. This is one of the scariest thing for me to go through and I need to be in control of something, even if it is just the day. Even when I was going into the hospital with Lilly, I stopped right in front of the doors and almost had a panic attack. I'm so incredibly scared.

Putting that aside now....... I kept having dreams that I was late to work last night...but I kept waking up and I had plenty of time. Then, when I wasn't having a dream about being late, I wake up.....and I'm late. My alarm clock was making some funny noise, like a really weak spaced out beep, twenty minutes late. I didn't have very much time to do anything this morning. Me and Lilly got up and rushed. I did get to work around the same time I usually do...give or take a few minutes. But dreaming about being late and then I was running late.....how weird is that??!!

Since I showed off a picture of my new baby yesterday, I thought I would share pictures of my first baby with you today.
The most recent one of her is the one of both of us together, the head shot. Yep...that's a piece of gum hanging out of her mouth. I do have more recent ones, just not on this computer. The top one is of course my wedding day.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry that you're so scared! I can't imagine how scary it is. I'm sure this won't make you feel any better, but I think it's normal to get scared/nervous even if you've done it before: my friend had her fifth baby in February and she was very nervous even though she's a seasoned baby-haver!

    Also, I understand your desire to control the birth. My friend had a scheduled C-section and said there's no better way than being able to plan when it happens (and she cited all the same reasons you did). In an ideal world it'd be nice to just let it happen, but like you said: there are a lot of factors to consider and it's just really hard to get it all together last-minute.

    LOVE the pictures! So adorable :)

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