Friday, September 24, 2010


I think I have decided that I do want another kid, 3 all together. I know that the second one hasn't even made an appearance yet, but I already want another one. It will be like we have 2 full time kids and one part time kid. I don't know if its just where I've been missing Lilly so much lately or if I really want 3 kids. I always thought 3 was a good number. I was kid #3. I don't know how much of a handful this little one is going to be, but right now, in this moment, I want another.
I've been sitting here all day thinking about Lilly and how much I've been missing with her. I've been thinking about how things should be. I've been thinking about how things need to change, not for my benefit, but for Lilly's. I've been thinking about her schoolwork suffering, her well-being being put to the test, her safety being questionable at times, and so many other things. I worry about her while she is away and the teachers already tell me that she is so tired on Fridays when her father takes her and she doesn't get all of her work done. It kills me that I can't do anything about it right now.
I've also been thinking about the future. The delivery of the baby, all 4 of us together, us getting a new house...... Lilly helping out with the baby, the kids growing up together, playing together... its like the life I've always dreamt of. Life has been good to me lately. Things with hubby are much better, my relationship with Lilly is tight knit, financial trouble is basically over, but.... see there's always a but....Lilly's father makes things difficult. And sometimes I think that if me, hubby, Lilly, and the baby where to live in a bubble we would be the happiest people in the world. Yeah, still have access to the outside world for school, friends and family.... but...its hard to explain. All I think I need to be happy is my family, the family that I have made. Yes, I love my extended family and every day I don't see them kills me, but knowing that hubby and Lilly is there at the end of the day makes everything better. I don't know how to explain it. I have been working hard all my life at keeping other people happy. It wasn't until recently I have decided that I need to make me happy first and then let everything else fall into place. Ever since then, everything has been...well... peachy. I don't do what I want when I want, I've just kinda decided to be happy. Ya know? I get this new sense of joy when I play hide and seek with Lilly or listen to hubby talk about his day. I only take maybe half an hour a day, right before bed, for just me. I read or go outside and look at what stars I can see (too much light from the shopping area), or call someone, or yes even watch a bit of tv. Half an hour of me time is all I need anymore. I use to feel like I needed more than that, but coming to the realization that my family is the most important thing to me, made everything change. Yes, I have always put my family first and always will and I have always loved them dearly.... its just another thing I don't know how to explain.
I've even become almost ok with naming the baby Denvil. I know how much it means to hubby, and if the baby grows up and doesn't like it, he can go by his middle name or some kind of nickname. I did read somewhere that old man names are making a comeback. To me Henry is an old man name and its one of the top names.... somewhere. I tried looking for it again today and couldn't find a thing about it. I could have even been dreaming.
Ok, so yeah..I have my moments when I'm pissed off, aggravated, frustrated, red in the face, heart pumping hard, teeth clinched..... but those moments don't last long anymore. Well, except when it comes to Lilly's father. He can make me mad anytime I think of him, hear his voice, see him or anything. I have never spoken ill of him in front of Lilly and I never will. I've been there, done that, didn't enjoy it. My parents divorced when I was 6 or 7 and I've been with mom through 2 more divorces. I've heard it all, I've lived through it all and I am not going to put Lilly what I had to go through.
I grew up listening to my parents fight, talk about each other as bad as a person can, relaying nasty messages through me. I grew up broke, poor and almost friendless. I was abused, neglected, and forgotten. I've been evicted from some houses and moved so much. I've been beat, yelled at, starved and left to fend for myself. I grew up too fast and matured to quickly. I will do everything in my power to never let any of this happen to my children. I do believe that it is because of these things that I am the strong, independent, big hearted, loving person I am today. I also believe it is because of these things that I am unsocial, depressed, and suicidal (at one point in my life, not anymore). Even though my horrible childhood led me to be who I am today, I will not let my children endure even an inkling of any of it. I will raise them the best I can and cross my fingers when the time comes to set them free and hope I did do the right things by them.
I want my children to be able to experience a childhood. I wasn't allowed out of the house to hang out with friends, by the time I was 13 I had taken over the sole responsibility of the house-the cooking, cleaning, helping little brothers with homework, getting them up for school, putting them to bed... everything a 13 year old shouldn't be doing. It was like as soon as I turned 13, my mom stopped being a mom and I had to step up. Ever since then, I have been mom. I was mother to my little brothers, my older brothers, my own mom and my step dads. I have been mom for almost 12 years all together. I've held my mother up when she was down, I've taken care of her and everyone else when they were sick, I was there by her side through both heart attacks and her surgery. I was there to hold her head up when she went through yet another divorce and I even housed my stepdad. Even though everything basically sucked and I had to grow up so early and without any guidance, I still love my family, my mom, my brothers, my dad...everyone.
Ok... so I started rambling..... I still don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm happy now. It might be the hormones, but I am happy now. I love my family. the end.......

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