Wednesday, January 16, 2013


I think I'm at that point in my life where I'm ready for a change. I'm in a rut. Everything is too routine. I don't like my job and don't like most of the people I work with. I don't like my car. I don't like how run down I feel all the time. I don't like not sleeping. I don't like my weight. I don't like how my house doesn't feel like home. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like fighting with the kids every morning just to get them out the door. I don't like the pain I feel in my joints and muscles. I don't like this depression that I can't deal with alone anymore. I don't like the food that's in the house. I don't like my clothes. I just need some change. I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor to try to get help with the depression, the aches and pains and I'm possibly bipolar as well. I just can't deal with this all on my own anymore and I'm ready for some medication to help out. I need another job. One that I'm happy to go to every day. One where I'm not belittled so much. One where I don't have to worry about money as much. I need more time. I need time to arrange my house and get some pictures up. I need time to cook a great meal. I need time to spend with my kids. A lot of things seem to be going downhill. I have no energy, time, self confidence, friends, money, patience... I thought by keeping this blog up, it would help a little. As the tears flow down my face, I realize it hasn't. Things are difficult. I know things could be worse, but I'm struggling as it is now. I've tried to keep smiling through it all, but I just can't do it anymore. And I hate that my kids see me not happy. I don't think seeking talk therapy will help. I really need some medication. I am going to wait until the end of the month to make an appointment. Mostly because next week I already have Monday off for holiday and then Zach has a doctor appointment on the 24th, so I'll have to leave early for that and making my 40 hours is going to be tough. Can I make it 2 more weeks? I've lasted 13 years, what's 2 weeks, right?
I wish I had time to pick up a hobby, but when my time is rushed to make dinner, do homework, give baths every day... I don't really have time for anything else. And when I do something or go somewhere without the kids, I feel guilty. When I took Tony to the DMV last week and hubby had to pick Zach up from day care, my heart sank. I love my brother and I'm super glad I got to spend time with him and that I'm the one who took him to get his driver's license, but I thought of Zach the entire time. I knew Lilly wasn't wondering why I wasn't home because she was with her father. I can't talk to my mom about this because she'll just throw it back in my face like she does with everything else. I can't talk to hubby about it because he doesn't think its a big deal. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks and even if I did mention to her that I'm having these problems, she'll just change the subject to her own problems like she always does. I haven't gotten to tell her about anything that's going on in such a long time because I feel like she just doesn't care to listen to it.
Time to digress and move on. Last nights deer roast was good, but not plentiful. Zach didn't eat again last night. I got into a fight with Lilly half an hour before bedtime. She was just sitting on her bed watching tv and I asked her to go ahead and clean her bed off since it was covered in clothes and her school stuff and she started yelling at me saying that I always tell her to do so many chores. So.. of course, I yelled back and told her that I haven't asked her to do a single thing except to clean her bed off today and it has to be done is she wants to go to sleep. Then I told her that if she wants to complain about doing chores, I'll give her chores to do. She started talking back and I told her to just get ready and go to bed.
This morning, Zach woke up 10 minutes early. I was halfway ready when I heard him yell for me. I get him up and put him in my bed to watch tv while I finish getting ready. I get Lilly up, make my lunch, unlock the garage door, pack Lilly's snack, get them breakfast ready and pick out Zach's clothes. When I went in my room to get Zach ready, he started screaming and fighting with me. He didn't want to get dressed. I finally get him dressed and he just sits there and whines. Lilly comes in with a black velvet shirt on and dark blue jeans and her bright blue shoes. I tell her that her shoes don't match and her black ones would look much better and she screams at me, starts crying and stomps through the house. Zach ends up throwing another fit and lying on the floor... I have no idea what over. We get to the day care and I'm wrestling an umbrella since its pouring the rain while trying to get Zach out of the car. He cries when I put him down inside the day care so I can fold up mine and Lilly's umbrella. We get back to the classroom, I take off his jacket and then he throws himself on the floor again screaming for his jacket. This is my morning, almost every single morning. And then when I pick them up, its every thing all over again, but in reverse. I'm fighting with Lilly, Zach's throwing a fit, he screams all the way from day care to home in the car... its every single day. Then, its everything all over again. Dinner for Lilly and Zach, homework, dinner for me and hubby, shower for Lilly, bath for Zach, clean up from dinner, pick up toys that was drug out, change into pj's, put them to bed, get Zach's cup, take Zach's cup away, cover Zach up, turn off Lilly's tv, get Zach's cup, turn off Lilly's nightlight, take Zach's cup away, turn off Zach's tv, get Zach's cup, change his diaper, get his cup, cover him up, take his cup away... and then finally I take a shower and usually when I get out Zach's awake and yelling for his cup again. Change his diaper, get his cup, take his cup away, cover him up. I don't get to sit down and hubby wonders why I complain that I'm aggravated and in pain all the time.
Ok... maybe I've complained too much today. I'm just not in a good mood right now. I just got an email from boss guy saying that the department can't sponsor an event that my kids day care is having. He said there's no extra money in the budget. Well, ya know what... there was  no extra money last year and he gave money to support 5 different organizations. I know this because I'm the one that had to give them the money! I bet if it was anyone other than me that asked, he would have done it. I need a vacation.

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