Thursday, June 2, 2011

Maybe tomorrow will be better

Hubby's birthday didn't go as well as I had hoped. I guess he really doesn't like his birthdays, he always acts...weird. I kinda feel bad about his gift too. He was expecting a game system cuz that is what it kind of looked like, wrapped up like it was. I am planning on getting him either a PS3 or an Xbox for Christmas this year, but that's Christmas. I always try to make Christmas way bigger than birthdays. I got him a blu-ray player for his birthday. We have no where to put it right now. I got him 2 movies.... he didn't seem to care. I kept trying to figure out what to do for his dinner, but it was hard to do. He wouldn't tell me what he wanted and he went to a wake of an old church friend. I tried to make his day great, but I couldn't. I should have planned something to do this weekend. Maybe I'll try to do something for him Saturday before his niece's dance recital. Next year I'll have to do something real big cuz he'll be turning 35.
My birthday is on a Monday this year and he has his meetings at the fire station on Mondays. I don't want anything and don't expect much. It'd be nice to just hang out as a family. Rent a movie or something and get some pizza maybe. Our anniversary is also in a couple weeks. I told him not to buy anything. We'll just be together that day. Its on a Tuesday this year. Maybe send the kids somewhere and we can have a date night alone. I haven't been to the movie theater in forever, so that would be nice.
I forgot Lilly's ball picture. I have written a note to get it for tomorrow. Here's a pic of my babies I took yesterday. Note the wet pillow where Zach drooled. I got some good pictures of them on my other camera. There's one that looks like this one and another where they are looking at each other. I love it!
So, I think next time I go to the doctor I'm going to ask about postpartum depression. I believe I have it. Either that or just plain ol' regular depression. I hope I'm not bipolar. Mom is. I have just been feeling really different lately, not like myself. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I don't like being around people anymore. If something goes slightly wrong I blame myself and feel like I've let everyone down. I'm so tired all the time and have no energy to do anything, although that could just be lack of sleep. I can't sleep, even when Zach doesn't wake up, I do. I'm restless at night. I get up, check on the kids, walk around the house for a bit and go back to bed. I do this about 4 or 5 times a night. I just.... I just want to feel like myself again. Even if I just have someone to talk to, that would be better. This blog helps me out a bit. I get to express myself and say what's on my mind, but I don't let everything out. I need to be able to vent and talk and have someone just listen. I want to be able to talk about my problems without making someone else mad or sad or having someone change the subject on me or having someone try to make everything about them or being told, "I told you so," or anything like that. I just need someone to talk to and for them to listen without judging. I want to go to a professional...... but I can't afford it.
Found out yesterday that the house that was our first choice is indeed sold. So that's out. We'll keep looking.

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