On the first day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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On the second day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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On the third day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really
must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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On the fourth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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On the fifth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
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On the sixth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to
the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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On the seventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird crap all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
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On the eighth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows! There is crap all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
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On the ninth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
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On the tenth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a mess. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
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On the eleventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Looser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
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